The 13 Most Historically Important Perverts of All Time People
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The 13 Most Historically Important Perverts of All Time

These are some of the most influential, famous and historically important human beings of all time (who also happened to be huge, shameless perverts and/or sexual deviants.) Sure they were all a little predatory, but we wouldn't be where we are without these forward-thinking men who, in modern day, would have red dot above their house in a government database.

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    Marquis De Sade

    Marquis De Sade was a French aristocrat, revolutionary, and writer. He's most famous for being a rat bitched and bringing porn/sex to people in a time where showing off your ankles was s**tty.

    Marquis de Sade became famous for his libertine sexuality and lifestyle (ie, a person without moral restraint, free thinkers, like people in the 60s only less happy), but mostly for his erotic and pornographic novels.

    He also contributed to the "sex industry", leaving the world with the practice of S&M. That's right, everyone, the man invented S&M. How? Well, first of all, it's NAMED after him.

    The term, "Sadism", is based on Marquis de SADe: the idea of developing pleasure as a result of inflicting pain. "Masochism" is first seen in some of De Sade's more Gothic-inclined sexual novels, where, for example, the female character is bound and tormented, but also fondled, and develops a kind of attraction to her tormentors. It's basically torture porn (only not directed by one-trick pony Hollywood directors.)

    Sade's sexual tales began with an affair with his wife's sister, imprisoning a so-called prostitute for sexual pleasure and abuse (she escaped from the second floor window and ran away ... possible idea for a Disney film? Title: "Rapunzel"...), and poisoning 2 manservants with the Spanish Fly aphrodisiac (even though African Fly is actually stronger, newb. What?)

    Being the good wife that she was, Sade's wife then joined as his accomplice in hoarding sexual slaves and staffed the castle with young "employees" of both genders for Sade's pleasure.

    That's how this guy rolled and why he's at the top of this list. The guy didn't have a Sex Dungeon, he had a freakin' Sex CASTLE.

    During his life, Sade was in prison or the insane asylum for 32 years, though, due to his prolific writing and sexual deviance.

    Napoleon Bonaparte (another pervert who used to write to his mistress long poetry about her pubic hair, no foolin') ordered the final arrest of Sade, but the libertine was able to score one more affair with a 13-year old for 4 years before he passed on in 1814. He laughs at Chris Hansen from his grave.

    Notably, he was in the insane asylum at the time, which would 100% make him win the "weirdest place you've made whoopie" game at your local baby shower.

    Sade's main goal in his writings was to create "the most impure tale that has ever been written since the world exists." Not bad for his time.

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    Aleister Crowley

    Aleister Crowley was a British writer, prophet and magician, though not quite the bunny-in-a-hat type that most people love. The real kind. The kind that does a lot of drugs, doesn't shower and has sex with people as part of his religion.

    He was a well-known occultist. As prophet of his new religion, Crowley developed Thelema, a polytheistic religion that ushered in the belief that its followers should follow their own "True Will" and neglect their ego.

    Basically he was a famous almost-real-life-warlock who stirred up a bunch of people at a time when it was relatively easy to stir people up.

    Apparently, the faith parallels that idea that the (at the time) new 20th century would usher in a new ethical code that would be followed as the beginning of the Aeon of Horus: "Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law".

    FUN FACT: His magik-"stuff" is the basis of the plot of "Sherlock Holmes" (the Robert Downey Jr. one.)

    Crowley not only founded a religion based on magik, he also founded something called "Sexual Magic" (no, this wasn't discovered by the Red Hot Chili Peppers or Sting), which is basically just using orgasms and/or arousal (and sometimes fluids) as parts of a spell. That's the class that Hogwarts doesn't teach until the last year.

    Here are some great quotes of his on Sexual Magic, and how best to go about it (take out your pens and pads!):
    - In the "New Comment" to The Book of the Law, "the Beast 666 adviseth that all children shall be accustomed from infancy to witness every type of sexual act, as also the process of birth, lest falsehood fog, and mystery stupefy, their minds.

    Translation: all kids should see every kind of sexual act as soon as they get control of their motor skills. They also have to witness a birth. Never lie to your kids (so no Santa Claus, I guess).

