- 1Up 31Down 5
OozinatorUm, wow. The Ooozinator from Super Soaker really outdid itself, as a toy.
C'mon, in the 90's we all knew exactly what the Super Soaker looked like in general: you'd have to pump the thing about 30 times before you could get out a solid enough stream to even reach the person nearest by. The harder, more often and faster you pumped, the more water would come out. Fine, we can live with that. But the change in the water's consistency really brought this to a whole new level.
The product itself is only a half terrible idea, but the commercial where we see this thing in action really sealed the deal.
As if there wasn't enough phallic insinuation woven throughout, the last second of the ad proudly states "major pumping required".
- 2Up 42Down 14
Baby Wee-WeeFrom a not-so-innocent time called the "90's" comes Baby Wee Wee. A toy that pees for your children. Scratch that, an ANATOMICALLY CORRECT toy that pees for your children.
The reveal of the toy's main function in this commercial really sold us on how insanely graphic the toy really is.
People may joke about Ken not having anything downstairs, but thanks to this horrible toy, we can see that it's better that no clothing-optional children's toy is anatomically correct. It just looks creepy, and the thought that you're buying a toy to do nothing but pee all over the place just adds insult to injury. We may need therapy after this commercial.
- 3Up 24Down 7
Inflatable SlideThere are more than one of these inflatable products floating around, and even more videos of kids coming out of these contraptions that look a little bit phallic. But the red color of this one was just too much. Way too much. And the fact that the entire structure is phallic and extremely long, well, pretty much put the nail in the coffin that yes: our children are this inflatable structure's love juices.
Depending on your familiarity with human anatomy, you may imagine more than a few parts that this looks like: take your pick because there is no right answer. The only way this product could be any worse is if it was a slip and slide with water from the next item...
- 4Up 18Down 6
Elmo Loves BallsWe apologize for the inclusion of hosted videos on this list (there are only two), so please just fast forward to 00:45 to see this toy in action.
The toy: Elmo's World "Guess What?" Elmo. Other than teaching kids the joys of redundancy, this toy talks about a whole bunch of things. BUt always on different days. Here are the things that he talks about!
6. Birthday Cakes
Wait, what as that last one? Was that "balls"? Oh God, really? 00:45 to hear Elmo talk endlessly, innocently and disturbingly about "balls".
- 5Up 11Down 3
Lion King ToyThis (probably) McDonald's Rafiki toy is meant to mirror and recreate that inspiring, beautiful and memorable moment from the Disney classic The Lion King where Rafiki (the baboon/monkey/wise-man) raises Simba over his head to show the entire kingdom their new prince and f*ture king.
The toy has been made to allow Rafiki to hold Simba just a liiiiittle too far down. So far down that this becomes really, really disturbing.
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