Man Has Greatest Wife of All Time
Before we get started...
ANONYMOUS INTERNET SEX GLOSSARY:
M4W = Men looking for Women
M4M = Men looking for Men
W4M = Women looking for Men
W4W = Women looking for Women
M4WW = The saddest thing in the world
D/D Free = Disease/Drug Free
[X]" = The size, in inches (sorry Europe), of a man's penis
6c = The number is the guy's "size" and c is "Cut" (once again, sorry Europe). The opposite being, of course "Uncut"
"Host" = When a person hosts, they mean that the "encounter" can happen at their place
MWC = Married White Couple
BBC = Big Black C*ck
BBW = Big Beautiful Woman
And now, to begin...
This is the American dream. Not only because everyone involved is pretty fat judging from the "Seeking guests who would rather work on a 12-pack than work out on their 6-pack", but because it is the American dream to have a Betty-Draperesque wife that succumbs to your every need, even being a naked waitress to your buddies and up to 4 strangers on Super Bowl Sunday. She'll even blow them if they want (alright, that's more of a European dream).
This is the most wonderful, saint-like, accommodating woman of all time and I think we all (women and men) can learn something from her. I think that we should all be able to make these kinds of compromises. And yes, I'm having an existential crisis over this Craigslist post. Sue me (please don't sue me).
Also, sure, she's probably into this stuff, but the fact that she'll bring people drinks naked just adds that bit of "she's a keeper".
Gym Party in Jersey
ONLY IN JERSEY.
Everyone knows that it's every girl's dream, from tea-party age, to party at AN ACTUAL GYM. These guys were probably flooded with people looking to get the G part of their GTL day going, as well as meet REAL LIVE TRAINERS.
The end part of the post does go on to specify a few things that are worth noting, though: it's not a hook up, it's not a date, and it's not a fake invitation for sex. So sex is going to be had, is what I'm assuming (and no, I don't think the "not a hookup" part takes care of that, otherwise there's no reason for them to be in Casual Encounters).
So this means on Super Bowl weekend in 2012, there was a sex party in New Jersey that included buffalo wings, apparently a toddler-sized sandwich and a bunch of personal trainers using the gym equipment to get down and dirty.
This is the world we live in. Let it soak in. It's amazing.
Super Bowl Party Toilet For Hire
This is every parent's worst case scenario. Potty training this dude must have been a nightmare.
The craziest part is that not only is this guy out there, but there are probably people out there (not a person, not a couple, but a party of people) that wouldn't mind having some dude to pee in so that they don't have to get up.
So that they don't have to get up. He even calls the excrement/body fluids that he'd be consuming "offerings".
Seriously, when I was growing up Super Bowl parties were an excuse to eat whatever you want, but-- wait. Okay, that's still what this is. This is perfectly fine now.
Come Over and Wear Football Gear with Me
So this is a full grown man who has extra football gear lying around, enough for multiple guys and wants to put it on on a field, do drills (the least fun part of any sport) and then watch the game sweaty/pumped.
This, more than anything, is a testament to how football nerds (aka "jocks" or "football fans") are exactly like Star Wars nerds. Dressing up like a Jedi and going to premiere is NO DIFFERENT THAN THIS.
If You're Gay, This Sounds Like the Greatest Thing Ever -- An Epic Story
This story starts with a man who had a dream. This man lives in Danville, California (the East Bay of the San Francisco Bay Area), and the man posted on January 31st that he wanted to have a Super Bowl party.
He was looking to literally rock out with his c*ck out, so he invited a bunch of like-minded dudes to join in on the fun. He even gives closeted married men (a HUGE portion of Craigslist) a valid excuse for the wife.
Three days later, BAM, there he is again, only now he's up to 5 GUYS. This party of naked Super Bowl fans could start an overrated fast food chain if they wanted to! The sky's the limit. But why stop there? Why not put up a post for more dudes? But make sure to let people know the rules... and there are a HELL of a lot of rules... nobody will respond to this.
AND A FEW DAYS LATER HE'S UP TO 7 DUDES. You've really gotta hand it to these guys.
This sounds like the most chill, healthy, quasi safe and pleasant place to let out a few loads with your fellow man. If you're gay, this sounds like the greatest thing ever. Who says life doesn't have happy endings (no pun intended... until now)?
Super Bowl Sunday Public Freeballin'
Good. Now YOU have that Tom Petty song stuck in your head too.
I didn't even know this was a thing. I mean, I guess it's the gay community's equivalent of when a hot girl isn't wearing a bra or something, but man, to put up a whole post to get a free-ballin buddy seems a little bit much, doesn't it?
Either way, this guy's sports puns are impeccable.
Viagra for the Super Bowl. Of Course.
Nothin quite like gettin' hard with your bros and watching game of football while snackin' on some wings, am I right? I feel like any guys who responded to this needed to take the intensity of their experiences up a notch and they one day just ran out of drugs.
"Have you seen the Super Bowl ever, man?"
"Have you seen it HIGH?"
"Well get ready for a mind blower, man, cause I got an idea. Let's watch it...
BONUS: Apparently the street name for Viagra is "blue diamonds" [insert girl's best friend joke here].
Superbowl Date with Stock Trader - m4w (Upper East Side)
Read the following entry in this voice:
Stoner Doesn't Learn
I'm all for getting high. I do it all the time and it harms no one. But this guy's an idiot. Not only is he offering people an illegal substance that we know he's not legally allowed to have (since he's only in town BECAUSE HE HAS TO GO TO COURT), but he's posting it in a public forum that is policed by, well, police.
This guy's probably behind bars as we speak and I'm as much against the war on drugs/clearing out prisons and putting people in rehab as the next guy, but putting people like this guy off the street improves our general gene pool.
Worldly Academic Seeks Super Bowl Company - - m4w 45
This guy sounds like the biggest asshole on this list, and that's saying a lot.
Super Bowl and My Balls - m4w 55
"How do I get an anonymous woman to come over and pleasure me out of nowhere while I watch this game? Hmmm, I know, a seductive, compelling ad on Craigslist! What's the perfect title that'll illustrate not only how great of a time she'll have, but what I'll have planned?... I GOT IT."
What if this guy wanted to bet puppies? Like, the lives of multiple puppies.
I know most people's minds go to oral sex or more, but I'd like to stretch the imagination that this White Male wants to find some random chick and make her the kind of bet that, if she loses, will scar her for life. Sure, he's kind of doing that anyway, but a man needs to dream. A man needs to dream.
What if he's cutting off hands? What if the bet is your f*cking hands?
Anyway, it's probably sex and whoever took this guy up on his offer is now probably the past-expiration-date-tasting meat in the large casserole he brought to work for lunch on Monday for everyone to share.
Outta Town Super Bowl Fun in a Motor Home - mw4m
Because in America, we keep it classy and shoot for the stars. This is a couple (a couple) whose biggest sexual dream/fantasy is to find a "dirty old man" (or 2) with an RV so they can have sex with it.
Specifically an RV, too, no fancy hotels, no apartments or houses, but RV's. Maybe this is all these people know. Someone should tell them that non-RV homes exist too.
Submissive Patriots Fan Seeks Aggressive Giants Fan
If this were a m4m, this guy would be cleaning up with offers. Unfortunately for him, the m4w market is thin, scarce and terrifying. His game idea is awesome. It's creative and it's just crazy enough to work.
Next time you're watching sports with your loved one and you're both not doing anything but ignoring each other using the internet, try this game at home!
Seeking Super Bowl Party Fluffer
You mean a prostitute? This is a prostitute. Someone should have told this guy that he was looking for what we call a prostitute.
The weirdest part of this is that she'll probably be the person having the least amount of sex that night, as it's a full-on Swingers party. But from my experience, professional porn sets actually don't even have fluffers -- the fluffers are your co-stars. I mean, it's economical and it just *makes sense*.
Now I feel like I should've written these people just to help out with that little tidbit of information. Oh well, there's always next weekend.
Mustachioed Servant At Your Service
Because of course this guy is from California's San Fernando Valley (the porn capital of the world).
This guy is up for ANYTHING. The greatest part about this apparent veteran of having anonymous sex with strangers who are very likely to murder you as soon as you get on the wrong side of a locked door is that hey creates a paragraph of "keywords" so that people can find him.
If you read all of the options that he puts out there you know that this guy means business when he puts down not only that he's willing to travel, but that he's got a remarkably small penis.
Invite to Super Bowl Ski Trip - m4w 36
This moron wants to invite a girl on a ski trip and obviously doesn't have a ride. Not only that, but he's a guy in his mid 30s who's going to bring a complete STRANGER to a party a friend of his is having at some kind of ski resort?
I'm sure this guy got flooded with responses with willing, attractive, independently wealthy women looking to go party at a ski resort with a dude who only wants to bang.
Looking for a Transgendered Girl to Take to Super Bowl Party - m4t 34
Oh, you know, there are going to be some men and women at this party, so I figure it'll be mixed company, why not bring 2 transgendered girls. It's the clear next step in logic.
Either way, if this ended up working out for this dude, this is a very specific request, so good for him. Good... for... him.
Free Trip to the Super Bowl! - 40 (Indianapolis)
What an absolute dirtbag. Do you know how many people's time he probably wasted thinking that they'd be on the receiving end of this exchange?
Also, this guy lives in Indianapolis, so it's not like the person who has an extra ticket would even have trouble getting there to begin with. What the hell does anyone but the dumbass who made this post get? My God. The gall.
This is that friend you have that always bums smokes off of you to the 1000th degree.
Stressed Out About the Super Bowl?
Look. I get that some people maybe have a lot of money riding on the outcome of the game and that a lot of hardcore fans are probably VERY passionate and have a lot of emotional energy invested in it, but who the hell is so stressed out about the outcome of the Super Bowl that they'll make a stranger come over to their house to blow them?
Hopefully for this guy, at least 2 different people.