    - "... Politeness has forbidden any direct reference to the subject of sex to secure no happier result than to allow Sigmund Freud and others to prove that our every thought, speech, and gesture, conscious or unconscious, is an indirect reference!"

    Everyone have sex whenever you want, do what feels right. Go nuts, kids, and in about 70 years listen to KISS.

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    Freud is the founder of psychiatry and the initiator of the "Talking Cure" (aka, $300/hour for a person who won't chew your head off if you don't shut up about your life). He identified the study of psychoanalysis, bringing forth repressed thoughts and feelings into consciousness. Oh, and he recommended a great antidepressant: cocaine. He also believes we all want to bang our parents and, for some reason, smoke penises.

    He broke down the psyche into three components of personality: the Id ("pleasure principle", wants us to bang everything), the Ego ("reality principle"), and the SuperEgo (the aim for perfection, mainly unconscious and contains the person's "ego ideals" aka the conscience).

    Freud admittedly had sexual feelings for his mother and his following work/research, although extremely useful and revolutionary, was basically one big, long "am I right guys? No? But what if..."

    Obviously, this turned into excellent research material, where Freud conceived the "Psychosexual Theory", identifying 5 key stages of libido development.

    Yes, the libido begins developing at birth. After all, according to Freud, infants are primitive sexual beings. The stages of development are aptly titled the Oral, Anal, Phallic, Latency, and Genital stages. As part of the Phallic phase, Freud "uncovers" the subconscious sexual attachment children have to the parent of the opposite sex. Naturally, this leads to jealousy and a host of other emotional issues, which then contribute to repressed memories and feelings, ultimately driving up the cost and time of "talking cure" sessions.

    Of course, Freud never tested his theory on babies himself, but did use the findings of his adult patients' psychoanalysis to uncover these "truths".

    "Hey, so uh, pretty sexy kid ya got there, mind if I ask you a few questions?..."

    When asked about sexual perverts, Freud identifies his own father for his sexual perversion and contribution to his brother's hysteria (aka mentally insane).

    "I learned it from watching YOU!"

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    James Joyce was an author responsible for seminal works like a Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man, Dubliners, Ulysses, and Finnegan's Wake. He's one of the greatest English writers of all time. He's one of those authors that screamo bands name themselves after because they just learned about him in AP English class. He's that good.

    He is one of the most remembered figures of the Modernist movement and helped usher in a new way of writing language. His writings experimented with structure in ways that have never done before and changed the way people read words. He had a chapter with five letters in it. Nobody'd done that before.

    He is responsible for some of literature's greatest moments and has taken people to new places and emotions they've never felt before. He proves that words never die.

    Well, for one thing, he liked to fart on people's faces while having sex (and no, he wasn't Canadian). He even wrote really passionate letters about it. Check it out right here.

    A few favorite fart quotes:
    " if a gave you a bigger stronger f**k than usual, fat dirty farts came spluttering out of your backside. You had an asse full of farts that night, darling, and I f**ked them out of you, big fat fellows, long windy ones, quick little merry cracks and a lot of tiny little naughty farties ending in a long gush from your hole."

    We are not kidding. These are real quotes from one of literature's greatest voices.

    "It is wonderful to f**k a farting woman when every f**k drives one out of her. I think I would know Nora's fart anywhere. I think I could pick hers out in a roomful of farting women. It is a rather girlish noise not like the wet windy fart which I imagine fat wives have. It is sudden and dry and dirty like what a bold girl would let off in fun in a school dormitory at night. I hope Nora will let off no end of her farts in my face so that I may know their smell also."

    Needless to say, to all high school undergrads, you finally have English essay material. And now I say, "Goodnight, my little farting Nora, my dirty little f**kbird!" You don't see that quoted on Barnes & Noble billboards.

    EDIT MADE: Thanks to everyone in the comments for your help. I can't believe I did that!

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    Henry the 8th

    King of England from 1509 to 1547. Much like most guys that look like Kevin James in King of Queens, he was married 6 times. He separated the Church of England from the Roman Catholic Church. Dissolved the monasteries. Oversaw the legal union of England and Wales. Banged all kinds of chicks constantly and did it with the blessing and permission of each and every one of them (even if they didn't know it) because he was the king. He was underwhelmed.

