The 13 Most Arduous Animal Sex Habits By Rachel Stewart [15 more lists]

You think YOU have a tough time getting laid? These 13 animals work for sex more than any species on earth. From drinking pee to morphing the size and shape of their penis, to actually DYING for sex, here are thirteen animals that have the hardest time getting laid. Warning: terrible sex jokes ahead...

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1

Honey Bees: Sex Slaves That Lose Their Penis and Die

Honey bee colonies are organized such that in each individual hive, much like in most public middle schools, there is a queen bee, drones, and worker bees.

The drones probably have the worst lot in life, as far as sex goes. First of all, the male honey bee, the "Drone", are the only males in the hive. They develop from eggs that have not been fertilized, and they do not have the ability to sting anything and since the worker bee's stinger is a modified ovipositor (an egg laying organ), it acts like any other bee's stinger does when they sting someone.

That's right. Once they use their penis for the only purpose they are on this earth, they die immediately.

I mean, it's not like the worker bees (the ones with actual stingers) have it any better off...

But these poor Drone schlubs are stingless, defenseless, and ultimately unable to feed themselves -- kind of like most college freshmen.

Their only function is to fertilize the queen bee, and once they finally "get it in", their lives are over.

This is the penis of a Bee Drone. I call it a "Beenis."

How can a species that has one of the most brilliant, enigmatic pattens of communication have the worst imaginable way of procreating? I guess they just don't get emotionally attached to anything, but man, if you think about it, every Drone is kind of a loser. The queen really has to slum it and sink down to Drone levels, when she clearly has everything going for her, and plenty of other dudes that would appreciate a piece of that action... but just because it's in her nature, inexplicably, she falls for the loser (x1000)

... Which makes pretty much any bee hive in the history of existence an insect version of any Judd Apatow movie you've ever seen.
2

Male Giraffes Must Drink Female's Urine Before Sex

Male giraffes really have it rough as far as finding a mate. Female giraffes go into Estrus, a period of sexual excitement due to changes in their lady giraffe bits, for only two weeks out of the year. Thus, male giraffes are subjected to live in a constant state of want.

The suck doesn't stop there though. When the male giraffe finally does find a female giraffe in Estrus, nature requires him to resort to some major humiliation.

He has to sniff the female's vagina, and then nudge her rear end with his nose so she can pee all over him. The male then has to drink the pee in order to decide whether or not the female in question is a biologically ""appropriate"" mate.

First of all, why the hell would you drink someone's urine if you had ANY doubts that they were the one? Well, you would go to pretty much any length if you only got laid two weeks out of the year -- although you'd probably be less picky than male giraffes. If humans had the mating habits of giraffes, clubs would be the most disgusting places on the planet.

Giraffes drink the urine to taste and smell female hormones, and to judge the female's ability to carry children, as well as her physical capabilities and other overall survival of the fittest traits, which is actually pretty awesome if you think about it. All you can tell about a woman from her urine if you're a human is how quickly you should never tell her she forgot to flush.

If the female giraffe is particularly interested in the male, though she will pee extra long and hard...because nothing says ""I want you, baby"" like a good ol' fashioned golden shower.

That's not all, though. Yes there's more. At this point, after releasing all that pond juice onto the male giraffe, the female giraffe can very easily decide NOT to have sex AGAIN.

If she's not feeling it and the male giraffe mounts her, all she has to do is just walk away and there's nothing the male can do about it. He may follow her and try to mount her again after this initial rejection, but sometimes just end up following her for hours or even days on end (even though the clock is ticking!) in vain.

When the female giraffe finally stands still and allows a male to mount her from behind, the deed is over very quick. So quick that it's rarely observed by humans.

So, in a lot of ways, giraffe sex is much like your first experience at a frat party if you're a dude.
3

Cats Have Penises That Act Like Medieval Weapons

Cats a barbed penis. Yes, that's right, a barbed penis. Their penis kind of acts like either a medieval weapon or this guy's tail:

Cats' penises have about 120-150 backwards-pointing spines all lined up in a row. They function like little claws against the female cat's vagina in case she wants to get away and are also there to trigger ovulation.

