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Gary Busey Takes on The ApprenticevHas someone ever asked you a direct question you didn't want to answer? Take a cue from the Gary Busey Book of Conflict Avoidance: just answer a different question. Or say something that doesn't make sense. Anything, really. If you're Gary Busey, he'll let it slide - even if the inquisitor is an egomaniac like Donald Trump. On "The Celebrity Apprentice" in 2011:
TRUMP - Gary, who is your best team member?Did you know that Lil Jon is an antagonist in Gary Busey's heart? I might like that job. And, of course, another acronym for good measure:
BUSEY - All of them.
TRUMP - Did you catch a cold outside or something?
BUSEY - No, I played the part of a pepperoni prophet.
TRUMP - What could your team have done better?
BUSEY - What we could have done better was everything we did on the day of the task.
TRUMP - What does that mean?
BUSEY - That means we did better.
LUCKY - "Living Under Correct Knowledge Yearly"Ivanka Trump might be the only person who can get away with asking, "How do you come up with this stu-hu-ha-ha-huff?"
Gary Busey's Motivational SpeechesvPerhaps the craziest thing about Gary Busey is that every once in a while, he kind of makes sense. After all, Gary Busey doesn't give a sh*t what other people think about him, so why should you? The next time you're having a bad day, feeling down in the dumps, or need a good mirthful laugh, heed his words:
This is the sail on your boat of life. The ocean is a spirit. The ocean is your imagination. The ocean is your power. The ocean is your emotion. The sail on the boat is the Golden Rule. The wind that catches the sail and pushes the boat into a lovely sunset of tropical design with the double rainbow... That wind is your spirit.I'm painting that on the wall in my future kid's room. I am.
You're in a boat. You choose the color of the boat.
It's great to be alive.
Yeah, yeah that's good. Remember that.
Gary Busey Gets Weird on LettermanvAs a guest on "Late Night" in 1990, Gary Busey told what might be the longest story I've ever heard about barnyard rape. The backstory is that, as a teenager, he worked on a farm that had some female pigs and a goat named Charlie. The spoiler is that Busey says this line:
Gary! Charlie's penetratin' the girls!He also mimes quite a bit of the story, and does sound effects. Behavior of a drug-addled maniac, or mark of a theatrical genius? You be the judge.
I don't know if there's any zygotes that come out of this or not, or embryonic gestures of an extroplanetory animals - but the goat was on and off instantly, and the girls didn't even know he was there!As Letterman says - because there's nothing else to say, "No, I know. I know."
Being Gary Busey's Personal AssistantOn the hilarious podcast Frotcast, Vince from FilmDrunk and a man named Brian Massingill talk about Massingill's time as Gary Busey's personal assistant. And it is glorious. Here are some gems from what it's like to actually work close with the myth, the legend.
One story that comes out of this moment in Busey history is what it's like to see Busey watching TV at all hours of the night sitting "Indian style", not to mention Busey once yelling to Massingill (after being told he needed to get to set) "I will rip our your spleen and eat it like a banana!".
"We were out at a local bar/restaurant and Gary had been sober for years... he got a hot dog. So our Producer comes out and starts joking around with Gary. The talent [the lead in the movie] starts wrestling around with Gary and that's something you really don't wan to do. And Gary then punches him in the face... This is to the star of our movie.
The other producers are freaking out and trying to figure out how we can get him to a hospital or a 24-hour dentist to get this fixed.
We put Gary to bed that first night."
So that was one part of working with Gary Busey, aside from inadvertently seeing his penis while waiting for him to wake up a bunch of times. But then the following happens.
"One night we went into Austin [Texas]... we put Gary to bed again. I leave him a bunch of Post-It notes everywhere for numbers and things he needs to remember and for some reason one of the things I decided to write down was my parents' home phone number, which I accidentally left by Gary. So at about 2:30 in the morning, he calls my mom 'Brian? Where's Brian'... 'Who is this?' 'This is Gary Busey, I need Brian'. [He gets the right number, finally] and calls me up and says 'Brian. You left that t-shirt and mug in Austin, you need to go back and get that t-shirt and mug.'"
The t-shirt and mug were in Brian's car. And everything was fine. Just a taste of what it's like to work closely with one Mr. Gary Busey.
He's a "very spiritual guy" and so he'd always walk around set saying "PYG, PYG, thank you God". He also asks people to mute commercials at crowded bars, due to his fear/aversion to commercials in general.
Gary Busey LaughsvThis is an advertisement for the 2009 video game Saints Row 2. It is also the setting and soundtrack of your next nightmare.
Gary Busey Designs a Sex ToyGary Busey is really concerned with your sexual satisfaction and well-being. So concerned, in fact, that he devoted a whole episode of "The Busey Zone" (his YouTube web series) to informing his viewers of the sexual benefits of a conveyance generally associated with a drunk afternoon on the river.
Busey's suggestion for an easy homemade sex toy is to transform an inner tube into a floating sex toy that provides the user with both camouflage and pleasure so that you can enjoy a dip in the river whilst you dip your member into something else entirely.
The contraption is an inner tube with a hole cut in it so you can thrust into a section of rubber tubing from under water. He describes the whole experience as "a way to use an inner tube romantically", though this type of stick-and-thrust contraption leaves no room for "romance" (unless, I suppose, you feed yourself chocolate in between humping a piece of dirty, floating rubber).
Now, ladies, don’t think Busey forgot about you. He describes a way to convert his sex toy flotilla into a pleasure device for the ladies by making the same hole and attaching a battery-powered sex toy so that it protrudes into the water and, well, you. Busey seems positively elated about the potential the device holds for women. Says the semi-coherent one about the device’s primary benefit: “The good thing about [it] is…you won’t get pregnant. The inner tube won’t get pregnant. Nor will the woman…nor will the woman”.
If you're really interested in the particulars on crafting this device, the video is pretty self-explanatory. Probably the best thing about the instructions, though, is the part where Busey explains what the tubing/hole should look like. Rather than draw a diagram, he takes it upon himself to demonstrate.
Society owes you a huge debt of gratitude, Mr. Busey.