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- 1+ 3- 3Clayfighter was a straight Street Fighter 2 rip off, but it used pseudo-claymation style graphics instead of your average pixelated, over-muscled heroes. Instead, we got nightmarish, clay versions of things like Frosty the Snowman (lazily named "Bad Mr. Frosty" -- who was cool looking, but slow), Blob and Taffy (you can imagine what each of these characters actually looks like).
The plot was, and yes, there is a "plot", that a clay meteor lands at a circus transforming all the performers into clay versions of themselves with super powers. That being said, I have never been to a circus where the main act was a snowman, but I digress.
For the time, the graphics were pretty "amazing". I remember looking at the box and thinking "woah, 3D games! Wicked!" (you were, also, not a cool kid.)
That coupled with pretty good controls and a catchy theme song makes this probably the best game on the list, which really, doesn't say a lot. Well, nothing positive, at least.
- 2+ 3- 3Based on a popular series in Japan, Variable Geo has a complex plot and many points of character development.
The basic plot is that there are a bunch of female fighters who are sponsored by local restaurants, where they work as waitresses on their time off between battles.
The "VG" here takes on a whole other meaning
As with most fighting games, there is a winner and a loser. Unlike most fighting games, though, when someone loses a match they run the risk of "being forced to commit an embarrassing (usually sexual) act in public, or they are raped/gang-raped by an unseen assailant or assailants.
So if you lose, you get gang-raped by the angry audience -- which, if you think about it, is a gaming paradigm that could fit pretty perfectly into Rock Band series. People would sure as hell be a lot better at playing those plastic guitars.
- 3+ 2- 2You might remember the catchphrase of Ballz: "To be the champion, you gotta have Ballz!".
Ok, you probably don't remember it. And you probably don't need ballz to be a champion. That's kind of sexist, come to think about it...
Ballz was a 2D fighting game that really tried to add that extra dimension. Graphically similar to Vectorman , Ballz used a bunch of spheres to simulate 3D. Just not well. At all.
The characters were interesting. You had a clown, a monkey, a bodybuilder etc. Since they were all strictly made up off shiny balls, you really couldn't tell the difference between them all. Just differing numbers of stuck-together balls, fighting to the ball-death.
You pretty much could get the same experience by having a clown make a few balloon animals for you and making them fight. At least then you'd get a surprise pop here and there and be able to feel some excitement.
Who thought of this? A really, really lazy designer, that's who. "So, uh, what do you guys want to do with all these character models? Like, what kind of game can we make out of these?" "F*ck it, let's just use these things and make them fight or something, people won't care." "What should we call it?" "I've got just the name... .
And yes, this is how video games are made.
- 4+ 2- 3Back when the graphics from "Lawnmower Man" were the most amazing thing that we had ever seen, "Rise" was released boasting the same type of graphics.
To be fair, it looked great at the time. The only problem was that its controls felt like you were driving a go cart in the Indy 500.
The basic premise was that an evil nano virus had made all the robots evil, except for one, and he has to save humanity by fighting other robots. Which doesn't make sense. Is one robot really stronger than every human ever, combined ?
It's not that weird, Spider-Man-y, naked-Blue-Man-Group-Member guy's fault that he wasn't turned evil. Also, if just this one guy can take on all those robots, why is he the strongest robot?
Either way, this game makes no sense except for the fact that it's a fighting game. A really slow, wannabe-revolutionary fighting game.
BONUS LAMENESS: The main boss's name: The Supervisor.
- 5+ 2- 3Yes, there was a fighting game based on the television show Xena Warrior Princess. Because at that point in pop culture entertainment, why the hell not?
The plot was the basic tournament to the death to get something powerful, thing.
Few things in the world inspired as much ridicule as owning this game did.
The most notable difference between this, and other fighters at the time was that it allowed up to 4 players fight at once instead of the normal 1 on 1.
Amorphous Muscle Mass 1 vs. Amorphous Muscle Mass 2: FIGHT!
