Spongebob Musical Rectal ThermometerFour of the most horrifying words anyone has ever seen placed in sequence together. Spongebob. Musical. Rectal. Thermometer.
The most disturbing part? "Musical."
Nothing better than easing the pain of a child's first rectal invasion with the image of their favorite cartoon character horrifically laughing at them and playing their favorite tunes as they contemplate their place in this new horrible, horrible world they've discovered.
The packaging may say that it can also be used in the mouth and under the arm, but the fact that it's kind of an after-thought makes this item that much more depressing and allows it, despite all the sex toys on this list, to hit the top spot.
Buy this horrific abomination of nature by clicking below. No, seriously.
Twilight Dildo/FleshlightThe sexual tensions between Bella and Edward or Bella and Jacob seem to finally be taking shape. Although judging by the d***o, points go to Team Edward, as the jury's still out on whether one of these will ever be made with wolf-hair on it.
The most disturbing things about this character-branded (not officially, but c'mon) product are as follows:
1) It sparkles in sunlight (just like the lame-ass vampires in Twilight), because there's nothing women enjoy more than taking their private, shameful sextoys outdoors for all the neighbors and soon-to-be traumatized neighbors' kids to see.
2) It's temperature sensitive, which means that if you leave it in the fridge, it'll hold its "cold" temperature so any woman (or vampirically-inclined man) can pretend that Edward is actually "there".
3) Was it mentioned already that this product is meant to mimic a dead person's penis? Yes? Well, that's quite enough.
Aroused yet? How about when we say it's a d***o delivered from the "tantalizing forbidden"? No joke, that's how they are advertising it.
Click below to buy this toy. That's right. Check out the price. Ugh.
High School Musical AvocadosNothing says Disney, or High School, quite like avocados.
It appears Disney has to have commercial ventures in every sector of human existence. Now they even have the "Disney Garden" which is attempting to encourage kids and who're we kidding, parents, to make smarter food choices and to eat more fruits and vegetables. Even though its goal is coming from a good place, it is a depressing marker of our society that kids need to be brainwashed by the House of Mouse to eat freaking salad (and other things that don't come from a factory in Kentucky and look like neon signs).
Here's a case of avocados (in case you're having a football party or are starting an entire freaking Mexican restaurant) with the smiling faces of High School Musical! Sexy-Abs'ed Zac Efron, sexting and s**tty Vanessa Hudgens and 25-but-playing-16 Ashley Tisdale (or "The Tizz") make us think of nothing besides avocados and Mexican food. PERFECT congruency. Way to go, Disney.
If avocados aren't your style you could always pick another produce from their huge 'garden' including Donald Duck cauliflower, Tinkerbell corn-on-the-cob, Toy Story apples and Nemo mandarin oranges, just so you can feel like you're biting a cannibalistic chunk out of ALL of your favorite Disney characters!
"Hey, which characters will go with each fruit?"
"Oh, um... how about the characters whose body is colored the same as the fruit"
"So kids can imagine they're eating all of their favorite, iconic, cartoon characters? BRILLIANT, Jenkins! Here's a million dollars!"
"Okay!" *coke binge*
Click below to get your own dose of healthy High School Musical fat. It helps lower cholesterol!
Celebrity ButtplugsNot an "Exit Only" type of person? Well, if you ever wanted to cover "George W. Tush", "Smell Gibson", "Tom Cruise"(wtf???) or "Parass Hilton's" face with literal s**t, here's your chance.
This company makes buttplugs. Celebrity buttplugs. Once again, that's butt-plugs shaped in the form of your favorite celebrities.
The Tush one even is available with a pump so you can expand his 'ego,' making for a nice, tight fit.
The company will even make you a custom buttplug if you send them a close-up picture. Because nothing says "Happy Birthday, Grandpa!" quite like a customized, personalized butt-plug. Coffee mugs and calendar's are SO 2000s.
Fulfill one of your perverse dreams by purchasing the celebrity buttplug. Just click the link below.
