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The Best Simpsons Epi-ma-sodes By analise.dubner [218 more lists]
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This is a hard thing to do, ranking Simpsons episodes. Sure, it hasn't been brilliant for a long time, but it had an amazing run of incredible, never-grow-old, always-funny episodes. Years worth. And while some just have some of the best bits EVER, others are just a cohesive blend of perfect timing and perfect writing. Picking just 10 or 20 is impossible. So I picked my favorites... ones I couldn't in good conscience, cull out. I ended up with 85. Putting them in order was difficult... and I guarantee I will move some up and other down... but overall, these 85 (464 total made) are television comedy gold. Warning: Fox may have any or all of these clips removed from YouTube at any time.
- 110"Have the Rolling Stones Killed."
It's almost impossible to pick the best Simpsons Episode, but this one is easily in the top 5, and I put it at the top because that's just the kind of day it is. Of course, this is a Swartzwelder ep, probably all these in the top 10 or even 20 are.
Smithers: I have some sad news to report. A small puppy, not unlike Lassie, was just run over in the parking lot.
(Audience gasps)
Smithers: And now it's time for the comedy stylings of Homer Simpson!
Homer: Are you ready to laugh? -
- 210Lisa Needs Braces - DENTAL PLAN
So much awesomeness. This is possibly a perfect episode in terms of structure. But down to the details, every single one is gold. The Grinch parody with Mr. Burns, Lisa's protest guitarin', the Smartline bits, the dentists office...
This ep was also the source of Grandpa's awesome Union buster speech to mr Burns:
"We can't bust heads like we used to, but we have our ways. One trick is to tell 'em stories that don't go anywhere - like the time I caught the ferry over to Shelbyville. I needed a new heel for my shoe, so, I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on 'em. Give me five bees for a quarter, you'd say.
Now where were we? Oh yeah: the important thing was I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time. They didn't have white onions because of the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones..."
Boy: You can't treat the working man this way. One day we'll form a union and get the fair and equittable treatment we deserve. Then we'll go too far, and get corrupt and shiftless and the Japanese will eat us alive!
Mr. Burns' Grandfather: The Japanese!? Those sandal-wearing goldfish tenders? Bosh! Flimshaw!
(Years Later)
Mr. Burns: If only we'd listened to that boy, instead of walling him up in the abandoned coke oven.
Lisa: Do you really think you can get our dental plan back, dad?
Homer: Well, that depends on who's the better negotiator, Mr. Burns or me...
Bart: Dad, I'll trade you this delicious doorstop for your crummy old Danish.
Homer: Done and done!
Mr. Burns: Simpson, eh? New man?
Smithers: He thwarted your campaign for governor, you ran over his son, he saved the plant from meltdown, his wife painted you in the nude...
Mr. Burns: Doesn't ring a bell.
Dr. Wolfe: How often do you brush, Ralph.
Ralph: Three times a day, sir.
Dr. Wolfe: Why must you turn my office into a house of lies? - 310I wanted to put this one at #1, but couldn't deny the awesome of Rosebud. Still, the Planet of the Apes musical still makes me laugh myself to death.
Lisa: Dad, what's a Muppet?
Homer: Well, it's not quite a mop, and it's not quite a puppet, but man… (laughs) So to answer your question: I don't know.
Parker: Ever hear of Planet of the Apes?
Troy: Uh, the movie or the planet?
Parker: The brand-new multimillion dollar musical. And you are starring… as the human.
Troy: It's the part I was born to play, baby! -
- 410The visual gag of homer obsessed with Clown College and seeing everything around him as bobbing clowns is one that has stayed with me forever and ever.
"Aw, being a clown sucks! You get kicked by kids, bit by dogs, and admired by the elderly. Who am I clowning? I have no business being a clown! I'm leaving the clowning business to all the other clowns in the clowning business! "
Krusty's Accountant: So let me get this straight - you took all the money you made franchising your name and bet it AGAINST the Harlem Globetrotters?
Krusty the Clown: But I thought the Generals were due.
[watches the game on TV]
Krusty the Clown: He's spinning the ball on his finger. Just take it. That game is fixed! - 510First of all. The sandwich. Maybe if not for the sandwich, I wouldn't have put this one so high. But ... sandwich, I could never stay mad at you.
Homer (to sandwich): Another foot and it'll fit in the fridge!
Homer: Marge, I'd like to be alone with the sandwich for a moment.
Marge: Are you going to eat it?
Homer: (short silence) ...Yes.
Also. Duff Gardens. Nuff said. - 610Albert Brooks is Scorpio. This is easily my favorite of his many Simpsons roles. So. So. Funny.
I quote almost everything Hank Scoprio said... constantly, and every time I see it, I still laugh.
Hank Scorpio: Uh, hi, Homer. What can I do for you?
Homer: Sir, I need to know where I can get some business hammocks.
Hank Scorpio: Hammocks? My goodness, what an idea. Why didn't I think of that? Hammocks! Homer, there's four places. There's the Hammock Hut, that's on third.
Homer: Uh-huh.
Hank Scorpio: There's Hammocks-R-Us, that's on third too. You got Put-Your-Butt-There.
Homer: Mm-Hmm.
Hank Scorpio: That's on third. Swing Low, Sweet Chariot... Matter of fact, they're all in the same complex; it's the hammock complex on third.
Homer: Oh, the hammock district!
Hank Scorpio: That's right.
Hank Scorpio:What happened?... When did that happen?... How much of it?... Oh my goodness, I'll be right up!
[Hangs up the phone]
Hank Scorpio: Homer, I've gotta go, there's a problem upstairs! Somebody ate part of my lunch! - 710Like so many of these great, great episodes, you have to see them in action to appreicate the nuance of the timing and the character animation. Watching Homer walk as a fat man is honestly brilliant. The scene where he's sitting on his couch in his mummu waving his "reaching broom" at the kids who are staring at him through the window is pure awesome.
Woman on Phone: The fingers you have used to dial are too fat. To obtain a special dialing wand, please mash the keypad with your palm now.
Dr. Nick: Instead of making sandwiches with bread, use pop tarts. Instead of chewing gum, chew bacon.
Bart: You could brush your teeth with milkshakes.
Dr. Nick: Hey, did you go to Hollywood Upstairs Medical College too? - 810Marge: I still thing we should have used the money to fix Main Street.
Homer: Well, you should have written a song like that guy.
This is possibly one of the best epsiodes that Conan O'Brien wrote for the Simpsons. The song alone is worth its #9 slot. Not to mention the Town Hall conversations surrounding the song. Pure brilliance. Decisions by Committee at their finest!
Marge: Homer, there's a man here who thinks he can help you.
Homer: Batman?
Marge: No, he's a scientist.
Homer: Batman's a scientist.
Marge: It's NOT Batman. - 910Another brilliant Swartzelder ep. Mr. Burns could be one of my top 5 favorite characters, and this ep is full of everything that makes him so great.
Homer: Here are your messages: You have thirty minutes to move your car. You have ten minutes. Your car has been impounded. Your car has been crushed into a cube. You have thirty minutes to move your cube.
(Phone Rings)
Homer: Hello, Mr. Burns' office.
Mr. Burns: Is it about my cube?
Bart: What did you get that for?
Homer: For knocking Mr. Burns out of a 3rd story window.
Bart: Makes sense to me.
Lisa: Did he die?
Homer: What am I, a doctor? - 1010Although I was never a huge fan of Sideshow Bob, I appreciate a lot of the kinds of humor he could bring.
But this episode makes this list on two brilliant things all by itself.
