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- 1Made during the, "Let's put Shaq in EVERYTHING!" era, this game was probably the worst thing to ever happen to the Shaq brand. (And yes, I am including Shazam.)
Based on the classic Mortal Kombat format, the game featured a progression through a world where Shaq could hurt people with his magic flaming basketball which, if you're good enough at basketball, anyone can achieve.
Possibly the best thing about this game is the fact that Shaq towers over everyone, just like in real life. The worst thing about it? That it was made at all. The second worst part? Everything about the game.
Shaquille O'Neal casually wanders into a Kung Fu dojo on his way to a charity basketball game in Tokyo, Japan where, after speaking with a kung fu master, he stumbles into another dimension where he's got to rescue a boy named Nezu from an evil mummy. All of these things makes sense because the game is set in Asia. If you disrespectfully wander into a place of study of the martial arts, naturally the man with the highest level of skill will want to talk to you and then send you into another dimension to be a hero using only the main tool you use in your profession (only on fire). Duh.
This game could have been at least guilty-pleasure-worthy if it handled well, but Shaq's limbs are so long throughout every fight, that you're struggling with your basic depth perception, and have to get far away from your enemies just to hit them.
Shaq Fu is more insulting than the fact that somewhere, someone out there thought that this was a good idea for game.
- 2Based on a popular series in Japan, Variable Geo has a complex plot and many points of character development.
The basic plot is that there are a bunch of female fighters who are sponsored by local restaurants, where they work as waitresses on their time off between battles.
The "VG" here takes on a whole other meaning
As with most fighting games, there is a winner and a loser. Unlike most fighting games, though, when someone loses a match they run the risk of "being forced to commit an embarrassing (usually sexual) act in public, or they are raped/gang-raped by an unseen assailant or assailants.
So if you lose, you get gang-raped by the angry audience -- which, if you think about it, is a gaming paradigm that could fit pretty perfectly into Rock Band series. People would sure as hell be a lot better at playing those plastic guitars.
Buchigire Kongou: Battle Construction VehiclesRemember when you were a kid and you loved playing with Tonka trucks?
This game satisfies that need we all have of making a bulldozer and a crane fight each other.
Seriously, why not just get out and fight?
Was there a plot? Kind of. Did that plot involve a bunch of Japanese dudes getting pissed at each other and trying to settle their differences with violence using primarily the most inconvenient, unmovable and clumsy machines known to man? Yes.
Kongou is our main character. A young man who wants to live his life and refuses to follow in his father's footsteps.
"I don't want, your crane."
One day, Kongou is chased to the roof of a building in a construction vehicle, where he must fight another guy in, you guessed it, a construction vehicle. Kongou wins and decides he likes kicking ass while wasting gas, then sets out on a "journey" to recreate this absurd act, therefore creating one of the mos frustrating fighting games in the history of man.
- 4There have been many crappy Star Wars games out there, but this is the big daddy of them all. Arguably the worst, most tasteless and ill-conceived one.
Taking a page out of the parts of Soul Caliber that don't make sense, SW:MoTK is a standard fighting/weapons game. The big difference was that you could play as Darth Vader or Luke Skywalker in a fighting game for the first time ever !
Of course, it says a lot about a game when you would rather play as a Wookie rather than a Jedi. Seriously, if it ever came down to it, a Wookie wouldn't stand a chance against a Jedi. I mean, with the force and a lightsaber by their side, there's really no reason to let the Wookie win.
Seriously, though, if it really took several hits from a lightsaber to gently push a Tusken Raider off a platform, I would reconsider being part of the Jedi order altogether. Luke should be able to saw these guys in half at the blink of an eye.
The whole game is just conceptually absurd.
Because there's nothing that Tusken Raiders enjoy more than going 1-on-1 with Jedi in the middle of Hoth.
If you can play as a Jedi, it shouldn't be a tournament, it should be a slaughter!
Chō Aniki: Bakuretsu Rantō HenChō Aniki is a game series from Japan that roughly translates as: Super Big Brothers, which is absolutely horrifying. The basic layout of the game is that you play as a super large, muscular dude in various states of undress that fights off other, equally flamboyant dudes who throw stuff like d***os at you.
What young child wouldn't want Cho Aniki to play with all his other friends?
Bakuretsu Rantō Hen is different from the other games in the series since it is purely a fighting game. The list of characters is what really makes this game insane.
You have Samson and Adon, the mostly naked muscle men who are the main characters from the other games.
Benten is a green haired girl flanked by 2 sexy cherubs.
