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Super Meat BoySuper Meat Boy is an amazing game. The superb level design. The brutal difficulty. The hilarious cut-scenes. The cameos and bonuses... It's a pure joy to play.BUY @ amazon
Meat Boy himself though - he's horrifying.
He's a short (I think) humanoid, who I assume may have actually been a human boy. He has no skin, and bleeds EVERYWHERE HE GOES. To make matters even the slightest bit worse on an appearance scale he lost one of his teeth when the title screen hit him in the face, and one of his eyes is probably gone too. Just imagine a twelve year old boy running around your house without skin, grinning maniacally everywhere, and you have pictured what Meat Boy would look like on our plane of reality.
Hell if you watch the attached fan video, even though it keeps his cartoonish appearance, he's still fairly disgusting.
But it's that "skinless kid" version that's nightmarish. I'm not the only one to envision this, Magic the Gathering artist Dave Rapoza created this image for the game's PC cover:
Yeah, the whole cast of characters in the game is pretty awful actually.
Then there's the horror of his existence. Unlike most platformers, where the deaths of your guy aren't dwelled upon or really taken account of, in SMB, you actually get to go to hell, and discover the many dead versions of yourself in the pit of the dark lord Beezlebub. They even form into a giant dead body boss in order to stop you!
This means that maybe Meat Boy has powers similar to Mr. Immortal of the Great Lakes Avengers. That his entire life is a series of awful, painful deaths which he'll never be able to escape from.
Wow. That's just . . . yipes.
- 2Up 8Down 3Ever have to dissect an earthworm in biology class? I did. And boy howdy did that leave an impression on me. The impression mainly consisted of "Earthworms are nauseating".BUY @ amazon
So then you have Earthworm Jim, a funny cartoon worm, grown to a gigantic size, and massive intelligence (well for an worm at least).
OK. Not so bad really.
Here's what a giant Earthworm ACTUALLY looks like:
Now make that even larger, and envision the pulsing, throbbing nature of an earthworm. Then toss on some very large human eyeballs disproportionate to the size of the very large worm and a human mouth full of teeth equally as disproportionate.
I can only go ahead and sa- bluughhhh!!
Oh, and in the sequel, he carries a backpack jammed to the brim with living snot that has a pair of eyeballs floating in the gelatinous mass.
Speaking of mucous . . .
- 3Up 6Down 1What? Pac-Man? How is he bad?BUY @ amazon
Courtesy of artist Koldmilk on Deviant art, this is how he's bad...
Also, be sure to check out other examples of awesome Pac-Man art here.
But again, just think about the way he looks in game, and not in the happy cartoon pictures we see in 70's television shows or on lunch boxes.
He's a garish yellow orb that is mostly mouth, and a couple of eyeballs. He has no obvious form of locomotion, and definitely doesn't roll around, so I can only assume some disgusting snake-like s*******r muscles are on the part of his body that touches the ground. To aid in his movement, he's probably slimy as all get out, and it would also help create that sheen on his bulbous form. He consumes everything in his path, yet has no apparent anus, which means that waste probably comes out his mouth again, so I'm sure he smells like roses. Oh, and if he dies, he implodes in what I'm sure is a gruesome spectacle, since you would briefly get to see the inner working of his gastro-intestinal tract, or whatever it is that passes for it.
Oh, and not only can he consume most matter, but he even consumes your IMMORTAL SOUL when he's hopped up on goofballs.
Surely Blinky, Pinky, Inky and Clyde are spirits trapped in some sort of hell for awful sins they've committed in their previous lives. They are trapped eternally to be consumed by this ravenous beast. The fact that they can occasionally fight back, and they can never really predict when they'll be swallowed whole is on purpose. The randomness makes their re-deaths all the worse.
And to add to the grossness of what this disgusting character would like like... here's what he would look like dead, if you found him on the ground some (horrible, horrible) day:
- 4Up 4Down 0At first, I was going to go with Kirby, mostly because of this Penny Arcade comic:BUY @ amazon
But then I realized, there was another game character, one who was essentially like Kirby, but even more gelatinous, and with teeth! I'm talking of course about The Maw!
So basically, take Kirby, who is already pretty nasty, make him even more gelatinous, yank out one of his eyes, and make him purple. That's the Maw.
Like the Kirbster and the Pac attack, it also consumes everything in sight. But unlike either of those characters, there are no limits to what the maw can do. By the end of the game the Maw is consuming everything on the damn planet he's on and laughing evilly the whole time.
Still this wouldn't really be that bad, except for one thing: the maw is semi-transparent. This means that before he swallows you whole, you'll get to see your parents, boyfriend, sister, grandparents, and everyone before you sucked into his mass and slowly digested before your eyes - in a form that I imagine is similar to the remake of The Blob.
If you add that to the picture, and by that I mean the constantly dissolving, viscous, corpse mass that you can see as he slimes his way toward you, even the realistic Kiby pales in comparison.
And with that in my head - blargh!
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BoogermanYou know, it would take a lot to actually remain mostly human and end up on a list like this.BUY @ amazon
Boogerman actually fits the bill. I couldn't find any pictures of a Boogerman cosplayer so you're going to have deal with your imagination on this one.
Imagine one of these fine gentlemen:
Wearing this outfit:
And you've got a new tumor in your brain now.
But way worse than just the visual of an overweight homeless pedophile wearing form fitting spandex is the way Boogerman must smell.
Throughout the game that made him, well, not exactly famous, let's just say . . . known, he farts, belches and flicks his nose goblins at the various, uh, goblins he encounters. Sure, in the realm of "booger land" he's in, this might all be normal, and he even might be tolerable there.
But in the real world you'd be dealing with a man who has gut-busting B.O., doesn't mind releasing awful ass gas in your direction, and creates belches that would put Eudora Welty to shame.
Plus consider this. Most of his adventures probably all take place in his diseased mind, and he's probably hallucinating everything in his game - like a sort of uber filthy version of The Maxx, but without the caveat of a trans-dimensional wizard. So, not only would you likely have to re-swallow your breakfast as it tries to escape you if he entered the room, you'd also be dealing with a deranged maniac.
What a great hero for the kids! Thanks Sega!
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