Your mama may have told you to always wash your hands, but did she properly instruct you on the importance of bathroom border maintenance? How about strategic stall selection? Never fear, my commode compadre, for the 10 commandments of the urinal are here to help guide your way through the treacherous terrain of your local latrine.
Thou Shall Not Bring Women
There is a thin line between the "Heman Woman Haters Club" and the Men's Room
As men we only have so many places we can run to, to get away from our women. Don't be that guy who brings his girl over on poker night. And DON'T be that guy who is gettin' stank on his hang low in the stall.
Plus smelling another man's s**t isn't a turn on for anybody.
Thou Shall Use Borders
Urinals with walls are a man's best friend. But no half inch piece of fake wood is going to replace a real wall so choose a urinal on the end.
Like the test dividers in elementary school were protecting your test answers these dividers are protecting your pecker!
Use them strategically.
Thou Shall Not Pull Down Pants To Piss
USE THE ZIPPER LUKE
and only the zipper.
Your pants have them for a reason. Nobody...NOBODY needs to see your ass while you piss.
I see your ass while your standing there holdin' your dick and I'm going to kick you into the urinal.
BECAUSE YOU DESERVE IT!
Thou Shall Not Speak
Samuel L. Jackson said it best in Pulp Fiction,
"SHUT THE F**K UP"
You do not talk to a man with your dick in your hand.
Do you talk to a man with his dick in his hand.
Thou Shall Not Break Tunnel Vision
Tunnel vision has a negative connotation to it. But in the Men's Room it is LAW
When you creep up to a urinal you keep your hands and feet within the Piss Borders and your eyes forward. You may stray your gaze up or down but never, NEVER to the side.
You deviate from the up, down or straight and your not straight anymore...knowwhatimsayin!
Thou Shall Respect The Buffer Zone
The journey to the Men's Room is a fight for your man hood.
You know damn well you don't want any within arms reach of your twig and berries, especially when you have it out.
So skip a urinal or two or three or hell try to use the one on the other side of the room. The more room the better.
If none of this can be done, you do not go with the open urinal you dirty son of a bitch. Be a man and leave my dick bubble alone and use a stall or wait your turn.
Thou Shall Not Use Your Cell Phone
Can I get a spot from Mr. Jackson one more time
"SHUT THE F**K UP"
No body is so important they need to have a meeting on the s**ter. You are not fooling anybody.
Now you are lower than the a*****e with a blue tooth headset in his ear everywhere he goes.
Thou Shall Not Spank The Monkey
We all know you need to shake out the excess.
But A friend told me once,
"No matter how much you wiggle and dance, you'll always wind up with some in your pants."
So once you shake it more than three times your jerkin'the gherkin.
And you know polishing your banana in the Men's Room is wrong. IT JUST IS.
If that isn't enough cleaning the rifle in the Men's Room is just GAY
If your chokin' the chicken in a room where other men have their pants down, you might as well be walkin' in a San Francisco parade.