One)
The Rake Gag
Two)
[Home is in an office with two FBI men letting him know about going to the federal witness protection program]
FBI man 1: Tell you what, Mr. Simpson, from now on your name is Homer Thompson,at Terror Lake.Let's just practice a bit, hmmmm? So when I say hello Mr. Thompson, you say hi.
Homer: Check!
FBI man 1: Hello, Mr. Thompson.
[Homer stares blankly]
FBI man 1: [pause]
FBI man 1: Now, remember, your name is Homer Thompson.
Homer: I gotcha!
FBI man 1: Hello, Mr. Thompson.
[again Homer stares blankly]
FBI man 1: [FBI men stare at each other]
[hours pass by]
FBI man 1: [frustrated] Argh... Now when I say "Hello Mr. Thompson" and press down on your foot, you smile and nod.
Homer: No problem.
[stepping hard on Homer's foot]
FBI man 1: Hello, Mr. Thompson.
[Homer stares blankly again for a few seconds]
Homer: [whispering to the FBI man next to him] I think he's talking to you. - 1110It's so funny that one of my favorite episodes wasn't super well-received at the time of airing. But it contains two of my favorite Simpsons' storylines. Brad Goodman and the Trampoline. Brad Goodman, of course, was voice by the awesome Albert Brooks, and is, again, brilliant.
Brad Goodman is a reference to John Bradshaw, an author whose books gave us the notion of the `inner child'. Bradshaw used hilariously simple line drawings to get his points across (cf. the circle Goodman draws on the blackboard) and had no professional training or credentials. (Oh my god, it's Glen Beck!!)
Brad: Folks, I'm often asked about my qualifications. Well, I may not have a lot of "credentials" or "training", but I tell you one thing: I'm a Ph.D. in pain. Now let me show you how you can change your life. [Steps to a blackboard] Troy, this circle is you. [draws one]
Troy: My God, it's like you've known me all my life!
Goodman: You know, my course can help you with every personality disorder in the "Feel Bad Rainbow." Let's look at the rainbow: what's in there? [reads list] Depression, insomnia, motor-mouth, darting eyes, indecisiveness, decisiveness, bossiness, uncontrollable falling down, geriatric profanity disorder (or GPD), and chronic nagging. - 1210This episode introduced me to another one of my favorite characters, Kirk Van Houten... Milhouse's dad who gets divorced from Milhouse's mom in this one. Some of the visual gags are my all-time favorites: Kirk's hilarious bachelor apartment... the awesome, dated 70s reject, goodwill furniture and the name: Casa Nova: A Transitional Place For Singles.
Kirk: Single life is great, Homer. I can do whatever I want. Today I drank a beer in the bathroom.
Homer: The one down the hall?
Kirk: Yeah! And another great thing, you get your own bed. I sleep in a racing car, do you?
Homer: I sleep in a big bed with my wife.
Kirk: Oh, yeah...
And Kirk's beautiful, beautiful song he sings at the end to win his wife back (failing)
Can I borrow a feeling?
Could you lend me a jar of love?
Hurtin' hearts need some healin'.
Take my hand with your glove of love. - 1310I admit that so much of this ep is hilarious because it makes fun of the film industry. But it also contains Ranier Wolfcastle. Which is an automatic +10.
Director: Okay, listen up everybody: this is the hardest, most expensive scene in the movie, and we only get one shot at it, so we have to do it just right. Fallout Boy will untie Radioactive Man and pull him to safety, moments before he's hit with a forty-foot wall of sulfuric acid that will horribly burn everything in its path. Now that's real acid, so I want to see goggles, people.
Wolfcastle: Real acid?
Wolfcastle: My Eyes! The Goggles, they do nothing!
Martin: Uh, Sir, why don't you just use real cows?
Painter: Cows don't look like cows on film. You gotta use horses.
Ralph: What do you do if you want something that looks like a horse?
Painter: Eh, usually we just tape a bunch of cats together. - 1410Oh Swartzwelder, so much funny. Danny DeVito returns as Homer's brother, whom Homer had ruined in a previous episode thanks to "The Homer", the development of a car that destroyed Herb's multi-million dollar auto company.
TV Announcer: Except for huge gaps in the western states, “Hands Across America” was a complete success.
Homer: Herb, this is the stupidest thing I've ever seen. I can't believe we blew 2,000 bucks on it when right now rollers could be kneading my buttocks.
Herb: Homer, could you stop thinking about your ass?!
Homer: I tried, but I can't. - 159.6Homer is accused of sexual assault when he pulls the Gummmi Venus De Milo off the babysitter's ass. But the true star of this episode is the TV show "Rock Bottom", which is a direct mockery of "Hard Copy" and the satire is spot on.
(In an edited version of his interview with Godfrey Jones, the splices can be told because the clock in the background keeps changing times.)
Homer: Somebody had to take the babysitter home, then I noticed she was sitting on / her / sweet can... / so I grabbed / her / sweet can... / Ohhhh, just thinking about / her / can... / I just wish I had / her / sweet, sweet / s/s/sweet can...
Godfrey: So, Mr. Simpson, you admit you grabbed her can. What do you have to say in your defense? (we see a still video shot of Homer looking lustful) Mr. Simpson, your silence will only incriminate you further! (the frozen image of Homer begins to slowly zoom in) No, Mr. Simpson, don't take your anger out on me! Get back! Get back! M-Mr. Simpson! NOOOO!
(freeze frames on the screaming Godfrey)
Announcer: Dramatization may not have happened.
Lisa: Sorry, Dad, we do believe in you, we really do.
Bart: It's just hard not to listen to TV: it's spent so much more time raising us than you have. - 169.5Marge wants to start her own business and (after an awesome trip to the Franchise Convention) decides on Pretzels. Which Homer helps her fund by borrowing money from the mafia.
Frank: Congratulations, and welcome to the dynamic world of mobile pretzel retailing.
Marge: When can I start? Where's my territory?
Frank: Your..territory...well, lemme tell ya. Wherever a young mother is ignorant of what to feed her baby, you'll be there. Wherever nacho penetration is less than total, you'll be there. Wherever a Bavarian is not quite full, you will be there.
Marge: Don't forget fat people. They can't stop eating!
(Homer walks by)
Homer: Hey, pretzels!
Marge: Homer! Did you tell the mafia they could eliminate my competitors with savage beatings and attempted murder?
Homer: (swallowing beer) In those words? Yes.
This is a black day for baseball...
Bart: Oh, cheer up, Mom. You can't buy publicity like that. Thousands and thousands of people saw your pretzels injuring Whitey Ford.
Homer: You can call them Whitey-whackers! - 179.6Homer buys a truck with a plow on it and starts up a business plowing driveways. He does well until Barney steals his idea and takes all his customers.
Homer: Well, I really should discuss this with my wife.
Salesman: Your wife? (cracks an imaginary whip)
Homer: What, you think I'm going to buy a $20,000 truck just because you
make that noise?
Salesman: (cracks his whip again)
Homer: Okay, I'll take it
Man: Hello, I'm calling from Delinquent Accounts at Kumatsu Motors.
Homer: Oh, you want the Mr. Plow who plows driveways. This is Tony Plow, you know, from Leave It To Beaver.... Yeah they were gay.
Homer: Now we play the waiting game..... Ahh, the waiting game sucks. Let's play Hungry Hungry Hippos! - 189.3Shelbyville steals the town's beloved lemon tree, and the boys go on a mission to get it back. This episode is beautifully paced and put together. It doesn't have the knock-you-down laughs of some of the others on this list, but it's really just well done.
Mrs. Krabappel: Children, please! If you don't learn Roman numerals you'll never know the years certain motion pictures were copy-righted.
