- the list
Shootout Over Raised Beefy Crunch Burrito PriceThe Beefy Crunch Burrito is a thing of beauty. It's an enigmatic creamy sauce, with a cheese-type sauce, rice, ground "beef", and f*ckin Fritos in it. Spicy Fritos. It's like what you used to do with your Doritos/Sandwiches as a child, only in burrito form. Surely, a sign that we, as a species, are evolving correctly.
So when one guy realized that this tasty treat from hell had gone up from a clean 99 cents, to $1.49, his head almost exploded.
He was so upset, in fact, that he decided it was a good idea (and that the Taco Bell corporation would change the price back down to the totally-fair-just-because-I-mean-c'mon price of 99 cents) to shoot an air gun at the manager. But when this wasn't enough, the man decided to take it up a notch by brandishing his semiautomatic assault rifle and pistol while in the Taco Bell parking lot (like ya do).
The police were, of course, called and chased the man while he fled the scene. Three police officers exchanged gunfire with him (yes, they risked their lives over this) and chased him down to the hotel where he was staying.
The man then barricaded himself in his hotel room and held strong there until he was eventually arrested.
All over $3.50 plus tax.
Tamale Chef Kills, Cooks FriendTaking a page out of a Tales from the Crypt episode, or any 80's horror movie you can name, Carlos Machuca, a 56 year old man who made tamales for a living was arrested in his home after an anonymous phone call was made to the police.
When they arrived at his house, other than the corn husks, fresh maize and homemade marinade set to just the right ratios/proportions for perfect tamales, they found the dead, mutilated corpse of an unidentified man in his living room. Not in a cellar, not in the fridge in various parts, and no, not even below the house or buried in a nearby yard, but in his living room. Much like most people on this list, this just guy sucks at crime.
So apparently, after a night of hard drinking, Machuca and a friend of his had been fighting. Machuca stabbed the other man through the heart, chopped him up, then started putting his flesh into tamales to sell to customers which, admittedly, is a pretty solid plan to dispose of a body.
He was caught and it is unknown how many people inadvertently ate the most extremely literal Mexican food anybody has ever had.
The Carne Asada KillerThe victim of a Latino male was found in May of 2010 on Dairy Road, El Capitan Resevoir in San Diego. Asphyxiation was the cause of death and a plastic bag was the weapon used.
This was just the second in a string of murders in 2010 that seemed to be completely unrelated except for one calling card: a half eaten burrito taped to the forearm of the victim. The killer was then dubbed, of course, The Carne Asada Killer (which is kind of a misleading name, since it sounds like he killed carne asada burritos when he, disappointingly, only ever finished half of them).
Despite how hilarious this sounds, the scene was described by a Sheriff's department spokeperson as follows:
Post-mortem, a spear-like metal bar had been thrust through the neck, severing the cartid artery, spilling blood all ove rthe body. The body had been hung from a tree with a large steel chain. The left arm had been dismembered with an axe-like object, exposing bone and ligaments were hanging down like rubber bands, and viscous bursa fluid pus had bubbled up and gelled down the side of the torso like syrup. It was quite disgusting with fallen leaves and bird dropping stuck in the smelly fluid.
Oh and also the burrito. There was also the burrito.
The carne asada killer was never caught.
Naked Nacho Man Arrested for Being Naked, Eating NachosWho else has "Macho Man" by the village people stuck in their head after reading that headline?
So, a man decided to spend his 23rd birthday running naked and covered in nacho cheese, being charged guilty of burglary and four other charges for the night. THIS, friends, is how you spend a birthday.
Michael David Monn pleaded guilty to burglary, theft, vandalism, indecent exposure and public intoxication. He was sentenced to three years in prison, but was allowed supervised probation. If he stays out of trouble for the next three years (which he did, as this all happened in 2005), the charges were to have been completely expunged from his record.
"[He] was highly intoxicated, broke into the John Sevier Pool snack bar area, stole some snacks and did some damage and was caught naked with some stolen snacks,"
A police officer found him the morning after in the parking lot of the pool after Monn had scaled an 8 ft. fence and was seen running toward a Jeep with a box of stolen snacks and a container of nacho cheese, which he then poured over himself.
He had nacho cheese in his hair, face, shoulders and arms. He had a strong odor of alcohol and was semi-incoherent, according to police.
In his Jeep, the officers of the town of Maryville found clothing and an open bottle of vodka. Because why the hell not.
Man Fire Bombs Taco Bell Over Not Enough MeatIn October of 2011, an insane mane who takes his Mexican food way too seriously decided to get an XXL Chalupa. Now, you might say that a taco consisting of an oversized multi-fried tortilla, excess amounts of almost-meat and a year's worth of sour cream would be enough to satisfy a man, despite its meat content, but a customer at one particular Taco Bell in Georgia believed otherwise.
He got home, opened up his $3 chalupa, and decided he hadn't received enough meat in it. So he then decided he'd do what most of us wouldn't: he went back to the restaurant and asked for more meat. The manager at the restaurant told him that he was sorry, but they were closed.
The man then used a racial slur and then threatened to "re-decorate the place". Which is awesome. What kind of person that watches that many action movies decides to actually bring one-liners into real life? This guy did.
"That's alright, I'll just come and re-decorate the place"
So a little while later, the staff employees at the drive-thru could smell gasoline and then realized there was a full-fledged fire outside their restaurant.
Possible one-liners that were suspected he used after setting the fire:
"Looks like you just added flame-grilled you to the menu"
"Yo quiero taco fuego"
and, of course, "Looks like that chalupa I ordered was a little... hot"
The man was never found due to the poor quality of the security feed.
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