Special Effects We Wish Were Real Anything
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Special Effects We Wish Were Real

How many of us have left the movies disgusted because it was either 100% CGI or just 100% bulls**t? There have been times I left the movies absolutely bitter because I knew the chances of ever having THAT superpower were about the same as a virgin surviving hell. Maybe I'm the lone realist in my universe, but there are several elements in movies I wish to my Holy Creator were reel. Get it? Reel? Nevermind, just read the damn list.

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  1. 1

    Giant Metal Bodyguard

    (this is actually a really good movie)

    I'd like to have a giant metal bodyguard for the following reasons:

    To all the girls who picked on me in junior high because I was poor;

    To Wells Fargo Financial, for calling me ten times a day for something I didn't even owe anymore;

    To every customer who calls up, whining in my ear, with their kids screaming in their ears, with the TV on HIGH;

    To every driver who ever cut me off and SLOWED DOWN in the freaking CARPOOL lane;

    To news reporters who think Michael Jackson's kids are National News;

    To the President of Iran, who says the Holocaust never happened and exhibits more arrogance than France;

    To every American who refuses to pay taxes and refuses to exit MY country;

    To the director of the DMV, who refuses to overhaul the damn waiting system;

    To the creators of reality TV; who have nothing better to do;

    To the idiots and assholes in Hollywood, who make millions of dollars just by breathing and who also have nothing better to do;

    To all of my friends who aren't reading my lists:

    You've been warned.

  2. 2

    De-Aging in 5 Seconds

    Women everywhere gazed in jaw-dropping awe as King Theodan went from 90 to 50 in 0.00 seconds. They even called up their plastic surgeons, demanding the same procedure. Unfortunately, WETA couldn't be reached for comment.

    This would be an interesting concept because there would be no concept of time. Unless we're only turning back the clock once we get really old and haggard, and simply return to when we looked our best.

    In that case, there'd be a heck of a lot of toddlers ruling the world.


  3. 3

    Aliens Blow Up the White House

    Again, I have a portable toilet and bottled water in my garage. Who's down?

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  5. 5

    Fire Sale

    wow, just look at that guy. *sigh* he only gets better with time...OH SORRY..

    Your tax bill comes on time, doesn’t it? Too bad your unemployment doesn’t. You’re demanded to foot the bill for Congress to sit on their asses all day and pay for vacations to screw their secretaries. Who pays for YOU to take your mistress on a vacation? Who pays for YOU to sit on your ass all – wait, never mind.

    But still, wouldn’t it kick major soccer balls to stick it to the government and watch THEM scramble for a change? There's an entire generation of wannabe-anarchists. Let's see what Emo Boy does without his hair dryer and guy-liner.

    I’ve got bottled water, cup ‘o’ noodles and a portable toilet in my garage. Let’s do it!

  6. 6


    I refuse to provide the definition - don't act like you haven't seen the movie.

    Traffic jams would be a thing of the past. The only hurdle to worry about is landing on someone’s head. Otherwise, all forms of public transportation would be rendered useless and commuter emissions are a done deal.

    Saying "See you in 5!" would actually mean something. Of course, attempting to lie about your whereabouts and why you can’t get home would also be a thing of the past. But so would grounding. See? Win/Win situation.

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