Felicia is the definitive Cat-Woman in videogames. You think "Cat" and you think "Woman" and stick them in a context of "video game" and BOOM! Felicia comes up. If it's an image search, probably there's some hentai in there. If it's on Youtube, you're bound to see way too many "tribute" video featuring the Darkstalker's tail section. Probably none of it will feature hairballs.
Also available on youtube when combined with Felicia? AMVs, like this . And hilarious examples of why the US should never, ever, ever, attempt to outdo Japanese animation with a Japanese franchise like Darkstalkers, as seen here .
So Felicia's obviously pretty popular if she became the main character in a terrible spin-off cartoon that had absolutely no budget for writers or animators. But who is she really?
Well, she's from the Darkstalkers (or is it Vampire?) fighting game series. She was raised in an orphanage, and she's a catgirl who wants to become famous. Yup, that's it. No terribly deep back story filled with pathos and inner turmoil and a reason to fight off every demon she encounters whatsoever. She's pretty much just eye candy without much depth. So why is she so damn popular? Even so much as appearing in the soon to be epic Marvel VS Capcom 3?
She's a furry fanboy's wet dream!
Combining all of the sexuality of a spunky, precocious woman, and . . . cat. OK, maybe there actually isn't ENOUGH fur on her for those guys and gals who prefer such things, I think? I mean it's really hard to tell. Is Felicia a litmus test of sorts? If she turns you on, are you normal, or totally going to Cleveland in a fuzzy body suit next year?
Even if said body suit wouldn't exactly be all that bad . . .
Plus, is Felicia even a real "catwoman"? I mean sure, she's described as such, and looks the part, but is that even a real thing?
The Dark Stalkers/Vampire Hunter/Night Warrior series (seriously, they need to settle on a name), is full of various monsters and myths that generally have some resemblance to CLASSIC myths and monsters. There's a mummy, a werewolf, a Frankenstein-like golem, a cursed suit of armor, a zombie, a succubus, and a vampire. All of these are classics and instantly recognizable, or at least fit into the context, and a huge chunk of them are basically Universal Monsters direct off the studio tour.
But a Cat person? Sure it's big in Japan (what isn't?) but it really doesn't have the same history or pedigree as anything else in the first game. I often wonder if Felicia isn't actually a completely crazy fangirl dressing up as a monster in order to get attention. That explanation would fit into her back story (if not her movelist), just as well as the nebulous "she's a cat girl!" explanation she actually has.
Plus that explanation would make her a lot more like Catwoman, but WAY more crazy. But hell, I'd prefer Felicia as our standard of Crazy Cat lady to this one:
Snowflake (Dead Rising 2)v
I think it's time for a REAL cat to get on here. But which one . . . *processing*
OK yeah, Snowflake wins.
In the recent Dead Rising 2, you found yourself controlling Chuck Greene as Las Ve- I mean Fortune City was destroyed by a zombie outbreak. Fortune City has all of the entertainments one would expect of a gambler's paradise, including rock bands, lounge singers, 24-hour chapels, and even Magicians! Of course, where there are flamboyant magicians, there are bound to be tigers! Snowflake is just such a tiger.
You meet Snowflake after his handler Ted knocks Chuck out and attempts to feed the rampaging motocross star to the ravenous animal, since all of the Zombie's meat "isn't fresh". Though Mr. Greene tries to reason with Ted, it's to no avail, and soon enough you've got an armed semi-retarded animal handler, a 600-pound wild animal, and still a s**t-ton of Zombies all gunning for your delicious meats at the same time.
It's a pretty awesome boss battle. But it get's a little bit better.
You see, if you've been paying attention, you realize that Snowflake isn't really all that interested in killing you, the poor baby's just hungwy. So, look around some nearby kitchens for some food and feed it to him, and soon enough he's purring at your side.
That's right, Snowflake will then proceed to wander around with you as your companion. And it. Is. Amazing.
Getting drunk and raining death around Fortune city with your motherf**king tiger is pretty much too cool for words. Which is why when I was playing this game I often ended up resorting to audible nonsense: I was enraptured in awesome levels too high for most normal men.
Oh, and you can even give Snowflake to Chuck's Daughter as a present. Sooooo cute!
