The 13 Creepiest Christian Education Videos for Kids By Rachel Stewart [15 more lists]

Religious videos can be amusing for those who aren't necessarily believers, but these 13 videos are probably funny (and creepy) no matter what faith you follow. From the demon-looking clown in pain, to the Tropicana parrot instructing children to "obey", to the puppet show all about wanting to be a "sheep" and not a "hypocrite," these are some pretty creepy, albeit objectively hilarious tactics. Consider these videos next time you want to start a cult!

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1

Christian Clown: Feel Happy on the Inside

First of all, anything that's marketed by the clergy to kids containing the words "on the inside" probably isn't in the best taste.

And of course, the video begins with an adorable child wanting to visit with the ridiculous clown, sitting randomly on a porch somewhere.

His mother reluctantly agrees, unfortunately for everyone who has to sit through this video.

Of course, she does not even consider that perhaps the clown is hoping to prey on the soul (or worse) of her son, since, after all, clowns randomly sit on porches all the time. The clown laments that he (she?) is just not feeling very happy on the inside. The child and the clown pray together to remedy the situation, and all is well... until suddenly the clown feels better!

So take it from here, kids, if you don't pray you're going to give muscle cancer to soul-eating clowns.
2

"How Lovely are Thy Dwelling"

Remember that time when the soul of a popular Gospel singer got lost in the afterlife and was transported into the body of a panda(?) with the eyes of a killer who sings next to an African American looking puppet, while each of them sit higher than the real life African American man? So do I.

This strange panda is singing lyrics provided by the Bible. The panda is in a lot of the frames of the video with an unidentified African American guy (perhaps Samuel Liddle who apparently did the music?) and some other random puppet. Where are they sitting? Why are they there? Is the panda even really singing, or doing an Ashlee Simpson tribute lip synch? So many unanswered questions, so little time.

Either way, the fact that this was created, ostensibly, with the purpose of coming into the homes of Christians and filling them with the hope, joy and pride that comes along with faith is preposterous.
3

LET'S OBEY!!!!

This guy with the Stepford Wife purple shirt seems to have also painted his house the same color. He and his pet puppet also have some pretty sweet names: Troundle and Mr. Quiggley. Such names only exist in fairy tales, bible stories and euphemisms for genitals.

So, the video starts off with the aphorism "If we love God, we will obey what he says."

What's great about this video is the fact that most of these videos are designed to do one thing: to teach kids to just blindly OBEY; but this one just goes ahead and shamelessly says it. No Bells & Whistles, just a song about obeying. Hats off to this video (unless it says otherwise).

I suppose this makes sense, though. It's even in the bible, given that whole Abraham almost killing his son because God told him to thing.
4

I JUST WANT TO BE A SHEEP

The puppet in the video makes it clear that he does not want to be a hypocrite, because they are not "hip with it."

First, of all, they're teaching kids the word "Hyprocite" before explaining to them what it means.

He does, however, want to be a sheep ("Obeeeeeeeeyyy").

What does this mean? Why on earth would a nice, unassuming puppet such as himself want to be a sheep? Because Christians have this thing about being sheep in the Lord's flock, and the Lord being thy shepherd and all that. That's where the whole "obey" thing comes in.

But a Terrence & Philip looking puppet telling people that, with the confusing juxtaposition of a REAL SHEEP in the background? That's just kind of... yeah.
5

Manny: The Angry Hispanic Christian Puppet

Good thing the Lord is always there to help you when your annoying sister Grace ""cramps your style"" by following you around all the time. Manny was ready to just turn around and the slap the s**t out of a bitch, when his ""invisible helper"" said ""maybe Grace is lonely today and just needs someone to play with her.""

Manny, of course, makes it clear that he thinks LOVE IS YUCK and that his sister WON'T GET ANY KISSES from him, but offers to play ""catch or checkers or something"" with her. As it turns out, he really enjoys spending time with his sister. Interesting how quickly he can go from wanting to beat her ass to playing ""catch or checkers or something"" with her. Que Bonita.

The creepiest part of the whole thing is how when someone's being a jerk to you, one should assume that they ""just probably want to play"". This doesn't translate too well into adult life. Jesus, it doesn't even translate well into childhood, if movies have taught us anything.
6

Circle Square

The girl in the red sweater and matching bow assures us that God is there to help us through anything we do, and that there is no excuse for "not trying." Perhaps the creators of this program were "not trying" to be creepy, but somehow, they succeeded.

Maybe it's the unnecessarily uncomfortable amount of time the camera stays on the young girls and boys. Maybe it's the fact that the camera, ominously, creeps closer and closer to them while they're singing, or maybe it's the cold, serene stare coming back at you from the children themselves, but either way, there's something horribly unsettling about this program in general.
7

No Sex Before Marriage Because Puppet Says So

Wait for it... wait for it. Wait for it....

