Are you a man? Are you experiencing emotions that are tough and alien to you? Emotions that make you want to cry? Are you worried that if you allow the tears to flow that you'll lose your card to Mandom? Well, fear no longer men because crying is OK. As long as you cry like a man. Here's how you do it.
The Stoic Single Tear
This particular method of crying is best used for public situations that become very emotional. Examples of this include: the death of a family member, the death of a beloved pet, and spilling your beer at the hockey game. The hurt may be welling up inside of you but you're a man and you're only going to let it show by putting on a rock hard face and allowing the flow of a single tear.
This is also known as The Will Smith Cry as evidenced by his employment of this in a unique situation (being homeless and trying to provide for his son) at 04:00 in the attached clip.
The Retreat to the Other Room to Get a Beer Cry
Let's say you're conducting your fantasy football draft with a bunch of buddies at your house when you get a call from your boss telling you that you've been fired. You've got a wife and two kids to support and you have a buddy who's been out on the job market for six months now. It's going to be a rough haul and you're feeling pretty shaken up.
The best thing to do? Just laugh as you put down the phone, get up from your chair, burp loudly and declare that you're going to go get a beer, offering to bring one back for any bitched that's thirsty as well. Once you've gotten out of hearing distance from the room your friends are in, let those feelings well up and allow the tears to flow.
Only allow a minute for this to occur so as to not raise suspicion, put some Clear Eyes eye drops in your eyes, grab those beers from the fridge (checking to see if the pictured mountains are blue) and finish your draft like the man you are.
The Firing Your Gun Cry
If you've got to cry and there are no other options, then grab the nearest gun and fire it while you weep. You'll look like a badass doing it and people will assume that those tears are worth it.
The Blame it on Allergies Cry
In the event that either a) there is no gun nearby or b) one of your buddies who didn't ask for a beer decides to get one and walks in on you crying then the best course of action is to blame it on allergies. If your friend mentions that he's never heard of you having allergies before then just tell him to "shut the f**k up and get a beer already." Once he's gone, feel free to resume your crying if you're still under the minute mark.
The Get Drunk and Deny it Afterwards Cry
Let's face it, drinking can do a lot of messed up things to us men including making us more emotional. This is especially true if you've just recently had a break up that you said you didn't give a s**t about (but really did). This can generally lead to your buddies taking you out for a few beers to "forget about that bitch." The only thing is, when the drinking starts, you don't forget about her and weirdly enough, you start thinking about her even more. After about ten beers or so, you begin telling all your friends how much you miss her, start crying, and wonder aloud "why can't men be more emotional?"
When you wake up the next morning, your friends might mention how you cried and how funny it looked. DENY IT! Even if they recorded your tears with their iPhone, just tell them that you were f**king with them. As long as you never own up to those beer soaked tears, then your manhood will remain intact.
The Cursing Up a Storm Cry
This cry is best reserved for two situations: finding out your wife (or girlfriend) cheated on you and stubbing your toe really hard against the wall. In both situations you won't be able to avoid tears but there are two ways of going about it. The first is to be a p***y, curl up in a ball and cry, wondering why this happened to you. The second is to take it like a f**king man and use every swear word you know for as long as those tears are coming.
The End of Braveheart Cry
Because it's always OK to cry at the end of Braveheart. If you're with a group of people, employing the stoic, single tear (or pulling a Will Smith) is generally best, but if it can't be avoided, then it's always forgiveable to cry at the end of this movie. Gladiator's OK too but nothing else.
The Thumping Your Chest Cry
This one is to be used while you're trying to explain something to someone that's very personal to you such as how tough it is to be a man. Thumping your chest while you cry will remind people of King Kong or Tarzan and both are good examples of masculinity to be associated with.