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A "Fifi" is a male sex toy. But it's not a weird one.
When you're talking about a male sex toy, it usually means something that you can make, and then bang as if it were an orifice because c'mon, we're men and that's what we do. We find holes and just plow 'em til we're dead. Until we are cold and dead.
This is the easiest, simplest and seemingly the most clean-up efficient toy ever concocted.
Here's a helpful, simple (and absolutely hilarious) video of a straight-shooting guy explaining exactly what a "Fifi" is. Why is this video so funny? Well, just check it out. At the conclusion of the video this guy tells you to "strap" it to something... which makes absolutely no sense. If anyone can let us know how this can be done, please put it in the comments.
Here's another instructional video that takes a slightly different approach. The first one seems deeper and more practical, though, but this one is a little clearer and is, for some reason, done on a grill.
Or, you know, you could just buy one here for $25 that you don't even have to clean.
HOW TO MAKE A FIFI
Materials needed: Towel, rubber glove, lubricant
1. Fold a tower into a rectangle, longways.
2. Get a rubber glove and place it with the open side out.
3. Fold the towel around the glove so that it creates a tight hole.
4. Stretch the open part of the glove over the end part of the towel nearest the glove, creating a tight hole of rubber (see the end of the video).
5. Apply lubricant, go to town. For a big discount on lubes, check these out, they're cheap, they're good and you can carry them on a plane!)
Check out the new and improved Fifi, which is only $24.95 right now!!!
If you think the Fifi is a good, then you'll really enjoy this.
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Sponge Bottle, No Pants
The guys over at World Sextoys featured an article a while back about making an ordinary plastic soda bottle into a Pocket Vagina for men.
HOW TO MAKE
Materials: Empty(clean and dry) soda bottle, scissors, bubble wrap, two sponges (with no rough sides), masking tape.
Click on each of these instructions for pictures of each step of this process.
1. Cut off the top of your soda bottle. Make sure you cut evenly, so that there are no jagged sides.
2. Take two sponges and place them side-by-side on a rectangular sheet of bubble wrap.
3. Fold the bubble wrap in, wrapping each of the sponges individually while still leaving some space in the middle. Making sure there is some bubble wrap slack that can stick out of the bottle later.
4. Squeeze the sponges into the soda bottle. Make sure that they are as symmetrically inserted as possible.
5. Tape the excess bubble wrap "slack" to the sides of the soda bottle, securing that both the opening of the soda bottle isn't sharp and that the sponges will remain inside.
6. Have fun with your new toy!
Here's a side profile of the toy.
And the front.
- 3+ 589- 408
"Realistic" Homemade Sleeve (Complicated)
This is probably the most complicated sex toy on this list, but it is sturdy, reusable, cleanable and reliable. If you have a free Sunday afternoon, go nuts, but this'll take a bit longer than the other ones.
There are many tutorials on how to melt wax using professional tools you can "buy" or shaping plastic molds, etc., etc., but those are not only way too much work, but their material cost (as well as time strain) are way more than it would be to just get a Fleshlight (or any other competing sex toy or "sleeve").
Here's one that is absolutely professional looking, using only household items (and a diaper).
Here's the YouTube clip that is really a bunch of words and still pictures set to a soundtrack that makes you feel like you're building a bomb.
Here are the instructions along with links to pictures for help. This is what it must've felt like when Luke had to build his own Lightsaber.
May the force be with you.
HOW TO MAKE
Materials: A plastic Wilson Tennis Ball container ($2 for a can of 3), a pair of thick dishwashing gloves, the kind with the longer sleeve ($1-$3 a pair), a box of Magnum XL lubricated condoms (non-spermicidal), a bunch of thick rubber bands, a basic absorbant diaper (of any kind, we'll be using the absorption beads on the inside, so don't worry what kind you get) ($1-$6 a pair), a pair of scissors, a glass of water, a sharpie, KY Jelly (not for use, but actually goes into the making).
1. Empty the contents out of the tennis ball container and take off the outer wrapping.
Then, with your scissors, make a small hole on the bottom of one of the corners of the container for ventilation.
If you skip this step, there will be nowhere for the air to go when something goes inside it.
2. Open one of the condoms and completely unroll it. Squirt some KY Jelly inside to the bottom, use a decent a mount, but not a ton.
Open and unroll another condom, and with the Sharpie, push the second condom down inside the first condom, "double bagging it" in a sense.
Make sure the condom goes all the way down. Repeat this as many times as you like. The more you use, the tighter it will be. You want to use at least Five.
The lubrication between each condom helps replicate the feeling of moving soft tissues.
When you're done with this part, it will look something like this: click here.