Nothing sexier than baby bodies and man heads.
Then it gets weird.
Sabu is some sort of flying Elvis Presley pogoda ship.
"I'm all-a-lubed up, uh-uh huh..."
Adam is a naked guy riding around in the moon
"You guyth, I'm too tired to fight."
and then you have Mami 19, a flying battleship that is part female and piloted by 3 naked guys.
"You take starboard and we'll handle the port. God, help you.
The fighting is pretty straight forward, though you are flying so you aren't bothered by pesky gravity. What really makes this game a winner though is the special moves, and boy, are they special. For instance Samson not only sparkles and dances like a leather daddy at Fire Island, but he also can lay waste to his opponents with his, well, I can only imagine that they are farts.
Mami 19 gets help from her 3 naked men for devastating grapple moves, and Benten attacks with her babies -- like ya do.
All of this includes a level design that can only be described as "Tim Gunn's worst/best dream come true".
- 6And in yet another way for perverts to manipulate hot chicks in the only way they'll ever be able to in real life, we get Bikini Karate Babes.
Because there's nothing more Karate than bikinis.
This game was basically a Dead or Alive game, only with the Mortal Kombat, real-human capture going for it.
There is no way around saying that this is just a Skin-e-max rip off of Mortal Kombat.
Shiny bikinis = battle gear for the new millenium
It features a full roster of, what I can only imagine are budding young actresses eager for their big break. (It wasn't this.)
Ugh. These look like the signs on that street in Tokyo that was awkward to walk down with my parents.
All the characters are digitized, like in Mortal Kombat, and the score is basically an elevator music version of the MK soundtrack.
There are some interesting differences though.
While they do have grapples and special moves, instead of it being a smooth graphic, the game designers chose to put in a jarring FMV cut scene of the girls performing the move.
"C'mon Nancy, you're too drunk for this, let's go home"
Also, while there are not fatalities in this, each of the girls have a fun touchdown dance that you could probably see at the cheesiest strip club in your town.
"Trust me, sweetheart, you're gonna be a star!"
All this being said, I think the game would have probably been better if it was designed with one-handed controls, as this is, sadly, what most people want to do with games like this.
(Please note that there was a sequel made too. Bikini Karate Babes 2: Warriors of Elysia. It is important that you know this, because if you talk about a game like Bikini Karate Babes, someone will inevitably ask the question "oh my God, that sounds great, is there a sequel?")
- 7This game just falls under the "Why?" catagory, along with all the Mary Kate and Ashley mystery games.
Yes, they are always fighting anyway. Yes, they are cartoons and nothing is more fun than toon-on-toon violence, but seriously, there was just no reason for this game to get made.
It's like the show, only more work.
There really is no plot besides the whole, "They are cat and mouse and boy, do they not get along!" thing that these two have had going on since the 1940's.
Only one will remain.
You can play as the angry bulldog though... so that's a plus. Other than that, it's just two players. Tom fighting Jerry. Yep.
The worst part about this is that you know some poor kids got this game instead of Mortal Kombat or a new Street Fighter for Christmas one year. "This is the one you wanted, right honey?" "Yes, mom. This is the one." Yes, #firstworldproblelms, but when every single move that either character makes lets out an annoying "boing!" sound, you know you have a game that will lead to therapy 20 years down the road.
Also, they have life meters in this game. Are we supposed to be forcing Tom & Jerry to fight to the death once and for all in this game? Fail.
- 8You might remember the catchphrase of Ballz: "To be the champion, you gotta have Ballz!".
Ok, you probably don't remember it. And you probably don't need ballz to be a champion. That's kind of sexist, come to think about it...
Ballz was a 2D fighting game that really tried to add that extra dimension. Graphically similar to Vectorman , Ballz used a bunch of spheres to simulate 3D. Just not well. At all.
The characters were interesting. You had a clown, a monkey, a bodybuilder etc. Since they were all strictly made up off shiny balls, you really couldn't tell the difference between them all. Just differing numbers of stuck-together balls, fighting to the ball-death.
You pretty much could get the same experience by having a clown make a few balloon animals for you and making them fight. At least then you'd get a surprise pop here and there and be able to feel some excitement.
Who thought of this? A really, really lazy designer, that's who. "So, uh, what do you guys want to do with all these character models? Like, what kind of game can we make out of these?" "F*ck it, let's just use these things and make them fight or something, people won't care." "What should we call it?" "I've got just the name... .
And yes, this is how video games are made.