The Blob - A Boy and His BlobLet me start this list out like I did most of my C-grade essays in College... What is a blob?BUY @ amazon
It's just an amorphous lump of something. Anything, really. It could be anything. That's what made the original concept of this monster so damn terrifying. What goes on once you're in there (this is also why the Killer Tomatoes were scary -- an shut up, yes they were).
How do you kill something that has no internal organs? How do you stop something that can slither into your room through the smallest crack in your door? The answer is, you don't. That's what makes it so frightening. Check out this clip from the 1988 movie "The Blob" to get a feel for what I'm talking about.
Intense right? Now. Would you want your son running around with a gooey mass of ravenous silly-putty? Well the kid's parents in "A Boy and His Blob" didn't seem to mind. Of course, when you take away the hunger for human flesh and replace it with a craving for Jelly Bellies and give the thing the disposition of Fido then I can kind of understand.
The coolest part about some of film's greatest monsters is that they scared us. When you make it as cute and cuddly as the blob in this video game, you're taking the power away from an iconic monster, and therefore rendering it less-scary and almost moot.
In the game, all that the cute little alien Blob wants to do is get home with the help of the kid and his jelly beans. It is still kind of horrifying though if you think about it. What if there were a food that you were so allergic to that it made you change into shapes like a trampoline or a pothole? Sounds painful.
Witches - Left 4 DeadWhile "Left 4 Dead" is one of the scariest video games I have ever played, I have to say that the "Witch" in it leaves much to be desired as far as actual "witches" go. Sure she is terrifying, what with the lost little girl sobbing and god help you if you spook her with your flashlights. To call her a Witch, though, is a little off the mark. She doesn't cast spells. She doesn't control all the powers of hell with her dark soul she sold to Satan. She isn't even really a zombie.BUY @ amazon
When I think of a Witch I think of something like this:
Or Bette Midler in Hocus Pocus. Or that actually kind of scary Angelica Houston head witch from the Roald Dahl book "The Witches". Or The Blair Witch. Or those crazy chicks from The Craft. Basically anyone that wants to hurt you via weird magic that will ruin your life.
The Witches in Left 4 Dead aren't only horrible witches, but they're not even zombies. They're more accurately "infected".
So then why call them Witches? Is it just because they act hysterical and are crying most of the time? Is that really it?
If so, then the name isn't just wrong and inaccurate, but inherently sexist, as they're just using the pregorative
Vampires - Kid DraculaVampires have taken a bad hit in the last few years. They have been pretty much neutered thanks to the sparkly teen angst of a certain film/book series. (Thanks a LOT, Bloodlines series. What? What did you think I meant?)BUY @ amazon
This, for example, is a travesty.
They've turned teenage girls from loving boy bands to all being weirdly obsessive, love-hungry, potential necrophiliacs.
Not to sound like an old fogy (or like the entire internet) but I remember when vampires were scary as hell. They stalked their prey, ripped out throats and drank from the headless stumps of their victims.
There are some great examples of vampires in video games like Dracula and Alucard (which is Dracula backwards, get it?!) in the Castlevania series.
Kid Dracula was introduced in the early 90's by Konami, the same people that made the aforementioned Castlevania series.
Kid Dracula was supposed to be a little kid friendly version of those games. I can understand wanting to reach a younger audience, but who wants to play a game where you are an annoying little brat with a famous dad who just leaps around shooting spitballs are people? Sounds like the premise of George W. Bush: The Game amirite? Right?! [Insert another vague, dated political reference here.]
In the end though, I would probably take Kid Dracula over Sparkly Shoegazer anytime.
In Kid Dracula, you start the game by shooting fire at something, thus making it daytime. And for some reason, you don't melt. So THAT'S strike one.
Then you go into the first level, which looks like the opening screen of Super Mario Bros 2. You then have to use your fireball Dracula powers (?) to collect money and get hurt by jumping sometimes.
You kill zombies (who should be out doing your bidding) and then go out on your quest to destroy a giant dinosaur/lizard. Because that's what vampires do.
Zombies - Plants vs ZombiesZombies are a touchy subject in the horror community. There are constant debates on whether they should be slow or fast. Dead or infected.BUY @ amazon
It doesn't matter what camp you fall into though, because I think we can all agree that zombies don't eat vegetables.
Sure, it's adorable that they are wearing traffic cones on their heads or running like a pole-vaulter, but if they are doing all that to get to your delicious sunflowers, then there's something extremely wrong with the picture. Unless of course we are dealing with Vegan zombies, which just seems redundant since most Vegans I know are pretty much zombies anyway. (No offense Janet.)
But these zombies aren't really what you're looking for. Yes, they're slow moving and they're dead, but can they really not get over some plants? Also, why not just use lawnmowers the entire time? It just seems practical.
And yes yes, I know that the whole game (which by the way is one of my favorite tower defense games of all time) takes place in a nightmarish world where plants have feelings and they grow in a matter of seconds, being able to manipulate, harness and hand out the power of the sun, but that doesn't mean that zombies should be any lamer.
Why waste time eating vegetables? If peas from a pod are really going to knock these zombies down, why the hell is everyone locked up in their homes? A set of headphones should suffice as nunchucks in that zombie apocalypse and you'd be fine.
Frankenstein's Monster - Adventures of Dr. FrankenFrankenstein is a classic story of a doctor trying to overcome death by mastering life (kind of like Pinocchio, actually). The only problem is that the monster he cobbles together has no moral center so he goes on rampages over the smallest things, like say, a burning torch to the face. (And yes, his name is Frankenstein's Monster, NOT Frankenstein, that is the doctor. If you take anything away from our time together please let it be that. Those of you that know this are rolling your eyes, but Halloween costume packages with big monster wigs and neck nodes still say Frankenstein on them. Also, you should learn that I make wonderful cookies when I have enough time. Because I do). Since the monster is a hulking beast, he easily destroys everything that he touches. Which makes him terrifying. Also, he's a reanimated corpse.BUY @ amazon
So when you take away the menace of the monster's height, strength and attitude and replace it with shorts, flip-flops and a love of sunglasses you ruin everything that there is to love about him.
Also, it has a 90s flare to it that makes it the epitome of the exact kind of lame we experienced in those days. Seems like they could really just turn any character into a guy who's always happy, cocky and happens to enjoy going to the beach, and he's automatically "relatable".
I never loved the beach. This didn't work on me.
Is it adorable that he gets all steamy when he runs out of energy? Sure, but it doesn't make up for the fact that this guy would probably get beat up by the little girl at the river instead of ripping her apart and throwing her in, like a good monster.
Also, how the hell did he get so agile? Whatever happened to waddling around everywhere like some kind of deranged, murderous penguin?
He seems to be able to travel to random parts of the world without packing a single change of clothes and always being dressed for Southern California instead of oh, I don't know, the places he's going?
Also, why would ghosts and large heads that look like him and somehowfly give him so much trouble? He's a monster too.
Which brings me back to my original point that int he context of this game, no. No he's not a monster. Not anymore.
This game is like taking a hamburger and getting rid of the bun, meat and only eating the condiments and veggies. That's a salad. And salads are disgusting.
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