Grandma Got Run Over by a ReindeerOkay, sure, this is meant to be somewhat whimsical, but think of the visual: a kind, wonderful, loving old woman is walking home on Christmas Eve, and then gets run over by a reindeer. That's tragic!
And this is when the story gets horrible.
"Grandma got run over by a reindeer.
Walking home from our house Christmas eve.
You can say there's no such thing as Santa,
But as for me and grandpa we believe."
So Grandma died and reindeer killed her? But reindeer fly, so how did they run her over? This song brings up a whole bunch of logistical questions.
This song, by the way, after studying this last phrase, fits perfectly into Christmas because of the Christian value of if you don't believe in Jesus, you can go and rot in hell. Grandma didn't believe in Santa Claus, so if she dies, nobody cares.
I mean, check this out:
"When we found her Christmas morning,
At the scene of the attack,
She had hoof-prints on her forehead,
And incriminating Claus marks on her back."
So, it was a murder. This song is about a murder. This song is about the most kind, benevolent fictional character of all time that spends his entire life making and delivering toys to children taking time out of his schedule to murder an old woman (who isn't even part of his target audience).
"Now were all so proud of Grandpa
He's been takin' this so well
See him in there watchin' football
Drinkin' root beer and playin' cards with cousin Belle"
So grandpa's just fine with this, apparently. He's taking the death of the woman he just spent his entire life building a family with so well that he just goes back to watching football and playing cards?
Did grandpa pay off Santa Claus and the reindeer?
The concept of Santa Claus moonlighting as an assassin for hire is not only terrifying because of his supernatural powers of light speed and work ethic, but because he can see us when we're sleeping, and we're awake.
All of us. He's like a fat, bearded, murderous God, ready to kill us all if we stop believing in him.
This is terrifying.
Santa Claus Is Coming To TownSpeaking of which...
"He sees you when you're sleeping
He knows when you're awake
He knows if you've been bad or good
So be good for goodness sake!
O! You better watch out!
You better not cry
Better not pout
I'm telling you why
Santa Claus is coming to town"
This sounds like a threat. This entire song is a threat.
and Santa does sound a little too focused on watching little kids and this all sounds very threatening, what exactly is going to happen to kids when Santa comes to town?
Sure, it's easy to jump to the more obvious conclusions like this one...
He's what to town?!
But what really makes this song disturbing lies in the fact that there's an everpresent being watching children 24/7, and that if they screw up once, even once then they don't get to enjoy what is easily the most joyous season of the year in the West with the rest of the world.
If you don't live by this weird, fat, bearded guy's rules, you have nothing but coal, trauma, alienation and social exclusion to look forward to during the holidays.
Why do we even need God if we have Santa Claus? If you piss Santa off you don't get Skyrim for Christmas.
Santa BabyEartha Kitt sang the original version of this song in 1953. It's the sexiest Christmas song, but operates under the guise of what is basically a proposition for prostitution.
We've already seen Santa take money for murder on this list, and in this song, we assume he can be bought with sex.
A good piece of advice for guys would be to ask a girl they like what her favorite Christmas song is. If it's Santa Baby, then find a new girl.
This song is about a gold digger. Literally. She asks for a platinum mine in this song, and that's before she asks for something from Tiffany's. A WHOLE MINE. And then she wants more. This is the greediest person alive and she's willing to bang the sh*t out of Santa Claus to get whatever she wants.
Yachts, a deed to the house, a duplex and checks as stocking stuffers?
Jesus. If this song doesn't scare the mothers of little girls, it should scare the absolute living hell out of all and any guys.
12 Days Of ChristmasFirst of all, there are only two days of Christmas, Christmas Eve and Christmas Day there are not 12.
If your true love is sending you a total of 23 birds, 49 people, and 5 golden rings you may want to consider finding a new true love because this one is involved in black market dealings or is one of those brash, irresponsible billionaires who'll most likely get you killed by the end of the year.
The Christmas ShoesThis may be the worst song ever written in the history of holiday songs (which is actually kind of a long history). This is just torture. This song is about a guy buying last minute gifts and he's waiting in line behind some kid who says:
"Sir, I want to buy these shoes for my Mama, please
It's Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size
Could you hurry, sir, Daddy says there's not much time
You see she's been sick for quite a while
And I know these shoes would make her smile
And I want her to look beautiful if Mama meets Jesus tonight"
Are you kidding? This kid is out on Christmas Eve buying shoes for his mother who's going to die on Christmas. Where the hell is the father and why isn't he buying the shoes?
Then it gets even better:
"He counted pennies for what seemed like years
Then the cashier said, "Son, there's not enough here"
He searched his pockets frantically
Then he turned and he looked at me
He said Mama made Christmas good at our house
Though most years she just did without
Tell me Sir, what am I going to do,
Somehow I've got to buy her these Christmas shoes"
He doesn't have enough?! Are they serious?!
If you're not crying by this point just wait because a choir of small children then begin to sing the chorus. If that's not enough, it then goes into a single child singing with just a piano.
The real tragedy in the song, though, lies in the fact that this is a song you can hear at Macy's, and it's one that chronicles a child with a dying mother who's out committing a gesture well beyond his means in order to see his mother smile just one more time before she passes.
This is what people are singing.
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