Hello Kitty Food and BoozeEDIT: Thank you, dear readers, for mentioning and bringing to light the working, fully-functioning and absolutely ridiculous Hello Kitty Assault Rifles. WHERE'S YOUR GOD NOW?!
Hello Kitty is on every tangible object that you could possibly imagine including, but not limited to: welding helmets, vibrators, exhaust pipes, bongs, Pop Tarts (is nothing sacred?), wedding reception packages (in Japan) and even an entire maternity ward in a Japanese hospital. But I draw the line when it comes to two of my favorite things... pizza and alcohol.
Beck's decided to make their s**tty 'beer' even worse by making it pink and plastering a cartoon cat on it and someone else (clearly after tipping it too hard) decided it would be an awesome idea to make and bottle a line of Hello Dumbass/Anal-Asian-Girl-Who-Has-32-Different-Colors-Of-Highlighters-During-College/Highschool-And-Actually-Uses-Them wines.
There's even a sparkling wine that you can pop after you give birth in the Pepto-pink Hello Kitty-themed hospital (a color that should only be associated with Barbie hospitals and not people hospitals). And if you're hungry from all that pushing, pop one of those scrumdiliumpcious cheesy pizzas in to a microwave and toast to the fact that you shouldn't be having a child as you are a perpetual pre-pubescent girl/weeaboo ( click here for the full definition of the turn weeaboo! ).
Buy your Hello Kitty food and drank from the link below! Cause there's nothing like eating costumed domesticated animals!
Twilight Band-AidsAfter a particularly grueling biting session with your favorite un-dead sparkley 'man' or a cathartic, black eyeliner, MySpace approved cutting-session, slap on one of these Twilight band-aids to show that world that although your emotional scars are permanent, you're willing, no, DETERMINED to heal.
And since they are packaged like condoms you can pretend that you are getting ready to consummate your love of either necrophilia or bestiality each time you (despite the watery raccoon eyes) rip open a new one!
Available at your local Hot Topic! Or if you haven't been to the mall since 1999, click below to purchase.
Lord of the Rings Gollum-Obsession Baby T-ShirtBecause you know the first thing you want people to see when you proudly present your beautiful bouncing newborn is that you actually gave birth to two babies... who just happen to live inside the same body.
Seriously, can there be anything creepier than picturing a baby gurgling and making baby sounds and then all of sudden reaching for Mommy's wedding ring? Gives a whole new meaning to the term "precious." This poor baby is going to have a hard time living in a world of sunlight with it's never-going-to-grow-in hair and blue/grey/weirdly shinny skin.
If you really come to think of it, the voice of Gollum does sound similar to a baby, Rugrats-speak and all. Which makes owning the shirt all the less enticing. Way to set your baby back a few notches from the get-go, parents.
Buy this auto-baby-stratifying device by clicking below.
Barbie Foosball TableBarbies have become the cool thing to make creative, avant-garde art pieces with ( see this art installation ) and this foosball table from 'The Barbie Plastic Collection' is the perfect example of Barbie becoming a high-end luxury product at the whooping price of $25,000. That's right, pay the price of a small, used 2003 Toyota Echo for a table that'll solidify what your friends already think of you.
Invite the guys over for a hardy round of football, chicken wings, porn, arm-wrestling, thorough measuring and (above all) Barbie Foosball.
Meeting at Matel:
"We need to appeal to a male audience!"
"How about a foosball table, where we impale America's favorite dress-up doll like she's part of a Saw movie and then use her carcass to kick around a ball in an effort to mirror a sport that's popular everywhere else in the world except America?"
"PERFECT! Jenkins, here's a million dollars!"
"Okay!" *coke binge*
Live in Barbie's world (or just make her live in yours) by purchasing the foosball table from the link provided below.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle SnuggiesWhat if we skinned some of your childhood heroes and you could wear their pelts as an official 'opposite-sex's-genital-repellent' that can also be used to keep you warm on those lonely, dark nights in Mommy's basement?
Enter TMNT Snuggies.
The emo kid on the left can't even keep a straight face while being photographed for this s**tshow, although the 'Smart Guy' lookalike on the right seems to be enjoying the warmth of Raphael.
