The Stoic Single TearvThis particular method of crying is best used for public situations that become very emotional. Examples of this include: the death of a family member, the death of a beloved pet, and spilling your beer at the hockey game. The hurt may be welling up inside of you but you're a man and you're only going to let it show by putting on a rock hard face and allowing the flow of a single tear.
This is also known as The Will Smith Cry as evidenced by his employment of this in a unique situation (being homeless and trying to provide for his son) at 04:00 in the attached clip.
The Retreat to the Other Room to Get a Beer CryLet's say you're conducting your fantasy football draft with a bunch of buddies at your house when you get a call from your boss telling you that you've been fired. You've got a wife and two kids to support and you have a buddy who's been out on the job market for six months now. It's going to be a rough haul and you're feeling pretty shaken up.
The best thing to do? Just laugh as you put down the phone, get up from your chair, burp loudly and declare that you're going to go get a beer, offering to bring one back for any bitched that's thirsty as well. Once you've gotten out of hearing distance from the room your friends are in, let those feelings well up and allow the tears to flow.
Only allow a minute for this to occur so as to not raise suspicion, put some Clear Eyes eye drops in your eyes, grab those beers from the fridge (checking to see if the pictured mountains are blue) and finish your draft like the man you are.
The Firing Your Gun CryIf you've got to cry and there are no other options, then grab the nearest gun and fire it while you weep. You'll look like a badass doing it and people will assume that those tears are worth it.
The Blame it on Allergies CryIn the event that either a) there is no gun nearby or b) one of your buddies who didn't ask for a beer decides to get one and walks in on you crying then the best course of action is to blame it on allergies. If your friend mentions that he's never heard of you having allergies before then just tell him to "shut the f**k up and get a beer already." Once he's gone, feel free to resume your crying if you're still under the minute mark.
The Get Drunk and Deny it Afterwards CryLet's face it, drinking can do a lot of messed up things to us men including making us more emotional. This is especially true if you've just recently had a break up that you said you didn't give a s**t about (but really did). This can generally lead to your buddies taking you out for a few beers to "forget about that bitch." The only thing is, when the drinking starts, you don't forget about her and weirdly enough, you start thinking about her even more. After about ten beers or so, you begin telling all your friends how much you miss her, start crying, and wonder aloud "why can't men be more emotional?"
When you wake up the next morning, your friends might mention how you cried and how funny it looked. DENY IT! Even if they recorded your tears with their iPhone, just tell them that you were f**king with them. As long as you never own up to those beer soaked tears, then your manhood will remain intact.
The Cursing Up a Storm CryThis cry is best reserved for two situations: finding out your wife (or girlfriend) cheated on you and stubbing your toe really hard against the wall. In both situations you won't be able to avoid tears but there are two ways of going about it. The first is to be a p***y, curl up in a ball and cry, wondering why this happened to you. The second is to take it like a f**king man and use every swear word you know for as long as those tears are coming.
The End of Braveheart CryBecause it's always OK to cry at the end of Braveheart. If you're with a group of people, employing the stoic, single tear (or pulling a Will Smith) is generally best, but if it can't be avoided, then it's always forgiveable to cry at the end of this movie. Gladiator's OK too but nothing else.
The Thumping Your Chest CryThis one is to be used while you're trying to explain something to someone that's very personal to you such as how tough it is to be a man. Thumping your chest while you cry will remind people of King Kong or Tarzan and both are good examples of masculinity to be associated with.
The 'I Shall Avenge You' CryIf your buddy or a family member of yours has been murdered it's alright to cry as much as you want as long as you swear vengeance on the people responsible. This is commonly followed up with the "firing your gun cry" when the vengeance is taken.
The Happy CryThis cry is allowed, but very strickly monitored. A Happy Cry can only happen for a man under the following circumstances: the birth of his child (because spreading your seed is a very manly thing to do), marrying your wife (because she will allow you to spread your manly seed) and winning the Super Bowl (because that would be so awesome).
A Happy Cry is strictly forbidden under the following circumstances: after sex (not even employing the Will Smith or the Grabbing a Beer Cry will make this one right), the team you're a fan of winning the Super Bowl (because you had nothing to do with it), and after Jerry Maguire (or any other movie with a happy ending).
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