That's right, it's a barbed penis in order to keep the female from wanting to move at ALL. Are you ready for it? Here it is, the most absolutely METAL and brutal looking penis in the animal kingdom.

The spikes also clear the vagina of any other sperm in case another alley cat came before the current cat/medieval warrior. So basically, it's like a tongue scraping, only with spikes and in the vagina and instead of plaque it's old semen. Since female cats can mate with several male cats when she's in heat, it's a good idea to clean the area out cause, most likely, she a ho.

So the reason this makes it incredibly difficult for cats is that whenever you hear cats in heat sounding like they're in miserable pain, it's because they are. Imagine having something akin to a Saw movie happening to you every time you have sex. This is what a female cat goes through every time and all our hats should go off to them.
4

Flatworms Engage in Penis Fencing - Loser Becomes the Mother

Certain species of flatworms are hermaphrodites and when it comes to sex, for them it's a real love-hate relationship. Sometimes, these flatworms, such as Pseudobiceros hanc**kanus, will literally go head to head (heh) and duke it out during intercourse. Or rather, duke it out, as their intercourse.
The flatworms engage in what's called ""penis fencing"" and, much like the gallant knights of the Middle Ages, they fight in the name of love. Though in this case they are actually FIGHTING their love, hoping to wound and pierce their love with, yes, their penises. Both of 'em. Have penises.

But not for long.

Remember all that phallic symbolism in Literature you had to learn about in high school and college? Well you can leave all that behind because Flatworms are the most literal creatures on Earth.

Since Flatworms are generally hermaphroditic (yes, they have the ability to be both women and men) the way they decide who's the father and who's the mother during copulation isn't by going through each of their iTunes and deciding which one gets to wear blue to the dinner party -- they fight with their penises. They literally have a sword fight with their dagger-like penises.

It is the most important fight of their entire lives.

When one of them pierces the skin of the other flatworm with their white two-headed dagger-like penis, the ""winner"" inseminates the other and automatically cements himself as ""father."" The sperm absorbs through the wounded flatworm's skin, causing fertilization and securing the flatworm as ""mother"" and the one who has to carry the responsibility of child-bearing.

Tag, you're it!

So if you're a flatworm not only do you have to fight a REALLY high stakes knife fight in order to get laid at all, but if you lose, you become the female -- the one who has to take all of the children and give up on his/her career. One wrong move, one wrong pivot and poof! You're a soccer mom.
5

Female Pandas in Heat Three Days a Year, Need Porn to Get in the Mood

It's hard enough to be confined to just one season of mating, but panda bears have only a tiny window in that period to mate. We're talking only three to seven days. Out of the YEAR. This is the shortest mating

Much of this sexual tragedy is due to the female panda's estrous cycle or the very short period in which she is in heat and is able to conceive -- which can be as low as three days.

No pressure.

This means that the male panda has to wait around all year for, at the most, just seven days in heaven (at the most.) Most panda copulation lasts only about thirty seconds to five minutes... which is probably why people have had to start giving panda's panda p*********y just to get them heated up enough to have sex (see the video to the left.)

Oh, also, just in case there's even an ounce of excitement to a male panda bear's life, to make things worse, a female can actually be biologically wired to only reproduce every two years -- so basically, natural selection is trying to kill pandas.

So not only is it impossibly hard to get laid if you're a male panda, but if you want to procreate it may be anywhere between two and four years before the procreation sex even takes.

Why don't pandas find each other attractive? Well, we'll let comedian Mike Birbiglia explain it at 3:07:
6

Every Sexual Experience is Like an Action-Movie Car Chase for Turtles

During mating season, male turtles will fight with other male turtles over a female turtle. The most aggressive turtle wins and then, with the female's consent, climbs on top of the female for some action. The male shows signs of affection towards the female by biting their necks and flippers as well as nuzzling their heads and fluttering its claws on her face.

Sounds kind of sweet only if you like frat parties.

