The 12 Most Inappropriate Kids' Toys of All Time Anything
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The 12 Most Inappropriate Kids' Toys of All Time

Inappropriate kids toys come in many shapes and sizes - just like the body parts they sometimes resemble. Toy developers have to come up with enough ideas every day to quench kids' unrelenting need to have more "stuff." It's understandable that their ideas can't all be winners, but some of these inappropriate toys for kids sink worlds below the realm of "bad idea" all the way down to the "what the hell were you thinking" variety. We've gathered some of the world's most awful children's toys here so you can see what we mean.

A toy fail can be a nightmare for parents. So, without further ado, here are 11 horribly offensive toy fails, inappropriate toys, and bad toys for kids that make us second guess the entire children's toy industry. Who knew there were even this many perverted kids toys! And sure, funny kids' toys are something to laugh at, but imagine the face on the outraged, upper middle class, 80s-movie-villain parents that discovered these and let that image see you through the rest of this list as happy as a clam. 

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  1. 1
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    Inflatable Slide


    There are more than one of these inflatable products floating around, and even more videos of kids coming out of these contraptions that look a little bit phallic. But the red color of this one was just too much. Way too much. And the fact that the entire structure is phallic and extremely long, well, pretty much put the nail in the coffin that yes: our children are this inflatable structure's love juices.

    Depending on your familiarity with human anatomy, you may imagine more than a few parts that this looks like: take your pick because there is no right answer. The only way this product could be any worse is if it was a slip and slide with water from the next item...

  2. 2
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    Lion King Toy


    This (probably) McDonald's Rafiki toy is meant to mirror and recreate that inspiring, beautiful and memorable moment from the Disney classic The Lion King where Rafiki (the baboon/monkey/wise-man) raises Simba over his head to show the entire kingdom their new prince and f*ture king.

    The toy has been made to allow Rafiki to hold Simba just a liiiiittle too far down. So far down that this becomes really, really disturbing.

  3. 3
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    Tarzan Toy


    Much like many of the inappropriate toys that exist all over the world, this is one that uses a simple arm "smashing" function that really makes the toy look like he (and it must be a "he" for this to work) is doing something he wasn't intended to (as a toy). There are so many of these everywhere, that it's really only perverted teenagers who see the "sex" in everything that make the toys "inappropriate".

    And since we only bring you the best (and the classiest) here at Ranker, this is one toy whose hand is actually in the right position. And its basically naked. The fact that this is one of the toy's only functions is absolutely ridiculous (and a little hilarious). How could they not have seen this?!

    If the design was for Tarzan to pound his chest (you know, like he's actually known for), then it's a double fail.

    Don't ponder the reasoning behind this, because you'll just end up with a headache on top of your dirty mind.

    Apparently no one on the Disney product check department really cares about the gestures of their toys... as really solidified in item #11.

  4. 4
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    Wolverine Hammer


    Unless this product was developed, tested, assembled, and sold by blind robots, someone along the way must have seen the issue with this toy. You might go as far as to say that this was a conscious choice by some juvenile toy maker, because it is really hard to believe that with all the development that goes into toys, this made it through various tests without a hitch.

    This, of course, is the infamous Wolverine Bop Hammer. This hammer makes a squeaky sound when you hit it against things. You know, like in the Wolverine comics (???)

    It's an inflatable toy, which makes sense, as any other kind of hammer would probably be too dangerous for kids.

    00:26 - 00:56 You don't have to watch the whole video, but look at where they put the spigot on the toy. Where someone has to put their mouth to blow up the toy. Check out exactly where they put it. We all really really loved Wolverine as a kid... but I don't think any one of us loved him THAT much.

  5. 5
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    Baby Wee-Wee


    From a not-so-innocent time called the "90's" comes Baby Wee Wee. A toy that pees for your children. Scratch that, an ANATOMICALLY CORRECT toy that pees for your children.

    The reveal of the toy's main function in this commercial really sold us on how insanely graphic the toy really is.

    People may joke about Ken not having anything downstairs, but thanks to this horrible toy, we can see that it's better that no clothing-optional children's toy is anatomically correct. It just looks creepy, and the thought that you're buying a toy to do nothing but pee all over the place just adds insult to injury. We may need therapy after this commercial.

  6. 6
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    Um, wow. The Ooozinator from Super Soaker really outdid itself, as a toy.

