politics & history The 8 Craziest (Real) Secret Service Overreactions  

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Here in the United States, we live under the constant and all-seeing eye of the government. This list is indisputable proof. They listen to what we say, watch what we do, and then interpret it, which is fine. But sometimes, they react a little too quickly. Here are some of the most unfounded and insanely obscure times they have done so. And just for fun, here's a test to see if they track me down: I think the President has a weird haircut. I'm going to style it for him in his sleep this weekend. Email me for details. *rolls dice*

Secret Service Interrogates 7th Grader for Facebook Post

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Recently in Tacoma, WA, a 7th grader named Vito LaPinta was pulled out of class by an important-looking dude in a suit and sunglasses who, according to him "Makes this look good" (not really). It wasn't a coach, a principal, or even a superintendent. No, no, this was far more serious.

"A man walked in with a suit and glasses and he said he was part of the Secret Service," LaPinta said. "He told me it was because of a post I made that indicated I was a threat toward the President."

That's right. After Osama Bin Laden was killed by US Armed Forces, LaPinta posted on Facebook that President Obama should be careful, because there may be some people who may want to avenge the terror leader's death.

Apparently, this was enough to raise eyebrows in the White House, and somehow a crew was dispatched in time to get ahold of the boy while he was in school and question him for awhile before his mother arrived and raised hell.

Really? Like, f*cking, really?

Regardless of how weird his name is, I seriously doubt this guy has any connections to Al Qaeda. The craziest part about this is that 7th graders are on Facebook now. Although at that age, you probably could get a girlfriend with a "poke" or two. Also, how many people are they visiting? Seriously? You know how many ultra right wing conservative bloggers out there that probably said FAR WORSE than this guy did are out there? Were all of THOSE guys visited? How many of the 9/11 hijackers were in 7th grade?

I'm missing the connection here almost entirely.

Anyway, check out the news report for the full story. There you'll see that the mother wasn't notified that anything was even going on until the boy had been questioned (and taken out of class) for over half an hour and that the agents said he wasn't in any trouble, but nonetheless... what do you do with your Facebook statuses at that point? Do you update when you have a new girlfriend? Do you make fun of celebrities anymore? The motherf*cking Secret Service is watching you... do you tell them what you had for lunch or ask what their preference is on Daft Punk singles?

I guess only this little kid would know.

Suburban Mother Questioned Over a Phone Call

Sue Velesquez, 52, was on the phone with a local civil service office about getting her daughter's passport problems figured out. Apparently her daughter was set to be married, but couldn't officially tie the knot without her citizenship documents, which were taking too long to be delivered.

"It's not like I'm gonna kill the f*cking president," said Velesquez over the phone.

Boom. An hour later, she was called by a man who said he was from the Secret Service who told her that he was "outside [her] home".

They sent three police cars to escort her to a police station after this. Threatening to kill, harm or kidnap the president is a federal crime, but this lady just made a joke. It's insane how closely we're being monitored.

So, she got called to the police station like a kid to the principal's office.

"When the agents asked for my driver's license, my hands were literally shaking... And then they wanted me to sign a medical release, and I said, 'You can kiss my a**'... I told them, 'You're wasting your time and our taxpayer money in this economic time on this BS?'

The woman was never even able to even get help to expedite her daughter's citizenship.


Secret Service Goes Nuts Over Facebook Poll Asking If Obama Should Be Killed

In Fall of 2009, Facebook enabled a feature allowing its users to create and then vote in polls, with its "Questions" app.

However, almost immediately, one user created "Should Obama be killed?" with the following answers:
-If he cuts my health care

The Secret Service contacted Facebook (who is apparently willing to throw your personal information under the bus at a moment's notice) immediately, and a spokesperson (not Jesse Eisenberg) said the application "was immediately suspended while the inappropriate content could be removed by the developer and until such time as the developer institutes better procedures to monitor their user-generated content."

What were they expecting, moderation on FACEBOOK?

I figure the "if he cuts my health care" option is inevitable, but "maybe"? How indecisive are you? A man's life is on the line here and you don't even have the balls to side with anyone? If you ask me, THOSE are the people that should have been chosen for investigation... and then factored out of our voting system.


UFC Fighter Jacob Volkmann Interviewed After Post-Fight Remark

In January, Jacob Volkmann, a UFC fighter, was interviewed after one of his competitions and, for some reason, asked for his political views.

"He's not too bright," said Volkmann of President Barack Obama (ironic). "Someone's gotta knock some sense into that idiot..." which is really probably one of the only ways the guy knows how to solve anything, I mean c'mon, he's a professional FIGHTER. He went to school, watched TV and all he realized he wanted to do throughout his entire childhood of watching movies and reading books was beat the living sh*t out of fellow human beings.

