The 13 Creepiest Christian Education Videos for Kids

First of all, anything that's marketed by the clergy to kids containing the words "on the inside" probably isn't in the best taste.

And of course, the video begins with an adorable child wanting to visit with the ridiculous clown, sitting randomly on a porch somewhere.

His mother reluctantly agrees, unfortunately for everyone who has to sit through this video.

Of course, she does not even consider that perhaps the clown is hoping to prey on the soul (or worse) of her son, since, after all, clowns randomly sit on porches all the time. The clown laments that he (she?) is just not feeling very happy on the inside. The child and the clown pray together to remedy the situation, and all is well... until suddenly the clown feels better!

So take it from here, kids, if you don't pray you're going to give muscle cancer to soul-eating clowns.

Remember that time when the soul of a popular Gospel singer got lost in the afterlife and was transported into the body of a panda(?) with the eyes of a killer who sings next to an African American looking puppet, while each of them sit higher than the real life African American man? So do I.

This strange panda is singing lyrics provided by the Bible. The panda is in a lot of the frames of the video with an unidentified African American guy (perhaps Samuel Liddle who apparently did the music?) and some other random puppet. Where are they sitting? Why are they there? Is the panda even really singing, or doing an Ashlee Simpson tribute lip synch? So many unanswered questions, so little time.

Either way, the fact that this was created, ostensibly, with the purpose of coming into the homes of Christians and filling them with the hope, joy and pride that comes along with faith is preposterous.

This guy with the Stepford Wife purple shirt seems to have also painted his house the same color. He and his pet puppet also have some pretty sweet names: Troundle and Mr. Quiggley. Such names only exist in fairy tales, bible stories and euphemisms for genitals.

So, the video starts off with the aphorism "If we love God, we will obey what he says."

What's great about this video is the fact that most of these videos are designed to do one thing: to teach kids to just blindly OBEY; but this one just goes ahead and shamelessly says it. No Bells & Whistles, just a song about obeying. Hats off to this video (unless it says otherwise).

I suppose this makes sense, though. It's even in the bible, given that whole Abraham almost killing his son because God told him to thing.

The puppet in the video makes it clear that he does not want to be a hypocrite, because they are not "hip with it."

First, of all, they're teaching kids the word "Hyprocite" before explaining to them what it means.

He does, however, want to be a sheep ("Obeeeeeeeeyyy").

What does this mean? Why on earth would a nice, unassuming puppet such as himself want to be a sheep? Because Christians have this thing about being sheep in the Lord's flock, and the Lord being thy shepherd and all that. That's where the whole "obey" thing comes in.

But a Terrence & Philip looking puppet telling people that, with the confusing juxtaposition of a REAL SHEEP in the background? That's just kind of... yeah.

Good thing the Lord is always there to help you when your annoying sister Grace "cramps your style" by following you around all the time. Manny was ready to just turn around and the slap the s**t out of a bitch, when his "invisible helper" said "maybe Grace is lonely today and just needs someone to play with her."

Manny, of course, makes it clear that he thinks LOVE IS YUCK and that his sister WON'T GET ANY KISSES from him, but offers to play "catch or checkers or something" with her. As it turns out, he really enjoys spending time with his sister. Interesting how quickly he can go from wanting to beat her ass to playing "catch or checkers or something" with her. Que Bonita.

The creepiest part of the whole thing is how when someone's being a jerk to you, one should assume that they "just probably want to play". This doesn't translate too well into adult life. Jesus, it doesn't even translate well into childhood, if movies have taught us anything.