    C'mon, in the 90's we all knew exactly what the Super Soaker looked like in general: you'd have to pump the thing about 30 times before you could get out a solid enough stream to even reach the person nearest by. The harder, more often and faster you pumped, the more water would come out. Fine, we can live with that. But the change in the water's consistency really brought this to a whole new level.

    The product itself is only a half terrible idea, but the commercial where we see this thing in action really sealed the deal.

    As if there wasn't enough phallic insinuation woven throughout, the last second of the ad proudly states "major pumping required".

  7. 7
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    Elmo Loves Balls


    We apologize for the inclusion of hosted videos on this list (there are only two), so please just fast forward to 00:45 to see this toy in action.

    The toy: Elmo's World "Guess What?" Elmo. Other than teaching kids the joys of redundancy, this toy talks about a whole bunch of things. But always on different days. Here are the things that he talks about!

    1. Bugs
    2. Hats
    3. Shoes
    4. Bananas
    5. Fish
    6. Birthday Cakes
    7. Balls

    Wait, what as that last one? Was that "balls"? Oh God, really? 00:45 to hear Elmo talk endlessly, innocently and disturbingly about "balls".

  8. 8
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    How Wet Will You Get?


    When do you ask a young girl "how wet will you get"? When? Unless you're under the supervision of Chris Hansen, we don't think this is ever appropriate.

    Enter "Love N' Licks" pets. A dog whose mouth gets wetter and wetter as it gets happier. When you make it happy, he gets wetter, and then that makes YOU wet. So wet! That...well, watch the commercial.

    It's not even like this is a water toy you hook up to your garden hose either, which brings up horrible thought number two: what is this toy really training kids to do?

  9. 9
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    "X", As In The Last Sound In...


    This Phonics Bus is a great little wheeled toy that works a lot like the Speak And Spell in that it teaches kids the letters of the alphabet, how to read, how to sound them out and what each letter sounds like in a word. For example, "S" is a letter that makes the sound "sssss", as in the first sound in Ssssssnakes!

    "X" is a letter that has many uses. But mostly, we use it at the end of words. For example "X" makes the sound like at the end of the word... wait.

    Sounds like it's trying to say "Box" and failing miserably. Bad audio in kids' toys is (and was) to blame for VERY many a silly travesty like this. There are endless videos of people mishearing certain children's toys with voices, but they all fall pretty flat. For any Speak And Spell swearing, you really have to be searching for it. Same with most of the other videos on the internet.

    This one, on the other hand, can't be missed. "X". You know, like the end of the word...

  10. 10
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    Rapping Frog


    Kids sing all sorts of songs without realizing what the lyrics actually mean, but this is just ridiculous.

    Who would hear this 50 Cent song and take it at face value?

    This song is about as much about candy as Billy Idol's "Dancing With Myself" is about dancing. "Oh, it's about candy, and that's all. Let's shove it inside a hip-hop (boo) frog!"

    The real question is, does 50 Cent get royalties every time someone turns on the toy?

    Here are the lyrics from 50 Cent's "Candy Shop" that this candy-holding frog "sings":

    [50 Cent]
    I'll take you to the candy shop
    I'll let you lick the lollipop
    Go 'head girl, don't you stop
    Keep going 'til you hit the spot (woah)

    [Female Voice]
    I'll take you to the candy shop
    Boy one taste of what I got
    I'll have you spending all you got
    Keep going 'til you hit the spot (woah)

  11. 11
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    Play-Doh Pumps


    Seriously, someone at Play-Doh designed this, tested it, put probably half a dozen different colors of Play-Doh through it and STILL decided it was a good idea to give it to kids to play with. Bravo and/or WTF?!

    A group of parents took to the internet and got all pissy and demanded a recall, which the provider of "frosting dispersal devices" totally caved into. 

    Source: USA Today

  12. 12
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    Mr. Bucket


    This toy first appeared in 1993, and even a seven-year-old could tell something wasn't right with it. It's not clear what Hasbro was thinking when they dreamed this up, but here's the likely evolution of it:

    Name: Mr. Bucket (fine) => Catchphrase: Buckets of fun (genius) => Function and appearance: You toss balls into the top, (okay?) and the balls get spit out his mouth (WTF?!?).

    As of a few years ago the toy has been officially discontinued, but for about a decade no one bothered to tell the toy makers that they should investigate; probably because it was way too funny.

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