First off, let's consider the absurdity of taking sex advice from a puppet with his hat on sideways.

Luckily, a random black guy agrees with the puppet's views a little more than half way through the video, so his opinion must be legitimate. After "rapping" about the importance of abstinence (really? are we still in the "rapping" phase of communication with children?), the puppet turns his head all the way around to face the chair.

After that, cue music and heavy breathing, which, seems to be someone pleasuring themselves while watching a blank television screen.

After a convenient few seconds of confusion, the address of a Christian education program comes on the screen. Is this where we can find the creepy person that's breathing? Visit the address to find out!
8

Christians are HIP and WE HAVE A PUNK MONKEY TO PROVE IT

This man has offers his pet monkey a LUSCIOUS YELLOW BANANA if he behaves well...but if he misbehaves....WELL THEN HE GETS A HAIRCUT!!! This seems like a backwards punishment/reward system.

The monkey doesn't even really look like he has that much hair.

Additionally, the interview with the kid in the wheel chair is pretty contrived, Christ, the questionable Christian talk show host creepily asks the kid if he can look at his medals.

Doesn't seem like he has much of a choice, considering that the talk show host has them captive in his hands before the kid even arrives. Everyone in the audience looks mildly mortified, and with good reason.
9

Dating for Squares..ermm Christians

So according to this dating expert, one of the best ways to get chicks is to accuse them of being in a motorcycle gang .

He makes it clear that the point of flirting is to make her FEEL JUST LIKE THE LITTLE SISTER TO YOUR BIG BROTHER!! BE SURE YOU SEEM "CHILL AND RELAXED" WHILE YOU PURSUE THIS INCESTUOUS AND CREEPY BOND WITH THIS RANDOM ASS GIRL.

Of course, also keep in mind that if you're in a Church environment, it's pretty "chill" and "relaxed" any way. Perfect for you to approach girls with all your newly found skillzzzzz and then treat them like your sister.
10

Christian Monkey Speaks for Himself!!

Maybe this is why Creationists can't seem to grasp the concept of evolution. They're fed so many puppet monkeys as children that the very thought of these being actual animals just seems absurd.

This monkey's name is Greg, or at least that's what he claims. Aside from that this quite obviously anti-evolution monkey tells the kids "you are not animals, you're human beings! You are fearfully [WTF?] and wonderfully made... You. Made by God."

The monkey then goes on to act like he just learned this "fact" along with the children. Where is Bill Nye when you need him?
11

Pat Robertson is DEEPLY TROUBLED...SO JOIN THE CHRISTIAN COALITION

Pat Robertson is ""deeply troubled"" that America is slipping away from its origins and the ways of our ""forefathers."" According to him, this nation was founded by deeply Christian people who wanted to make America a ""city on the hill"" for all to admire.

Well, for a little reality check, let's go over the facts. First off, America was founded by settlers from Europe trying to avoid religious persecution (http://www.loc.gov/exhibits/religion/rel01.html).

Something tells me that these people would not be too concerned about the religious goings on of others, Especially given the fact that they were treated horribly because of their religion.

Additionally, the founding fathers weren't exactly pillars of morality. Thomas Jefferson had several illegitimate children with his slaves, and that whole George Washington and the cherry tree story is, well, fake.

Americans are the same now as they were then, corrupt motherf*ckers with a lot of great ideas about equality (except for that whole forefathers owning slaves thing).

BONUS: was that a still of blurred out child p*********y among the flashes in the intro? Jesus Christ, Pat Robertson.
12

Environmentalism is SEDUCING YOUR KIDS

In the first few seconds of this video, the speaker dubs radical environmentalism as "the green dragon."

She goes on to say that "the green dragon" is seducing children in schools, and pulling them away from good Christian values.

The narrator also denounces the green dragon's "lust for power" and its deadly effect on the "gospel of Jesus Christ."

Another speaker says that environmentalism is its own religion.

Seems like both speakers throw out a lot of claims, with little reason or background information. How very unlike the religious right. Hmmm...
13

Circle Square: SMILE YOU'RE CHRISTIAN!!

CIRCLE SQUARE: ROUND 2

These good spirited children ask, "what does complaining get you?"

Well, for one thing, complaining makes you feel better. Complaining also alerts the people around you to a problem. For instance, we could all complain that this video is strange, for a number of reasons. First, it makes no sense. Complaining can be good in small doses, and frankly, when you're in the mood to complain, pretending to smile only makes it worse.

Additionally, what's with the long eye contact sequences with individual singers...it feels cultish. But really, after this video, I really need to go listen to The Polyphonic Spree now.