Basically, for turtles, random dudes coming up to random girls, grinding all up on them and then going all the way is the method with which the entire species moves forward.

Since the mating process usually takes up to several hours, the female turtle will often get bored and impatient with the turtles tiny tail (oh yeah, turtles keep their penises inside their tails.)

So while the male is moaning and groaning (or making adorable and/or disturbing sounds like the little guy in the video there) on top of the female, she usually seems uninterested and in a basking or resting position.

Sometimes the female will even get up and do other things in the middle of sex, a-la Paris Hilton, dragging the male (who still hasn't finished) along on her errands -- just like guys ALWAYS ask for.

The male turtle will sometimes be overpowered and even be flipped on his back due to the female's restlessness, but he'll try his best to continue mating as long as he can or until he's successful.

So, unfortunately for our adorable shelled friends, having sex with a willing female is quite a bit like this scene:
7

Squid Females Swallow Sperm Then Die

Thousands of women hate giving head. hell, make it millions (billions?)

Luckily, women can say no to head, but female squids have no choice but to deal with sperm in their mouths, because it is the way that they reproduce.

Female squids hold the semen from sex in a cavity near their mouths after intercourse, during the aftersex ""cuddling"" haze. And after this, they die.

To make matters worse for the female squid, an erect squid penis can be up to two feet long. Researchers discovered this incredibly sized squid penis after they caught a dying specimen of ""Onykia Ingens"", and they cut it open and got an interesting reaction from the animal: THE MALE SQUID GOT AROUSED AND EJACULATED ALL OVER THE CUTTING TABLE AND THE RESEARCHERS, just like any male in his right mind would want to do to anyone cutting him open against his will. Or maybe he's just into the S & M stuff.

So the worst part for all of this is really for the female and the fact that not only does sex kill her, but it makes her carry around her shame with her as she dies.

Here's a nerdy reporter trying to explain what's up with the squid mating in this video:
8

Barnacles Only Get to Bang What's Near Them

Barnacles are sessile, as in, they do not move from their shallow water location EVER. For any reason.

So, how do you have sex if you can't move?

The barnacle's solution is that it has a penis that can wrap around its body 50 times, kind of like that joke you always tell -- only for them it's true. This means, of course, that they don't have to budge an inch in order to successfully reproduce.

Which is absolutely bad ass.

The Hard Part:
Barnacles don't have a specific mating season, but often, their penises and overall body types are either suited for strong wave patterns or weaker tidal turns, and the barnacles have a difficult time if they are displaced from their natural immobile state (aka, they're growing at the bottom of a boat.)

The barnacles select mates based on whether their monstrously lengthy penis can reach the other individual in question, not because of another barnacles' personal traits or appearance.

So basically, whatever's near you is what you've got -- no matter what, so get ready to knock up that girl you thought you were too good for in high school that still lives in the same town with you, because that's the life of a barnacle.

So much like a lot of girls who have to deal with dudes with far less impressive wangs than the barnacle's, the stagnant crustacean (the female, kind of) doesn't really know that the other barnacle its mating.

It really was just the closest thing around.

Though it's true that one barnacle might not know the name of the other barnacle, they at least know the place where the other barnacle lives. Not that they can make a visit anytime soon, which is a plus. But the worst part is that if you're forced into a questionable situation as a barnacle, you're forced to re-live your night of shame for the rest of your life.
9

Penguins: Sex Once a Year, No External Genitalia, Have to Defy Death/The Elements

Have you SEEN March of the Penguins?

Male penguins don't have a penis and female penguins don't have a vagina... so WTF?

Well, here's WTF: Male penguins produce sperm in their testes and store it in the cloaca, or the organ for defecation, reproduction, and urination. That's right, they have an all purpose penis-like-thing just like dinosaurs did. Bet you've never thought of the fact that dinosaurs had to bang before, did you?

Anyway, the female penguin also has a cloaca, which leads to the ovaries. During the actual sex act, the female penguin lies flat on the ground and the male penguin presses his cloaca onto hers, releasing sperm.

