Woman Dies of Allergic Reaction to Having Sex with a Dog
One day, a woman decided to join a beastiality chatroom, like ya do, and in doing so met a German man with a German Shepherd dog, who were both very enthusiastic about having sex with the 43-year-old mother of three.
So, you know, if you're looking to join a beastiality community, that's what you want. Mission accomplished.
After they met up, the faithful, obedient, enthusiastic dog ejaculated in her, like people do during sex. This particular part of the act, though, didn't sit too well with the lady's immune system because it turns out, she was allergic to the dog semen. Who knew? It's not like they test for that.
Kind of a crappy way to find out you're allergic to dog semen, though. That's like going on a Cheese-of-the-Month weekend retreat with a group of friends and then finding out you're lactose intolerant. Bummer, man.
Anyway, the semen killed her after she went into anaphylactic shock.
Security Guard Dies While Masturbating at Work in a Wet Suit, Gasmask
Ralph Santiago, a 31-year-old man who was working his first day as a security guard died on the job. No, he wasn't protecting the order of the general vicinity, like he was hired to do, he was doing what most rational people do on their first day at any job: masterbate while wearing a gas mask, wet suit, and wellington boots while inhaling poppers in both the women's and men's bathroom. On his first day of work. His first day of work.
An important thing to ask yourself: how many people do this, don't die, and get away with it?
An important quote from his wife: he was "prone to dressing up" and "he had fetish."
This man died a true hero to anyone who wants to give a big "f*ck you" to "the man." He will be remembered fondly.
British Nanny Masturbates to Death
A really attractive 30-year-old British woman named Nicola Paginton was found dead in her home after missing a few days of work. Her boss and friends broke into her home to find her bottom half naked, with a sex toy beside her and porn playing on her laptop.
Now, like most reasonable men, I have an agreement with my two closest friends about a situation exactly like this. If they find me dead somewhere, it is their job, as men, to pull my pants back up, delete my Internet history, and hide all the weird ball-gags and crayons I keep around "for fun."
Sadly for her, most women don't have friends that will do this for her.
The cause of death was confirmed to have been fatal cardiac arrhythmia, or just an irregular heartbeat. Her state of absolute arousal was so intense, that it clashed with what was going on in her heart (as porn often does) and killed her dead.
She was a nanny.
Reverend Dies Due to Rubber Fetish Complications
Because of course a reverend did this. An Alabama minister died in October of 2010 hogtied (yes, "hogtied") and wearing two complete wet suits, including a face mask, diving gloves (diving gloves! this sets him apart from that security guard), slippers (because you wouldn't want to walk around barefoot), and of course, a head mask.
All in the name of autoerotic asphyxiation.
Horse Sex in General, I Mean, C'mon.
If you're having sex with a horse, and that's what kills you, you're really doing it wrong. Oh, yes, and also, if you're having sex with a horse, you're also doing it (life) wrong. Either way, we've used horses as a living mode of transportation for centuries and everyone knows the rule of human beings: if it exists, someone will most likely try to f*ck it.
No story of equine love gone wrong is as widely reported or well-known as that of Catherine the Great, who allegedly (according to legend) died while trying to have sex with a horse. While it is often reported that she was crushed to death by the horse because a harness broke, I believe that she was crushed to death, and that that harness broke, because she was trying to have sex with a horse. Now, many historians and believers in "facts" know that this is an urban myth, but I'd be remiss if I didn't mention it.
Now to the true story that everyone knew was going to be on this list:
In Enumclaw, Washington, there was a 45-year-old man who died of acute peritonitis, which means that his colon ruptured while he was having sex with a horse.
Hundreds, yes hundreds, of hours of footage of him and other men having sex with horses were found at his farm, so, you know, they were actually pretty good at it. I mean, hundreds of hours of footage? I haven't clocked hundreds of hours of anything other than work, masturbation, and TV watching.
Well, at least he went out happy.
A Cautionary Tale: Man Dies Getting Roadhead
Who doesn't love roadhead? It's fun, it's exciting, and everyone in the car can get involved. But, as a warning, you should just know that in certain situations, it can be extremely dangerous (read: all situations).
A 23-year-old man was getting roadhead and, in a fit of pleasure (and testament to the young woman administering the oral sex's skill) lost control and crashed into a pole.
The man died instantly on impact, but the female passenger survived and was taken to the hospital with broken legs. She was in the dead man's lap at the time of the crash.
The folks over at Cerebral Diva said it best in that "this is proof... that it is better go 'give' than to 'receive.'"
Old Man Dies After Securing Bargain Price for Sex
Croatian hookers really know how to dole out some killer deals.
An 80-year-old man met up with a prostitute, and then decided to haggle her down to such an insane price for oral sex, that it basically killed him.
This heart-stopping deal was a solid $6.50 for oral sex. You really can't beat that. When oral sex costs less than a Medium #7 value meal at McDonald's, you know you're living in the right country.
So, after the two new business partners went inside an abandoned house, the man took his pants off and then proceeded to suffer from a heart attack.