3. Take the diaper and completely open it flat. Get your scissors and cut along the line where the lining for the diaper is.
The top and bottom should easily separate. Try your best to keep the absorbant material together, and not fall apart.
Click here for where to cut. This is where gel crystals live (more on that later)
The absorbant material is to be put aside for now.
It will be used as liner inside the container.
Leave the material on one side of the diaper outer layers to keep it all together and not make a mess.
4. Take your scissors and cut the tips off all the fingers of both dishwashing gloves.
Work one glove inside the other. It doesn't have to be "neat", in fact you want it a little bit in disorder.
Next, carefully take the absorbant material and loosely wrap it around the gloves, but take a little piece of the material off and drop it into the bottom of the container. Make sure you leave about 2-3 inches of glove tops unwrapped to fold over.
Take the newly wrapped gloves and slide it down inside the container, leaving a decent amount to wrap over the sides of the container to make "lips".
Next, take your glass of water and start pouring it down inside along the sides onto the absorbent material. Don't worry about leaking, the material is super absorbent and actually turns into gel crystals.
Click here to see what this looks like. Gel crystals!
Fully saturate all absorbent material until you see all the material getting fully drenched.
Be careful, it expands and it will replicate something solid to work with and will add weight to the toy.
Next, fold over the sleeves of the glove over the rim of the container.
Stretch two ends oblong to replicate "lips" and secure a thick rubber band. I would use two or three.
Click here to see what this looks like.
5. Take the condoms you put together, and with the Sharpie, work them down into the hole of the container with a bit sticking out the top to allow for folding over.
Click here to see what THIS looks like.
6. Lastly, simply take the tops off the condoms and fold them over the rim of the container. Try to get them a good half inch past the rim for security.
Be careful of your nails (not to rip them). Put them all on at once, this helps avoid any ripping.
When secured over the hrim, use a couple of thick rubber band sto keep them nice and tight around the edge.
And that's it!!!
When you're done, it should look like the picture above (on this item).
Use whatever lube you think is best and have fun!
If ANYONE tries this, please let everyone know how it went in the comments.
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Want to Just BUY Sex Toys for Men?
For those of us who aren't the Bob Vila of learning to f**k furniture and household appliances and prefer to buy our way into pleasure (you lazy bastards), there is actually a market for sex toys for men, but you really aren't going to be spending less than $50. If you think that's worth it (hey, it's still cheaper than a first date), then here are the best places to do it:
For great prices on all kinds of Sex Toys for Men there are always our friends over at Adam & Eve (click the link for the toys.)
The most popular, well-known male sex toy is the Fleshlight. The fleshlight is a sleeve like any of these seen here, only it is non-disposable, fully cleanable and supposedly feels extremely close to the real thing. The cheapest place to buy one (like most other things) is on Amazon. Here's the link(you're welcome.)
If there are any Raven Riley fans out there, there's actually a Raven Riley Fleshlight, which yes, is a perfect replica of her vagina: link to Raven Riley's Fleshlight
This inexpensive (about 5 bucks) "handjob massager" is basically just a sleeve that's softer than your hands, but might still work if you're looking to throw it into one of the contraptions on this list, or in between couch cushions/mattress pads: LINK to the Handjob Massager
If you're lazy AND cheap, though, you could always just go with the traditional blow up doll. I'd recommend the Inflatable Judy Doll. It's classic, blonde, short-haired and won't order the lobster at an expensive restaurant. Nothing wrong with buying a classic blow-up doll... unless one of these two things is true, then it is definitely not okay: 1) You show her to other people 2) She has a name.
So there you go, don't name your blow-up dolls, don't spend too much on sex toys, but do whatever you feel is best for you financially as well as physically and ALWAYS use lube (see here for inexpensive lube in a bunch of small bottles small enough to carry-on a plane) and have fun.
Also, if you're feeling adventurous, check out these other sex toys.
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Couch Cushion for the Pushin
Bringing a whole new meaning to the word "love seat", click here for an instructional video on how to make a small plastic concoction that will allow you to use your couch as the final ingredient.
You're about to get to know your couch a LOT better than you ever expected to.
In case you don't want to watch the video of cute redhead describing the best way to bang a couch, here's how to do it.
HOW TO MAKE
Materials: Ziploc bag, scissors, lubricant
1. Cut the seal strip off of your Ziploc bag
2. Squirt lubricant into the bag, make sure it covers the whole bag.
3. Bring the plastic bag over to your couch and put it under a cushion.
4. Get in the bag.
5. Push down on the couch for more pressure.
- 6+ 304- 226
And for all our BDSM friends out there, here's how to make a light flogger, good for smacking and general "Domination" stuff.
