Every Sexual Experience is Like an Action-Movie Car Chase for TurtlesDuring mating season, male turtles will fight with other male turtles over a female turtle. The most aggressive turtle wins and then, with the female's consent, climbs on top of the female for some action. The male shows signs of affection towards the female by biting their necks and flippers as well as nuzzling their heads and fluttering its claws on her face.
Sounds kind of sweet only if you like frat parties.
Basically, for turtles, random dudes coming up to random girls, grinding all up on them and then going all the way is the method with which the entire species moves forward.
Since the mating process usually takes up to several hours, the female turtle will often get bored and impatient with the turtles tiny tail (oh yeah, turtles keep their penises inside their tails.)
So while the male is moaning and groaning (or making adorable and/or disturbing sounds like the little guy in the video there) on top of the female, she usually seems uninterested and in a basking or resting position.
Sometimes the female will even get up and do other things in the middle of sex, a-la Paris Hilton, dragging the male (who still hasn't finished) along on her errands -- just like guys ALWAYS ask for.
The male turtle will sometimes be overpowered and even be flipped on his back due to the female's restlessness, but he'll try his best to continue mating as long as he can or until he's successful.
So, unfortunately for our adorable shelled friends, having sex with a willing female is quite a bit like this scene:
Squid Females Swallow Sperm Then DieThousands of women hate giving head. hell, make it millions (billions?)
Luckily, women can say no to head, but female squids have no choice but to deal with sperm in their mouths, because it is the way that they reproduce.
Female squids hold the semen from sex in a cavity near their mouths after intercourse, during the aftersex "cuddling" haze. And after this, they die.
To make matters worse for the female squid, an erect squid penis can be up to two feet long. Researchers discovered this incredibly sized squid penis after they caught a dying specimen of "Onykia Ingens", and they cut it open and got an interesting reaction from the animal: THE MALE SQUID GOT AROUSED AND EJACULATED ALL OVER THE CUTTING TABLE AND THE RESEARCHERS, just like any male in his right mind would want to do to anyone cutting him open against his will. Or maybe he's just into the S & M stuff.
So the worst part for all of this is really for the female and the fact that not only does sex kill her, but it makes her carry around her shame with her as she dies.
Here's a nerdy reporter trying to explain what's up with the squid mating in this video:
Barnacles Only Get to Bang What's Near ThemBarnacles are sessile, as in, they do not move from their shallow water location EVER. For any reason.
So, how do you have sex if you can't move?
The barnacle's solution is that it has a penis that can wrap around its body 50 times, kind of like that joke you always tell -- only for them it's true. This means, of course, that they don't have to budge an inch in order to successfully reproduce.
Which is absolutely bad ass.
The Hard Part:
Barnacles don't have a specific mating season, but often, their penises and overall body types are either suited for strong wave patterns or weaker tidal turns, and the barnacles have a difficult time if they are displaced from their natural immobile state (aka, they're growing at the bottom of a boat.)
The barnacles select mates based on whether their monstrously lengthy penis can reach the other individual in question, not because of another barnacles' personal traits or appearance.
So basically, whatever's near you is what you've got -- no matter what, so get ready to knock up that girl you thought you were too good for in high school that still lives in the same town with you, because that's the life of a barnacle.
So much like a lot of girls who have to deal with dudes with far less impressive wangs than the barnacle's, the stagnant crustacean (the female, kind of) doesn't really know that the other barnacle its mating.
It really was just the closest thing around.
Though it's true that one barnacle might not know the name of the other barnacle, they at least know the place where the other barnacle lives. Not that they can make a visit anytime soon, which is a plus. But the worst part is that if you're forced into a questionable situation as a barnacle, you're forced to re-live your night of shame for the rest of your life.
Penguins: Sex Once a Year, No External Genitalia, Have to Defy Death/The ElementsHave you SEEN March of the Penguins?
Male penguins don't have a penis and female penguins don't have a vagina... so WTF?
Well, here's WTF: Male penguins produce sperm in their testes and store it in the cloaca, or the organ for defecation, reproduction, and urination. That's right, they have an all purpose penis-like-thing just like dinosaurs did. Bet you've never thought of the fact that dinosaurs had to bang before, did you?
Anyway, the female penguin also has a cloaca, which leads to the ovaries. During the actual sex act, the female penguin lies flat on the ground and the male penguin presses his cloaca onto hers, releasing sperm.
So the sex part is easy, but the actual, successful procreation is arduous, death-defying and downright awe-inspiring (so much so that they made an entire movie about it, narrated by Morgan Freeman.)
Even worse yet, penguin couples spend their lives apart, with one exception. In March, the couple rendezvous at a breeding site, and find each other by way of the "bugle" call. Once they are reunited, they bow to each other and then bang. "HONEY I'M HOME!" ... right in front of the kids.
Female Alligators Don't Get to Eat for Days Before SexAlligators are generally solitary creatures, but when late spring rolls around, both males and females make low bellowing sounds in order to attract a mate. They also release a "strong" odor from their musk glands, send strong "vibrations" in the water, and engage in "head slapping" on the surface of the water.
While strange, this stuff really isn't that bad in the grand scheme of the animal kingdom. However, that doesn't take away from the fact that it does get pretty damn bad, generally speaking.
Alligators are sexually mature at a length of about six feet, and once they reach this length, the mating rituals get more painful.
About eight to nine weeks before the mating season, female alligators cease their diet of snails, worms, and crustaceans and move on to a diet of, well, nothing -- most likely so they'll look good in their alligator skin. And in the animal kingdom, any kind of ritualistic fasting goes against most animals' basic nature: to eat, procreate and do basically whatever the hell they want.
Can you imagine trying your hardest not to eat for days before sex? You'd barely be able to stay awake for the act itself.
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