It's just stupid that there was even anytime spent on this concept to begin with.
- 6+ 1- 2
Strip Fighter 2Pretty much a direct rip off of Street Fighter 2, you have almost the same graphics, music, heck, even the name sounds like it. Imagine Street Fighter, only that every character dresses as s**tily as Cammy.
This game seems to have only been made for two reasons.
1) People wanted to play as Blanka, but with even less clothes.
2) They wanted there too be a goal for winning other than the thrill of victory.
Let's address these two points.
The game characters are all women, so that should be a plus for the feminists out there that say that video games are only about men. Of course, they are all women who, when you perform a special move, flash their clothes off. So I guess that would be a step back or two or three.
Secondly, the point of the game seems to be to slowly undress a woman that shows up between fights.
Each round you win, she loses a layer of clothing.
Yes, this game turns out to be a fulfillment of my adolescent fantasy, Strip Video Games. (Though I did always think that it would be with a real woman, but this will do, I guess.)
One final thing I want to address with this game is the character of Amanda.On the selection screen she looks like this:
"I have to buy a new mask every time."
When you actually get to fight with her however, she looks like this:
She probably also lies about her weight in her online dating profile
This classic bait and switch should not go unpunished. So I submit the game to this list for some much-deserved ridicule.
- 7+ 1- 2
Chō Aniki: Bakuretsu Rantō HenChō Aniki is a game series from Japan that roughly translates as: Super Big Brothers, which is absolutely horrifying. The basic layout of the game is that you play as a super large, muscular dude in various states of undress that fights off other, equally flamboyant dudes who throw stuff like d***os at you.
What young child wouldn't want Cho Aniki to play with all his other friends?
Bakuretsu Rantō Hen is different from the other games in the series since it is purely a fighting game. The list of characters is what really makes this game insane.
You have Samson and Adon, the mostly naked muscle men who are the main characters from the other games.
Benten is a green haired girl flanked by 2 sexy cherubs.
Nothing sexier than baby bodies and man heads.
Then it gets weird.
Sabu is some sort of flying Elvis Presley pogoda ship.
"I'm all-a-lubed up, uh-uh huh..."
Adam is a naked guy riding around in the moon
"You guyth, I'm too tired to fight."
and then you have Mami 19, a flying battleship that is part female and piloted by 3 naked guys.
"You take starboard and we'll handle the port. God, help you.
The fighting is pretty straight forward, though you are flying so you aren't bothered by pesky gravity. What really makes this game a winner though is the special moves, and boy, are they special. For instance Samson not only sparkles and dances like a leather daddy at Fire Island, but he also can lay waste to his opponents with his, well, I can only imagine that they are farts.
Mami 19 gets help from her 3 naked men for devastating grapple moves, and Benten attacks with her babies -- like ya do.
All of this includes a level design that can only be described as "Tim Gunn's worst/best dream come true".
- 8+ 1- 2This game just falls under the "Why?" catagory, along with all the Mary Kate and Ashley mystery games.
Yes, they are always fighting anyway. Yes, they are cartoons and nothing is more fun than toon-on-toon violence, but seriously, there was just no reason for this game to get made.
It's like the show, only more work.
There really is no plot besides the whole, "They are cat and mouse and boy, do they not get along!" thing that these two have had going on since the 1940's.
Only one will remain.
You can play as the angry bulldog though... so that's a plus. Other than that, it's just two players. Tom fighting Jerry. Yep.
The worst part about this is that you know some poor kids got this game instead of Mortal Kombat or a new Street Fighter for Christmas one year. "This is the one you wanted, right honey?" "Yes, mom. This is the one." Yes, #firstworldproblelms, but when every single move that either character makes lets out an annoying "boing!" sound, you know you have a game that will lead to therapy 20 years down the road.
Also, they have life meters in this game. Are we supposed to be forcing Tom & Jerry to fight to the death once and for all in this game? Fail.