Emo Kid: "I am SO ironic right now, I need to Tweet this." *Sip of obnoxiously caffeinated beverage of choice*
'Smart Guy' kid: "I'm gonna get shot for this. My life is over. Just take the picture, because it is my death warrant."
Here's an article on these bad boys and all the varieties they come in.
Go from five to zero friends in no time by getting the TMNT snuggies from the link below.
Lightsaber ChopsticksThis writer had no idea, but there seems to be a market for Star Wars kitchen gadgets like these kick-ass lightsaber chopsticks in Luke, Yoda and Darth Vader approved colors (with geek approved 'authentic details'). And if you like your ramen with a bit of spice, pick-up the R2-D2 pepper mill.
These Star Wars chopsticks will help you to enjoy your Asian food even more, bringing to the table a sense of nerdom comradery.
Get these actually kind of kick-ass chopsticks with the link below.
Obama Chia PetCh-ch-ch-CHIA!
Remember when Chia's branding embraced their lameness and didn't try to look fancy by making their boxes black and classy instead of its purple, punk and neon-green stripes?
This dumbest, most useless drugstore gift can be bought in the likeness of every animal on Noah's Ark, countless cartoon characters and now American presidents (which I know you are totally regretting not getting for collector's purposes, obviously)!
In 2009, Chia Pets released a "Proud to be an American" line of products which included a Statue of Liberty, George Washington, Abraham Lincoln and TWO versions of Barack Obama ("Determined' and "Happy").
And who knew, Chia is an actual type of mint plant from Mexico... we always thought it was Chinese for "Americans will buy anything."
Buy control over the President's hair by clicking below.
iPhone 'Amazing Calling' Celebrity StickersYou will totally foul everyone in to thinking that you are a very important person when you buy these 'Amazing Calling' iPhone stickers (ps: don't even get me started on the name).
Stick these stickers on the back, yes back (the part that doesn't actually receive calls), of your phone and everyone (that is over the age of 78) will think that you are talking to either Bill or Hillary, Optimus Prime (if they are THAT far into Alzheimer's), Albert Einstein (you've brought him back from the dead!) or, hell yes, the savior himself, Steve Jobs (totally possible).
And at only $9.99 a pop, you can pretend you have lots of dead, fake and generally douchey, impossible friends that never talk to you or invite you to any cool parties!
Click below to buy the dumbest branded product in history. Just kidding. Don't buy this.
Weeds 'Subherban Dream' PillowWeeds is an awesome show, and a lot of the products sold on Showtime's website are credit card worthy (need the "Burnt, Toasted, Baked" shirt, asap), but we can't quite figure out the deal with these 'Subherban Dream' pillows, although the name seems kind of cool
Apparently the print is inspired by the architecture, furniture and street plan of the Botwins' (the family on the hit Showtime show "Weeds") old Agrestic (the town where they live) neighborhood. Perhaps a 'purchase' from Botwin Enterprises would induce some clarity...
Get a truly WTF, normal, Target-style pillow that, for some reason, is associated with a popular television show starring possibly the hottest MILF in television history by clicking on the link below.
Disney Princesses-Inspired Wedding DressesRemember when Cosplay girls were confined to comic book conventions, video game conventions and your easily-attainable fantasies? So do we! Well, why not bring that feeling in to one of the most important days of your life!
The Disney princess culture is creating a generation of little girls who have delusional expectations of the importance and necessity of finding 'Prince Charming,' having a huge princess wedding and living happily forever. Once the "consumation" is ready, they will face reality... but until then...
Premiering during NYC's Bridal Week in 2007 is Disney's line of princess-inspired gowns, because Bridezillas really needed another reason to think of themselves as better than everyone!. Everyone from Jasmine to Belle to Ariel have had their 'personality' and 'style' turned into a blissful, taffeta Disney-approved watered-down reality that never mentions bills, children, hearing your spouse poop and having to deal with middle-life crises.
Click on the link below to buy all these Disney dresses and to show the world that you're a princess, no matter how old you are (or also ignoring the fact that you could be a dude- hey guys want to feel pretty, too!).