Irresponsible as all hell considering she's like 10, and yet another strong indicator that the universe wants Katie Greene dead, but cute nonetheless.
Ratchet ( Ratchet and Clank)v
OK, the only reason Ratchet is this low is that technically he's an alien.
He's a VERY Bobcat like alien called a "Lombax". While "Lombax" sound like it belongs in a Dr. Seuss story about the racist fears of your parents (Guess Which Lombax is coming to Dinner?), he's actually pretty capable. Ratchet has a degree in in f*ture engineering, wields some pretty nasty weapons and hangs around with his little robot buddy while saving the universe.
Sure, Ratchet started out as a fairly annoying, whiny, Furtard in the original game, but by the sequel, Going Commando , he actually turned into a character that could be easily liked, and seemed very competent. I think he developed into a pretty cool guy. eh kills aleins and doesnt afraid of anything...
So while it was Captain Quark or Clank who usually stole the show as the series progressed, it was Ratchet we played as the most, and who often had the best guns.
For being the straight-man to so many great jokes, appearing in some very polished and fun little games, and being the hero to so many a planet . . . Ratchet, we salute thee!
Now get yourself on dancing with stars man! With those moves you'll be famous!
Evil The Cat (Earthworm Jim)v
Why did I not put Evil the cat at number six? It's a bit too obvious really.
Ruler of the planet Heck, which in no way resembles hell for legal reasons, Evil the Cat is the purrrfect example of how to make a cat a villain while still retaining their cattiness.
The level he appears in is pretty damn annoying, and you have to navigate a bunch of crap to reach this bitched. Then, when you do, he cheats! He takes away your super suit, leaving you as a Worm who can only jump around like a pogo stick, while he fires flaming hairballs at you from a secure location. If this boss battle wasn't so damn easy (seriously, you just jump the fire) I'd call shenanigans on this darn cat.
Once you dodge all his fire, it destroys his platform and you again get access to Jim's super suit. Then you proceed to completely work your way through Evil's nine lives while he tries to jump you from off-screen.
Such a petty, nasty, cheating boss.
But even with all his lives gone, Evil the Cat continues to show up. He pesters you in Earthworm Jim 2, and had a very memorable turn on the old Earthworm Jim cartoon show.
But really it's his side-stepping, flanking, backstabbing, pouncing methods that get Evil here. Because that's exactly how a cat fights damn it!
Also, his hairball are made of fire. That's got to be worth something.
Leo (Red Earth)v
OK probably no one reading this list knows who the hell this is. Nor do I think many of you have even heard of this game, but seriously, just watch the video and understand. Especially once you realize that in the first stage, this guys cuts a dragon . . . IN HALF.
Leo from Red Earth is Conan the Motherf**king Barbarian if his mom was Egyptian Goddess Bast, and his dad was Mike Haggar.
Leo is a beast of a fighter, a king, and cursed into a form that just makes him even more awesome. He fights for justice, wielding only a sword, hefting only a buckler, and wearing only a loincloth. He needs little else.
He would eat Lion-O from Thundercats for breakfast, and then bang Cheetara just so the rest of the Thunderan population would have his race of God-King-cats to remember him by. If he met, the Na'vi, he'd conquer them outside a week. If he came to our world, I'm pretty sure he would only seek out women who could kill cyborgs, and then make them fall in desperate love with him.
Which, as this picture proves, he did in the 80's.
But of course, he comes from an unknown game that was pretty much ignored by the world's population, and only made another brief appearance in SVC Chaos a few years later. We're probably never going to see Leo again.
I don't think he cares though, the man's got a kingdom to run and ogres to slay.
Also, probably a badass ball of razor-yarn to play with in his off time.
What? He's still a cat.
Katt Monroe (Starfox 64)v
So you're playing through Starfox 64, and you aren't a total newbie, so you followed Falco on Corneria and decimated the armada at Sector Y. This means that after you deal with the clam-bake on Aquas, you'll end up in Zoness and . . .
Wait! What's that?
Theme music? What the hell . . .
But it's so catchy! Do do do doo, dah duh dah doo, bah bum buh boo! Do do do doo, dah duh dah doo, bah bum buh boo! Duuuhhhn-uh!
