The 9 Most Horrible Schools in Video Game History

For a game that's kind of a perverted Harry Potter side-scroller for hentai fans, it really doesn't have the best school in gaming, as far as educational value goes.

Obviously reviewed by virgins over at the ESRB (or just by people with disproportionately healthy childhoods), this game is somehow E10, despite the innuendos revolving around students and their creepy, Dateline-NBC-bait teachers.

The game is about a young magician named Lilliet who goes to a magic school and is taught the ways of magic by the school's powerful teachers. On the 5th day of her new education, she discovers that pretty much everyone has been killed.

She then finds herself back at the first day of school. So this game, is pretty much a Groundhog Day Harry Potter side-scroller for hentai fans, excuse my previous assessment.

So why is this school so bad? Well, everyone in it got killed and you, the new girl, are the only one who can help.

OH YEAH and all the suggested child rapists! Almost forgot about those.

Skip to about 30 seconds into this video to see Advocat appear and redefine the creepy uncle.

Here are some quotes that he says to his underaged niece in this game:

"From your head to those slender legs... how does it feel, deep inside that body?"

"Just looking at you is enough to... pique (emphasis on the "pique") my interest"

After that, the conversation goes on and you realize that when this guy says "devil", he means "rapist", to which the main character says

"Teacher?... You're a teacher?"

Worst. School. Ever.

This isn't so much a horrible school, as much as it's the worst possible school experience ever and it is OH SO freaking TYPICAL for any geek that went to a public high school.

Ghoul School, for those of you who didn't bravely rent this when you were little, is an actually pretty awesome game for the NES about a guy named Spike who finds a skull. He brings the skull into the school and a teacher named Dr. Femur decided to keep it there. Turns out the skull was evil, blah blah blah, it sent ghosts and demons there.

So not only is every teacher/jock (no geeks, mind you, just the enemies of life) a demon, but they all want to kill you. And what's more they actually kidnap the head cheerleader, who you happen to have a crush on.

Here to the left is the ending to Ghoul School where you save the day in this school where even the freaking PIPES are haunted, salvaging the "beautiful" dresses-like-kelly-kapowski head cheerleader as you both watch the ghosts and ghouls and demons leave the school forever.

This was stressful, but you win out in the end, right?

WRONG

1. These ghosts/ghouls/demons seem to be umm... HEADING OUT INTO THE WORLD LIKE THAT SCENE IN GHOSTBUSTERS.

and most importantly...

2. Spike, the main character, who saved everyone and is the hero of the story, tries to hold the head cheerleader's hand after saving her life. Check out what happens.

SPOILER: She'll have NONE of it. Spike tries again and she rejects him AGAIN. As the fruits of his labor keep spewing out of the school, ostensibly saving the day, he keeps looking to her for affirmation that will never come.

She won't even HOLD HIS HAND! After all that! What. A. bitch.

Oh well, looks like the whole situation was... out of his hands ( YEEEEEEEEEEEAH!!! ).

Going to either of these schools would be a nightmare.

Okay, first of all if you go to their high school, your school name is the Cuckoos. Whoever hated where they worked enough to name the mascot something that's a derogatory term for "crazy" (even if this school is 100 years old, that reference stands), obviously didn't set this school up for "success" in the first place; Otherworld version or not.

Oh yeah, and then there's that whole thing about monsters and horrible, unspeakable (apparently) pasts.

In Silent Hill, Midwich Elementary School, on the other equally screwed up hand, is the site where the main character goes looking for his estranged daughter, where not only are there weird Otherworld creatures and small children running around scaring the crap out of you and then humping your leg with their deadly face, but even when you're not in the Otherworld, all the kids there seem to have been treated horribly enough for them to imagine monsters that will drive adults crazy (literally, not like a stressed out teacher) or actually KILL them.

Alessa, the first protagonist's daughter, has a "dark past" originating in that school, even.

DEFINITELY sending my kids to private school if they ever clean that area up enough to buy a house there.

Walnut Log Community College is basically a more unfriendly version of what you see in the intro to your left.

It's an entire school filled with overly-douchey rich antagonists from 80s movies back when people cared whether or not people had money as far as social circumstances went.

Let's say you're not Larry and you're just a regular student going to this college, here's what you have to deal with:

1. Archetypes and stereotypes. Almost EXCLUSIVELY. None of the girls are going to even LOOK at you because you're not (literally) cartoonishly strong or dashing. They're all pretty dumb and you pretty much have to fit into one of the pre-established social cliques to have ANY kind of life.

2. The teachers are basically the dean from that Simpsons episode where Homer goes back to college. None of your teachers will ever be your friends because this retro-throwback game makes them all your enemies.

3. This one's actually kind of awesome: all the girls are vapid, easy, sex-hungry s**ts. This will be the best college experience a guy could POSSIBLY have... unless you're a girl. That's right, ladies, you heard me. That's what women are in this sexploitation/puzzle game universe: big-boobed objects that are created to please dudes who sit at home doing this while people walk home from bars to actually touch each other "IRL".

Don't worry, though, if you're a girl in this game, you'll most likely be too dumb to care you've lost your soul, so really it's a win/win for everyone.

Either way this goes, being stuck in this school would be absolutely insane if you weren't the main character or part of the popular clique, which, c'mon, we all really think we'd be part of (but we'd be wrong).