Bird's Dropping Facials - Japan
We're always looking for the best facials we can get. I've spent hundreds (I hope, at this point) on things like this, but this kind of takes it to an extreme.
Smearing your visage with nightingale excrement sounds about as fun as, well, getting pooped on by a flock of seagulls. The aptly named Uguisu no fun, a Japanese powder made from songbird feces, was used by 18th century geishas and kabuki actors to wipe the heavy white makeup off their faces. Don't pooh-pooh the doo-doo just yet, however. Rich in the amino acid guanine, the rarified droppings are said to impart a soft, porcelain-white mien, but it'll cost you. At Shizuka New York Day Spa, for instance, a 50-minute facial will run you $180. We don't suggest you try this at home, since the droppings have to be sterilized to remove toxins and then ground into a fine powder. So back away from Polly and shop online instead.
But apparently this "bathroom facial" is not a new trend and it looks like it's one that's here to stay, introducing the pee facial. It's pretty self explanatory and honestly I don't even want to talk about it.
Snail Slime Cream - Chile
The next time you step on a snail, stop to ponder the potential costs of a face-lift, and then ask yourself if you would just as easily run over your plastic surgeon.
Yes, we are always looking for solutions like this one to get the perfect skin. But do snails hold the answer? And is it a quick answer (I'm sorry, I had to go for that joke).
The mucus secreted by land snails has a powerful antioxidant, which protects them from an atmosphere full of oxygen radicals– it also cushions the road as they forage across the sidewalk, so naturally if it works for them, it must work for us.
Snail serum has been clinically proven to help maintain the skin as well as improve cell function. Additionally, it helps avoid excess or abnormal scarring, including acne scarring, counteracting sun damage and preventing premature skin aging and wrinkles.
It also accelerates the renewal of damaged tissues. And you thought they were only good for French appetizers and sidewalk art.
Ground Pig Placenta - Japan
If you missed Sex Ed 101 (or, if you're not a woman), placenta is tissue that grows inside of women when they are pregnant.
It serves to nourish and protect the fetus, and is pushed out after the fetus during what is called the "afterbirth." It's slimy, slippery, bloody and full of fluids. Who would think to keep such a thing? (Matthew McConaughey, for one) The desire for youth and beauty can be a strong one, which is why in Japan, people are lining up to drink ground pig placenta. Like menstrual blood, placentas are full of vitamins, nutrients and minerals– everything that an egg or baby feeds on, pre-Gerber. Personally, I prefer my Centrum 1-A-Day, but for the brave, a 30-milliliter bottle will run you $8.50 USD or 1,000 yen in Tokyo. Not a bad price, actually.
The Japanese believe it gives them energy and revitalizes their youth. While taking a Red Bull may give you the same experience, this (at least) only has 1 ingredient. May I suggest sucking some lime afterward?
Oh and speaking of bull...
Bull Sperm Conditioner - London
Some things you just can't make up.
Case in point: a conditioning treatment made out of bovine sperm. Offered by Hari's, an upscale salon in London, the Aberdeen Organic Bull Semen Treatment combines the semen of Aberdeen Angus bulls with Katera root to create a protein-rich hair mask that drenches follicles in gobs of moisture. The result: shiny, full-bodied locks that have its devotees heralding it as "Viagra for hair." $85 USD will buy a treatment. I dunno, I think you could visit any local farm, and by exercising some elbow muscles, get the same result for free.
No? Too much? Well, so is $80 for volume, I think I'll stick with these.
Ant Body Wash - Japan
This is somehow worse than the bull sperm. A refreshing and energy-giving wash. Ants contain high levels of formic acid, which is energy-giving. In fact, you’ll find that in some cultures, ants are part of a daily diet.
The Natural Expired Fruits Acids help remove dead skin and oil residues.
According to the web site, this body wash will awaken the senses and provide an overall feeling of balance. It's also perfect for people with oily skin or sluggish metabolisms. See those ants marching through your kitchen? They’re not the enemy after all.
Use them to wash your hair, a shower scrub, or even as a bath soak. 75 grams of post-RAID goodness for only $15 USD. Source: Edible.com
I wonder if I pick up some of these bad boys, it'll help create the "glow" process.
Hot Buttered V-JayJays - Ethiopia
There is a little-known practice found in Ethiopian salons. Women are given a 45-minute massage head to toe, using butter as the massaging medium. Butter is also applied everywhere, from toe to scalp. Plastic bags are put over the hands and feet, and the guest is given a large chunk of butter to spread over her lady parts.
Then she is led to a room with a long row of toilets and smoke holes.
The woman sits on the toilet with her legs as far apart as possible, with her hoo-ha positioned over the smoke hole. Three heavy blankets are thrown over her so that no smoke escapes. And she'll sit like that until all of the butter is melted, and she has become a giant, steaming yam.
The idea is to tighten up the vaginal muscles post-pregnancy, and perhaps your partner prefers butter on their muffins. No word on cost, except some modesty, dignity, and several tubs of Blue Bonnet.
It's an honorable effort that you might call crazy, but here in America, we have been known to vajazzle and tell.
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