Being Gary Busey's Personal Assistant
On the hilarious podcast Frotcast, Vince from FilmDrunk and a man named Brian Massingill talk about Massingill's time as Gary Busey's personal assistant. And it is glorious. Here are some gems from what it's like to actually work close with the myth, the legend.
One story that comes out of this moment in Busey history is what it's like to see Busey watching TV at all hours of the night sitting "Indian style", not to mention Busey once yelling to Massingill (after being told he needed to get to set) "I will rip our your spleen and eat it like a banana!".
"We were out at a local bar/restaurant and Gary had been sober for years... he got a hot dog. So our Producer comes out and starts joking around with Gary. The talent [the lead in the movie] starts wrestling around with Gary and that's something you really don't wan to do. And Gary then punches him in the face... This is to the star of our movie.
The other producers are freaking out and trying to figure out how we can get him to a hospital or a 24-hour dentist to get this fixed.
We put Gary to bed that first night."
So that was one part of working with Gary Busey, aside from inadvertently seeing his penis while waiting for him to wake up a bunch of times. But then the following happens.
"One night we went into Austin [Texas]... we put Gary to bed again. I leave him a bunch of Post-It notes everywhere for numbers and things he needs to remember and for some reason one of the things I decided to write down was my parents' home phone number, which I accidentally left by Gary. So at about 2:30 in the morning, he calls my mom 'Brian? Where's Brian'... 'Who is this?' 'This is Gary Busey, I need Brian'. [He gets the right number, finally] and calls me up and says 'Brian. You left that t-shirt and mug in Austin, you need to go back and get that t-shirt and mug.'"
The t-shirt and mug were in Brian's car. And everything was fine. Just a taste of what it's like to work closely with one Mr. Gary Busey.
He's a "very spiritual guy" and so he'd always walk around set saying "PYG, PYG, thank you God". He also asks people to mute commercials at crowded bars, due to his fear/aversion to commercials in general.
Gary Busey Designs a Sex Toy
Gary Busey is really concerned with your sexual satisfaction and well-being. So concerned, in fact, that he devoted a whole episode of "The Busey Zone" (his YouTube web series) to informing his viewers of the sexual benefits of a conveyance generally associated with a drunk afternoon on the river.
Busey's suggestion for an easy homemade sex toy is to transform an inner tube into a floating sex toy that provides the user with both camouflage and pleasure so that you can enjoy a dip in the river whilst you dip your member into something else entirely.
The contraption is an inner tube with a hole cut in it so you can thrust into a section of rubber tubing from under water. He describes the whole experience as "a way to use an inner tube romantically", though this type of stick-and-thrust contraption leaves no room for "romance" (unless, I suppose, you feed yourself chocolate in between humping a piece of dirty, floating rubber).
Now, ladies, don’t think Busey forgot about you. He describes a way to convert his sex toy flotilla into a pleasure device for the ladies by making the same hole and attaching a battery-powered sex toy so that it protrudes into the water and, well, you. Busey seems positively elated about the potential the device holds for women. Says the semi-coherent one about the device’s primary benefit: “The good thing about [it] is…you won’t get pregnant. The inner tube won’t get pregnant. Nor will the woman…nor will the woman”.
If you're really interested in the particulars on crafting this device, the video is pretty self-explanatory. Probably the best thing about the instructions, though, is the part where Busey explains what the tubing/hole should look like. Rather than draw a diagram, he takes it upon himself to demonstrate.
Society owes you a huge debt of gratitude, Mr. Busey.
Gary Busey Gets Weird on Letterman
As a guest on "Late Night" in 1990, Gary Busey told what might be the longest story I've ever heard about barnyard rape. The backstory is that, as a teenager, he worked on a farm that had some female pigs and a goat named Charlie. The spoiler is that Busey says this line:
Gary! Charlie's penetratin' the girls!He also mimes quite a bit of the story, and does sound effects. Behavior of a drug-addled maniac, or mark of a theatrical genius? You be the judge.
I don't know if there's any zygotes that come out of this or not, or embryonic gestures of an extroplanetory animals - but the goat was on and off instantly, and the girls didn't even know he was there!As Letterman says - because there's nothing else to say, "No, I know. I know."
Gary Busey Gets in a Fist Fight Over the Design of Heaven
In late March of 2012, the story that inspired this list broke in an AV Club interview with Curtis Armstrong -- a man most of us know as Booger from Revenge of the Nerds, or as the voice of Snot from American Dad! for all the kids out there. He had, at some point, starred in a movie with Busey called Quigley, in which Gary Busey is reincarnated as a dog who comes back to the land of the living to right all the wrongs he'd done as a human being (a premise that only Busey would say yes to -- well him and Tim Allen... and Rob Schneider... alright moving on).
Embedded above is the trailer for Quigley, a hallmark of modern film, starring the two. Why anyone would agree to do this is beyond me, but there you have it. These two did a movie together. Curtis Armstrong is a smart man, though, he knew what he was doing and that it was funny.
Gary Busey, on the other hand, takes everything to the next level of serious. Here's Curtis Armstrong's re-telling of a story that happened because Gary Busey actually believes that he's been to Heaven after being in an accident where he died and came back to life.
We were shooting this movie—which is a horrible movie—and [Gary Busey] was supposed to come back from the dead. And he of course, Gary Busey, supposedly had done this—he’d been in an accident and died and came back. He showed up on a set made to look like Heaven, and he looked around and said, "I can’t play this scene." They were three days behind at this point. But Busey said, "It’s nothing like this. I’ve been to Heaven and it doesn’t look like this. That sofa’s all wrong. That mirror is ridiculous. They don’t even have mirrors!" It was ridiculous. He was completely nuts about the design of Heaven.
But then on top of it, one of the guys playing an angel, had also died and come back. And this guy got into an argument with Busey about the way Heaven looked! The two of them wound up coming to blows and they had to send everybody home. So there you go. That’s what we were working with.
So there you have it. A fist fight over the couches in Heaven.
Heaven has a certain look. And it sure as hell doesn't just have couches laying around like it's some kind of god damned dump. It's Heaven. You don't know what that looks like for a fact? Get your head out of your ass.
Source (thank you FilmDrunk)
Gary Busey Goes Nuts on Fan At an Autograph Signing
At an autograph signing, Gary Busey misspelled a man's name when making an autograph out to him. The man in question, who paid $30 for the autograph, tried to correct him, with ridiculous consequences.
The following is a recreation of (almost) exactly what happened. I can imagine him saying all of this.
Gary Busey Kicks Lead Actor of Piranha 3D in the Stomach
The Gary Busey scholars over at Filmdrunk uncovered this one while listening to an episode of Doug Benson's podcast "Doug Loves Movies with Paul Scheer" (The League, 30 Rock and Human Giant).
Paul Scheer describes the Busey incident in detail, the setting being his first day on set of Piranha 3D.
"I was in a movie that Gary Busey was in, and I talked to the lead actor, and I was like, what was it like working with Gary Busey? And he goes, 'He kicked me in the stomach!'
And I said, 'What do you mean?' And he says, 'Well I came on set,' — and he's the lead of the movie — 'I came on set and I introduced myself to him, and he goes 'Get outta here with that bullsh*t!' And he kicked me in the stomach. And then he said 'Get that guy off the set!' And they did! They got him off the set! The lead actor, they dragged him off the set."
So next time you introduce yourself to Gary Busey, please be careful as to where you position your stomach around him. He probably thinks that it's trying to attack him and probably has a really elaborate acronym for "STOMACH", but more on that later.
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