Ted Movie Quotes

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'Ted' movie quotes include some of the funniest lines from this 2012 raunchy comedy movie starring Mark Wahlberg as John Bennett, a man trying to deal with the fact that his childhood teddy bear (who came to life when John was a kid) is his now constant companion. Seth MacFarlane wrote, directed and stars in 'Ted' (as the voice of the bear), and he delivers some of the most memorable quotes in the movie. See a favorite 'Ted' quote? Vote it up! And, if you have a particular favorite 'Ted' movie quote that's not listed here, add it!

When John Bennett was a child, he made a wish: He wished that his beloved stuffed teddy bear was real. That wish came true, which was awesome -- for a while. Now that John is an adult, Ted the bear is still with him...all the time. It's kind of cramping his style, too. Ted is rude, crude and socially unacceptable. Is it time for John to part ways with his oldest friend? 'Ted' also stars Mila Kunis, Giovanni Ribisi, Jessica Stroup, Laura Vandervoort and Joel McHale.

What are the best 'Ted' movie quotes? If you love these quotes from 'Ted,' you might also enjoy these lists of the best lines from 'That's My Boy,' 'Seeking a Friend for the End of the World,' 'Men in Black III,' 'Madagascar 3: Europe's Most Wanted,' 'Moonrise Kingdom,' 'Jack and Jill,' 'The Dictator,' 'The Sitter,' 'Safety Not Guaranteed,' 'The Three Stooges,' 'Dark Shadows,' 'American Reunion,' 'Rock of Ages,' 'The Muppets,' and

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    The Thunder Song

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    Ted: "Thunder Buddies for life, right, Johnny?"
    John: "F**kin' right!"
    Ted: "All right, come on, let's sing "The Thunder Song"."
    John: "All right."
    John and Ted (singing together): "When you hear the sound of thunder, don't you get too scared. Just grab your thunder buddy and say these magic words: F**k you, thunder! You can suck my dick! You can't get me, thunder, 'cause you're just God's farts."

    Ah, the Thunder Song: This is definitely one of the best quotes in the 'Ted' movie. Remember it the next time a storm comes along, and be sure to sing it loudly.

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    You're Hired

    Ted: "That's because I was busy eating your wife's p***y."
    Frank: "Nobody's ever spoken to me like that before."
    Ted: "That's because their mouths were full of your wife's box."
    Frank: "You're hired!"
    Ted: "S**t."

    Insult the boss' wife, get a job. If life were only this easy. Frank has no idea what he's just gotten himself into.

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    White Trash Name Game

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    Ted: "I met a girl, she's a cashier."
    John: "No way, that's awesome! Well, what's her name?"
    Ted: "White trash name, guess."
    John: "Mandi?"
    Ted: "No."
    John: "Marilyn?"
    Ted: "No."
    John: "Brittany?"
    Ted: "No."
    John: "Tiffany?"
    Ted: "No."
    John: "Candice?"
    Ted: "No."
    John: "Don't f**k with me on this, I know this s**t."
    Ted: "Do you see me f**king with you? I'm completely serious."
    John: "OK, speed round, I'm gonna rattle off some names and when I hit it, f**king buzz it."
    Ted: "You do it, I will tell you."
    John: "You got me?"
    Ted: "Yeah."
    John: "Alright" Brandi, Heather, Channing, Briana, Amber, Sabrina, Melanie, Dakota, Sierra, Vandi, Crystal, Samantha, Autumn, Ruby, Taylor, Tara, Tammy, Laura, Shelly and Shantelle? Courtney, Misty, Jenny, Christa, Mindy, Noel, Shelby, Trina, Reba, Cassandra, Nicki, Kelsy, Shauna, Jolene, Earlie, Claudia, Savannah, Cassie, Dolly, Kendra, Callie, Khloe, Devon, Emmylou, f**king Becky?!"
    Ted: "Nope."
    John: "Wait, was it any one of those names with a Lyn after it?"
    Ted: "Yes!"
    John: "Okay, Brandy Lyn, Heather Lyn..."
    Ted: "Tammy Lyn."
    John: "F**k!"

    Ted has a new girlfriend? Possibly so. At least he met her at work and not in some seedy bar (or worse)...

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    Boston Women

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    Ted: "All I'm saying, is that Boston women are, on the whole, a paler, uglier sort than women from the elsewheres of life."
    John: "That's bulls**t, what about Lori? She's hot."
    Ted: "No, Lori's from Pennsylvania, that's not a Boston girl."
    John: "They're not that bad."
    Ted: "See, the fact that you have to say 'They're not that bad' means that they are that bad. You ever hear a Boston girl have an orgasm? Ohhhh YAAH, oooh YAH! HAAAHHHDAH, haaahhhhdahhh, ohh GAWD that was so good..."

    Ted's rather colorful description of Boston women in the throes of ecstasy probably cracked Mark Wahlberg up. After all, Wahlberg is a Boston guy all the way (though his wife, model Rhea Durham, is a Florida native).

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    Expecting Something Big

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    John: "I'm taking Lori to dinner...you don't think she's going to be expecting something big, do you?"
    Ted: "What, like anal?"
    John: "No, like a f**king circular gold thing on her finger."
    Ted: "Oh f**k that! It's been four years, Johnny, you and me have been together for 27 years. Where's my ring? "

    After years of dating, John thinks that maybe Lori's after an engagement ring now. Ted thinks she might be expecting something very different.

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    Ted: "I look like Snuggles' accountant."

