The 14 Most Ridiculous Character-Branded Products Ever

After a particularly grueling biting session with your favorite un-dead sparkley 'man' or a cathartic, black eyeliner, MySpace approved cutting-session, slap on one of these Twilight band-aids to show that world that although your emotional scars are permanent, you're willing, no, DETERMINED to heal.

And since they are packaged like condoms you can pretend that you are getting ready to consummate your love of either necrophilia or bestiality each time you (despite the watery raccoon eyes) rip open a new one!

Available at your local Hot Topic! Or if you haven't been to the mall since 1999, click below to purchase.

Because you know the first thing you want people to see when you proudly present your beautiful bouncing newborn is that you actually gave birth to two babies... who just happen to live inside the same body.

Seriously, can there be anything creepier than picturing a baby gurgling and making baby sounds and then all of sudden reaching for Mommy's wedding ring? Gives a whole new meaning to the term "precious." This poor baby is going to have a hard time living in a world of sunlight with it's never-going-to-grow-in hair and blue/grey/weirdly shinny skin.

If you really come to think of it, the voice of Gollum does sound similar to a baby, Rugrats-speak and all. Which makes owning the shirt all the less enticing. Way to set your baby back a few notches from the get-go, parents.

Buy this auto-baby-stratifying device by clicking below.

Barbies have become the cool thing to make creative, avant-garde art pieces with ( see this art installation ) and this foosball table from 'The Barbie Plastic Collection' is the perfect example of Barbie becoming a high-end luxury product at the whooping price of $25,000. That's right, pay the price of a small, used 2003 Toyota Echo for a table that'll solidify what your friends already think of you.

Invite the guys over for a hardy round of football, chicken wings, porn, arm-wrestling, thorough measuring and (above all) Barbie Foosball.

HOO RAH!


Meeting at Matel:

"We need to appeal to a male audience!"

"How about a foosball table, where we impale America's favorite dress-up doll like she's part of a Saw movie and then use her carcass to kick around a ball in an effort to mirror a sport that's popular everywhere else in the world except America?"

"PERFECT! Jenkins, here's a million dollars!"

"Okay!" *coke binge*

Live in Barbie's world (or just make her live in yours) by purchasing the foosball table from the link provided below.

What if we skinned some of your childhood heroes and you could wear their pelts as an official 'opposite-sex's-genital-repellent' that can also be used to keep you warm on those lonely, dark nights in Mommy's basement?

Enter TMNT Snuggies.

The emo kid on the left can't even keep a straight face while being photographed for this s**tshow, although the 'Smart Guy' lookalike on the right seems to be enjoying the warmth of Raphael.

Emo Kid: "I am SO ironic right now, I need to Tweet this." *Sip of obnoxiously caffeinated beverage of choice*

'Smart Guy' kid: "I'm gonna get shot for this. My life is over. Just take the picture, because it is my death warrant."

Here's an article on these bad boys and all the varieties they come in.

Go from five to zero friends in no time by getting the TMNT snuggies from the link below.

This writer had no idea, but there seems to be a market for Star Wars kitchen gadgets like these kick-ass lightsaber chopsticks in Luke, Yoda and Darth Vader approved colors (with geek approved 'authentic details'). And if you like your ramen with a bit of spice, pick-up the R2-D2 pepper mill.

These Star Wars chopsticks will help you to enjoy your Asian food even more, bringing to the table a sense of nerdom comradery.

Get these actually kind of kick-ass chopsticks with the link below.