Nelson: (enters classroom) Everybody come quick, something's happened, no time to explain.
Mrs. Krabappel: No, children, no, your education is important! Roman numerals, etc... Whatever. I tried. (lights a cigarette
Bart: Milhouse, you and me will be Omega Team. Todd, you and Data are Team Strike Force. Nelson, that leaves you and Martin.
Martin: Team Discovery Channel!
Nelson: Aww ... your wussiness better come in handy
Bart: (to group) If you get lost remember, you can always find east by staring directly at the sun
Bart: Oh, it's no use. I'm never gonna find that tree. This whole raid was as useless as that yellow lemon-shaped rock over there. Wait a minute ... there's a lemon behind that rock! - 199.3Once I started writing about this ep, I actually had to move it up the list. There is so much awesome stuff in here - Moe's re-imainging of his bar into a TGIF-type family restaurant, the prank Bart plays on the church organ lady making her play the entire "In the Garden of Eden", Milhouse's eyebrows.
Bart: Well if your soul is real where is it?
Milhouse: (touching his chest) It's kinda in here... and when you sneeze, that's your soul trying to escape. Saying "God bless you" crams it back in. And when you die, it squirms out and flies away!
Bart: What if you die in a submarine, at the bottom of the ocean?
Milhouse: Oh, it can swim. It's even got wheels, in case you die in the desert and it has to drive to the cemetery.
Dr. Hibbert: All right, where would you kids like to eat tonight?
Kid #1: The Spaghetti Laboratory!
Kid #2: Face Stuffers!
Kid #3: Professor P. J. Cornucopia's Fantastic Foodmagorium and Great American Steakery!
Dr. Hibbert: How about this place?..."Moe's"
Moe: No c'mon, I need a name that says "friendly all-American cooking."
Homer: How about Chairman Moe's Magic Wok?
Barney: I like it!
Moe: Nah, I want something that says people can have a nice relaxing time.
Homer: I got it! Madman Moe's Pressure Cooker!
Barney: I like it!
Moe: Hey, how about Uncle Moe's Family Feedbag?
Barney: I hate it.
Grandma Van Houten: You dial 91, and then when I say so, dial 1 again! - 209.0This is a brilliant example of the exact kind of cultural satire this show was capable of. Sadly, so much of this hilarious episode is actually reflected in our society... sans humor. This ep is also Matt Groenig's #3 personal favorite.
Homer: Not a bear in sight. The Bear Patrol must be working like a charm!
Lisa: That’s specious reasoning, dad.
Homer: Why thank you, honey.
Lisa: By your logic, I could claim that this rock keeps tigers away.
Homer: Hmm. How does it work?
Lisa: It doesn’t work; it’s just a stupid rock!
Homer: Uh-huh.
Lisa: But I don’t see any tigers around, do you?
Homer: Hmm... Lisa, I want to buy your rock.
Bodyguard: Sir, there's an angry mob here to see you.
Mayor Quimby: Does it have an appointment?
Bodyguard: Yes.
Principal Skinner: I phoned ahead! - 219.0Lance Murdoch: Bones heal, chicks dig scars, and the United States of America has the best doctor-to-daredevil ratio in the world.
This episode also contains probably one of the funniest all-time Simpsons scenes ever when Homer jumps the Gorge on Bart's skateboard and spends 2 minutes falling down the cliff to land at the bottom. We then see him driven away in an ambulance which hits a tree, Homer rolls out the back strapped to his stretcher and promptly falls back over the cliff.
The first time I saw that gag, I think I may have actually died. - 229.0The first ep where Sideshow Bob becomes a main character, and goes on to become a recurring criminal figure on the show. He frames Krusty so he can take over the show.
Sideshow Bob: My young friends, for years I have been silent, save for the crude glissandos of this primitive wind instrument. (Holds up slide whistle.) But now, destiny has thrust me into the center ring. In the coming weeks, you will notice some rather sweeping changes in our program. Please do not be alarmed. Itchy and Scratchy will still have a home here. But we will also learn about nutrition, self-esteem, etiquette, and all the lively arts.
(Reverend Lovejoy leads the public burning of Krusty the Clown merchandise.)
Reverend Lovejoy: Good people, I’m so happy you’re all here tonight. But please, just a few words of caution. Now, we are going to set this pile of evil ablaze, but because these are children’s toys, the fire will spread quickly, so please stand back and try not to inhale the toxic fumes - 239.0This one doesn't, perhaps, hold up as well as some. Mostly because it's pretty early and the animation is still a bit crude. But I included it because when I first saw it, it made me laugh for days. And even now, I still have enormous chunks of it in my brain. Everything to do with Homer dealing with the fact that he's going to die... from reading the brochure in the doctor's office ("So, You're Going To Die")
Dr. Hibbert: You have twenty-four hours to live.
Homer: Twenty-four hours!
Dr. Hibbert: Well, twenty-two. I'm sorry I kept you waiting so long
Dr. Hibbert: Now, a little death anxiety is normal. You can expect to go through five stages. The first is denial.
Homer: No way! Because I'm not dying!
Dr. Hibbert: The second is anger.
Homer: Why you little!
Dr. Hibbert: After that comes fear.
Homer: What's after fear? What's after fear?
Dr. Hibbert: Bargaining.
Homer: Doc, you gotta get me out of this! I'll make it worth your while!
Dr. Hibbert: Finally, acceptance.
Homer: Well, we all gotta go sometime.
Dr. Hibbert: Mr. Simpson, your progress astounds me. - 249.0A heat wave in springfield leads the Simpsons to getting a swimming pool. This ep is a direct spoof of Rear Window with Jimmy Stewart.
Ice Cream Man: (shouting as he drives by) Ice cream! Ice cream! We are all out of ice cream!
911 Recording: If you know the 3-digit number of the crime being committed, please enter it now.
(Bart enters code)
You've entered the code for regicide. If you know the name of the King or Queen being murdered..
Pool Salesman: Over here we have the Hick Tub, the Insta-Rust, there's the Lightning-magnet, this is the Tinkler…
Homer: Ooooh! The Tinkler! I like the sound of that. - 259.0Lisa has a knack for predicting the outcomes of football games and Homer uses this to gamble quite successfully.
Homer: You see, Lisa, your mother has this crazy idea that gambling is wrong. Even though they say it's okay in the Bible.
Lisa: Really? Where?
Homer: Uh, somewhere in the back.
TV - Coach: You want some of this don't you?
Homer: Yeah!
TV - Coach: Well, you need to know the winner, and I know the winner! So call me now…whoah. (speaking faster) Five dollars for the first minute, two dollars for each additional minute!
(Homer calls)
Phone Message: You.... have reached... the... coaches... hot...
Homer: Line...
Phone Message: Line...
Homer: Yeah, lay it on me, coach!
Phone Message: In the game of.... Mi..am..i..
Homer: Mmmhmm.
Phone Message: Versus Cin..
Homer: Cincinnati...
Phone Message: Cin...
Homer: Cincinnati...
Phone Message: nat..
Homer: Cincinnati...
Phone Message: ti...
Homer: Come on, come on, don't you realize this is costing me money!!
Phone Message: We must consider... many... things.... The wind...
Homer: D'oh, not the wind!
Phone Message: Is blowing out of the....west.
Homer: Oow...
Phone Message: At five...
Homer: Miles per hour!!!
Phone Message: miles...
Homer: D'oh, this is ridiculous! - 269.0Over the years Moe has really been turned into a rather boring caricature of his original self, but in the beginning, he was always good to go to for pure, unadulterated misanthropy. There are things about this ep that I don't love, but it's a classic for good reason. The cheers parody being one of them.
