I know, I know . . . MARIO? On a LIST? Of VIDEOGAME CHARACTERS?!
Yeah that's about as predictable as what's going to happen in the next Spider-Man movie.
Chances of this happening = 100%
So yeah, we know, Mario's fat AND he's famous. In both cases proving that size matters I guess. So does that mean, like Milton Berle, he gets a free pass to just show up in any damn list he wants?
Yuuup! It sure does!
Let's face it, Mario's pretty awesome. A classic hero even. He's done just about everything you could want: driven go karts, rescued princesses, healed sickness, and even hosted his own TV show!
But more importantly, he did it all while being what we would call "jolly" if we're being nice, and "a cholesterol time-bomb" if we're not. Yet it has never, for a second mattered.
Take a lesson other game developers! You don't have to go for the average 25-year old athletic Caucasian male for your protagonist (*cough* Prey 2 *cough*). If a forty year old fat Italian-American with a Burt Reynolds stash can become iconic, you do NOT need to make your characters so boring!
So for being the poster boy of fat acceptance in gaming, we salute you Mario!
They may need to work on the posters though.
Pig Josh (Red Dead Revolver)
You know, being a lard ass in this day and age really isn't that hard. I mean, there's probably a graph somewhere in some science-a-torium that explains it in detail, but I'm pretty sure that there's been a direct correlation between "the passage of time" and "ability to stuff more calories into edible objects than Japanese people into a subway car".
The pinnacle of our advanced food technology.
So if you got bigger than 3 Rosie O'Donnells duct-taped together back in 188X or whenever Red Dead Revolver takes place, you must've been awesome.
This of course leads us to "Pig" Josh.
He's gonna make you sssqueeeeeaaaaalllll!
The amount of f**ks Pig Josh does not give is on a scale I'm not sure exists yet. But at first glance, this includes:
1) He just goes screw it and walks around without a shirt, fully embracing his fatness.
2) He has dynamite strapped to his head.
3) He runs around with a gang of circus midgets and coal miners.
4) He has DYNAMITE strapped to his HEAD.
5) He's the first boss in Red Dead Revolver that will give you any trouble, and he WILL give you trouble unless you exploit some sort of bug.
6) HE HAS F*CKING DYNAMITE STRAPPED TO HIS HEAD.
Pig Josh: Loud, Proud, Huge and 100% American!
Besides he must be a pretty cool guy - he walks away from every explosion
Doctor Clash (F-Zero)
Was there ever a more 'Merican pastime than NASCAR? Baseball? Nah I think not. Baseball doesn't have squealing tires, hot flag girls, and car wrecks that inspire our most patriotic citizens to write epic poetry.
So what's even MORE more "Merican? How about NASCAR . . . with rocket propelled f*ture cars, and IN SPACE!
Everything's better in space!
Especially the astro-bikinis!
Well that's what F-Zero is: NASCAR and in the f*ture and IN SPACE.
So who builds these insanely dangerous always zooming, always dooming, vehicular manslaughter cases waiting to happen? Dr. Clash does, that's who.
"Ladies . . ."
A self described "supertonic geekoid" hailing from Mute City (f*ture New York), Dr. Clash ended up building a bunch of the F-Zero cars that end up competing . . . but he still only wants to get into the action himself. In his vehicle named the CRAZY BEAR!
Stephen Colbert's fiercest foe.
The only prob for ol' Clashy actually happens to be his weight, as he's far heavier than almost all the other F-Zero pilots. But due to good old American ingenuity he makes up for it by building himself some sweet Dr. Octopus arms to assist in his driving. As well as "help out" whenever he decides to "relax".
Barry Wheeler & Zeke Dunbar
Meet Zeke Dunbar:
This poster boy for [BIG MAC ATTACKS] follows around the lead [COLE MCGRATH], while making inane comments during their dangerous adventure in [EMPIRE CITY] while they fight the forces of [KESSLER], the primary antagonist. He looks retarded in his overweight [TYLER DURDEN] outfit, does almost nothing useful, and will only frustrate the player while they try to enjoy being a [GOOD GUY ELECTRO].
