Fox News Hears About Aliens, Sees Dollar Signs, Says Sure
After that last article I wrote about TV channels that don't do what they say, I noticed that some idiots in the comment section got a little bit rambunctious* about the inclusion of Fox News. I realize that I may have offended some people, and that maybe I need to up the ante on my research, so I scoured the depths of the Internet to see if I could find some shred of evidence that they are a legitimate news organization. Instead, I found this article from 2011 claiming that aliens are real.
Of course the story is nonsense, and your first hint should've been the people reporting it. Dr. Hoover, the scientist in question, has basically been on an alien-discovering-bender since at least 2004, when he claimed to have discovered the very same alien. In 2007, he made another claim about – wait, no. It's the exact same claim, the one that had already been debunked. Given this guy's ego, total inability to learn from mistakes, and obsessive faith in ideas that anyone with a third grade education knows is total nonsense, it looks like Dr. Hoover is the Fox News of science.
Frankly, Fox should've been a little suspicious when someone was offering to give them an exclusive on a science story, when they're forte has always been profiting from the racism of their audience.
*I'm just kidding, of course. I don't read the f--king comment section.
NASA STS-75 Tether Incidentv
In February of 1996, while you and your ilk were listening to your grunge music and waving your hair around like you didn't care and not showering and having lots of awesome sex, some of us were at work. Space work.
Okay so, I say "us," but I really mean "other people," because I was right there with you guys and the not showering. But miles above us, in space, NASA was experimenting with different techniques for generating electricity using Earth's gravitational field, and in the middle of one of those experiments this video was shot.
Now if you watched that, I'm sorry, because it's pretty goddamn boring. But if you watched it while being an idiot, then hey! Aliens! Right? Did you see the aliens?
Do you see the goddamn aliens?
Of course you don't, they're just bits of ice and fishing line. If you need a video to explain that to you, then here you go.
The Face on the Surface of Mars
In 2004 when the Mars Rover sent back a bunch of pictures of Mars, some people claimed to have seen some Martian Tools and even a model of a face:
Of course, you probably see it too – I sure do. The concept is called "pareidolia," and it's the psychological phenomenon where people project images they're familiar (particularly faces) with over anything that even vaguely resembles it.
Later images showed that the details of the face were just a strange coincidence with lighting and shadows.
UFO Missile Launchv
While serving the United States Air Force as Officer in Charge of Optical Instrumentation in 1964, Professor Bob Jacobs and a few other members of the military were overseeing a ballistic missile test in California, when something they couldn't identify appeared and using a "plasma laser," knocked the missile out of the sky. According to them, they were asked to keep quiet about the event and did so for 18 years before finally appearing on "Larry King Live" to discuss the incident.
Unfortunately, on the opposite side of this debate was none-other than Bill Nye, the Science Guy.
The Lord of the Dance.
In this ten minute segment, Nye fights through the over-sensitive rationalizing of the UFO believers and Larry King's controversial "I am a crazy person" interviewing style to lend a skeptic's eye to the whole situation, while Bob Jacobs continually reminds the viewers that he has a PhD. He also calls Nye "pal" a lot.
In the end, no one objectively comes out on top (unless you already have strong opinions on whether UFOs exist, you're not going to be convinced by either side's argument for this specific incident), but I'm gonna go ahead and call Nye the winner here because he's the only person talking who doesn't come off as a senile prick.
Oh, and Jacobs' PhD? It's in Dramatic Art.
The Dead Russian Alien
In 2011 in Siberia, a man showed a video to a local newspaper that he claimed to show the recently deceased body of an alien. The video promptly went viral, and the police were brought in to investigate.
Of course, as you have probably already assumed, it was quickly discovered to be fake: the alien corpse was actually just chicken skin stuffed with bread. But on the other hand, the youtube commenters seem convinced that this is actually real, so I just don't know what to believe anymore.