So the sex part is easy, but the actual, successful procreation is arduous, death-defying and downright awe-inspiring (so much so that they made an entire movie about it, narrated by Morgan Freeman.)

Even worse yet, penguin couples spend their lives apart, with one exception. In March, the couple rendezvous at a breeding site, and find each other by way of the "bugle" call. Once they are reunited, they bow to each other and then bang. "HONEY I'M HOME!" ... right in front of the kids.
10

Female Alligators Don't Get to Eat for Days Before Sex

Alligators are generally solitary creatures, but when late spring rolls around, both males and females make low bellowing sounds in order to attract a mate. They also release a ""strong"" odor from their musk glands, send strong ""vibrations"" in the water, and engage in ""head slapping"" on the surface of the water.

While strange, this stuff really isn't that bad in the grand scheme of the animal kingdom. However, that doesn't take away from the fact that it does get pretty damn bad, generally speaking.

Alligators are sexually mature at a length of about six feet, and once they reach this length, the mating rituals get more painful.

About eight to nine weeks before the mating season, female alligators cease their diet of snails, worms, and crustaceans and move on to a diet of, well, nothing -- most likely so they'll look good in their alligator skin. And in the animal kingdom, any kind of ritualistic fasting goes against most animals' basic nature: to eat, procreate and do basically whatever the hell they want.

Can you imagine trying your hardest not to eat for days before sex? You'd barely be able to stay awake for the act itself.
11

Banggai Cardinalfish: Woman Drops Eggs in Male's Mouth. Male Doesn't Eat Until Eggs Hatched.

According to the Microcosm Aquarium Explorer, Banggai Cardinalfish are an "excellent aquarium species, strikingly handsome and easy to keep, even for beginners."

Of course, these handsome fish to have a dark side, and it's all about the act of mating [cue the Bloodhound Gang.]

Male Banggai Cardinalfish really do have to work to spread their seed.

Once the aquatic stud decides it is time to mate, and the male does get to decide, the male follows the female around until the female DEPOSITS HER EGGS INSIDE HIS MOUTH.

After this initial deposit, the male carries them around in his mouth until they hatch. No eating. No sex. Just eggs. In your mouth. Always.

In the video, the crazy orange sushi-looking stuff = the eggs:
12

Kangaroos Have Too Many Options: Two Vaginas per Kangaroo Female

Female kangaroos have two vaginas and two separate uteruses in order to ensure successful reproduction. That's right, TWO.

Kangaroos live in the harsh climate of Australia, where female kangaroos have a way of suspending the development of a young embryo if there's not enough food or water sources for it to survive.

Having two vaginas, then, allows the embryo to pass to the birth canal or median vagina as part of their waiting period.

Female kangaroos also have a separate third canal used only for birthing, or as a lot of ladies would say "exit only."

After the babies pass through their third canal, kangaroos carry their young in pouches attached to the bottom halves of their stomachs, both in order to incubate their newborns and prevent them from being eaten. You know this because you've watched cartoons before.

In order to accommodate the female situation, male kangaroos have a two-pronged penis because being a male kangaroo is absolutely bad ass.

The bad part comes when knowing which opening to use as a male kangaroo, as unlike almost any other marsupial in the animal kingdom, the female has a chessboard for genitals instead of your traditional "this is an opening, this must be how babies happen" anatomy.
13

Female Angler Fish Have to Mate with Parasites and Freeloaders

The angler fish can live in both open water and at the bottom of the ocean, depending on their specific body arrangement. The open water anglers are compressed side to side, while the bottom feeding anglers have a depressed bottom and big, fatty mouths. Male and female anglers attract their prey with a long filament that juts out from their head, but the males are lot less adept than the females.

Male angler fish are smaller than female angler fish and cannot survive on their own, so they attach to the females, like parasites (typical.) So once a man decides that he's found his sugar mama (pretty early on) he stays with her until it's ready to bang.

The only thing the male angler fish is good for is his potent male sperm and for causing nightmares.