    Without a very distinctive name (Henry, the 8th), he is quite possibly most famous for his dissatisfaction with marriage (married 6 times). Or, perhaps for the fact that he became grossly obese and developed pus-filled boils all over his body prior to his passing. Or because was known for taking breakups worse than most female leads of romantic comedies.

    Quite possibly the most popular historical figure who was constantly dissatisfied sexually, he either had the worst possible dumping method or found the greatest excuse in history to keep sampling women like they were 4 different kinds of sausages at CostCo.

    Never satisfied with any of his wives, Henry VIII ordered them to death if they could not produce a male heir.

    He went through 6 wives (and countless other women, according to HBO) and was never reprimanded for being such a scoundrel. He's quite possibly the only sex-crazed historical pervert on this list that was revered for his perviness.

    Henry died from obesity and pus-filled boils that covered his body. It was not lupus.

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    I just lost a bet, he's not a vampire. Caligula was once a Roman Emperor, his name being a nickname that means "little soldier’s boot." And that’s not the only booty associated with him. See what I did there? You're welcome.

    Being Roman Emperor near the beginning of time, from 37 to 41 AD. That’s right, no four digits. This guy is old school. He succeeded Tiberius as Emperor, immediately making him loved. Because he wasn’t Tiberius, who reportedly was a gloomy, sad man who ended his reign in complete terror [insert Bush joke]. So for the first seven months, his empire was joyous. Because he wasn’t Tiberius.

    Because he was friggin’ Caligula.

    Apparently bored all the time as presiding Emperor, he killed on a mere whim since video games hadn't been invented yet and once ordered a crowd to be tossed to the lion’s pit because he was bored.

    And when not satisfying his thirst for killing, he slept around, made fun of people below his stature and indulged in countless accounts of sex.

    He converted a palace into a brothel, a brothel (eat THAT Gandhi, sex castle? Sex PALACE) staffed by the wives of Senators, which is what I would do if I were Obama.

    It’s no surprise that he died after only four years of rule via assassination by, you guessed it, The Senate.

    He also, apparently, looked like Joshua Jackson.

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    An engineer. A famous one. Why, you ask? Oh not yet?...

    His work helped usher in space travel and the rocket age. He might be considered the very first rocket scientist. A mathematical genius, he perfected the power of thrust in MULTIPLE areas of his life.

    To put it shortly, he became involved in a cult initiated by Aleister Crowley.

    As head of the so-called Agape Lodge, he pioneered not only rocketeering, but the Babalon Working: a ritual meant to produce an incarnation of the goddess Babalon. The rituals involved a heavy use of sex magick and Parsons must have gone through a lot of women to find his goddess. It was presided over by L. Ron Hubbard, the founder of Scientology who acted as a scribe before his prophet days.

    Soon he met Marjorie Cameron and deemed her the product of previous rituals. They even tried to produce a Moonchild together though sex magick, or as most people call it "had sex".

    Reports say the child is pale, has a round face and a horrible, horrible complexion.

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    An 18th century philosopher who helped form the modern political, sociological, and educational thought.

    He's responsible for a lot of stuff you learn in college and then forget all about until you're trying to retroactively figure out philosophical themes on Lost. Here are some teachings of his you probably won't forget...

    He wrote an autobiography (without a Snooki-style ghost writer) and revealed his need to be spanked to reach sexual arousal.

    "He who loves well, punishes well." Further more, he reveals that this indiscretion started off in childhood when he was spanked hard by his headmistress and he knew then he felt more affection than fear of her hand.

    No word yet on whether or not he invented the word "fanny". But it's pretty important, psychologically according to another pervert on this list, to factor in that one of the foremost philosophical thinkers of all time liked to get his paddlin' on.

    This excerpt from a book about his life explains in wordier, fancy-written detail. . But all you need to do is look at his portrait and his stare. Even the painter could sense this was a dude that when he laughed to himself, you just didn't ask.

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    Just some Austrian classical composer who wrote A Little Night Music, Symphony no. 40, and the Requiem.

    Yeah, good question. Besides being one of the most revered classical composers of all time and one of the most important musical human beings in history, he really didn't do very much.