Yeah, that's Katt Monroe's frigging theme music! Oh, and she's actually pretty useful for a guest pilot in a game! If you get through to Sector Z, she takes out one of those blasted missiles pretty much by herself, and if you end up on Macbeth, she actually flips a bunch of those stupid switches you need to hit to kill the boss faster than Speedy Gonzales hopped up on meth-cheese.
At the very least, she's a billion times better than Bill Grey, that bulldog you meet on Katina. That mofo's impossible to please, he's all;
"Nice going, Fox. . . . " *in a tone filled with implied arrogance over your inability to f**king know the difference between his squadron's ships and the enemies in the level who look EXACTLY THE SAME from any decent range!*
Yeah F**k you too Bill! Last time I go to your planet and save your ass from invading flying saucers!
I'll stick with Katt thank you very much. Besides, how many space-cats are there that can fly starships?
Umm. OK, But how many ALSO have theme music when they enter to save the day?
That's what I thought.
Black Cat (Spider-Man 2/Web of Shadows)v
I REALLY wanted to put Catwoman on this list. The one from the DC universe. Like seriously. Because it was she that pretty much got me on this whole mental tangent.
But you see there's a pretty big problem: Catwoman has yet to make a decent video game appearance. I mean, her big starring role in her own game was the Halle Berry Catwoman movie tie-in.
Not so hot there.
"But what about Mortal Combat Versus the DC Universe?" you might ask . . .
To which I would reply," BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA . . . HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HeheheheheheheeheeheeheehahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! . . . ooh wait, you were serious?! "
I guess that's a step in the right direction, but it's still a long way from "good". Sure, her upcoming appearance in Arkham Asylum 2 might end up changing the notion, but for now, if you want to see a decent cat burglar based off of a comic book character wearing black leather, you're going to have to settle for Black Cat.
Though, I hardly think going for Black Cat would be considered settling, if you're anyone BUT Spider-Man, who seems knee-deep in Super-Models with daddy issues about three times a year.
Felicia Hardy is the actual name of the girl in the black leather using grappling hooks and thw world's most dangerous press-on nails, but wait . . . Felicia? Really? Methinks, Marvel may have a lawsuit with Capcom, or at least would if they weren't so busy partnering up for crossover games that make them both tons of money. Hmm, maybe it's an homage from Capcom?
Anyway, she's a Catwoman knock-off, and for a time even had cool bad luck powers, not to mention she's pretty much the only reason to play Spider-Man Web of Shadows and is a big reason to play Spider-Man 2: The Movie: The Game (yes that's it's actual title, so now you know where I Wanna Be the Guy got it from). Her sub-plot in Spidey 2 was actually based off of early drafts of the script of the movie and it turns into a very entertaining storyline for the game. In fact it's a shame they cut her from the film, it would have been nice to see her make an appearance on the silver screen.
As for Web of Shadows, (featured in the attached video) she's pretty damn awesome. She's the first major boss battle and is featured heavily throughout the rest of the game . . . if you choose to hang with her at her tower. You eventually have to fight her again, when she's a new symbiote version of herself, and at least two of the game's four endings are determined by your choices regarding Peter Parker's feelings for his feline flame.
Plus she's played by Tricia Helfer! Otherwise known as Caprica Six from BSG! Otherwise known as the only woman actually hot enough to play Black Cat in any f*ture film that will feature her!
So maybe it's good she wasn't used in Spider-Man 2 after all. Maybe now we can see Ms. Helfer don the fringed leather and domino mask and . . .
*falls into purring trance over the mental image*
Koban Cat and his Ninja Cat Army (The Legend of the Mystical Ninja)v
The Mystical Ninja Series, and especially the first game in it, is filled to the fricking brim with cats.
There's are lucky cat item pick-ups, Lucky Cats in the backgrounds, and a summonable Tiger mount that simply wrecks things when you pull it out of Goemon's pocket just to name a few.
But If I have to go with one cat from this game, I think I'll go with Koban . . . and his NINJA CAT ARMY!
Charged with protecting Japan from its wackiest threats, like a troupe of evil mimes that live near Octopus island, or plate spinning ghosts, I'll bet the cat army was doing pretty good for itself. Until a new threat arrived, that figured out how to stop them - by keeping them as cats!