The Secret Service saw this as nothing to sneeze at and went to visit the fighter at his home, asking him questions like "Do you plan on going to Washington to do anything to the President?" Which really, is pretty direct.

C'mon, Secret Service (I know you're reading this because of the last sentence of the description), get a little more creative about it. What ever happened to getting the right answers out of people? Mind control? Leading questions? Just plain out asking it? Lame.

Even if Volkmann was as dangerous as they suspected, I don't think this interrogation method would have gotten him to crack. A simple "no" and Obama's the next victim in Volkmann's ultimate fighting wake.

Volkmann, as this is being written, will most likely kill the president, based on the 0% of lies that are told whenever fighters are interviewed. *Waits for an email*

Eminem Investigated Over Song Lyrics

Back in 2003, a leak of Eminem's upcoming song "We As Americans" featured the line:

"I don't rap for dead presidents/ I'd rather see the president dead"

Of course, the Secret Service caught wind of this and took it quite seriously, investigating Mr. Mathers deeper. His representatives defended him by saying the song wasn't meant to be heard by the public yet, and that it wasn't to be taken seriously (much like most of his music).

They actually went ahead and investigated Eminem just because he made a violent song lyric, and then made that investigation public somehow.

But are Secret Service officials really big Eminem fans? Maybe that's what they play in those little earpieces all day...


Pastor Prays for Obama to Die, SS Interrogates

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Okay, this idiot should've seen it coming. Listen to his sermon. His leading quote from it?

"This country is run by f*ggots."

Yep. This guy's a stand-up citizen...

President Obama was set to visit Tempe, AZ in the summer of 2009. Controversial pastor Steven Anderson knew this, and vocally voiced his opinion, praying that President Obama would contract brain cancer and die in a sermon called "Why I Hate Barack Obama." Steven, unless you didn't notice, has always been a huge fan of something that us writers call subtlety.

He went as far as to say our President should "melt like a snail" for supporting a woman's right to have an abortion. A SNAIL. The scariest part of that, for our national security: the fact that this guy has, at some point in his life, despite his Christian ideals and public stature, attempted to actually melt snails at some point in his life. If this guy isn't a supervillan in the making, I don't know who is.

Well, the men in black leaped into action and interviewed this guy, eventually determining that he wasn't actually going to do anything seriously harmful to the President. Just another religious fanatic doing what religious fanatics do best: talk.

The same guy was later tased by border patrol cops after deciding that "You know what? I have the right to travel without being searched and without being questioned." Where was God when one of his men was being repeatedly tased for breaking the law? Somewhere off not giving a f*ck about people who feel that they're above the law.

Multiple Artists Questioned/Harassed Over Their Drawing of Presidents in Danger

There are a few cases of this, so in the interest of time and conservation, here are a few of them in the same item.

1.In April 2004, a 15 year-old artist at a high school in Prosser, Washington drew pictures of then-President Bush as the devil and with his head on a stick in true Lord of the Flies fashion. School officials told the police (thank God), who relayed the message to the Secret Service (appropriately).

Agents came and did their usual questioning on the young man, who I'm sure got exactly what he wanted. Washington hipsters....


2. At an art exhibit in Chicago, a man who drew artwork showing a gun to the president's head (it was George W. Bush, so honestly, this must've happened thousands of times).

The art piece was called "Patriot Act", cleverly, and another piece by a friend of that artist's was called "Axis of Evil -- The Secret History of Sin." The Secret Service showed up at the art gallery, which was probably a huge thrill for the artist ("People love my art!"), but less so once they started asking questions.


3. Yazmany Arboleda set up an art installation called "The Assassination of Hillary Clinton/The Assassination of Barack Obama" which featured Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton defaming each other. It was a metaphorical portrayal of the character assassination that was going on among Hillary and Obama during their campaigns.

The Secret Service not only forced him to take it down, but postponed the installation, covering the title of the art piece with large sheets of brown paper and masking tape.

At first, the artists was not allowed to talk to reporters, but when he could, he said this:

"It's art... It's not supposed to be harmful. It's about character assassination -- about how Obama and Hillary have been portrayed in the media... It was about an hour of questioning. They asked if I owned guns, if I was a violent person, if I had ever been institutionalized." Arboleda answered "no" to all the questions, but the Secret Service asked him to take down the exhibition's title.

They later denied that, and then provided both Hillary and Obama with Secret Service protection because of the incident. This was before Obama was even the official Democratic nominee in May of 2007, making it the earliest point in a campaign that a candidate had ever been given Secret Service protection.