Katt Monroe (Starfox 64)So you're playing through Starfox 64, and you aren't a total newbie, so you followed Falco on Corneria and decimated the armada at Sector Y. This means that after you deal with the clam-bake on Aquas, you'll end up in Zoness and . . .
Wait! What's that?
Theme music? What the hell . . .
But it's so catchy! Do do do doo, dah duh dah doo, bah bum buh boo! Do do do doo, dah duh dah doo, bah bum buh boo! Duuuhhhn-uh!
Yeah, that's Katt Monroe's frigging theme music! Oh, and she's actually pretty useful for a guest pilot in a game! If you get through to Sector Z, she takes out one of those blasted missiles pretty much by herself, and if you end up on Macbeth, she actually flips a bunch of those stupid switches you need to hit to kill the boss faster than Speedy Gonzales hopped up on meth-cheese.
At the very least, she's a billion times better than Bill Grey, that bulldog you meet on Katina. That mofo's impossible to please, he's all;
"Nice going, Fox. . . . " *in a tone filled with implied arrogance over your inability to f**king know the difference between his squadron's ships and the enemies in the level who look EXACTLY THE SAME from any decent range!*
Yeah F**k you too Bill! Last time I go to your planet and save your ass from invading flying saucers!
I'll stick with Katt thank you very much. Besides, how many space-cats are there that can fly starships?
Umm. OK, But how many ALSO have theme music when they enter to save the day?
That's what I thought.
Black Cat (Spider-Man 2/Web of Shadows)I REALLY wanted to put Catwoman on this list. The one from the DC universe. Like seriously. Because it was she that pretty much got me on this whole mental tangent.
But you see there's a pretty big problem: Catwoman has yet to make a decent video game appearance. I mean, her big starring role in her own game was the Halle Berry Catwoman movie tie-in.
Not so hot there.
"But what about Mortal Combat Versus the DC Universe?" you might ask . . .
To which I would reply," BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA . . . HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HeheheheheheheeheeheeheehahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! . . . ooh wait, you were serious?! "
I guess that's a step in the right direction, but it's still a long way from "good". Sure, her upcoming appearance in Arkham Asylum 2 might end up changing the notion, but for now, if you want to see a decent cat burglar based off of a comic book character wearing black leather, you're going to have to settle for Black Cat.
Though, I hardly think going for Black Cat would be considered settling, if you're anyone BUT Spider-Man, who seems knee-deep in Super-Models with daddy issues about three times a year.
Felicia Hardy is the actual name of the girl in the black leather using grappling hooks and thw world's most dangerous press-on nails, but wait . . . Felicia? Really? Methinks, Marvel may have a lawsuit with Capcom, or at least would if they weren't so busy partnering up for crossover games that make them both tons of money. Hmm, maybe it's an homage from Capcom?
Anyway, she's a Catwoman knock-off, and for a time even had cool bad luck powers, not to mention she's pretty much the only reason to play Spider-Man Web of Shadows and is a big reason to play Spider-Man 2: The Movie: The Game (yes that's it's actual title, so now you know where I Wanna Be the Guy got it from). Her sub-plot in Spidey 2 was actually based off of early drafts of the script of the movie and it turns into a very entertaining storyline for the game. In fact it's a shame they cut her from the film, it would have been nice to see her make an appearance on the silver screen.
As for Web of Shadows, (featured in the attached video) she's pretty damn awesome. She's the first major boss battle and is featured heavily throughout the rest of the game . . . if you choose to hang with her at her tower. You eventually have to fight her again, when she's a new symbiote version of herself, and at least two of the game's four endings are determined by your choices regarding Peter Parker's feelings for his feline flame.
Plus she's played by Tricia Helfer! Otherwise known as Caprica Six from BSG! Otherwise known as the only woman actually hot enough to play Black Cat in any f*ture film that will feature her!
So maybe it's good she wasn't used in Spider-Man 2 after all. Maybe now we can see Ms. Helfer don the fringed leather and domino mask and . . .
*falls into purring trance over the mental image*
Koban Cat and his Ninja Cat Army (The Legend of the Mystical Ninja)The Mystical Ninja Series, and especially the first game in it, is filled to the fricking brim with cats.