Now let me introduce you to Barry Wheeler:
This poster boy for [DIABETES] follows around the lead [ALAN WAKE], while making inane comments during their dangerous adventure in [BRIGHT FALLS] while they fight the forces of [VAGUE DARKNESS; ALSO ALAN WAKE], the primary antagonist. He looks retarded in his overweight [MARTY MCFLY] outfit, does almost nothing useful, and will only frustrate the player while they try to enjoy being a [SOCIOPATHIC WRITER].
Yeah . . .
Proving that the long history of dick punching each other via imitation isn't limited to film (see Armageddon VS Deep Impact, Antz VS A Bug's Life, The Wild VS Madagascar and many others), the makers of inFAMOUS and Alan Wake have been competing in a very narrow category: Fat, annoying Best friends to the main hero!
Both characters fulfill pretty much the same role in their respective games, and both represent a weird American dream: to have sycophantic crony ever at your side and helping out your greatness.
If I had to choose which is better . . . I guess I'd go with Barry. He's a bit less annoying overall, proves to be handy at least once (unlike Zeke, who only gets better in the sequel) , and actually gets a couple of decent moments:
Zeke . . . well he just sucks. But then he's supposed to, in order to make Cole look even cooler. So maybe he's actually better then? Better at sucking.
Yeah that seems appropriate for Zeke.
CJ (GTA San Andreas)
It's no secret that we Americans love our freedoms! Whether it be the freedom to say whatever the hell we want to whoever the hell is around, the freedom to go out into the desert and blow crap up with homemade thermite, or the freedom to just tuck in and engorge ourselves in our own base desires, we just . . . LOVE FREEDOM!
I think I've got something in my eye . . . I'm starting to . . . tear up!
Sorry, that's just my CBD (Chronic Beck Disorder) acting up. Let me take a wheeze from my inhaler . . .
Whew! Much better. Where were we?
Though there are plenty of RPGs out there that let us customize our stats and whatnot, I don't think there's a better representative for gaming freedom than Carl Johnson in Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas.
When we meet Carl - CJ to his friends - he's just a skinny dude getting back home to Grove Street, but as you keep going along with his thug life epic you learn that well, you have more freedom to control his appearance, actions, and even dating habits than Stephen King has stories featuring weird psychic kids.
You also have the freedom to pig out so much that you end up like Bart in his deepest fantasies:
OK, maybe not that much, but you can get pretty large. It's a completely optional thing, and actually pretty easy to do accidentally at first, once you learn that eating is the primary way to heal in the game and food is cheap. Also, the game's pretty realistic about losing weight - it takes WAY more effort to lose it than it does to put it on.
So I salute you CJ! You've given all us Americans an outlet for our drive by/drive thru dreams!
Bob (Tekken 6)
Living in the world of a fighting game has to be pretty weird. Everything runs by different rules. Or actually I should say, everything runs by one rule: The most important thing in life is knowing how use your fists to turn others into Hamburger Helper without the "helper".
The world of Tekken is no exception to this, and thus everyone who's anyone is living a life that is 90% Rocky training montage, and 10% melodramatic back story. This holds true no matter what, even if you're so big you make Jabba the Hutt want to go to the gym rather than introducing slave girls to your "pet rancor".
This is Bob:
Bob had bitch-t**s.
Oh no- wait. I got that wrong. Sorry.
Let me start over.
This is Bob:
Bob . . . probably still has b*tch-t**s actually.
His full name's Robert Richards (no relation to the stretchy guy), and he's an American fighter originally known for his ferocious speed, but rather small stature. But remember, this is a fighting game universe we're talking about so Bob decides to deliver a flying bicycle kick to his genetics and stuff himself with enough calories to raise his weight class from "Christian Bale in The Machinist" to "Adam Sandler at the end of Click".
Since he's an American, this isn't hard.
What a time to be alive.
So yeah he lives like he's on a food Network game show where he's the winner every night and fattens up. But he does this while training constantly in some sort of weird regimen that's supposed to maintain his speed while putting on the pudding padding.
And it works! Bob's one of the fastest damn characters in the game! Heck, he's top-tier! Some might even say he's a little too good (i.e. he's getting nerfed in Street Fighter X Tekken).
Aw he's getting nerfed? That's like death for a fighting game character! I guess we better start our mourning.
His name is Robert Richards. His name is Robert Richards. His name is Robert Richards. . .
L The List