It seems the Cat Army was mostly effective because they were shapeshifters, and the evil Otafu Army decided that in order to kidnap princess Yuki, they had to disable this ability of theirs. And well, they were right, since it's pretty easy to tie up a cute widdle kitty, but not so much if it can go Altered Beast on your ass.
Which is why Edo period stoner Goemon/Kid Ying (seriously, why do you think he keeps that pipe?), has to team up with his pudgy pal Ebisumaru/Dr. Yang, and traipse around Japan and save all the kittens . . . and a princess or something.
So yeah, these guys have to be pretty ineffectual, otherwise this game never even gets off the ground . . but just think about it: A deadly army of shapeshifting Cat Ninjas! That would be pretty unstoppable. It's a good thing they're on our side, at least until we run out of tuna . . . then we're screwed.
So yeah, more awesome in theory than in practice, but hey, still awesome.
Cait Sith (Final Fantasy Series)v
First off, I was going to originally put Red XII on the list.
Because I mean, look at him!
Sure, while his body screams wolf, his face always seemed to me, way more cat-like, and he's a made-up creature anyway. Plus his tail is on fire and he talks, both facts that make him awesome. But then a friend of mine was all," Naw Bro. He's a dog yo." And then I was like "Really?" and then he was like "Yeah." and then I looked it up, and I hate the internet for proving him right.
So I had to think of something else really fast, and then get back to drinking and writing. Two activities which do mix together very well . . . unless you are driving as well. Then LOOK OUT FOR THAT TREE!
Anyway, if there's another Cat worth a damn in Final Fantasy, it's probably Cait Sith.
"But he's not a cat! He's a dude dressed in a cat suit riding a robot moogle!"
Correction. He's a dude remotely controlling a PUPPET of a cat riding a robot Moogle. But . . . even for a game featuring a race of Tiger-wolves that are allergic to soft potion, this seems pretty ridiculous to me. I think it's all a clever diversion of Cat Sith, aka Cat Sidhe, the Celtic fairy cat he actually is.
Well it would explain his appearance in Final Fantasy 6 as the summon Stray.
It would also explain his magical f**king ability to damage you with the result of dice rolls. As well as explain his Scottish accent in both Advent Children and Dirge of Cerberus. Also it works equally as well to explain the time he goes and sacrifices himself in FF7, I mean as a cat-ghost-god he'd have at the least those nine lives right?
OK, so that might be just as ridiculous as the given story for Cait Sith, but as the game series' foremost representation of cats it might have to do.
Also, look at the cute little cape he's wearing! And that crown! Adorable!
Cougars! (Red Dead Redemption)v
So, let's see, we've had cat-people characters from fighting games, a couple of bosses, a main character in the form of Ratchet, some side characters, and at least one character whose status as a cat is in question . . . what are we missing?
How about a regular enemy entry? Well I can think of none better than those damn cougars from Red Dead Redemption!
Just watch the attached video, I think it pretty much makes my point for me.
Or if you don't have the time or are afraid of video clips or something after being rick rolled one to many times, let me put it this way; the Cougars in RDR are f**king bastards.
Usually they appear out of the mists of time itself, or at least seem to, since by the time you manage to spot them, they're charging you at apparently 3000 miles and hour, and yeah, your horse is now dead.
Better catch them on their circling attack or pretty soon it's a claw to the jugular vein. Time to turn on that dead eye! And whew that was close!
God, I hope there's never a day when these assholes come back as undead beasts of fury, that require a direct headshot to put down! Have you seen how fast they move? A direct headshot would be a hassle, even in Dead Eye!
Yup thank the lord for small favors . . .
OH DEAR LORD WHY?!
That Ridiculously Huge Psycho Laser Cat! (Castle Crashers)v
I think it's a cat.
I mean, I'm pretty sure it is.
I figured a really honking big feline was in order, so at first I was like: Big the Cat! From Sonic Adventure!
And then I remembered. He's terrible!
Also I recalled, this . . . thing, which I'm pretty sure is a cat . . . from Castle Crashers.
