Here are the most bizarre moments in sex ed videos from a time when adults had nothing better to do than carry around diagrams of genitals and invade the personal boundaries of children. Nowadays I feel as though the kids learn on their own, which is a bit of a sad reality. The mainstream culture is filled with sex, which makes it hard for kids not to see and learn things at much younger ages. We've come along ways from the ancient sex beliefs, which are pretty outrageous.
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It Felt Good, Didn't It?
Aside from the fact that this creepfest of a video features a 10 year old masturbating for the first 20 seconds, his Stepford-Wife mom's terrifyingly serene reaction to walking in on it really seals the deal for this video being one of the most off-putting sex ed video moments of all time.
Bonus: Ricky's thought process in reaction to what his mom says at 00:32 is clearly "who the hell do you think you are?"
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You're the Guy Who Said Gonorrhea Was No Worse Than A Cold
The video's only about 30 seconds long and features the angriest doctor anyone has ever seen taking the drunk-father approach to teaching and yelling at kids for getting STDs.
We're not even sure that the doctor gave these kids any treatment for their Gonorrhea, but we're pretty sure they all got a prescription for wise cracks.
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The Intro to Your Parents' Sex Advice Videos *Shiver*
This is terrifying for a few reasons.
1. These are the VHS videos that we would find in our parents' cabinets while spying around looking for what? What could we POSSIBLY have found that would've benefited us other than cigarettes, maybe? What?!
2. This is the intro for a sex advice video for adults who've rarely ever touched other adults.
3. The music. This is like the music you'd find at a planetarium where the seats move.
The fact that we don't get the XXX video also makes it even worse; mostly because it leaves us with our imaginations.
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Some Women Still Call Menstruation the Curse
Skip to 00:28 for a kind moment between mother and daughter...quickly interrupted by awkward, smirking father who almost blames the mother for his child's body rhythm.
4:24 is where the child at hand, Molly, learns how to put on a pad that is less revealing than some bikinis seen at an everyday beach. Why should you see this? The pad comes with a belt. Accessorize!
5:39 Here we learn what can and can't be done while on your period. Any girl can dance on her period, but God forbid she go SQUARE dancing, because everyone knows SQUARE DANCING is the most dangerous, gut-wrenching and strenuous kind of dance man has ever known.
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That Mike Is Really Filling Out...
This is a perfectly well-meaning sex education video from the 1950's entitled "As Boys Grow." In it, the teacher is taking a little bit too much notice of all the boys' bodies.
Head to 02:36 for the creepiest bit, where he starts playing favorites. There could be an entire list of just this particular video series, but we're a little more generous than that around here.
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I Had A Wet Dream Last Night
The best part comes with the entire first 35 seconds of this video in which these kids awkwardly recite dialogue that their parents obviously haven't told them about in real life yet.
After they describe wet dreams to each other (00:00 through 00:35) the mood takes a swan dive when we learn how distant a relationship one of the kids has with his brother... wtf?
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Period? What's That?
So, four teenage boys are sitting around casually talking about periods, as they do, but one of them doesn't know what they are.
"Periods? What's that?"
This is when their inexplicably prepared gym teacher walks in with charts of the female reproductive cycle under his arm, probably on his way out to lunch with other teachers walking around with charts under their arms waiting for students to talk about something they can teach (as they, clearly, often did in the 50's).
Skip to 00:53 through 00:59 for what a certain young teen thinks sperm cells are.
Skip to 3:44 - The video's real shining moment is the teacher's befuddlement at the question of why a guy would want to "go around" with a girl to begin with. As he struggles to answer the latent homosexual kid's question, his answer really just comes back around to "having a family". So you heard it here, folks, that's the only benefit of "going around with girls".
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A Girl Has Three Holes Between Her Legs
A mentally challenged girl is educated on the fact that she has three holes between her legs. After being convinced that she doesn't pee out of her "other" hole, at 00:28 through the end of the video, you get a glance of what diagram she's been working with this whole time.
The weirdest moment is at 1:14 when you see the accurate diagram of the female anatomy the student's been working with and how her perception of a naked woman will forever be that of an unhappy, grown-up, member of the Peanuts Gang.