It sucks that he didn't even get to receive the oral sex. He probably really had his heart set on it.
Man Dies of Heart Attack After Realizing Prostitute is Transsexual
So this just goes to show you, after that bargain-price prostitute story, that if you're older than 50 and your heart is kind of weak, prostitution is not the choice leisure activity for you.
After entering a German brothel, a man who lived over 60 miles away from it was alone with a prostitute named "Priya," who talked to him for 20 minutes before they decided to have sex (no word on whether the prostitutes there charge for conversations, Catcher in the Rye style, in case anyone's shopping around, by the way).
The prostitute started taking off her clothes slowly and the man was sweaty with excitement, waiting for his reward after a long day of work. The 24-year-old prostitute said that as soon as she was completely naked (revealing that she was actually a transsexual), the man became dizzy and collapsed.
The revelation that this woman "was a man, baby" killed the guy, essentially. Or at least it brought him over the edge. The final coroner report said that he died of a heart attack brought on by excessive use of Viagra. Because sometimes, life is hard. *Dodges thrown fruit*
Man Dies Minutes After a 12-Hour Threesome
And in what is probably the greatest death of all time, a young Russian man died after he bet two Russian women that he could have non-stop sex with them both for twelve hours.
First of all, this guy's a BOSS. Closest I've ever come to making something like this happen is betting a girl at a party that she couldn't make out with another girl for 10 seconds without laughing (which, admittedly, is brilliant).
This dude took it to a whole other level, and just to show you that if you do something this awesome, the Universe takes note and ends your life immediately, he died a few after winning the $4,300 bet.
Just to make sure he could win, the guy downed a whole bottle of Viagra pills. This is most likely what killed the guy. Man, if people only knew. Viagra kills, folks.
Man Dies During Sex Stunt Involving a Non-Consenting Tree
This guy took treehugging to a whole new level.
A man named Kevin Kirkland, 44, used some rope handcuffs to tie himself to a tree, but then got accidentally trapped when one of his non-boyscout-standard knots got stuck around his wrists.
The guy apparently got really, really drunk at a friend's house, left at 1AM, and decided to do some drunk arts & crafts. This was his first mistake. What self-respecting man makes rope handcuffs while they're drunk? This guy did, apparently, and he then used them to tie himself naked to a tree.
He got stuck, tried to get free, and in the process cut his own wrists. As he bled out and screamed for help, nobody was around to help him.
Joggers discovered him moaning, limp, and with a small piece of cord tied around his penis.
They put the blanket around him for his dignity, because it's not like this made international news or anything, and then waited for the police who announced him dead on arrival.
The coroner said "it is clear to me that [he] put himself in [a] position he could not get out of..."
Well said, coroner. Well said.
Man Dies While Trying to Sexually Assault an Elderly Woman
Much like what most normal people do on a Thursday, Isabel Chavelo Gutierrez rode two miles on his bicycle to get to the house of a 77-year-old woman he was planning to rape. He got there, and while he was raping this woman, he said "I don't feel very well," and then dropped dead, mid-rape.
While this is never a laughing matter, and is a horrible, horrible occurrence (the rape part), this story is kind of funny, or at the very least incredibly absurd, for three reasons.
1. The man rode his bike. Who the hell rides a bike to a crime? Who the hell rides a bike to a rape? Don't you assume that you're going to be making a fast getaway? Even if you're gonna kill her, at least have the common sense to know you're probably not going to take the "pretty, scenic route" back home. "I think I'll enjoy a nice ride back from my rape. I will have earned it." You're not going to be riding back home, then all of a sudden hit an unexpected, yet pleasant downhill and take your feet off the pedals and just enjoy life on your way back from a rape. I mean, at least take public transportation.
2. He tried to do it at knifepoint. KNIFEPOINT. if you're going to commit such a hateful act, at least have the common decency to use a car and a gun.
3. His last words were "I'm not feeling well". I'M NOT FEELING WELL. That's probably the most polite, proper way to alert someone of your state of well-being, if you're about to die. I don't imagine this guy is terribly intelligent, successful, or even well-read. But the concept of him being this polite while raping a woman is just absurd. What did he expect, her to turn around and say "Oh, that's too bad, would you like some tea? Maybe a hot towel?"
This whole story is absolutely insane. And definitely a deserved, yet interesting and overall pretty intense pervert death.
A Bear Owner Chokes to Death on a Dildo
This is DEFINITELY not the headline you want associated with your death. Whatever you do, at all costs, make sure that this isn't the headline that people use to identify what happened to you at the time of your death. This is a horrible thing to happen to someone (publicly).
I mean sure, this 49-year-old Ohio man did this of his own accord, and nobody is being prosecuted for assisting in his death, so it really kind of was his fault, but still. Nobody deserves to have this headline.
"Man chokes to death on sex toy."
George W. Bush choking on pretzels was bad enough.
