Tom Felton (Malfoy) Fan Offers to Adopt Him
While visiting America, Tom Felton, who plays Harry Potter's sub-nemesis Draco Malfoy, got a great taste of what it's like to be famous in the good ol' US of A when a Harry Potter fan offered to adopt him.
That's right, someone offered to become his legal guardian while he was still underage, and to take them to their house, and then to eventually live in a house with him named after his character in the films (Malfoy Manor).
The man then showed him documentation and sent him documents (the ones he actually needed) to disown his parents and move in with him.
I know. I know.
An Entire Species of Owl is Brought to Endangerment
We all remember Hedwig, the snowy white owl companion of Harry Potter and arguably one of the best fictional pets ever, from the films and the books as the only owl you've ever seen that doesn't look like a demon.
But perhaps history will now remember Hedwig as the owl that endangered her species.
Hedwig increased the owl-hunting and owl-poaching business single-handed in India, as birthday boys demanded owls as presents while hunters shot white owls down -- probably to decorate the dining room mantles of their sick, twisted, "we couldn't just buy them the plushie" household.
The carnage was so extensive that J.K. Rowling had to speak out and bring awareness to this sensitive issue. In a statement, Rowling asserted that "If it is true that anybody has been influenced by my books to think that an owl would be happiest shut in a small cage and kept in a house, I would like to take this opportunity to say as forcefully as I can: please don’t." She should've done her research and made Harry Potter's pet a pigeon. At least then we'd be accomplishing something.
It remains to be seen whether her statements will help fight the declining white owl population since while some fans will demand the owls as birthday presents, others will hold owl sacrifices to drive away evil spirits (like Voldemort).
Some Guy Photoshops Emma Watson's Head Onto CP (Child Pornography)
Here's the news headline: "Loner who superimposed Harry Potter star Emma Watson's face on to child p*********y is spared jail."
Makes sense, though. It was only 2,000 images on his computer. We all have files that big, right?... right?
And another perfectly normal thing he did was super-impose his head onto other Harry Potter characters' bodies in movie stills he had to get "closer" to her.
These were among some of the tamer things that were found on internet stalker, pedophile and overall real-life-Phillip-Seymour-Hoffman-from-Happiness John Cavanaugh's Chamber of Secrets.
He was let go, though, because the judge realized that he wasn't spreading them, he was just keeping them, and everyone felt sorry for the guy because, yes, he is just that pathetic.
"He just thinks Emma Watson is hot, like the rest of the world", you say? Well, if that were true, he'd have superimposed his head on paparazzi or beach pics, not movie stills from the popular franchise. This guy just wanted to be her Ron. *shiver*
The Creepiest, Most Endearing Harry Potter Fan Meets the Castv
Here's some back story: a Japanese show held a contest where 10,000 insane Harry Potter fans competed for a chance to visit the UK set of the Half-Blood Prince movie and meet the stars in person. A girl named Kana won. Needless to say, to win the contest, you need to have the ability for your insanity to exponentially grow to uncharted levels.
Enter the showpieces where Kana tries on a hat and is faux-stalked by different members of the cast.
When Rupert Grint dorkily sneaks up on Kana at 4:33, his appearance practically sucks all the breath out of her body. When she regains composure, she does the creepiest thing she does in the whole video:
She asks what she also asks of Daniell Radcliffe, which is sheepily ask "Touch Ok?". After she gets confirmation that "touch" is "ok", she touches the celebrities' faces and then smells her fingers.
This means that either Ron Weasley's eyelashes were made of a fine, sophisticated cut of cocaine or she's just really that Buffalo-Billesque.
The only recourse the audience and Rupert had at this insane, insane moment was to laugh with the nervousness of a man about to die.
But that's not even comparable to when she meets Daniel Radcliffe, which needs to be seen to be believed.
1:02. Longest hand-shake ever, complete with sparkly Japanese game show sound effects and a hilariously awkward Daniel Radcliffe saying the same two words over and over again in a situation where really, what DO you say?
And if you go to 2:37 of the video, you will witness the best of moment of the entire interview (and of this young girl's life) and a pretty accurate summary of what she does the entire time.