When Billy Meier was just five years old, he encountered aliens for the first time: a Pleiadian named Sfath guided him for eleven years, explaining various mysteries of life until he died and was replaced by a woman named Asket. Later, Billy met Aemjase, the granddaughter of Sfath, who began warning Billy of an impending World War 3.
This is what Billy looks like, by the way.
To be fair, these aren't just aliens – they're time traveling aliens. Pleidians come from the Pljares star system that only exists one fraction of a second in the future. Also, Jesus is a Pleidian, which explains a lot, huh? This story is kinda my favorite.
Apollo 20 Moon Landingv
One of the most enduring conspiracy theories in American culture is of Apollo 20, a supposed last moon mission that, by some accounts, was a joint mission between the US and the USSR that launched with an experimental version of the Saturn rocket that, upon reaching the moon, discovered an alien spaceship filled with alien corpses because hell, at this point the people talking aren't even listening to themselves.
Here's a link about how it's all fake.
Alien Signals from Jupiter
Back in the 1980s, a bunch of people claimed to have heard a signal coming the planet just behind Mars. Since this wasn't a planet that showed up in science fiction regularly, people were immediately confused. If this were a hoax, it probably would've taken more than five minutes to set up, making it the most thoroughly thought-out hoax on this list so far.
Which is exactly what it is. "Dr." Jusy Faltskog's fake radio signal from space generated enough excitement to even get the attention of then-president Ronald Reagan (though to be fair most sources just say that he was "notified" and that's not terribly specific, as I imagine presidents get notified about lots of stuff).
Everything was eventually debunked by real scientists.
In January of 2011, some folks in Jerusalem caught on camera an alien hoax that happened to look exactly like what everyone imagines an alien hoax would look like. But what's impressive about this one is that it manages to catch the same image from at least three different angles, which is significantly harder to fake.
Unfortunately, there are a few problems: the first is that all the videos were posted on Youtube anonymously. The second is that these videos are the only reports of this particular sighting. Finally, there is significant evidence that the film went through video editing software before it appeared on the Internet.
The Hottel Memo
In 2011, several news sites touted a "newly revealed" FBI Memo that showed that "police and army officers saw a UFO explode over New Mexico."
Unfortunately, the document was neither legitimate nor newly revealed – it was part of a hoax that had been revealed more than fifty years ago. A hoax that pretty much went exactly as you'd expect it to, basically:
"We totally saw aliens."
"No you didn't."
"You're right. We're sorry."
NASA's Arsenic Eating Microbes
Back in 2010, a NASA scientist published a paper called "A Bacterium That Can Grow By Using Arsenic Instead of Phosphorus." This took the community by storm because it totally changes our understanding of life. So far, every living thing scientists have encountered uses phosphorous in the backbone of its DNA, but if a living thing had a different element there it would mean that life was possible in a bunch of places that we had never even considered before.
Sadly, some other scientists quickly showed up to explain how bad the science is, and the story vanished.
The London Olympics Alienv
God, I just love you, DailyMail.co.uk. You're the gift that keeps on giving.
This hoax, surrounding the London 2012 Olympics, seems to have a few different version. The Daily Mail's UFO expert, linked above, claimed that a UFO was likely to appear above the opening ceremony because it is a "mass summer event," and doesn't really explain beyond that. Others claimed that an Alien hoax was certain to appear, and that it would signify the crowning of a new Illuminati King.
I know hindsight is twenty-twenty, but I'm pretty sure that since none of this happened we're pretty safe. Oh, wait, there totally were aliens at the olympics? My bad, you guys.
And Of Course, The Alien Autopsy Hoaxv
This is it: the mother-hoax. The most famous alien hoax of all time: the Alien Autopsy. Despite the fact that the little details give this away (the "surgeon" holds the scissors like a tailor instead of like a pathologist), it's still a pretty majestic piece of film-making, and if you can get over your anger at the fact that someone is trying to trick you and just enjoy a good piece of fun, you should check it out:
Oh, and I bet those Fox News Acolytes I pissed off in the first entry are rallying in the comment section, eh? Ten bucks says they didn't read far enough to see that I'm just being a troll.
L The List