    Ted isn't happy about being forced to wear a suit for his job interviews. And he does kinda look like the twisted older brother of that cute Snuggles bear...

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    Peter Griffin

    Ted: "That doesn't sound like me. I don't sound that much like Peter Griffin, you guys!"

    John finishes up his impression of Ted at a party, and Ted promptly announces that he doesn't sound "that much" like Peter Griffin from 'Family Guy.' Oh yes he does. Seth MacFarlane, who also does the voice of Peter, brought several 'Family Guy' cast members on board for 'Ted,' including Mila Kunis, Patrick Warburton, Ralph Garman and Alex Borstein.

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    Sauvignon Blanc

    Lori: "Who are these girls?"
    Ted: "Oh, where are my manners: Lori, this is Angelique, Heavenly, Shereen and Sauvignon Blanc. I swear to God, her name is Sauvignon Blanc! Go ahead honey, show him your Chevron card."

    Ted is a hooker addict, and he's bringing his girls home now to party...including one named after an alcoholic beverage. Chances are good that none of these women will become Lori's best friends...

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    Teddy Ruxpin

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    John: "Sometimes I think back to that Christmas morning when I was eight years old...I just wish I'd gotten a Teddy Ruxpin!"

    Poor John. He's definitely rethinking that wish he made many years ago. Sure, it's great when you're a kid and your teddy bear can talk...not so much when you're 35 and that bear's turned into a total perv.

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    Dirty Fozzie

    Ted: "You know what I'd like to do to her? Something I call the 'Dirty Fozzie.'

    Ted is one dirty bear, and he has a signature, sexy move to pick up women called the "Dirty Fozzie." Only Seth MacFarlane could pull off such a crude Muppets reference.

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    Machine Guns and Missiles

    Narrator: "Nothing is more powerful than a young boys wish -- except an apache helicopter. Those things have machine guns and missles."

    Yes, apache helicopters might have guns and missiles, but John has Ted -- and he's infinitely more dangerous than one of those. Plus, he's cooler.

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    Frank: "You had sexual intercourse on top of the produce that we sell to people?!"
    Ted: "I did her with a parsnip. Then I sold that same parsnip to a family of four."
    Frank: "You have guts, and I like guts. You're promoted!"
    Ted: "Do you have a problem or something?"

    Ted is without a doubt the most offensive, foul, vulgar teddy bear ever to appear of film. He's also one of the funniest.

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    Mind Rape

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    Ted: "Oh hey, listen, try this" (passes bong to John): "I told my weed guy to step it up and he gave me that."
    John: "What is this?"
    Ted: "It's called "Mind Rape", it's actually pretty mellow."
    John: "It doesn't sound very mellow."
    Ted: "Well he only had three other batches: "Gorilla Panic," "They're coming! They're coming!" and something called "This Is Permanent"... Go on, spark it up!"

    Ted wants to do only a few things, and one of them is sit around getting high with John. Mind Rape weed sounds anything but mellow...

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    Susan Boyle

    Ted: "Back the f**k up, Susan Boyle!"

    Ted doesn't hesitate to make fun of anyone, and children are no exception. Ted goes after Donny's freaky, fat kid. Who wouldn't? They kidnapped him, after all.

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    Grandma Died

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    Ted: "I look stupid."
    John: "No, you don’t, you look dapper!"
    Ted: "John, I look like something you give to your kid when you tell him Grandma died."

    John decides to get Ted all dressed up in a suit and tie for his job interview. Ted looks "dapper" but he isn't excited about the new look. At all.

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    Worry About Your Own Snatch

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    Lori: "So, Tami-Lynn, why don't you tell us a little bit about yourself? Like where are you from? I'm always fascinated to meet Ted's girlfriends..."
    Tami-Lynn: "What do you mean, girlfriends? What, is there like a lot of them or something?"
    Ted: "No, no! That's not what she meant at all, right Lori? You didn't mean that."
    Lori: "No, no, no, no. What I meant to say is Ted's very handsome, so I'm always interested in meeting the lady that can snatch him up."
    Tami-Lynn: "Did you just call me a whore?"
    Lori: "What?"
    Tami-Lynn: "You just worry about your own snatch, how about that honey."

    Ted really likes women, but he seems to gravitate to those women who are, shall we say, slightly unstable? Lori, meet Tami-Lynn (that's Tami with an "i" of course). She's totally into Ted -- despite the fact that he's a stuffed BEAR.

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    Ted: "That's my bad, I was sending a tweet."

    John and Ted are hanging out, getting high (because that's just what you do when you're a grown man and your childhood teddy bear talks to you constantly), when John realizes he's going to be late for work -- and he's in no shape to drive. Ted drives, and that's a bad thing...

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    Life Ain't Nothin'

    Ted: "Life ain't nothin' but b**ches and honey."

    Winnie the Pooh had honey, but Ted has b**ches and honey -- it's the best of both worlds, a bear's dream come true. He's also got a way cooler, less dorky Christopher Robin in John.

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    Ted: "There. Proof! Garfield's eyes look like a pair of tits!"

    Ted decides here to do a little artwork, to prove his point. The result? It's eye-opening, so to speak.

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    Ted: "Hey, you're home early!"
    Lori: "What the hell is this?"
    Ted: "They're hookers, so it's fine."

    Ted is a pot-smoking, hooker-loving teddy bear. Which is twisted enough -- but when he brings the hookers back to John's place, that's just too much.

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