Moe: Business is slow. People today are healthier and drinking less. You know, if it wasn't for the junior high school next door, no one would even use the cigarette machine.
Marge: Well, Homer, maybe you can get some consolation in the fact that something you created is making so many people happy.
Homer: Oh, look at me! I'm making people happy! I'm the Magical Man from Happy-Land, in a gumdrop house on Lollipop Lane! (slams the door, then put his head back round) Oh, by the way, I was being sarcastic. - 279.0Lord of the Flies, with funny.
Mr. Black: Well kids, I promised you a little treat in lieu of dinner, and here it is. The man who took an abandoned mule tannery, and turned it into a summer wonderland - Mr. Krusty the Klown!
(But instead of the real Krusty, it's a dishevelled Barney Gumble, crudely disguised)
Mr. Black: Now I must tell you kids Krusty has laryngitis and a bad back so he won't be saying anything or doing anything.
Milhouse: Krusty looks fat!
Lisa: He's really having trouble keeping his balance!
Ralph: He's still funny, but not ha-ha funny!
Bart: (angry) That's not Krusty the Klown!!
(The other kids gasp)
Mr. Black: Well, what do you think? I slapped a clown suit on some wino? (laughs nervously)
Barney: Yeah Bart, I am so Crunchy the Clown! (belches)
Bart: All right, that's it! I've been scorched by Krusty before. I got a rapid heartbeat from his Krusty brand vitamins, my Krusty Kalculator didn't have a seven or an eight, and Krusty's autobiography was self-serving with many glaring omissions. But this time, he's gone too far! WE WANT KRUSTY! (the other kids join in the chant) WE WANT KRUSTY! WE WANT KRUSTY!
Lisa: You're serving us gruel?
Dolph: Not quite. This is "Krusty Brand Imitation Gruel." Nine out on ten orphans can't tell the difference
Bart: Oh dad! You're the best father a boy could ever have.
Homer: Thanks son. Now you've got little hands.. could you reach under the mower and pull out that skate? - 289.0Professor Lombardo as voiced by Jon Lovitz, is, to my mind, the best thing Jon Lovitz has ever done. I quote him constantly. This is also the Mt. Splashmore episode as well as the unveiling of Marge's painting of nude mr. Burns.
Splashmore Commercial Song: I wanna go to Mount Splashmore, take me take me take me take me now! Now now now now now! Mount Splashmore take me there right now!
Lisa: This is a rather shameless promotion.
Bart: Hey, it worked on me.
Lisa: Me too.
Burns: Thanks for not making fun of my genitalia.
Marge: [sotto voce] I thought I did. - 298.5Bart becomes an overnight sensation with a catch-phrase. This is Swartzwelder, and another classic. The box factory tour is one of my favorite bits. There are a ton of entertainment industry jokes in here.
Lisa: If I ever become famous, I want it to be for something worthwhile, not because of some obnoxious fad.
Bart: Obnoxious fad?
Homer: Aw, don't worry, son. You know, they said the same thing about Urkel--that little snot boy! I'd like to smash that kid
Box Factory Tour Guide: This is the most popular room in the tour.
Milhouse: It's just like the other rooms.
Box Factory Tour Guide: Yes, but with one important difference. (Looks to his side) Oh, they took that out. Yes, it is just like the other rooms.
Milhouse: (pointing out the window) What's that building over there?
Box Factory Tour Guide: That's just a TV studio where they film Krusty the Clown and other non-box-related programs. Since it has nothing to do with boxes, I'll just shut these blinds.
Lisa: I've got a weekend job helping the poor and I'm only eight.
Homer: That's not a job, it's a waste of time. What can poor people pay you? Nothing! What satisfaction you get from helping them? None! Who wants to help poor people anyway? Nobody!
Kent Brockman: I'm Kent Brockman, on the eleven o'clock news tonight...a certain kind of soft drink has been found to be lethal, we won't tell you which one until after sports and the weather with funny Sonny Storm. - 308.5Bart plays hooky from school and witnesses Freddie Quimby NOT beating up the clumsy 'clouseau-esqe' waiter.
Dr. Hibbert: Well, only one in two million people has what we call the "evil gene". Hitler had it, Walt Disney had it, and... Freddy Quimby has it.
Lionel Hutz: Thank you, Dr. Hibbert. I rest my case.
Judge Snyder: You rest your case?
Lionel Hutz: What? Oh no, I thought that was just a figure of speech. Case closed.
Marge: Your Uncle Arthur used to have a saying. "Shoot em' all and let God sort it out." Unfortunately, one day he put his theory into practice. It took 75 federal marshals to bring him down. Now, let's never speak of him again. - 318.3I think a few years ago, I would have put this one higher. For a while it was probably my emotional favorite because of a few star gags... but overally it can't compete with some of the eps higher on this list. It still comes in at 31, however, because it really is... pretty damn great.
Pepi: Tell me more! I want to know the constellations.
Homer: Well, there's… Jerry the Cowboy. And that big dipper looking thing is Alan… the Cowboy.
Corey: Hi, you've reached the Corey hot-line. $4.95 a minute. Here are some words that rhyme with Corey: gory, story, allegory, montessori...
Bart: Remember when Tom had you in that headlock and you screamed, "I'm a hemophiliac!," and when he let you go, you kicked him in the back?
Homer: Yeah.
Bart: Will you teach me how to do that?
Homer: Sure, boy. First, you gotta shriek like a woman and keep sobbing until he turns away in disgust. That's when it's time to kick some back. And then when he's lying down on the ground,...
Bart: Yeah.
Homer: Kick him in the ribs.
Bart: Yeah.
Homer: Step on his neck.
Bart: Yeah.
Homer: And run like h**l. - 328.3How much do I love the Grammy joke? Thank god there was a clip of it available.
Bart: What'd you do? Screw up like the Beatles and say you were bigger than Jesus?
Homer: All the time. It was the title of our second album!
Barney: David Crosby? You're my hero!
Crosby: Oh, you like my music?
Barney: You're a musician?
Bart: Thanks to television, I can't remember what happened eight minutes ago.
(Homer, Marge, and Lisa laugh)
Bart: No, Really I can't. It's a serious problem.
(Homer, Marge, and Lisa laugh,
Bart starts to laugh)
Bart: What are we all laughing about - 338.0A season one ep, but practially perfect despite some of the awkwardness of the character animation. The writing is spot on, and still holds up despite being 20 years old.
Grampa: Dear Advertisers, I am disgusted with the way old people are depicted on television. We are not all vibrant, fun-loving sex maniacs. Many of us are bitter, resentful individuals who remember the good old days when entertainment was bland and inoffensive. The following is a list of words I never want to hear on televison again. Number one: bra. Number two: horny. Number three: family jewels.
Herman: Armistice treaty, article four. "Nelson is never again to raise his fists in anger." Article five. "Nelson recognizes Bart's right to exist." Article six. "Although Nelson shall have no official power, he shall remain a figurehead of menace in the neighborhood." - 349.8As I see this ep has come in at 34, it feels wrong. This one should be in the top 10, and yet... I can't evict any of the ones above it. So much classic stuff here, not to mention the brilliance of Alf Clausen's music for the play. Which alone, should make it in the top 10.
Sinclair: Hello! I am Llewellyn Sinclair. I've directed three plays in my career and I've had three heart attacks. That's how much I care, I'm planning for a fourth.
Bart: Are there any Jive-Talking Robots in this play?
Marge: Um, I don't think so.
