Stewie Griffin Quotes

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Stewie Griffin quotes make us laugh, cringe and often face-palm as they are uttered by the infant on the popular prime time animated series "Family Guy" Sunday nights on FOX. Though he's just a baby, Stewie certainly has an impressive vocabulary which he shares with viewers via series creator and lead voice talent Seth MacFarlane.

Stewie Griffin has become a favorite character on the series because of his wise beyond his years commentary and snarky comebacks. No one would expect an infant to know foreign languages, yet the youngster is able to demand pancakes in Spanish and French in one episode. No one would expect him to comprehend what prostitutes do in another episode, yet he knows enough to ask them about any "tread left on their tires."

When he's not off on various adventures with family dog Brian or learning about female anatomy from the dirty magazine's under brother Chris' bed, Stewie Griffin spends much of his time plotting to kill his mother, Lois Griffin. One of his most popular quotes expresses his hatred for the women who gave birth to him when he often utters, "Damn you, vile woman!"

His other go-to lines depend on the situation. "Victory is mine!" for example is his favorite to celebrate an accomplishment, usually of the evil variety, while he uses the exclamation "Blast!" to express frustration and either "say whaaaaat?" or "What the deuce?" to express confusion or remark on a WTF moment.

Like the show itself, the best Stewie quotes are often distasteful and inappropriate but are what keep viewers coming back for more. So what if his head is shaped like a football, he's hilarious and that's why he's loved around the world.

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  1. 1
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    Where's My Money?

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    Brian: "Stewie? Yh, hey."
    Stewie: "Hey there. So, uh, it's been 24 hours. Got my money?"
    Brian: "Ah... You know what, just give me till next Friday, I'll have it for you."
    Stewie: "Oh. Oh, that's funny. I could've sworn I said have it today.
    Brian: "Yeah, I don't have it, sorry."
    Stewie: "Oh, well, alright then. Mmm, that's good O.J."
    Brian: "Aaargh! Aaarghh!!"
    Stewie: "Yeah, that hurt?"
    Brian: "Aargh!"
    Stewie: "That hurt?"
    Brian: "What the hell?!"
    Stewie: "Yeah, that don't feel so good, does it? No, huh? Yeah, that's what happens, man!"
    Brian: "Oh, my God!"
    Stewie: "Yeah, that's what happens. Where's my money?! You gonna give me my money? Where's my money, man?! Where's the money, man?! Yeah, you like that?! That feel good?! Where's the money, man?! Where's my money?! You got till five o'clock. You hear me?! You got till 5 o'clock!
    Brian: "You freakin' psychopath!"
    Stewie: "Yeah, clean yourself up."

    In one of the more memorable scenes from the series, Stewie resorts to mob tactics in an attempt to settle a debt with Brian. When Brian fails to pay back Stewie's money, things get physical.

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    Lois Mom Mum Mommy

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    Stewie: "Lois, Lois, Lois, Lois, Lois, mom, mom, mom, mommy, mommy, mommy, mama, mama, mama, ma, ma, ma, ma, mom, mom, mom, mom, mommy, mommy, mama, mama, mama..."
    Lois: "What!?!"
    Stewie: "Hi"

    Just being a butthead, Stewie repeatedly yells for Lois as she's trying to rest by screaming her name first then variations on the title mom. When Lois finally responds, Stewie says "hi" and runs away laughing.

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    Cool Whip

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    Stewie: "Ooh, you've got some pie. Can I have a piece?"
    Brian: "Uh, ok"
    Stewie: "Hey, pass over some of that Cool wHip"
    Brian: "What?"
    Stewie: "Well, you put Cool wHip on pie."
    Brian: "It's Cool Whip"
    Stewie: "That's what I said, Cool wHip"
    Brian: "Cool Whip"
    Stewie: "Cool wHip"
    Brian: "Cool Whip"
    Stewie: "Cool wHip"
    Brian: "Why are you putting so much emphasis on the H?"
    Stewie: "What are you talking about? I'm just saying Cool wHip"
    Brian: "Say whip"
    Stewie: "Whip"
    Brian: "Now say Cool Whip"
    Stewie: "Cool wHip"
    Brian: "Cool Whip!"
    Stewie: "Cool wHip"
    Brian: "Cool Whip!"
    Stewie: "Cool wHip"
    Brian: "You're eating HAIR"

    Brian and Stewie disagree on the correct pronunciation of the word "whip" in Cool Whip, especially the fact that Stewie enjoys emphasizing the H in whip. Little does Stewie know however that the pie he's enjoying with the whipped topping contain his sister Meg's hair.

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    Any Tread Left on Those Tires?

    Stewie: [to two old prostitutes] "So, is there any tread left on the tires? Or at this point would it be like throwing a hot dog down a hallway?"

    Stewie, showing his wisdom and wit beyond his years, finds himself on a couch at neighbor Cleveland's house between two old and ragged prostitutes and hilariously asks them about their well being.

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    I'd Love to Stay and Chat...

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    Stewie: "So Olivia, beautiful day"
    Olivia: "You're not going to far again, are you?"
    Stewie: "Well, I'd love to stay and chat, but you're a total bitch."

    Sitting outside waiting for a ride home from the school for performing arts with Olivia, Stewie attempts to make small take with his nemesis before Lois arrives to drive him home. As Stewie gets into the car, he pops off a line about how he'd like to stay but Olivia is a "total bitch."

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    What the Deuce?

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    What the deuce?

    Limited by the FCC, Stewie can't exactly curse on the primetime network animated series so instead, he uses the phrase "what the deuce?" to respond to the WTF moments.

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    Say Whaaaat?

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    Say Whaaaat?

    When things get weird, and on a prime time cartoon, that's pretty often, Stewie reacts by reciting the line "say whaaaaat?" as the camera zooms in on his face.

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    Victory is Mine!

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    Victory is mine!

    As his go-to line to celebrate a job well done, Stewie uses his famous "victory is mine!" line at various times throughout the series.

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    Damn You Vile Woman

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    Damn you vile woman, you've impeded my work since the day I escaped your vile womb.

    Perhaps the most used Stewie quote, the tot often expresses his dislike for his mother, Lois, and curses her with the "damn you vile woman" line.

  10. 10
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    I Come Bearing A Gift.

    Stewie: "Hello, mother. I come bearing a gift. I'll give you a hint. It's in my diaper and it's not a toaster."

    Since Stewie is after all an infant, albeit a talking, time-traveling infant, his diaper does need changed every once in a while and he is never a stranger to demand a fresh nappy in the most clever ways.

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    I Want Pancakes!

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    Stewie: "I want pancakes! God, do you people understand every language except English? Yo quiero pancakes! Donnez moi pancakes! Click click bloody click pancakes!"
    Foster Mom: "Poor little guy, pancakes must be street for crack."

    Placed with a foster family after child services believes Stewie is the daughter of a drug-addicted Meg, Stewie craves pancakes and goes on a brief rant about the tasty treats.

  12. 12
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    Go Away Fat Man

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    "Go... away... fat man"

    Since Stewie cannot spend all his time hating on his mother, he saves some of that hate for his father, Peter, and uses the line "go... away... fat man" to try to get rid of him.

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    Being an infant has its limitations, especially when he tries to murder his mother, Lois, so it's no surprise that he often uses the exclamation "blast!" to respond to failed attempts or frustration.

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    Damn you and such Added by: C_Moorehead

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