You need to watch 2:37 of this video. This girl is the cutest non-fictional psychopath in television history.
Whoever the Hell Writes Harry Potter SLASH Fiction
Harry Potter slashfiction (a lot of which can be found Here) is basically fan erotica (which are pornographic stories) about the Harry Potter cast.
Let me repeat this: erotic fiction about the under-aged KIDS in all the Harry Potter books.
Some popular pages (after only my first try at the ol' Google) lead to entire sites filled with links to download word files or dumps of certain stories starring the following combos of dudes either passionately touching, holding back sexual desires (which are clearly thought-upon in the narrative of the stories) and coming-of-age (no pun intended) "curiosity" stories.
Here are some combos:
Draco/Harry (for a kind of disturbing artist's rendering, click here, you've been warned, it cannot be unseen.)
All of which are marked PG or PG-13... UNTIL you get to the NC-17 submissions like
*Shiver* Seriously Internet, WTF?
Emma Watson Stalked By Harvard Students
Emma Watson, who is now a student at Brown University (and for those of you keeping score 20 years old) was stalked by a bunch of Harvard geeks that ended up terrifying her and making great strides towards crapping directly on Harvard's name (Yale rejoices), as well as almost drawing police attention.
At a football game where Harvard was playing Brown these Ivy League gentlemen decided to participate in a school newspaper mandated game of stalking, just to make Emma Watson uncomfortable and to mess with their enemies (Brown).
Here's the full news story.
The whole thing would've been alright, had their stunt been funny, but sadly for them, it was not. Here's what they live-tweeted during the game:
"We will be Live-Tweetin' the game and possibly stalking Emma Watson, so keep your eyes peeled for that, too!"
"Let’s go Hermione! Lolz,"
"In enemy territory. Lookin for a certain witch"
"WATSON FOUND. i repeat WATSON FOUND."
Ivy League education goin to good use, there.
Watson's reaction was reported to be "distressed", as she started going to school to get away from her "fame", which realistically will never "go away", not until the movies are over and/or until she gains a bunch of weight.
Your move, Watson. They'll be waiting.
This isn't directly a Harry Potter-related crime, but a crime commmitted from a Harry Potter fan loyal enough to wear the shirt he was wearing (click here to buy the shirt he was wearing! What?) in public.
At Comic-Con, the Mecca of rabid fans, a fan of some sort was saving a seat for somebody. Mr. Harry Potter fan seemed to have objected to this other fan's ability to have a seat "saved" for him while everyone else stood in an 8-hour line to get into the hall (he was kinda right).
This Harry Potter fan got so angry that he used the Eyeballicus Expelliamus spell and stabbed the guy in the eye with a pen. He also got red stains all over his nice Harry Potter shirt (which seriously, you can buy here).
Inexcuseable: a wizard never, ever, uses Muggle violence.
Source news story: âAw, it had to be a black guy, didnât it...
The Entire Wizard Rock Scenev
Wizard Rock is an actually-existent form of "music" that revolves around the Harry Potter universe, and wizardry in general (and no, not in a cool, epic way like Dragonforce.)
Here's an example of some of the music you can hear if you're looking to get into "Wizard Rock" to the left.
The genre of Wizard of Rock is known throughout the universe, and to even the Guinness books, for spawning the existence of the first band of popular musicians who have never laid a hand on a member of the opposite sex.
Here are some examples of some actual band names:
The Luna Lovegoods
The Sirius Black Attack
Harry and the Potters
Draco and the Malfoys
Albus and the Dumbledores
Ginny and the Weasleys
Hermione and the Grangers
Severus and the Snapes
Dobby and the House Elves
The Butterbeer Experience
The Whomping Willows
The Band Who Must Not Be Named
The Azkaban Work-Release Program
Tonks and the Aurors
and my personal favorite because it actually sounds kind of badass...
The Ministry of Magic
Test the limits of your taste with the video embedded here of the Draco and the Malfoys hit, "My Dad is Rich (And Your Dad is Dead)."
In a contest for the biggest Harry Potter fans ever, this guy reveals that he's read every book multiple times (according to him over 100 times).
He's read every single piece of merchandise ever.
Three rooms of his house are filled with Harry Potter merchandise.
