- the list
Florida Inmate Packs 30 Items for PrisonTo be exact, he packed 17 Oxycodone pills, 1 cigarette, 6 matches, 1 flint, 1 empty syringe with an eraser over the needle part, 1 lip balm container, 1 condom, 1 CVS receipt, and a coupon... in his rectum.
That's right, he stuffed all of this into his rectum (in a condom) on his way to prison, just so he could have all that stuff. This happens quite often, but this is really the biggest, varied, grab bag of goodies ever almost-snuck into a prison. It really would've made for quite the decadent first week. Also, there was another condom in there... just in case. If you're going to make some sexual changes in prison, you might as well be safe about it.
The best of these stories aren't the medical oddities or the insanely weird eating disorders, but the absolute f*cking weirdos who choose to use their lower intestine as a duffel bag.
The most impressive part about this whole ordeal, other than this guy's commitment to having amenities in prison, is whatever the condom brand was. If that information ever got released, this would be GREAT publicity for that brand. hell, I'd put it in commercials if I were them.
Man Tries to Fish Out Vibrator with Salad Tongs, Is Unsuccessful[Obligatory salad-tossing joke]
An anonymous male individual (can't imagine why this stallion would want to remain nameless) took a trip to the emergency room after a particularly gruesome vibrator and salad tongs incident which I'm sure everyone learns during their first day of medical school.
The gentleman in question shoved a vibrator up his rectum, and was to ashamed to go to the emergency room because he's human. Naturally, the next step was to try and correct the problem himself by fishing the vibrator out with his best salad tongs... and failing.
Important question: was he planning on just washing them and still using them moving forward?
After this humiliation, the man finally turned himself over to medical professionals, and they were able to extract both the tongs and the vibrator, for a small fee tens of thousands of painful, life-ruining dollars.
An Entire Cutlery Set. No, Seriously, An Entire SetMargaret Daalman, a Netherlands native (of course,) was admitted to the hospital with searing stomach pains, and her X-ray showed that the problem was probably either a giant squid eating her insides, a sideways Bart Simpson head, a mutated pineapple, a facehugger alien or, rather, an entire set of forks and spoons (nearly 78 utensils total) that she swallowed.
Why did she eat them instead of use them to eat food? Who the f*ck knows, or cares really. I personally am much more interested in that sweet squid X-ray, even though I know it's a lie. But, I guess if you're interested in what is wrong with the woman: the operating surgeons and attending medical professionals on the case theorized that the Daalman was suffering from pica, a disorder that is rare among pregnant women that causes them to crave non food items. Sufferers often consume dirt, metal, trash and, most likely, McDonald's.
An entire. F*cking. Set. Kinda brings a whole new light to "hide the silverware."
30 Magnets Inside an Indiana ChildThe eight year old in question swallowed nearly 30 magnets and other chunks of metal, perhaps with the misconception that they were candy, singlehandedly ruining whatever brand of magnet that was for all the smart kids who know that cold, hard and metal doesn't mean "snack". God only knows why she was drawn to them or why they attracted her.
Magnets attract each other, and are specifically dangerous because their pull can destroy stomach lining, major organs and also ruin blow flow patterns (which, ICP, is how they work.)
The girl was forced to undergo major surgery to remove the magnets, which were all in different stages of digestion.
Her father repeated how shocked he was at the incident: he said his daughter got A's and B's, and that he and her mother had taught her "not to do stuff like this."
SOLUTION TO THIS PROBLEM: Magnet companies, please start making child safety magnets that kids won't eat... by making all your magnets look like vegetables. You're welcome.
A Cement/Enema Mix is Found. Yes, This Happened.People in their early twenties are generally not the best rational decision makers, but this homosexual couple took it to a whole new level.
During a particularly heated moment in their lovemaking, the patient's boyfriend poured enema fluid mixed with concrete mix into his lover's rectum, and the stuff hardened and nearly ruptured some crucial butt-anatomy (which is doctor talk for the stuff in your butt.)
He explained to the admitting doctors that he had laid flat on the ground and lifted his legs up at a 45 degree angle (feel free to try it), and allowed his lover to pour the mix into his rectum through a funnel -- which every self-respecting American has in their sex kit.)
The mass had to be surgically removed, but, luckily, the patient's boyfriend stayed with him through the entire procedure. Love comes in all shapes and sizes, but is maybe not so effective in the form of enema liquid -- especially when it's mixed with concrete mix, that is unless you're building a parking lot.
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