Lord of the Rings Gollum-Obsession Baby T-Shirt
Because you know the first thing you want people to see when you proudly present your beautiful bouncing newborn is that you actually gave birth to two babies... who just happen to live inside the same body.
Seriously, can there be anything creepier than picturing a baby gurgling and making baby sounds and then all of sudden reaching for Mommy's wedding ring? Gives a whole new meaning to the term "precious." This poor baby is going to have a hard time living in a world of sunlight with it's never-going-to-grow-in hair and blue/grey/weirdly shinny skin.
If you really come to think of it, the voice of Gollum does sound similar to a baby, Rugrats-speak and all. Which makes owning the shirt all the less enticing. Way to set your baby back a few notches from the get-go, parents.
Buy this auto-baby-stratifying device by clicking below.
Barbie Foosball Table
Barbies have become the cool thing to make creative, avant-garde art pieces with ( see this art installation ) and this foosball table from 'The Barbie Plastic Collection' is the perfect example of Barbie becoming a high-end luxury product at the whooping price of $25,000. That's right, pay the price of a small, used 2003 Toyota Echo for a table that'll solidify what your friends already think of you.
Invite the guys over for a hardy round of football, chicken wings, porn, arm-wrestling, thorough measuring and (above all) Barbie Foosball.
Meeting at Matel:
"We need to appeal to a male audience!"
"How about a foosball table, where we impale America's favorite dress-up doll like she's part of a Saw movie and then use her carcass to kick around a ball in an effort to mirror a sport that's popular everywhere else in the world except America?"
"PERFECT! Jenkins, here's a million dollars!"
"Okay!" *coke binge*
Live in Barbie's world (or just make her live in yours) by purchasing the foosball table from the link provided below.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Snuggies
What if we skinned some of your childhood heroes and you could wear their pelts as an official 'opposite-sex's-genital-repellent' that can also be used to keep you warm on those lonely, dark nights in Mommy's basement?
Enter TMNT Snuggies.
The emo kid on the left can't even keep a straight face while being photographed for this s**tshow, although the 'Smart Guy' lookalike on the right seems to be enjoying the warmth of Raphael.
Emo Kid: "I am SO ironic right now, I need to Tweet this." *Sip of obnoxiously caffeinated beverage of choice*
'Smart Guy' kid: "I'm gonna get shot for this. My life is over. Just take the picture, because it is my death warrant."
Here's an article on these bad boys and all the varieties they come in.
Go from five to zero friends in no time by getting the TMNT snuggies from the link below.
This writer had no idea, but there seems to be a market for Star Wars kitchen gadgets like these kick-ass lightsaber chopsticks in Luke, Yoda and Darth Vader approved colors (with geek approved 'authentic details'). And if you like your ramen with a bit of spice, pick-up the R2-D2 pepper mill.
These Star Wars chopsticks will help you to enjoy your Asian food even more, bringing to the table a sense of nerdom comradery.
Get these actually kind of kick-ass chopsticks with the link below.
Obama Chia Pet
Remember when Chia's branding embraced their lameness and didn't try to look fancy by making their boxes black and classy instead of its purple, punk and neon-green stripes?
This dumbest, most useless drugstore gift can be bought in the likeness of every animal on Noah's Ark, countless cartoon characters and now American presidents (which I know you are totally regretting not getting for collector's purposes, obviously)!
In 2009, Chia Pets released a "Proud to be an American" line of products which included a Statue of Liberty, George Washington, Abraham Lincoln and TWO versions of Barack Obama ("Determined' and "Happy").
And who knew, Chia is an actual type of mint plant from Mexico... we always thought it was Chinese for "Americans will buy anything."
Buy control over the President's hair by clicking below.
iPhone 'Amazing Calling' Celebrity Stickers
You will totally foul everyone in to thinking that you are a very important person when you buy these 'Amazing Calling' iPhone stickers (ps: don't even get me started on the name).
Stick these stickers on the back, yes back (the part that doesn't actually receive calls), of your phone and everyone (that is over the age of 78) will think that you are talking to either Bill or Hillary, Optimus Prime (if they are THAT far into Alzheimer's), Albert Einstein (you've brought him back from the dead!) or, hell yes, the savior himself, Steve Jobs (totally possible).
And at only $9.99 a pop, you can pretend you have lots of dead, fake and generally douchey, impossible friends that never talk to you or invite you to any cool parties!
Click below to buy the dumbest branded product in history. Just kidding. Don't buy this.
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