He wore a wizard robe to his prom.
He draws pictures of the characters (which actually aren't bad but jeez.)
He has a neck tattoo.
He has enough Harry Potter clothes so that he can wear nothing but Harry Potter clothes for three months... and never wear the same thing twice.
Harry Potter Spoiler Crewsv
In an exercise that sounds more exhausting than an all-night rave, followed by a morning of self-hatred and regret, people camped out, then waited for hours at the midnight premieres of the Harry Potter books. Then they read them. After announcing that the book was officially on sale, you'd wait over an hour to get your book and then go home and read it until about 8AM.
The most frustrating part of this whole experience? The Harry Potter Spoiler crews, aka guys who would drive by the really long lines and tell people the plot twists, endings and/or important deaths in each Harry Potter book.
These trolls have nothing better to do than spoil it for everybody. But notably, this time, they came out in droves, motivated to spoil the very ending of the series for fans who have been waiting a lifetime to discover on their own how the saga ends.
They were obviously fans, or at least knew enough about the franchise to not only get some key plot points head of time, but to know where to go for the highest concentration of fans.
As the nation suffered Harry Potter Spoiler drive-bys, most of the helpless fan could only shout vulgar, yet ultimately f*tile and meaningless insults towards the people who could never undo what they'd just done.
For insane events like this, where spoilers are a danger and people actually care about an ending, it can be assumed that there are people out there who want to ruin everyone's good time.
So, for f*ture reference, if you're ever at an event like this, please bring what is described in this video as An Anti-Spoiler Megaphone.
French Kid Translates Book Into French, Releases His Version
Here's a sentence for ya: French police arrested a French kid for posting the first three chapters of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows in French before the book came out in France. I repeat, I think they were French.
Anyway, how insanely dedicated do you have to be to go page-by-page, word-by-word and TRANSLATE a book? Sure your blog would get a lot of hits, but you can't wait? And you don't think that maybe this intellectual property is cared for a little? Boys will be boys, but this particular stunt to quite a bit of actual skill.
Not only do you have to be a master at grammar, but you're also dealing with word choices, therefore the tone of the book, the mood of the characters and the pacing of the writing.
Translations can go wickedly bad and anyone who likes it as a hobby is crazy.
And now, it's illegal in France.
Because over there, rather than just take it down and issue a "cease and desist", they'll just throw you in the can.
At least the kid was released later shortly afterward and everything was fine, so thank goodness that the kid did this in France and not Thailand.
Harry Potter Theme Park Opening Dayv
The opening of the Harry Potter theme park must have seemed like the opening of the first Disneyland, only with a slightly older crowd and coated in the danger of roaming, hungry pedophiles.
People everywhere, 3 hour lines for rides and lines everywhere for a taste of butterbeer and other gross stuff from the movie that even the actors didn't have to taste (mostly because it doesn't exist).
Even more amusing are the anecdotes of getting up at 2 in the morning to arrive at parking at 3:30 and getting turned away until 5. Because that's the exact time that everyone wants to ride carnival rides and go through fake castles and eat an entire turkey leg: 4 in the morning.
People were sitting there for hours, waiting for the park to open along with thousands of other people. All under the hot, humid, sticky Florida heat. That's right, I forgot to say, all this happened in Florida.
If you've ever been to Florida you know that you pretty much stay out of the "outdoors" unless you're working on your "GTL" or you don't burn like a cinder after 5 minutes in the sun, like I do.
Here's a video of the opening of the park, filled with everything you'd expect out of Harry Potter fans like enormous Mexican Flags, unnecessary close-ups, and young kids wandering the park alone.
And Now, A Whole Gallery of Harry Potter Tattoos
Well, if you can't have magic like in a young adult book series, then when you're 18 (or if you have cool, foolish parents) you can always go for the next best thing: branding it on your skin for life.
Nothing's more crazy or *evil (*read: lame) than getting the Dark Mark tattooed on your forearm... and then pressing it in hopes to awake the Dark Lord and summon all Death Eaters to commence the destruction of the magical and Muggle worlds!!!... only to have nothing happen.
Here are the worst, most over-the-top Harry Potter Tattoos of All Time: