The Pipe Bomb Dildo Revenge
Terry Allen Lester must have had some pent up feelings after breaking up with his girlfriend. Clearly. So, instead of meeting for coffee and talking it out with her like they do in fairytales, he decided to send a vibrator over to her as a gift... a vibrator rigged to be a pipe bomb.
Lester expertly placed gun powder, BB shot and buck shot from shotgun shells into a black and red wire that connected to a trigger with a battery port (in case you were wondering about the recipe -- you're welcome.) Lester thought this out extremely well, actually -- at least from a mechanical engineering perspective.
Apparently, though, Lester let it slip that he was planning to bomb his ex-girlfriend to his former roommates (as ya do) and then proceeded to tell them about how he would pull the trigger once she inserted the loaded vibrator.
His little creations also weren't that hard to find when the cops arrived at his home because he actually left behind some bags -- one of which contained a box marked "Christmas Gifts." The lethal vibrator Lester had prepared was pink and, being the hopeless romantic that he is, he had the words "Merry X-mas bitch" written on it with black marker.
Lester faces 10 years behind bars and a $20,000 fine if convicted. And he will never work in sex toys again.
Drunk Dine-n-Ditcher Assaults Cop With A Strap On
Carolee Bildsten was in a crabby mood on November 9, 2010.
She went to Joe's Crab Shack for dinner and decided to skip out on the restaurant bill, probably due to the fact that she'd just eaten a lot of crab and felt that something was fishy about it.
The servers recognized her as she'd done something similar there before, so they called the cops. When an officer found the 56-year-old drunk and lying on the grass in front of the restaurant, he accompanied her home to retrieve the cash for her meal tab.
That was his mistake.
She opened her dresser drawer pretending to fetch the money and instead whipped out a "clear, rigid feminine pleasure device" that was six inches long and was attached to a nylon harness which means that yes, she was planning on using something that looks like a medieval torture device (a strap on) to administer some modern day torture of her own on the unsuspecting police officer.
She struck the officer with it once before he knocked it out of the way, realizing it was more gross than life-threatening. There were no injuries but along with her charges of public intoxication and theft of services, then, Bildsten also received an additional assault charge for assaulting an officer with a strap on d***o.
This Is Why Guns and Sex Toys Should Never Mix
Call me old fashioned, but I believe that what's done in the privacy of one's bedroom should be kept to the privacy of one's own home and then uploaded immediately to the internet for all to enjoy at their leisure.
You know you've got some geniuses on your hands when they're using loaded guns as sex toys, and the "bedroom" is more of a sex dungeon than anything else. A man named LaValle was convicted for manslaughter after accidentally shooting a man in the head during a sex party.
Here's how it went down:
LaVallee apparently met the victim, Fred Wilson, on the internet and arranged a meeting between them and another person James Pombriant at Wilson's South Portland house. Party time.
Wilson was a computer programmer who spent large amounts of money on a 10x10 sex game room in his basement filled with leather pants, leather chaps and sex toys. However, the most thrilling sex toy the three men used in their 12-hour long sex and drug-ridden party was LaVallee's handgun which they took turns putting into their anuses and mouths, just like the user's manual to any American made handgun says to do.
At one point in order to intensify his own pleasure, Wilson asked LaVallee to put the gun to his head and pull the trigger, and though LaVallee claimed to have checked whether the revolver was loaded multiple times throughout the night, he forgot to check one time. Wilson was shot in the head and died that night on April 18, 2009.
LaVallee-Davidson face at least four years and at most 30 years in prison for their one night of sexual fantasy, torture and supervillain-like behavior.
Pain Over Pleasure, Toying With A Saber Saw
Sometimes a couple needs to mix it up in the bedroom. You know, try some new things. Naturally, this Maryland couple decided that it was time to start using some toys here and there -- awesome, right? Right! But, who wants to pay for sex toys? Nobody. So, logically, they decided to start using a tool that is able to cut holes in thick plans of wood and entire walls... on the woman.
A Maryland couple learned of the power of a Saber Saw the hard way in March 2009 when they experimented with a device they made for themselves, which involved attaching a sex toy to a saber saw blade. To really drill in the point, the sex play took a gruesome turn when the saw cut threw the plastic toy while the man was using it on his female partner, which ended up... well, she was...
Four words: Internally. Shred. To. Pieces
The woman had to be taken to the hospital in a helicopter and suffered severe internal injuries.
That's right. Just imagine that. And that is more than enough about this story... Oh yes, the woman lived.
Angry Girlfriend Stuffs Boyfriend's Sex Toy with Glass Shards
Here's a tip: If you're going to cheat on your girlfriend and may get caught, then make sure to get all your sex toys out of the open or else you might end up having to get emergency penile surgery in a hospital like our friend Andrei here. I saw that on a fortune cookie once, so it must be true.
Unfortunately for the Russian man named Andrei in this story, he and his tallywhacker (we're bringing that one back) had to learn it the hard way (get it? I'll be here all week.)
Almost a year after his girlfriend Anna found out he was cheating on her, she decided to get some revenge. She did what any sane girlfriend would do for revenge and decided to stuff Andrei's sex toy, a latex penis extender, with glass wool. In case you don't remember what that is, it's the insulation yellow fluffy looking stuff... that's made of fiber glass.
If you've never gotten a fiber glass splinter, it's one of the most painful kinds of splinters known to man. Imagine getting an unseeable splinter that doesn't eventually break down like wood, but keeps its form, tearing apart your finger for weeks invisibly.
Now imagine multiples of those in, around and generally on your penis (if you have one.)
This happened. Why? Because she actually pulled the glass wool out of the toy in a fashion so that all these little glass shards stayed in the toy for the next time he used it.
Andrei was brought into a Moscow hospital in critical condition and undoubtedly in a lot of pain.
Lesson learned: Never mess with Russian chicks. Ever.
Sex Toy Used as a Night Stick on Boyfriend's Genitals
A sex toy in the right hands can be a good thing, but if the timing and mood isn't right, well, it can be less-than-pleasureful.
John Anthony Gonzales experienced this firsthand on June 9, 2009 when his live-in girlfriend got drunk and started yelling at him -- which puts a damper on most moods.
After a heated exchange of words, Kimberly Lynn Calvert then proceeded to make her point heard by repeatedly, violently and brutally beating John Anthony Gonzales in his privates with her d***o -- making the list for being the single most symbolic gesture on this entire list.
Gonzales called the cops after a while with his bruised privates and then Calvert was arrested on a charge of simple battery. It probably took AA's.
Cop On Patrol, Assaulted By Dickhead
Each year, lots of families with children gather together alongside motorsport fans and enthusiasts for the Bathurst 1000 racing event in New South Wales, Australia. Apparently, there's also violent sex toy wielders lost in the crowd that you need to watch out for -- much like at any racing event.
In 2009, a police officer who was patrolling the venue was hit on the head by a d***o a 22-year-old man from Moss Vale had thrown. The guy approached the cop who was seated inside his vehicle and launched the sex toy at his head. The officer was uninjured but the attacker was arrested and charged with assaulting police.
Showing that, once and for all, sex toys make the dumbest, weirdest and most ineffective weapons in the history of stuff-laying-around-the-room. So if you ever need to beat someone with whatever's handy, remember not to use the soft rubbery things, remember to adequately hide your bomb riggs and remember, above all else, never to make sex toys out of tools that can shave steel like cheese.
This has been a public service announcement.