Homer: Bart, don't ask stupid questions... Is there any frontal nudity?
Marge: No, Homer!
Sinclair: Tonight you'll be transformed from dead-eyed suburbanites to white hot grease fires of pure entertainment. (To Otto) Except you, you're not working out. I'll be playing your part.
Otto: Drag. - 358.5Mary Poppins.
Shary: Hello, I'm Shary Bobbins.
Homer: Did you say Mary Pop---
Shary: No, I definitely did not. I'm an original creation, like Rickey Rouse, or Monald Muck.
Homer: Shary Bobbins, I need another beer!
Shary: Well you know, Homer (singing) If there's a task that must be done, you'll find it's much more fun --
Homer: You'll find it's even MORE fun if YOU get the beer for ME!
Shary (singing): But the beer will taste more sweet, if you get up off your seat!
Bart: Lady, the man asked for a beer, not a song.
Bart: Ma, could you get me some milk?
Marge: Can't you get it yourself?
Bart: No, that's okay. I'll just go without liquid.
(makes noises like he desperately needs something to drink)
Marge: Oh, all right, all right! I'll get your milk. (goes into the kitchen)
Bart: Thank you.
Marge: (from the kitchen) Does anyone else want anything while I'm up?
All: No.
(Marge returns with Bart's glass of milk)
Homer: Marge, get me a beer. - 368.3Lisa thinks she is doomed to be dumb.
Guy: I'm sorry little girl, we just don't put people on TV, unless of course you're replying to an editorial.
Lisa: Uh...I am! I'm strongly opposed to...proposition, ah, 3...0...5!
Guy: You're against discount bus fares for war widows?
Lisa: Uh, you bet I am!
Homer: Marge, give me your address book, four beers, and my conversation hat.
Television: Man has always loved his buildings, but what happens when the buildings say, "No more."
(Images of buildings collapsing appear on the screen, Bart and Homer cheer)
Homer: I didn't think it was gonna fall over.
Bart: The best part was when the buildings fell down! - 378.8This one is just brilliant. Swear jar. Building the dog house. And of course, Bart pretending to be Ms. Krabappel's secret admirer.
(From the education filmstrip the kids watch in class)
Jimmy: Hey, what gives?
Jimmy's Dad: You said you wanted to live in a world without zinc Jimmy. Well now your car has no battery.
Jimmy: But I promised Betty I'd pick her up by 6:00. I better give her a call.
Jimmy's Dad: Sorry Jimmy. Without zinc for the rotary mechanism, there are no telephones.
Jimmy: Dear God! What have I done?
(Jimmy pulls out a gun and points it to his head and fires)
Jimmy's Dad: Think again Jimmy. You see the firing pin in your gun was made out of…yep…zinc.
Jimmy: Come back zinc, Come Back!!
Ned: I just wish you wouldn't curse in front of my boys!
Homer: Oh, come on, now, Flanders! I don't complain about your…moustache!
Ned: What's wrong with my moustache?
Homer: It makes you look like you've got something to hide.
Ned: What?
Homer: People are talking. Lots of people.
Ned: Okay, mister. You've got yourself a deal. I'll shave off the soup strainer if you give the sailor talk the ol' heave-ho. Okay?
Homer: Aye aye! Admiral Butthead.
Bart: Hey, Mom. Did you save Dad's love letters?
Marge: Of course I saved them. Well actually, there's only one. It's more of a love postcard from some brewery he visited.
Homer drunk V.O.: Maybe it's the beer talking, Marge. But you've got a butt that won't quit. They've got these big chewy pretzels here (undecipherable slurring) five dollars?! Get outta here!
Bart: Wow, the side of Dad I've never seen. - 388.6Remember George Bush Senior? Remember? Those were the good old days, eh? Oh, how I wish I could have found a clip of the scene with Bush in the rainbow clown wig.
George Bush: Well let's see now. What do you folks have here, huh? Hmmm…a "Krusty Burger"... that doesn't sound to appetizing, what kinda stew do you have today?
Squeaky Voiced Teen: Uuuh... we don't have stew.
(Homer honks his horn continuously.)
Ray: Sir, why don't you just have the cheeseburger?
George Bush: That's really more of a weekend thing, Ray.
Homer: (still honking) Hey, jerk, move your fanny!
George Bush: That guy's louder than World War II. Ray, go and see what the rhubarb is, will ya?
Ray: (to Homer) Sir, could you pop your hood?
(Loosens some wires making his horn stop working.)
Homer: (yelling after Ray) Hey! My taxes paid for that horn!
Marge: Are you interested in that motorized tie rack Principal Skinner?
Principal Skinner: Hmm...it's awfully loud.
Marge: Well...you could always take the motor out, and use it as an ordinary tie rack!
Principal Skinner: Hm, but now the ties are motionless. And those at the back are virtually inaccessible. Well, it's a new point that I only have one tie to begin with. I believe I'll pass
(Principal Skinner leaves and then returns a few seconds later.)
Principal Skinner: Have you sold that tie rack yet?
Marge: No.
Principal Skinner: I'll take it.
("Two bad neighbors" banner hangs from Bush's house, with a poorly spray painted figures of Homer and Bart on it)
Dr. Hibbert: I don't understand. Are you saying you and Barbara are bad neighbors?
George Bush: No! That's not Bar and me, it's them!
Ned: Who, Maude and me?
George Bush: No, the man and his boy. You know, the- the boy is named Bart. I don't know the name of the man. Bar! What's the name of the man?
Barbara Bush: I'm not getting involved, George.
George Bush: Look, just never mind. I thought the banner was pretty straight forward, but I'll just take it down. - 398.8This was a rare one from later seasons after the show started to sort of lose writers and quality. But some of the commentary, the gags, really shone. Poking fun at the idea of a show going stale and the terrible, unimaginative ways to "fix" it... we've all seen it happen a million times.
Krusty: Once in a great while, we are privileged to experience a television event so extraordinary, it becomes part of our shared heritage. (Pictures on a man on the moon appear in the background) 1969: Man walks on the moon. (picture of astronaut playing golf on the moon) 1971: Man walks on the moon… again. Then, for a long time, nothing happened. Until tonight.
Homer: Will this episode be going to air live?
June: No Homer, very few cartoons go to air live. It's a tremendous strain on the animators.
Comic Book Guy: Last night's Itchy & Scratchy was, without a doubt, the worst episode ever. Rest assured, I was on the Internet within minutes, registering my disgust throughout the world.
Bart: Hey, I know it wasn't great, but what right do you have to complain?
Comic Book Guy: As a loyal viewer, I feel they owe me.
Bart: What? They've given you thousands of hours of entertainment for free! What could they possibly owe you? If anything, you owe them!
Comic Book Guy: Worst episode ever
Homer: I'm the worst Poochie, ever.
Lisa: No, it's not your fault, Dad. You did fine. It's just that Poochie was a soulless by-product of committee thinking. You can't be cool just by sprouting a bunch of worn-out buzzwords.
Krusty: (Brainstorming about Poochie) So he's proactive, huh?
Network Executive: Oh God, yes. We're talking about a totally outrageous paradigm.
Writer: Excuse me, but, "proactive" and "paradigm?" Aren't those just buzzwords that dumb people use to sound important? Not that I'm accusing you of anything like that.
(Silent pause in the room.)
Writer: I'm fired, aren't I?
Roger Meyers Jr.: Oh, yes. - 408.0The Stonecutters. The Stonecutters Song. Patrick Stewart. Swartzwelder. Awesome.
Bart: What do they do there?
Homer: What don't they do? They do so many things, they never stop. Oh, the things they do there, my stars!
Lisa: You don't know what they do, do you, Dad?
Homer: Not as such, no.
Homer: I could help others…I'll get a bunch of monkeys, dress them up, and make them re-enact the Civil War.
Lisa: Dad, that doesn't help people.
Homer: Couldn't hurt. Unless the monkeys started hurting people, which they almost certainly would. - 418.0Conan O'Brien's first episode. This also had the awesome b-story of Homer and the all you can eat fish restaurant.
Lawyer: Your honor, I'd like to show the court just how much shrimp Mr. Simpson ate. Bring it in boys!
Aide: Eighteen thousand letters, all addressed to Santa Claus.
Lawyer: You want the People of Springfield versus Kris Kringle. That's next door.
Hutz: Mrs. Simpson, in your own words, please tell us what happened after you and your husband were ejected from the restaurant.
Marge: We pretty much went straight home.
Hutz: Remember, Mrs. Simpson, you're still under oath.
Marge: We drove around until 3:00 in the morning looking for another open all-you-can-eat seafood restaurant.
Hutz: And when you couldn't find any?
Marge: (crying) We went fishing!
Hutz: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, do these sound like the actions of a man who's had ALL he could eat?
Fat Juror: That could have been me! - 427.8Homer gets a crush on co-worker Mindy.
Homer: (about Mindy) Temptress! I also bet she thinks that Ziggy has gotten preachy over the years.
Female Department of Labor Officer: This power plant violates every labor law in the book. We found a missing soccer team from Brazil working in the reactor core!
Mr. Burns: That plane crashed on my property!
Smithers: Someone is charging room service to the company, sir.
Mr. Burns: Well, we'll just see about that!
(Mr. Burns walks over to a cage full of winged monkeys and opens it.)
Mr. Burns: Fly, my pretties, fly!
(The monkeys jump out the window, and fall to the ground.)
Mr. Burns: (Sighs) Continue the research. - 437.6This episode is the origin of two awesome, made-up words: Cromulent and embiggen. Both have embiggened my vocabulary.
Jebediah Springfield: A noble spirit "embiggens" the smallest man.
Edna: Embiggens? I never heard that word before I moved to Springfield
Ms. Hoover: I don't know why. It's a perfectly "cromulent" word.
Homer: I've been called a greasy thug, too. It never stops hurting. So here's what we're gonna do: We're gonna grease ourselves up real good and trash that place with a baseball bat.
Mayor Quimby: Can't we have one meeting that doesn't end with us digging up a corpse? - 447.8Marge befriends a divorcee neighbor in this Thelma & Louise parody.
Homer: Where are you going?
Marge: I don't know.
Homer: When will you be home?
Marge: I'm not sure.
Homer: Where are you going?
Marge: You already asked me that!
Homer: Will you bring me back something?
Bart: You're absolutely right, Dad. We don't need a baby-sitter.
Homer: Wait a minute (Takes out card reading: "Always do opposite of what Bart Says.") You kids do need a baby-sitter!
Bart: (to himself) Blast that infernal card! (to Homer) Hey, Dad. Don't give me that card.
Homer: Here ya go--(Pulls card away)--No!
Marge: We can't trick these guys. They are highly trained professionals!
(Ruth turns off the car lights.)
Chief Wiggum: Oh my god, it just disappeared! (Gasp) It's a ghost car! (Slams on brakes) There are ghost cars all over these highways you know.
Homer: Hold me!
Chief Wiggum: Only if you hold me! - 458.1Another ep from a later set of seasons that had shining brilliance all over it. And possibly my most favorite Simpsons quote ever:
Kent Brockman: The spacecraft has apparently been taken over – "conquered" if you will – by a master race of giant space ants. It's difficult to tell from this vantage point whether they will consume the captive earth men or merely enslave them. One thing is for certain. There is no stopping them; the ants will soon be here. And I for one welcome our new insect overlords. I'd like to remind them that as a trusted TV personality, I could be helpful in rounding up others to toil in their underground sugar caves.
Homer: You're right, Marge. Just like the time I could have met Mr. T at the mall. The entire day I kept saying, 'I'll go a little later. I'll go a little later.' And then when I got there, they told me he'd just left. And when I asked the mall guy if he would ever come back again, he said he didn't know. Well, I'm never going to let something like that happen again! I'm going into space right now!
Homer: The only danger is if they send us to that terrible Planet of the Apes. Wait a minute... Statue of Liberty... that was our planet! You maniacs! You blew it up! Damn you! Damn you all to H**l!
Mr. Burns: Compadres, it is imperative that we crush the freedom fighters before the start of the rainy season. And remember, a shiny new donkey for whoever brings me the head of Colonel Montoya. (Smithers whispers to him) And by that, I mean, it's time for the worker of the week award. - 467.8Springfield bans alcohol.
Mayor Quimby: You're just a bunch of low-income nobodies! Who are you to demand anything?
Aide: (Quietly) Election in November. Election in November.
Mayor Quimby: What? Again? This stupid country.
Mayor Quimby: You can't seriously want to ban alcohol. It tastes great, makes women appear more attractive, and makes a person virtually invulnerable to criticism.
Helen Lovejoy: Oh, won't someone please think of the children?
Maude Flanders: What kind of example are we setting?
Mayor Quimby: Ladies, please. All our founding fathers, astronauts, and World Series heroes have been either drunk or on cocaine.
Homer: You're not the world's worst mother. Remember that freezer lady in Georgia?
Homer: To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems. - 478.0Homer quits drinking.
Judge: Your license is hereby revoked and you are to attend traffic school and two months of AA meetings.
Homer: Your honor, I'd like that last remark stricken from the record.
Judge: No.
Lionel Hutz: Don't worry, Homer. I have a fool proof strategy to get you out of here: surprise witnesses, each more surprising than the last. I tell you, the judge won't know what hit him!
Troy: Hi! I'm Troy McClure. You might remember me from such Driver's Ed films as "Alice's Adventures through the Windshield Glass" and "The Decapitation of Larry Leadfoot." - 487.8While there are some good gags with Lisa's jealousy of a new girl in school who is smarter than she is... the real beauty of this episode is in the b-story with Homer finding an overturned sugar truck.
Homer: And you didn't think I'd make any money. I found a dollar while I was waiting for the bus.
Marge: While you were out 'earning' that dollar, you lost forty dollars by not going into work. The plant called and said if you don't come in tomorrow, don't bother coming in Monday.
Homer: Woohoo! A four day weekend!
Homer: I've learned my lesson. A mountain of sugar is too much for one man. It's clear now why God portions it out in those tiny little packets, and why he lives on a plantation in Hawaii.
Homer: I can't live the buttoned down life like you. I want it all: the terrifying lows, the dizzying highs, the creamy middles! Sure, I might offend a few of the blue-noses with my cocky stride and musky odor - oh, I'll never be the darling of the so-called 'City Fathers' who cluck their tongues, stroke their beards, and talk about what's to be done with this Homer Simpson?
Bart: Dad, isn't this stealing?
Homer: Read the town charter, boy: 'If foodstuff should touch the ground, said foodstuff shall be turned over to the village idiot.' Since I don't see him around, start shoveling! - 497.0Another early episode. The classic where Burns sells the plant to the Germans.
Horst: Homer, could we have a word with you?
Homer: No.
Horst: I must have phrased that badly. My English is how you say...inelegant. I meant to say may we have a brief, friendly chat?
Homer: No!
Horst: Once again I have failed. (Reading from a German-English phrasebook) We request the pleasure of your company for a free exchange of ideas.
Homer: (Yelling) No!
