Thou Shalt Not Sell Out Thy FriendsIt would seem like common sense. But for those who are embarking on the Bromance Barge for the first time, take heed. Nothing will get you banished from the annals of male camaraderie faster than telling on your buddy.
"Brian is cheating on you. With a girl. Every night, they're in bed. Having sex. A lot. Just thought you should know."
Why stop there? You may as well as hand her the soiled boner bag, give her a hug and take her shoe shopping. Because at this point, you’ve not only ceased being his friend: you’ve just surrendered your manhood and have officially become a bitch.
Thou Shalt Not Covet Another Man's WifeBad things will happen to you.
Even if you lie to yourself and think it's worth the guaranteed drama, it won't matter when he's beating you to a bloody pulp.
Even if she's tearing off her clothes and vaulting onto you like a cranked up Kerri Strugg - she's his bag of issues, not yours.
Even if you think he's a worthless walking pile of herpes - you still can't touch her. (She doesn't have them ALL the time...right? RIGHT?!)
The sentimental BS that's currently flowing through what used to be your brain is easily cured by a trip to the strip joint, nearest bathroom or a medium-sized bear trap.
Thou Shalt Provide An AlibiA true man will always give his buddies a way out of stuff they don't want to deal with. Such emergencies include her cousin's wedding, her cat's funeral, her Dad's prostate exam, dinner with her parents, her pap smears, the opera and marathon viewings of "The Hills."
You need a DA - "Designated Alibist" - to save your ass from a fate worse than death.
You may want to select a quick-thinking person for this job, though, as she's not likely to believe your herpes have crabs and you've miraculously regrown your appendix.
Thou Shalt Not Get InvolvedNever butt in on a buddie's fight with his lady. There are three very good reasons for this law:
1. You will die.
2. You will die.
3. You will REALLY die.
He's a grown man - he can handle it. As tempting as it is to stand by your buddy and tell his woman exactly where she can put that 3-inch hot pink acrylic talon, it won't raise any brownie points with either of them.
You'll make him look (and feel) like a weenie and she'll resent you for even getting involved.
Just walk away and provide silent reinforcement.
He's got it...unless she's hitting him. At that point you leave the house, call the police and refer to rule #3 when the rest of the guys ask how he got those scars.
Thou Shalt Not Inhibit Another Man's GamePicking up on "marked" women is on par with drinking the last beer in the fridge:
Don't touch it unless you call it. If no one responds in 5 seconds, it's yours.
Show some pride and self-preservation:
"I got her, her, her, them and the one who just passed out on the floor. The rest are yours!"
Stick with your selection and don't drink another man's, um, beer.
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