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- 1vResponsible for John Connor in Terminator 2: Judgment Day
So imagine you are a cyborg sent back through time for the sole purpose of protecting humanity’s one true hope. You would stop at nothing to ensure that your target lives. You know how weapons work, you will hotwire cars, you will disobey laws of traffic, travel naked (for some reason) and literally melt the skin of your face to fulfill your goal. You basically are what people will pay to see. What you get instead is a kid who now considers himself the coolest badass ever thanks to his pet robot. Just take a look at the scene where John Connor tricks a couple of guys into pushing the Terminator around just because he can. He calls out for help, they come to his aid, he calls them a name and then gets the T-100 to kick their asses. What a little dick. Eff this kid.
If you were the Terminator and you were reduced to say catchphrases like "no problem" or "eat me" or "chill out, dickwad" to the bad guys because a kid told you to, you’d kill yourself too.
Wanna feel a little better? Here's what he looks like now: Link to Edward Furlong in 2010
- 2vResponsible for Anakin Skywalker in Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace (aka, responsible for making Darth Vader say "Yippee" in a movie.)
Mention this name and it wouldn’t be a surprise to hear Star Wars fans in a 10 mile radius groaning in misery.
This was the result they got from 16 years of waiting for the beloved saga in film history to be a complete: the supposedly fabled Anakin Skywalker prancing around saying "yipeeee" with his pal, Jar Jar Binks (let’s not get started on that one).
The delivery alone of "one day, I’m going to be a Jedi" pretty much negates any logical path that one day this boy will be Darth Vader. The corruption of one of the most fearful movie characters in history dwindled down to nothing but an annoying kid in a Searching for Bobby Fischer plot.
Where is he now? Well, he's doing what Lou Ferigno's been doing for the last 20 years... the convention circuit! Nothing like charging $30 for your autograph and even more for pictures with you to pay your rent. Laurels have never been more comfy. Here's what he looks like .
- 3vResponsible for Short Round in Indiana Jones and The Temple of Doom
Short Round: Hang on, lady, we goin’ for a ride.
Willie: Oh, my God, oh my God….Is he nuts?
Short Round: He no nuts, he crazy!
Indiana Jones: [groping desperately down Willie's dress] Where's the antidote?
Willie: Oh, listen, I just met you! Oh, I'm not that kind of girl...
Short Round: Hey, Dr. Jones, no time for love. We've got company.
He might have kind of redeemed himself by playing the exact same character in The Goonies, but dear Lord did he almost ruin one of the greatest films any childhood has to offer.
Joseph Mazzello and Ariana RichardsvResponsible for Tim and Lex Murphy in Jurassic Park
Don’t shine the flashlight at the T-Rex. Don’t. Don’t. Don’t. Oh, you just did. The kids in Jurassic Park are clearly written only to make the audience excited to see dinosaurs eat them.
And tell the audience what to feel. Let’s get scared when poor Tim doesn’t have the guts to jump off the soon-to-be electrified fence. Let’s marvel at the brachiosaurs, but really laugh when they blow snot in their faces. And then when the real danger comes, how will you stop the velociraptors from breaking in? Oh, you’re a computer hacker that can override locks just like the genius door-knob-turning raptors? Convenient.
- 5vResponsible for Ron Weasley in Harry Potter and The Sorcerer's Stone
This character displayed something that actually gets most of these kids on this list: forced, inappropriate and contrived sarcasm.
The smartest witch in the class tells him this ("Just relax. It'll kill you faster if you don't!") and what does he say? "Kill me faster? Oh, now I can relax!" Then do and stop moving. His "god, blimey" and "bloody hell" gross out face probably gets more attention in this movie than the attention the wizarding world gives Harry’s scar.
But hey, at least he did spawn Ron in Harry Potter Puppet Pals. ( Click here to see what this wonderous world contains )
- 6vResponsible for Mutt Williams in Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, Everything Else He's Ever Been In
Poor, poor Indy. Besides having to go through the torment of a surviving a nuclear explosion in a fridge and going down the waterfall 3 times, he gets to be a father. A lot can go wrong when you throw in a badass having to endure children (think of Arnie in Kindergarten Cop). Granted, Mutt might not be a little, little kid, but the fact that he swings Tarzan-like with CGI-monkeys to Indy’s rescue and dares to call Indy "gramps" certainly diminishes his Indy bloodline and emphasizes more of "annoying to watch sidekick". Where is Young Indiana Jones when you need him?
- 7vResponsible for Rachel Ferrier in War of the Worlds When faced in a nightmarish situation, scream and you’ll likely earn the title of "scream queen". Scream throughout the entire movie, and you’ll likely piss the audience off. It’s become more fun to watch War of the Worlds and guess at what point the movie become less about attacking aliens and the human struggle around such events and instead more of a soapish account of Tom Cruise trying to get Dakota Fanning to calm down. The fact that the climax of the movie relies on her getting kidnapped and Tom Cruise has to rescue her from the alien pods is irritating, at best. And it doesn’t help that her brother decides mid-way through the movie that his purpose in life is to take part in a hopeless assault instead of resolving petty daddy issues. Drinking game: whenever Dakota Fanning makes an annoying sound. Make sure you bring cash for a cab.