Special Effects We Wish Were Real

Giant Metal Bodyguard (this is actually a really good movie) I'd like to have a giant metal bodyguard for the following reasons: To all the girls who picked on me in junior high because I was poor; To Wells Fargo Financial, for calling me ten times a day for something I didn't even owe anymore; To every customer who calls up, whining in my ear, with their kids screaming in their ears, with the TV on HIGH; To every driver who ever cut me off and SLOWED DOWN in the freaking CARPOOL lane; To news reporters who think Michael Jackson's kids are National News; To the President of Iran, who says the Holocaust never happened and exhibits more arrogance than France; To every American who refuses to pay taxes and refuses to exit MY country; To the director of the DMV, who refuses to overhaul the damn waiting system; To the creators of reality TV; who have nothing better to do; To the idiots and assholes in Hollywood, who make millions of dollars just by breathing and who also have nothing better to do; To all of my friends who aren't reading my lists: You've been warned.

De-Aging in 5 Seconds Women everywhere gazed in jaw-dropping awe as King Theodan went from 90 to 50 in 0.00 seconds. They even called up their plastic surgeons, demanding the same procedure. Unfortunately, WETA couldn't be reached for comment. This would be an interesting concept because there would be no concept of time. Unless we're only turning back the clock once we get really old and haggard, and simply return to when we looked our best. In that case, there'd be a heck of a lot of toddlers ruling the world. Wait...

Aliens Blow Up the White House Again, I have a portable toilet and bottled water in my garage. Who's down?

The Force From controlling the weak-minded, to moving objects, to choking non-believers, to avoiding Darth Vader’s lack of marksmanship, this is one invisible special effect I’d like to use on more than a few people. I’d hire myself out as a professional EnFORCER – HAHA, get it? Yeah, that was lame. (For the purists out there, yes, I KNOW The Force is what makes Jedi Mind Tricks possible. Go back to darning your costume and let me finish my list. )

Fire Sale wow, just look at that guy. *sigh* he only gets better with time...OH SORRY.. Your tax bill comes on time, doesn’t it? Too bad your unemployment doesn’t. You’re demanded to foot the bill for Congress to sit on their asses all day and pay for vacations to screw their secretaries. Who pays for YOU to take your mistress on a vacation? Who pays for YOU to sit on your ass all – wait, never mind. But still, wouldn’t it kick major soccer balls to stick it to the government and watch THEM scramble for a change? There's an entire generation of wannabe-anarchists. Let's see what Emo Boy does without his hair dryer and guy-liner. I’ve got bottled water, cup ‘o’ noodles and a portable toilet in my garage. Let’s do it!

Disapparating I refuse to provide the definition - don't act like you haven't seen the movie. Traffic jams would be a thing of the past. The only hurdle to worry about is landing on someone’s head. Otherwise, all forms of public transportation would be rendered useless and commuter emissions are a done deal. Saying “See you in 5!” would actually mean something. Of course, attempting to lie about your whereabouts and why you can’t get home would also be a thing of the past. But so would grounding. See? Win/Win situation.

Mini-Language Translator Odds are, I'm the only person alive who remembers this movie. Anyway, human translators would be a thing of the past but they wouldn't care. They’d be starting colonies in France and Italy with international supermodels and eating caviar by the minute. You’ll be able to talk to your house-keeper. Your manicurist. Your gardener. Your children. Your boss. The best news? Those damn Rosetta-Stone commercials go bye-bye.

Jedi Mind Trick “You WILL ______”. Feel free to insert your own, but my list includes “give me a raise, let me have the day off, empty the gym just for me, give me a massive discount, move off the road for me, do all of my laundry, kill Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan, give me front row tix to Anderson Silva’s next fight, give me the winning lotto numbers, outlaw ALL teen movies, make horror movies with a plot, give Rob Zombie a star on the walk of fame, blow away the Jonas Brothers, incinerate all ignorant persons and just hand me my college degree, already.”

Food Replicator World Hunger: SOLVED. You can thank me later.

The Curving Bullet I’ve had more than one expert tell me that the myth of the curving bullet from this movie is absolute bullshit. If you want to pull out your firearms permit (or lack thereof) and correct me, be my guest. But since I’m writing this list and you’re not, humor me. I believe that if the ballistics of this movie were based on fact, we’d all be dead. There’d be no one left. Well, except me and the roaches. But honestly, how Mach 10 Cool would it be to point a gun at someone, all the while shooting someone else? Yes, I’m a vengeful female. Deal with it.