There's are lucky cat item pick-ups, Lucky Cats in the backgrounds, and a summonable Tiger mount that simply wrecks things when you pull it out of Goemon's pocket just to name a few.
But If I have to go with one cat from this game, I think I'll go with Koban . . . and his NINJA CAT ARMY!
Charged with protecting Japan from its wackiest threats, like a troupe of evil mimes that live near Octopus island, or plate spinning ghosts, I'll bet the cat army was doing pretty good for itself. Until a new threat arrived, that figured out how to stop them - by keeping them as cats!
It seems the Cat Army was mostly effective because they were shapeshifters, and the evil Otafu Army decided that in order to kidnap princess Yuki, they had to disable this ability of theirs. And well, they were right, since it's pretty easy to tie up a cute widdle kitty, but not so much if it can go Altered Beast on your ass.
Which is why Edo period stoner Goemon/Kid Ying (seriously, why do you think he keeps that pipe?), has to team up with his pudgy pal Ebisumaru/Dr. Yang, and traipse around Japan and save all the kittens . . . and a princess or something.
So yeah, these guys have to be pretty ineffectual, otherwise this game never even gets off the ground . . but just think about it: A deadly army of shapeshifting Cat Ninjas! That would be pretty unstoppable. It's a good thing they're on our side, at least until we run out of tuna . . . then we're screwed.
So yeah, more awesome in theory than in practice, but hey, still awesome.
Cait Sith (Final Fantasy Series)First off, I was going to originally put Red XII on the list.
Because I mean, look at him!
Sure, while his body screams wolf, his face always seemed to me, way more cat-like, and he's a made-up creature anyway. Plus his tail is on fire and he talks, both facts that make him awesome. But then a friend of mine was all," Naw Bro. He's a dog yo." And then I was like "Really?" and then he was like "Yeah." and then I looked it up, and I hate the internet for proving him right.
So I had to think of something else really fast, and then get back to drinking and writing. Two activities which do mix together very well . . . unless you are driving as well. Then LOOK OUT FOR THAT TREE!
Anyway, if there's another Cat worth a damn in Final Fantasy, it's probably Cait Sith.
"But he's not a cat! He's a dude dressed in a cat suit riding a robot moogle!"
Correction. He's a dude remotely controlling a PUPPET of a cat riding a robot Moogle. But . . . even for a game featuring a race of Tiger-wolves that are allergic to soft potion, this seems pretty ridiculous to me. I think it's all a clever diversion of Cat Sith, aka Cat Sidhe, the Celtic fairy cat he actually is.
Well it would explain his appearance in Final Fantasy 6 as the summon Stray.
It would also explain his magical f**king ability to damage you with the result of dice rolls. As well as explain his Scottish accent in both Advent Children and Dirge of Cerberus. Also it works equally as well to explain the time he goes and sacrifices himself in FF7, I mean as a cat-ghost-god he'd have at the least those nine lives right?
OK, so that might be just as ridiculous as the given story for Cait Sith, but as the game series' foremost representation of cats it might have to do.
Also, look at the cute little cape he's wearing! And that crown! Adorable!
Cougars! (Red Dead Redemption)So, let's see, we've had cat-people characters from fighting games, a couple of bosses, a main character in the form of Ratchet, some side characters, and at least one character whose status as a cat is in question . . . what are we missing?
How about a regular enemy entry? Well I can think of none better than those damn cougars from Red Dead Redemption!
Just watch the attached video, I think it pretty much makes my point for me.
Or if you don't have the time or are afraid of video clips or something after being rick rolled one to many times, let me put it this way; the Cougars in RDR are f**king bastards.
Usually they appear out of the mists of time itself, or at least seem to, since by the time you manage to spot them, they're charging you at apparently 3000 miles and hour, and yeah, your horse is now dead.
Better catch them on their circling attack or pretty soon it's a claw to the jugular vein. Time to turn on that dead eye! And whew that was close!
God, I hope there's never a day when these assholes come back as undead beasts of fury, that require a direct headshot to put down! Have you seen how fast they move? A direct headshot would be a hassle, even in Dead Eye!
Yup thank the lord for small favors . . .
OH DEAR LORD WHY?!
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