The 10 Most Disgusting Video Game Heroes

What happens when you create a totally biological version of the Borg? You get the Zerg.

Oh and by the way, I realize that the Zerg aren't exactly a standard video game hero/protagonist, but you do get to play as them, so I figure it counts.

They're the end result of a malevolent hive mind that consumes the genetic code of the species it encounters, takes the most advantageous traits for survival, and churns out the stuff that will have you screaming yourself awake at night.

Plus they're just simply gross.

I mean look at their life cycle. Infest a planet and create a bunch of gooey, pulsating matter that looks like it belongs in a diseased, cancerous, colon and have it spread across the ground. They call it "creep", I call it "hurlicious". Or at least I would if I couldn't stop pu- blooghhugh!!

Then they grow egg chambers and queens to lay them, similar to the bitch-that-needs-to-get-away-from-Newt in Aliens, and start creating chrysalis egg sacs out of gigantic millipede looking things. Millipedes are disgusting AND scary. *shudders*

Also, maybe it's just me, but as these bastards evolve, I tend to think they get less pukerific. Ultralisks are actually pretty badass. But Overlords? Blech. Hydralisks have really disgusting mouths, and Infestors have those pulsating stomach sacs.

But for me, the Zerg are the most stomach-churning when their at their most basic. If I ever saw a drone, as depicted by artist Andantonius, I think it might actually have to stop to eat my recently emptied stomach contents, before it killed me. Maybe that's the advantage I'd need to get away actually.

At first, Baraka from Mortal Kombat was in this spot, and I was pretty satisfied. I mean, as fighting game characters go, he's pretty nasty.


...But then I remembered BlazBlue, and in the memory came Arakune.










He's definitely creepy, that's for sure. He's got that no-face look going on, with both the eerie white basic face mask, and the amorphous blackish body. He's also very, very, insane, another checkmark in the terrifying category.

But then there's the fact that he literally is just pulsating goo that can shape itself into all sorts of forms, and inside this goo live a number of disgusting plague-bugs. One of his attacks has flies erupting out of his body to swarm you! That means that, inside this goo, live probably a million maggots!

Excuse me while I take care of something .

Oh and then there's his skeleton hand, which . . . uuuhhgh.

Yeah, Baraka can suck Arakune's . . . uh. . . yeah.

Have you ever actually seen a dead body? In all liklihood, you haven't. Or if you have, you've seen one in a casket, all dressed nicely and treated by a mortician to not be that disturbing. This is a good thing, because if you've ever actually sees a rotting corpse in your vicinity, you know that it's one of the easiest ways to start your path to bulimia.

So I knew a dead guy probably should be on the list, and started thinking of videogame dead guys who you play as. There are actually quite a few. Spinal from Killer Instinct, Chakan the Forever Man, The Nameless One from Planescape Torment. Not to mention the plethora of vampires to choose from.

But the thing is, none of these dudes are recently dead, they're all mummified or preserved, or if not, just bones. In both cases, this is the nicest way to view a carcass.

But then there are zombies! Always in the perfect, most disgusting state of decay, these nasties have recently taken over the world . . . of the media anyway.

And there's really only one zombie that's notably playable: Stubbs!



I don't think he really needs too much justification. Just try to ignore all of the zombie films you've seen. Try to forget that you own the Zombie Survival handbook. Just try to imagine an encounter with a real zombie. Especially on whose guts are hanging out, but is still shambling toward you unstoppably.

Huuuuuuuuuuaghh!

I suppose all anthropomorphic characters could probably fit here actually. I mean, if you look at realistic versions of say, the Starfox team (as seen in their original print ads):



You definitely sense an off-kilter disconnect with what's normal in a pic like that. But I think the overall visually pleasing nature of a fox or bunny, even when made human-esque, carries it through to just being weird, not gross.

Slippy, on the other hand, is pretty vile. But that's what happens when you try to make something like this:



And try to make it both human AND cute. It just can't be done.

I'm pretty much going to give this to Frog (from Chrono Trigger) though, mostly because, in the game he's in, almost everyone he encounters pretty much remarks that he's the most disgusting thing they've seen. This makes sense, since he was cursed to this form, and that was one of the intentions in the spell. Plus, like the Ninja Turtles (who inspired this entry, but alas aren't originally game characters), he lives in a world with enough humans to know that he's rather gross.

But I suppose this also goes out to the Battletoads too. Especially if they live up to their names. Ugh.

So, when looking at this list, I realized something. Most things that end up being gross in videogames have a lot to do with gluttony and eating. Pac-man can't stop eating. The Zerg consume at a genetic level, The Maw consumes on a world-wide level, and even Stubbs needs to eat brains.

There's definitely something about those that can't stop their intake of food that seems to have an inverse reaction on the average human digestive system.

Which leads me to Quina.







Now, if I'm being honest, Quina really isn't that bad to look at, when compared to others on the list. I mean, it's got a huge tongue, sure, and it definitely has a creepy clown thing going on with its face, but that's again, not too bad. It also has no gender, which is normal for it's race, the Qu, and again, while that's weird, not too terrible.

But think what gets me, are the clothes. We never see what a Qu actually looks like, and to me, I feel it's hiding something awful. If nothing else, I can only imagine rolls upon rolls of heaving quivering flesh that undulate with each step, since this creature just can't stop eating everything it encounters. I can't stop my mind's eye from combining the fattest women with the palest men into an erection destroying amalgam of doom.

I just don't trust it. I just don't know. I'm pretty sure I don't want to know.

Seriously. What the f**k are you Quina?