So, Sam Mozzola of Cleveland Ohio (an exotic animal owner whose pet bear mauled a woman to death a year before he choked on the dildo) decided that he wanted to be bound to his bed with handcuffs, padlocks, chains, a gimp mask (those things with the zipper-mouths and Mexican wrestling style eye holes). He was also wearing a metal sphere that covered his whole head.
So, apparently, part of this entire outfit was a sex toy that would go near his mouth.
He choked to death on this sex toy, which got lodged in his throat.
How the hell do you even... what... why would you even?... let's move on.
Man Dies After Hardcore S&M Session with Famed Dominatrix
A British motor racing chief died after having intense sex with a woman who prides herself as "Europe's most perverted dominatrix," which sounds terrifying enough if you've never seen a Saw or a Naked Gun movie.
After this 58-year-old man entered Mistress Lucrezia's sex dungeon, he was found in a shower cubicle, completely bound and gagged, and wearing a gimp mask, unconscious.
After attempts to revive him failed, the police were called and no one was prosecuted.
In case you're looking for a good time in Europe, Torment Towers is the place where he went. This is a place where, according to DailyMail, "dominatrixes [dominatrices?] charge £250 an hour - or £4,000 for three days - to inflict 'extreme pain,' 'humiliation,' and 'torture' on clients using ropes, leather, and rubber." You're welcome.
The man most likely died of asphyxiation due to the ball gag.
Man Kills Wife During Kinky Electrical Sexplay
There's nothing - NOTHING - wrong with getting a little kinky, but Toby Taylor and his 27-year-old wife, Kirsten, took things a little too far.
During a session of electro-shock sex, Mr. Taylor exposed the wire's of his wife's hairdryer and proceeded to use them to shock her on her nipples. The electrical current was great enough to fully electrocute Mrs. Taylor after which he called 911 and blamed the incident wholly on the hairdryer.
In 2009, the year after his wife was killed, Toby was convicted of third degree murder after it was determined his recounting of the incident did not match the facts surrounding his wife's death AND the discovery that he had tortured a past girlfriend in a similar way for talking to other men.
So death by nipple shock...that's another way to go...
21-Year-Old Prostitute Proves Too Hot To Handle
On the perverted side of things, there have been worse occurrences than the one that led to 52-year-old Robert Giles' death, but not many so embarrassing. A tourist in the Philippines, Giles succumbed to cardiac arrest after he got too excited TAKING PICTURES of a young prostitute. Pictures. It's like paying for the filet mignon and choking on your own drool looking at it.
Soccer Star And Girlfriend Asphyxiated During Car Sex
Soccer player Mario Bugeanu and his girlfriend died in their car. Not in a car accident; not in a murder/suicide; in a case of asphyxiation...because they forgot to turn off the car.
The duo was so fired up upon arriving back to their home in Bucharest, Hungary that they forgot to turn off the engine of the car they were having sex in and died of carbon monoxide poisoning.
Neo-Nazi Fantasy Leads To Real Death
38-year-old Simon Burley just wanted his girlfriend to play hangman in his Neo-Nazi fantasy. Unfortunately for him, the noose he tied was REALLY TIGHT and the knife he gave her to cut him down was REALLY DULL. And he died.
Couple Dies After The Car They're Having Sex In Rolls Into A River
34-year-old Anita Harold and her 30-year-old partner, Richard Lang, were flooded with emotion (literally) when the Rover they were having sex in rolled into a lake resulting in their deaths.
Now, the situation around this one is a little dicey since police investigating the case COULD NOT- after several attempts - replicate any situation that would have resulted in the car finding its way into the lake without it being pushed. So either Harold & Kang were rockin' that Rover like there was no tomorrow (and clearly, for them, there wasn't), or someone shoved that movable sex shack into the deep.
They Were Making Beautiful Music Together...Until It Killed Them
The Condor Club in San Francisco, CA is notorious for two very particular firsts: being the first topless bar and being the site of perhaps the world's first death by baby grand piano (not involving an Acme brand and/or the Wile E Coyote).
The club's bouncer, Jimmy Ferrozzo, and his girlfriend, a dancer at the club, were having sex on the club's baby grand piano when one of the "heightened" the experience by accidentally engaging the hydraulics that allowed the instrument to be raised and lowered to the floor for dramatic effect. Ferrozzo was crushed to death in the incident while his girlfriend was left pinned underneath him for hours until the janitor arrived the next morning.
BONUS: Boy Dies After Masturbating 42 Times in a Row (Maybe)
A young boy allegedly died after masturbating 42 times in a row. There's no reputable source for this, but there is a foreign article that looks sketchy on it. This is why this isn't a "real" item on this list.
But apparently, the 16-year-old boy (according to this questionable news source) masturbated 42 times in a row, which killed him due to uncertain circumstances.
They found 17 million videos and 600 photos (all porn) on his computer. None of this seems possible. Maybe this is a foreign The Onion, or maybe this is all true and the guy was just trying to make some realistic headway with all the material he had.
Either way, I'm going to file this under "I want to believe." I am Mulder and this story is my Roswell.