Horst: We regret to announce the following lay-offs, which I will read in alphabetical order. Simpson, Homer. (Pause) That is all.
Horst: (Sinister) Okay, Mr. Burns, you win. But beware. We Germans aren't all smiles and sunshine.
Mr. Burns: (Sarcastic) Oooh, the Germans are mad at me. I'm so scared! Oooh, the Germans! (Hiding behind Smithers) Uh oh, the Germans are going to get me!
Horst: Stop it!
Man: Stop, sir.
Mr. Burns: Don't let the Germans come after me. Oh no, the Germans are coming after me.
Man: Please stop the "pretending you are scared" game, please.
Horst: Stop it! Stop it!
Mr. Burns: (Pause) No! They're so big and strong!
Man: Stop it.
Horst: Stop it, Mr. Burns.
Man: Please stop pretending you are scared of us, please, now.
Mr. Burns: Oh, protect me from the Germans! The Germans--
Horst: Burns, Stop it! - 508.3A parody of the Treasure of Sierra Madre when Bart, Milhouse and Martin all pool their money to buy a special Radioactive Man comic book.
Marge: So maybe a part-time job is the answer.
Bart: Aw, Mom, I couldn't ask you to do that. You're already taking care of Maggie, and Lisa is such a handful--
Lisa: She means you should get a job, stupid.
Martin: How about this, guys? Bart can have it Mondays and Thursdays, Milhouse will get it Tuesdays and Fridays, and yours truly will take it Wednesdays and Saturdays.
Bart: Perfect!
Milhouse: Wait a minute! What about Sundays?
Bart: (suspiciously) Yeah, what about Sundays?
Martin: Well, Sunday possession will be determined by a random number generator. I will take the digits 1 through 3, Milhouse will have 4 through 6, and Bart will have 7 through 9.
Bart: Perfect!
Milhouse: Wait a minute! What about 0?
Bart: (suspiciously) Yeah, what about 0?
Milhouse: Yeah!
Martin: Well, in the unlikely event of a 0, possession will be determined by rock scissors paper competition, best 3 out of 5, how's that? - 518.3Bart gets himself a fake id and rents a car with it. He, Nelson, Milhouse and Martin go on a roadtrip to Knoxville, TN.
(at the DMV)
Patty: Some days we don’t let the line move at all. We call those, "weekdays."
Bart: Gentlemen, for our road trip I have taken the liberty of preparing an airtight and utterly plausible alibi for use on our parents.
(Milhouse at home)
Milhouse: I have been selected to represent the school at the national grammar rodeo at the Sheraton Hotel in Canada.
(Martin at home)
Martin: I've been selected to represent the school at the national grammar rodeo at the Sheraton Hotel in Canada.
(Nelson at home)
Nelson: (leaving his house) I'm goin' away for a week. See ya!
(Milhouse plays with the radio and Nelson smacks him)
Milhouse: Bart! Nelson hit me!
Bart: He sure did.
Martin: Bart, can we stop for ice cream?
Bart: Yes.
(a little later and everyone has ice cream cones)
Milhouse: Bart, can we weigh the car at that weigh station?
Bart: Yeah.
(a little later)
Milhouse: Bart, can we pick up that hitchhiker?
Bart: I don't see why not.
(a little later and the Hitchhiker is in the car)
Hitchhiker: Bart, can we stop for ice cream?
Bart: Yes.
(a little later and everyone has ice cream cones again)
Hitchhiker: Well, I don't think I was rehabilitated, but I guess they needed the extra bed. - 528.8Bart wins an elephant on a morning radio show. The radio guys, Bill and Marty, are some of my favorite obscure characters on the simpsons.
Homer: I only have two questions... how much and give it to me.
Lisa: Mr. Blackheart, are you an ivory dealer?
Mr. Blackheart: Well, I've had lots of jobs in my day: whale hunter, seal clubber, president of the fox network. And, like most people, yeah I've dealt a little ivory.
Lisa: Dad, I think he's an ivory dealer! His boots are ivory, his hat is ivory, and I'm pretty sure that check is ivory.
Homer: Lisa, a guy who's got lots of ivory is less likely to hurt Stampy than a guy whose ivory supplies are low.
Marge: I really think this is a bad idea.
Homer: Marge, I agree with you, in theory. In theory, communism works. In theory.
Homer: (Sinking in a tar pit) Nah, that's ok. I'm pretty sure I can struggle my way out. First I'll just reach in and pull my legs out, then I'll pull my arms out with my teeth. - 537.9Bart gets hit by Mr. Burns car. Awesome satire of our suing society.
(Smithers checks on Bart after Mr. Burns hits him.)
Smithers: Uh-oh. I, uh—I think the boy's hurt.
Mr. Burns: Oh, for crying out loud! Just give him a nickel and let's get going.
Bart: Um, say, is there anything I can do to avoid coming back here?
The Devil: Oh, sure, yeah. But, eh, you wouldn't like it.
Bart: Oh, okay! See you later, then.
Lionel Hutz: Lionel Hutz, attorney-at-law. What's that, a broken neck? Great!
Lionel Hutz: Hutz is the name, Mr. Simpson. Lionel Hutz, attorney at law. Here's my card. It turns into a sponge when you put it in water.
Homer: Ooh, classy.
Lawyer: Your Honor, my client has instructed me to remind the court how rich and important he is, and that he is not like other men.
Mr. Burns: I should be able to run over as many kids as I want! - 547.5The episode marks Phil Hartman's last appearance. Which... still sad about it.
Bart feels bad for an abandoned nest after he accidentally kills the mother bird.
Troy McClure: Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such nature films as 'Earwigs, Eww' and 'Man vs. Nature - The Road to Victory'.
(Principal Skinner explains the dangers of the Bolivian tree lizard.)
Principal Skinner: It's already wiped out the dodo, the cuckoo and the nene. And it has nasty plans for the booby, the titmouse, the woodcock and the titpecker.
(While waiting for the eggs to hatch)
Homer: What's taking so long? Bart was born in like 5 minutes.
Marge: Actually it took 53 hours.
Homer: Really, wow the time just flew by didn't it? - 557.8Mr. Burns runs for office after his plant is found to be dangerous to the health of Springfield. This ep gives us one of my all-time favorite Mr. Burns quotes:
Mr. Burns: Ironic, isn't it, Smithers? This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the election. And yet, if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to jail. That's democracy for you.
Homer: (about Blinky) Oh, Marge, what's the big deal? I bet before the papers blew this out of proportion, you didn't even know how many eyes a fish had.
(In Mr. Burns’ office, the Government Inspector gives Mr. Burns his report.)
Government Inspector: Mr. Burns, in 20 years, I have never seen such a shoddy, deplorable--
Mr. Burns: Oh look! Some careless person has left thousands and thousands of dollars just lying here on my coffee table. Uh, Smithers, why don't we leave the room, and hopefully, when we return, the pile of money will be gone.
(Mr. Burns and Smithers exit for a moment and then return to the office.)
Mr. Burns: Doh! Look, Smithers, the money and a very stupid man are still here.
Homer: Bart, would you like to say grace?
Bart: Dear God, we paid for all this stuff ourselves, so thanks for nothing. - 567.8Homer needs to have a college degree to keep his job at the plant. Steeped in what movies have taught him about College, he is determined to see every stereotype through to the bitter end.
Bart: College?! Barber or clown?
Homer: Marge, try to understand. There are two kinds of college students: jocks and nerds. As a jock, it is my duty to give nerds a hard time.
Homer: I've been working on a plan. During the exam, I'll hide under some coats, and hope that somehow everything will work out.