At the very least, it has one of the best intros in a video game ever. As you work your way through the woods, you keep seeing other forest creatures s**tting themselves in fear over this thing. To death. When you first encounter it, all you can do is run away from it, or at least, ride a s**t propelled deer away from it.
But finally, in the parade level, you get a chance to strike back.
While battling on the roof of a cyclops' carriage this giant beast appears again, and this time, it has eye lasers! Yeah, this thing is nasty.
But it still might not actually BE a cat . . . so if it isn't, I'll go with the Catfish boss from the same game! But wait, that's only HALF cat!
Those cute support pets have some kitties right? I'll go with them!
Speaking of which . . .
Mr. Bigglesworth - WoW (and all the rest)v
OK, this entry isn't necessarily about Mr. Bigglesworth per se.
I mean it is, because he is pretty cool. He's the pet feline of the very evil Kel'Thuzad, the nigh unstoppable Lich who runs Naxxramas. Which if you've played, or even heard of World of Warcraft, you might know was kind of a big deal for a while. Being owned by such a powerful evil undead-wizard has to warrant some status right? Also he can occasionally kill an unaware or idle PC, which is definitely hilarious. Especially since he's such a little thing,
"Aw how cute, pwned by Mr. Bigglesworth!".
Anyway, this one's more a shout out to all those cats in games that help us out.
From Assist characters in fighting games, like Strider Hiryu's Terapodal Robo-Panther (which is definitely something I want for Christmas), or the Boss of King Of Fighters 2001, Original Zero's pet Black Lion Glaugen, or to those adorable assist animals from Castle Crashers, like Scratchpaw!
Especially Glaugen though- I mean come on! He's a jet black Lion!
This is for all the cats that act as mounts for our Night Elves, pets for our hunters and summons for our spells. To all of you cats out there that simply act as pets, or in some way assist us from time to time without ever getting in our way and tripping us under our feet (you know, like a real cat), I give you a salute, a tummy rub, and a treat!
Now there's a good kitty!
The Cheetahmen (Action 52)v
So it's come to this.
The final entry.
I can think of nothing more fitting than the trio that represents the worst, and yet somehow the best, in anthropomorphic cat people . . . (wait for it) . . . than the Cheetahmen.
Originally appearing in the ludicrously over priced Action 52, these three, Aries, Apollo, and Hercules, are quite possibly the worst video game characters of all time. They appear in one and a half of the worst games of all time. Their backstory is one of the most ridiculous of all time!
They represent everything we hate about anthro people, about rip-offs of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, about bad games, about cheetahs, and even about men.
They are horrible. So are the bastards who unleashed them upon us.
I mean, I was going to pick on Bubsy the Bobcat for the ultimate example of a terrible cat in video games, but these three take a huge heaping litterbox filling dump all over Bubsy, and he was nauseating. That's right, they make Bubsy look good in comparison. BUBSY.
Every step along the way of Cheetahmen 2 the (sort of released) sequel, you can see how terrible they and the game they're in is. For example, the enemies, what are they exactly?
Ghost . . . guys? Beetles? Uh, triangles? What the f**k?
OK what about the collision detection? OK yeah, that's was made by someone with a only a basic understanding of the idea of a solid object. Or how about the bosses, who usually run across the screen in only one direction . . . guh? Animation? You have I think a total of four total frames for any given Cheetahman: two for walking, one for jumping, and one for attacking. But that makes it look like Hayao Miyazaki blessed them compared to all of the other NPCS.
And the games they're in - bug-fest! Good luck getting through them without crashing or running into a progression break. No, seriously, good luck. It's pretty rare to not encounter at LEAST one major bug when playing.
Jesus! Is there anything in this game that isn't a pile of vomit covered failure?
Oddly enough, there is! The music, despite only being ONE song is . . .really catchy! Seriously, check it out.
Plus, if you actually got Action 52 when it originally appeared, you would know that while 51 of those games were nigh unplayable, one kind of wasn't, and it was . . . well Cheetahmen. It's the best out of a VERY bad lot I suppose, but it's something it's the best at at least.
So, for being both the worst, and the best OF the worst, (which I refer to as blurst) . . . I salute you Cheetahmen!
Also thanks for enabling me to not write about how terrible Bubsy was. Thank god.
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