Woman Dies of Allergic Reaction to Having Sex with a Dog
One day, a woman decided to join a beastiality chatroom, like ya do, and in doing so met a German man with a German Shepherd dog, who were both very enthusiastic about having sex with the 43-year-old mother of three.
So, you know, if you're looking to join a beastiality community, that's what you want. Mission accomplished.
After they met up, the faithful, obedient, enthusiastic dog ejaculated in her, like people do during sex. This particular part of the act, though, didn't sit too well with the lady's immune system because it turns out, she was allergic to the dog semen. Who knew? It's not like they test for that.
Kind of a crappy way to find out you're allergic to dog semen, though. That's like going on a Cheese-of-the-Month weekend retreat with a group of friends and then finding out you're lactose intolerant. Bummer, man.
Anyway, the semen killed her after she went into anaphylactic shock.
Security Guard Dies While Masturbating at Work in a Wet Suit, Gasmask
Ralph Santiago, a 31-year-old man who was working his first day as a security guard died on the job. No, he wasn't protecting the order of the general vicinity, like he was hired to do, he was doing what most rational people do on their first day at any job: masterbate while wearing a gas mask, wet suit, and wellington boots while inhaling poppers in both the women's and men's bathroom. On his first day of work. His first day of work.
An important thing to ask yourself: how many people do this, don't die, and get away with it?
An important quote from his wife: he was "prone to dressing up" and "he had fetish."
This man died a true hero to anyone who wants to give a big "f*ck you" to "the man." He will be remembered fondly.
British Nanny Masturbates to Death
A really attractive 30-year-old British woman named Nicola Paginton was found dead in her home after missing a few days of work. Her boss and friends broke into her home to find her bottom half naked, with a sex toy beside her and porn playing on her laptop.
Now, like most reasonable men, I have an agreement with my two closest friends about a situation exactly like this. If they find me dead somewhere, it is their job, as men, to pull my pants back up, delete my Internet history, and hide all the weird ball-gags and crayons I keep around "for fun."
Sadly for her, most women don't have friends that will do this for her.
The cause of death was confirmed to have been fatal cardiac arrhythmia, or just an irregular heartbeat. Her state of absolute arousal was so intense, that it clashed with what was going on in her heart (as porn often does) and killed her dead.
She was a nanny.
Reverend Dies Due to Rubber Fetish Complications
Because of course a reverend did this. An Alabama minister died in October of 2010 hogtied (yes, "hogtied") and wearing two complete wet suits, including a face mask, diving gloves (diving gloves! this sets him apart from that security guard), slippers (because you wouldn't want to walk around barefoot), and of course, a head mask.
All in the name of autoerotic asphyxiation.
Horse Sex in General, I Mean, C'mon.
If you're having sex with a horse, and that's what kills you, you're really doing it wrong. Oh, yes, and also, if you're having sex with a horse, you're also doing it (life) wrong. Either way, we've used horses as a living mode of transportation for centuries and everyone knows the rule of human beings: if it exists, someone will most likely try to f*ck it.
No story of equine love gone wrong is as widely reported or well-known as that of Catherine the Great, who allegedly (according to legend) died while trying to have sex with a horse. While it is often reported that she was crushed to death by the horse because a harness broke, I believe that she was crushed to death, and that that harness broke, because she was trying to have sex with a horse. Now, many historians and believers in "facts" know that this is an urban myth, but I'd be remiss if I didn't mention it.
Now to the true story that everyone knew was going to be on this list:
In Enumclaw, Washington, there was a 45-year-old man who died of acute peritonitis, which means that his colon ruptured while he was having sex with a horse.
Hundreds, yes hundreds, of hours of footage of him and other men having sex with horses were found at his farm, so, you know, they were actually pretty good at it. I mean, hundreds of hours of footage? I haven't clocked hundreds of hours of anything other than work, masturbation, and TV watching.
Well, at least he went out happy.
A Cautionary Tale: Man Dies Getting Roadhead
Who doesn't love roadhead? It's fun, it's exciting, and everyone in the car can get involved. But, as a warning, you should just know that in certain situations, it can be extremely dangerous (read: all situations).
A 23-year-old man was getting roadhead and, in a fit of pleasure (and testament to the young woman administering the oral sex's skill) lost control and crashed into a pole.
The man died instantly on impact, but the female passenger survived and was taken to the hospital with broken legs. She was in the dead man's lap at the time of the crash.
The folks over at Cerebral Diva said it best in that "this is proof... that it is better go 'give' than to 'receive.'"
Old Man Dies After Securing Bargain Price for Sex
Croatian hookers really know how to dole out some killer deals.
An 80-year-old man met up with a prostitute, and then decided to haggle her down to such an insane price for oral sex, that it basically killed him.
This heart-stopping deal was a solid $6.50 for oral sex. You really can't beat that. When oral sex costs less than a Medium #7 value meal at McDonald's, you know you're living in the right country.
So, after the two new business partners went inside an abandoned house, the man took his pants off and then proceeded to suffer from a heart attack.
It sucks that he didn't even get to receive the oral sex. He probably really had his heart set on it.
Man Dies of Heart Attack After Realizing Prostitute is Transsexual
So this just goes to show you, after that bargain-price prostitute story, that if you're older than 50 and your heart is kind of weak, prostitution is not the choice leisure activity for you.
After entering a German brothel, a man who lived over 60 miles away from it was alone with a prostitute named "Priya," who talked to him for 20 minutes before they decided to have sex (no word on whether the prostitutes there charge for conversations, Catcher in the Rye style, in case anyone's shopping around, by the way).
The prostitute started taking off her clothes slowly and the man was sweaty with excitement, waiting for his reward after a long day of work. The 24-year-old prostitute said that as soon as she was completely naked (revealing that she was actually a transsexual), the man became dizzy and collapsed.
The revelation that this woman "was a man, baby" killed the guy, essentially. Or at least it brought him over the edge. The final coroner report said that he died of a heart attack brought on by excessive use of Viagra. Because sometimes, life is hard. *Dodges thrown fruit*
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