The 15 Douchiest John Mayer Quotes Quotations
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The 15 Douchiest John Mayer Quotes

The douchiest quotes from singer John Mayer (douchebag), from his sex life with Jessica Simpson to his masturbation rituals. We all know that John Mayer is a giant douche, but he still can't seem to keep his mouth in check (especially in a recent Playboy interview), and eventually someone is going to try and wash it out with a bag of Summer's Eve.

Mr. Mayer obviously writes songs because he can't form cohesive sentences (we think we're starting to see why/how he dated Jessica Simpson). It's not only us, other girls (Taylor Swift, ahem) also view him as the ultimate douche. Sure, his love songs are beautiful, but does that make up for the fact that he is a jerk in almost ever other area of life? No. After you read these terrible, annoying, sometimes even racist quotes, you'll want to punch the guy right in his stupid singing face. Let the douchebaggery (and controversy) begin...

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  1. 1
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    My dick is sort of like a white supremacist

    "I don't think I open myself to it. My dick is sort of like a white supremacist. I've got a Benetton heart and a f**kin' David Duke cock. I'm going to start dating separately from my dick."

    John Mayer on interracial relationships in an interview with Playboy magazine, 2010.

  2. 2
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    If you really had a hood pass, you could call it a n!!!er Pass.

    "MAYER: My two biggest hits are 'Your Body Is a Wonderland' and 'Daughters.' If you think those songs are pandering, then you'll think I'm a douche bag. It's like I come on very strong. I am a very…I'm just very. V-E-R-Y. And if you can't handle very, then I'm a douche bag. But I think the world needs a little very. That's why black people love me.

    PLAYBOY: Because you're very?

    MAYER: Someone asked me the other day, 'What does it feel like now to have a hood pass?' And by the way, it's sort of a contradiction in terms, because if you really had a hood pass, you could call it a n***** pass."

    Playboy interview, 2010

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    I can outgay this guy, right now.

    All of a sudden I thought, I can outgay this guy right now. I grabbed him and gave him the dirtiest, tongue-iest kiss I have ever put on anybody—almost as if I hated f*gs. I don’t think my mouth was even touching when I was tongue kissing him, that’s how disgusting this kiss was. I’m a little ashamed. I think it lasted about half a minute. I really think it went on too long..."

    John Mayer on kissing Perez Hilton after openly admitting he enjoys gay p*********y during/after sex with starlets. He's not gay, just egotistical.

  4. 4
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    I'm sort of a half-chick . . . I can insert a tampon


    John Mayer on a fellow female sanitation device, in his Rolling Stone interview 1/2010

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    If I wasn't thought of as a young bruce springsteen before, I sure am now.


    2:52 This is a self-depricating video he made with some comedians that really doesn't stray very far from reality.

  6. 6
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    Before I make coffee I've seen more butt holes than a proctologist does in a week.

    "I am the new generation of masturbator, I’ve seen it all. Before I make coffee, I’ve seen more butt holes than a proctologist does in a week…"

    John Mayer on being a chronic masturbator, and considering medical school.

  7. 7
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    I have male fans, but I'm persuading them to become female!

    "I have male fans, but I'm persuading them to become female!"

    John Mayer expressing positive views of gender reassignment.

  8. 8
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    Sometimes I wish that I was the weather

    "Sometimes I wish that I was the weather, you'd bring me up in conversation forever. And when it rained, I'd be the talk of the day."

    John Mayer on meteorology.

  9. 9
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    My biggest dream is to write pornography

    "When I watch porn, if it’s not hot enough, I’ll make up backstories in my mind. My biggest dream is to write pornography."

    John Mayer on porn... in a Playboy interview, 2010.

  10. 10
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    Re using the n word in an interview, I am sorry that I used the word.


    "Re: using the 'N word' in an interview: I am sorry that I used the word. And it's such a shame that I did because the point I was trying to make was in the exact opposite spirit of the word itself.

    ...It was arrogant of me to think I could intellectualize using it, because I realize that there's no intellectualizing a word that is so emotionally charged."

    His apology for using the "N word" in a Playboy interview, via Twitter.

    It was so disingenuous that not only did he just Tweet it, but he defended the fact that he used the word. Also, if you're using the word in an interview where you refer to your "racist penis" as a "David Duke cock", you're not really intellectualizing it.

    BONUS: Here's a clip of him apologizing again at his own concert and barely putting coherent thoughts together... he blames his "quest to be clever". Most awkward part is when he justifies what he said while the black guy in his band stares straight at him the whole time, not cracking a smile.

  11. 11
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    I'm not being a parody of myself.

    "I'm not being trite. I'm not being a parody of myself, and in finding a new kind of color to adopt for myself, it's not this or that: it's singer-songwriter, but it's also blues guitar player, it's also comedian."

    John Mayer on thinking he's funny.

  12. 12
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    Think of how much mental capacity I'm using to meet the right person

    What Mayer says he craves the most is to settle down with the right woman: "I'll be happy when I close out this life-partner thing," he says. "Think of how much mental capacity I'm using to meet the right person."

  13. 13
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    I was crying like a baby to the printed word and that doesn't happen much to me.

    Watch the Full Video

    "I was crying like a my house... to the printed word, and that doesn't happen much to me. This kind of sounds selfish of me, but I only took this song to write a song for a movie because I only wanted to write a song for a great movie".

    John Mayer on never reading (and then proving it by the way he talks) during an interview for the move The Bucket List, 2008.

  14. 14
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    Just listen to the song, bitch!

    "Just listen to the song, bitch!"

    John Mayer's advice on how to listen to his albums, if you can stomach them.

  15. 15
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    It was like sexual napalm

    "Sexually it was crazy. That’s all I’ll say," he answered. "It was like napalm, sexual napalm."

    John Mayer on his sexual relationship with Jessica Simpson, 2010.

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