    Just take a look at the rest of his sterling repertoire and you’ll find one particular unsung gem, Leck mir den Arsch fein recht schön sauber (translation: Lick me in the ass nice and clean). That's right, he wrote a song pre-dating Ludacris that gets this dirty. If this would have been written today it would've been called Lick My Ass (Nice and Clean) featuring 'Lil Wayne.

    Really that says it all. Guess the movie Amadeus was right in showing Mozart as an Austrian Bart Simpson with a high off coke laugh. Check the video to your left to hear the classical piece. Lyrics are below. This is actually not a joke.

    Lick my ass nicely,
    lick it nice and clean,
    nice and clean, lick my ass.
    That's a greasy desire,
    nicely buttered,
    like the licking of roast meat, my daily activity.
    Three will lick more than two,
    come on, just try it,
    and lick, lick, lick.
    Everybody lick his own ass himself (which 'cmon, maybe this was about a dog...)

    Either way, it was a damn perverted song for one of the greatest musical minds in human history and either way, I dare you to play this at your wedding. It’s all in German so no one will know what they’re saying, unless you're German.

    Notice how all the voices are male.

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    The Captain America of being smart. Scientist extraordinaire.

    Oh, just because he was appointed Time’s Man of the Century and he is considered the father of modern physics and perhaps the greatest scientist ever. His dedication to advancing the pursuit of science was so focused, he even donated his brain to science for research after his death before it was a thing and people got those stickers on their drivers licenses.

    His fist love was science and since science can’t really offer any sexual relief, well.... It started off sad...

    He spent a long time almost marrying someone he knocked up and when it finally happened, he developed feelings for his cousin. Who he then left for his secretary. Who he then left for... basically, the guy got around. We wouldn't use him as a measuring rod for intelligence if he couldn't close the deal every now and then.

    He basically slept around until he blew a gasket and finally confessed to being "an emotional failure", he was basically like Helena Bonham Carter's character in Fight Club.

  12. 12

    Founder of Latter Day Saints. Advocate for institutionalizing polygamy into his very own branch of Christianity. (Co?)Writer of the Book of Mormon.

    He is considered a prophet for the Mormon church. Oh, and the multiple wives thing, he kinda pioneered that in America. But, there is a debate between LDS that Joseph Smith didn't introduce polygamy, Brigham Young did. Either way, this guy made it part of Christianity.

    Let's see... the man had about 28 wives in his lifetime, claimed a revelation from God instructing him to gain plural wives (after asking consent from his first wife, naturally) in order to gain higher ranking in God's kingdom.

    EXP points = Wives, apparently. He made the amount of chicks you could fit into one bed at the same time a contest that happens during a CHRISTIAN religion.

    Oh, and his other revelation included the necessity of the Saints to take on native wives (ie, Native Americans) so they could become "white and delightsome" through plural marriage because he was an equal opportunity pervert, looking to diversify his herum.

  13. 13

    WHO IS HE?
    It’s Benjamin Franklin. If you don’t know who he is, then go f**k yourself.

    Beside being responsible for bringing us such phrases as "breaking out the Benjamins", he was one of the Founding Fathers of the United States, Franklin was deemed the First American with his colorful accomplishments: including strengthening US ties with foreign nations as ambassador, inventing the kite and furthering knowledge about electricity, spearheading the US Post Office as its first post-master general, and he also put his signature is on the Declaration of Independence as well as the Constitution of the United States.

    He liked old women as mistresses. He was really into it. He also got around quite a bit and was pretty darn liberal for his time.

    From this letter, Franklin describes in detail to his friend why he should pick old ladies over younger ones should he choose to engage in adultery.

    The entire time, he still vows that marriage is a much more positive and beneficial union, but he offers no reasoning and instead offers proof on why old women are sexy, like this:

    "Because thro' more Experience, they are more prudent and discreet in conducting an Intrigue to prevent Suspicion"

    "only what is below the Girdle, it is impossible of two Women to know an old from a young one."

    This quote basically lets you know that he was a pimp daddy with women of all ages, but preferred his women with experience and cooking skills.

    Now how is this perverted? Although this seems fairly tame, at the time he was quite lascivious, as far as the forefathers went. Constantly chasing after women and even fathering an illegitimate son named William (who later became a governor of New Jersey). Even though it violated one of his virtues, Ben Franklin got around a bit (which really, should give all of us hope.)

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