It's basically a soft whip that you use to hit people with.
These go for an arm and a leg, because they make them out of leather, usually.
Click here for the instructional video.
HOW TO MAKE
Materials: tourniquets, a wooden (or plastic) cylindrical handle (you can take it off an old hammer, even), electrical tape, rope strips (or anything you want to flog), a power drill
1. Burn the edge of the rope strips, so that they don't fray. It hardens the ends of the rope a little, so that it stings a little.
2. Get all your same-length rope strips together, then hold them around the wooden handle.
3. Tie some electrical tape around them. Tape them down really tightly and very securely. As tight as humanly possible to the wooden stick.
4. Tie it all the way down.
5. Use a power drill to drill a hole into the far end of the handle.
6. Tie a rope through it and you've got yourself a wrist handle, like you're playing Wii!
Easy 5-minute flogger. The guy in the video demonstrates what it sounds like when you flog it, he uses it on the floor and they flogs actually sound pretty brutal.
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Gary Busey's Inner Tube Ride
Gary Busey is really concerned with your sexual satisfaction and well-being. So concerned, in fact, that he devoted a whole episode of "The Busey Zone" (his YouTube web series) to informing his viewers of the sexual benefits of a conveyance generally associated with a drunk afternoon on the river.
Busey's suggestion for an easy homemade sex toy is to transform an inner tube into a floating sex toy that provides the user with both camouflage and pleasure so that you can enjoy a dip in the river whilst you dip your member into something else entirely.
The contraption Busey proposes is an inner tube with a hole cut in it so you can thrust into a section of rubber tubing from under water. He describes the whole experience as "a way to use an inner tube romantically", though this type of stick-and-thrust contraption leaves no room "romance" (unless, I suppose, you feed yourself chocolate in between humping a piece of dirty, floating rubber).
Though I have yet to try it (I'm just not interested in the kinds of diseases that might be floating around in a piss-laden lake and/or on an old, crusty inner tube), this device seems simple enough to make (as long as you set the seal properly) and has the potential to really liven up a lazy day on the river. Plus, since you're already in the water, no clean up!
HOW TO MAKEMaterials: Inner tube (preferably the heavy duty rubber kind like from a tire), rubber hosing, sealant
1. Deflate the inner tube.
2. Cut a mouth-size hole somewhere in the bottom of the inner tube. Just on the one side.
3. Insert the rubber hosing into the hole and use the sealant to make the inner tube air tight once more.
4. Set sail on the open river (with the hole side facing the water) and insert your "pleasure body parts" (penis) into the hole. You'll be underwater, so no one will know what a good time you and the inner tube are having.
4 (alt). If you are not near a large body of water, try a smaller inner tube in the tub or shower. If water's not your thing, throw some lubricant in the hose and carry on showing that inner tube who's boss.
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Squeeze Toy (G)love
This sex toy (one of many "homemade sex toys" made by YouTuber "MekodachiUD"), is the easiest. The things this guy makes sometimes look more like meat processors or torture devices than they do "sex toys". Most of his stuff can only be made from home if you have a Ph D. in mechanical engineering.
Take this thing, for instance, that I wouldn't use to to mix drinks with, let alone let ANYWHERE near my penis:
Click here for the most dangerous sex toy for men you will ever face. Not use, but "face". If it goes wrong, it will be your enemy.
You know those soft, spiky-looking squeeze toys that you can buy at your local pet stores? Well, buy three pairs of them (6 balls total) and you have a contraption that can only be described as "interesting".
Click here for the silent, creepy instructional video involving a really weird-strap on for demonstration. There's something about this guy's careful precision and his marching-band-gloves that make it almost feel like a serial killer is showing us how to do this. But hey, we all know serial killers are precise at least, right? Right.
The interesting/best part of this toy is that it actually encloses the penis instead of it just being a plastic bag that you bang. It closes around the penis and applies what looks like more pressure than anything else on this list.
Here are the written instructions for those of us who couldn't sit through A Clockwork Orange
HOW TO MAKE
Materials: spiky rubber balls, a rubber glove, lubricant
1. Keep the rubber balls in their net-like casing, so that they stay together (if you can't find models exactly like the ones in the video, then just get 6 rubber balls).
2. Put the rubber balls into a plastic glove, making sure that there is adequate depth and that it's really a triangular three rows of two balls pointing towards the outside of the glove.
3. Position the balls, make sure the glove is keeping its form.
4. Apply lubricant.
5. Stretch out the contraption to fit your penis inside, then close the contraption around it.
6. Get your jolly rogers off.
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