Homer: Woohoo! I'm a college man! I won't need my high school diploma any more! (sets diploma on fire) I am so smart, I am so smart, S-M-R-T... I mean S-M-A-R-T. - 578.4Bart discovers a comet that's headed right for Springfield. The town panics.
Principal Skinner: Ah, there's nothing more exciting than science. You get all the fun of … sitting still, being quiet, writing down numbers, paying attention … Science has it all.
Homer: So there's a comet. Big deal. It'll burn up in our atmosphere and whatever's left will be no bigger than a chihuahua's head.
Bart: Wow, dad. Maybe you're right.
Homer: Of course I'm right. If I'm not, may we all be horribly crushed from above somehow.
Kent Brockman: Over the years, a newsman learns a number of things that for one reason or another, he just cannot report. It doesn't seem to matter now, so… the following people are gay. (a list of names scrolls past very quickly)
Moe: Let's go burn down the observatory, so this'll never happen again! - 588.0After an awesome series of dogs-eye view destruction, Santa's Little Helper needs to get trained or he's gone.
Marge: I thought we agreed to consult each other before any major purchases.
Homer: Well, you bought all those smoke alarms, and we haven't had
a single fire.
(Marge, Lisa and Homer discover what Santa's Little Helper has done.)
Marge and Lisa: (Scream in unison)
Marge: My quilt! Six generations, ruined! (Sobs)
Homer: (Consoles Marge) Now, Marge, honey. Honey, honey. Come on. Come on. Don't get upset. It's not the end of the world. We all loved that quilt, but you can't get too attached to--
(Homer sees the remains of his cookie.)
Homer: (Screams) My cookie! (Sobs hysterically) Oh, this is not happening. This is not happening!
(Homer fields a phone call from someone interested in buying Santa's Little Helper.)
Homer: Oh no, we'd never give him away. But we're moving to another country where dogs are forbidden. (Pause) Hear what? (Pause) Oh, sure. Come here, boy! Put that prowler down! Come here! Come on, boy! (Homer pants into the phone like a dog.)
Homer: Say it, boy. Say "I love you" for the nice man. (In a dog's voice) I wuv you!
(Pulls the phone away from his mouth.)
Homer: Good dog! Good doggie!
(Puts phone back near his mouth.)
Homer: Isn't that amazing? See you soon! (Hangs up phone.) Whoo-hoo! - 598.7Bart comes across a bum who claims to be the creater of Itchy & Scratchy.
Bart: Dad, can we have $183,000?
Homer: (gets out his wallet) What for?
Bart: Lisa and I want to finance a series of animated cartoons.
Homer: Oh. Forget it!
Lionel Hutz: My client's film predates all of those things, Your Honor.
Blue Haired Lawyer: Oh yes! I've forgotten! Your famous film, the one you destroyed before the trial and haven't been able to find another copy of! Oh yes, that film!
Lionel Hutz: Yes. You don't have a copy, do you?
Chester: He didn't create Itchy; I did.
Bart: Huh?
Chester: He stole the character from me in 1928. When I complained, his thugs kicked me out of his office, and dropped an anvil on me. Luckily, I was carrying an umbrella at the time.
Bart: (seeing drawing of Itchy) Cool! I'll give you ten bucks for that.
Comic Book Guy: Are you the creator of Hi and Lois? Because you are making me laugh. That drawing's worth exactly 750 dollars American.
Bart: It's valuable, huh?
Comic Book Guy: (sarcastically) Ooh, your powers of deduction are exceptional. I simply can't allow you to waste them here when there are so many crimes going unsolved at this very moment. Go! Go! For the good of the city!
Bart: (walks away) Loser.
Marge: Bart, Lisa, it's 11:00 at night. Where do you think you're going?
Bart: Downtown.
Lisa: We gotta get seats for the Itchy & Scratchy parade.
Marge: I won't have my children sitting alone on a cold, dangerous street all night. Homer, you go too.
Homer: Ohh… Why can't they just take the gun? - 607.7This episode does what the Simpsons have come to corner the market in, making fun of themselves. How does Homer own such a big house? Why is Marge still married to him? How has he survived years of being so stupid? Frank Grimes can't believe any of it. Also, Bart buys an abandoned factory.
Frank Grimes: (at the Simpson home) Look at this place! I live in a single room above a bowling alley and below another bowling alley!
Grimes: I have had to work hard everyday of my life and what do I have to show for it? This briefcase and this haircut! And what do you have to show for you lifetime of sloth and ignorance?
Homer: What?
Grimes: Everything! A dream house, two cars, a beautiful wife, a son who owns a factory, fancy clothes, and (sniffs) lobsters for dinner!
Frank Grimes: If this were any other country, you'd have starved to death long ago.
Bart: He's got you there, Dad.
Frank Grimes: You're a fraud, a total fraud. (To Marge and the kids) It was nice meeting you.
Lisa: Can I go downstairs and see what Dad's doing?
Marge: I wouldn't bother him, honey. He's making some sort of model for a contest. He says it's really high-tech stuff that we wouldn't understand.
Homer: (opens basement door) Marge, do we have any elbow macaroni and glue-on sparkles? - 618.3Mr. Burns holds auditions to find an heir. Bart, of course, is chosen.
Mr. Burns: I suggest you leave immediately.
Homer: Or what? You'll release the dogs, or the bees, or the dogs with bees in their mouths and when they bark they shoot bees at you?
Homer: Kids, you tried your best, and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
Bart: I just don't want to be here, Dad. Besides, I started a fire this morning that I really should keep an eye on. - 628.2Homer's stint at professional boxing.
Marge: Homer, you don't know how to box, you're 38 years old, and you haven't gotten any exercise since grade school. Of all the crazy ideas you've had, this one ranks somewhere in the middle. Before you even consider this, I insist you consult a doctor.
Homer: No problemo.
(Marge pecks Homer on the cheek and walks off.)
Marge: (yelling) A competant doctor!
Homer: (off-screen) D'oh!
Homer: You used to be a boxer just like me?
Moe: Yup. They called me Kid Gorgeous. Later on, it was Kid Presentable. Then Kid Gruesome. And finally, Kid Moe.
Comic Book Guy: Yes, finally! I would like to return your quote-unquote Ultimate Belt.
Salesman: I see. Do you have a receipt, quote-unquote, sir?
Comic Book Guy: No, I do not have a receipt. I won it as a door prize at the Star Trek Convention, although I find their choice of prize highly illogical, as the average Trekker has no use for a medium sized belt.
Salesman: Whoa, whoa! A fat, sarcastic, Star Trek fan. You must be a devil with the ladies.
Comic Book Guy: Hey, I...uh, de--oh...
Salesman: Gee, I hate to let you down, Casanova, but, uh, no receipt, no return.
Bart: I'll give you four bucks for it.
Comic Book Guy: (Sighs) Very well. I must hurry back to my comic book store, where I dispense the insults rather than absorb them
Interviewer #1: Champ, do you feel remorse for your crime?
Tatum: Oh, yes. Believe me, my god, if I could turn back the clock on my mother's stair-pushing, I would certainly, reconsider it.
Interviewer #2: Drederick, ah, what do you think of Homer Simpson?
Tatum: I think he's a good man. I like him. I got nothing against him, but I'm definitely gonna make orphans of his children.
Interviewer #3: Uh, you know, they do have a mother, Champ?
Tatum: Yes, but I would imagine that she would die of grief. - 637.6The story of Lisa briefly dating Nelson is decent, but the Auto-dialing Happy Dude is one of my favorite gags of the series.
Homer: Greetings, friends. Do you wish to look as happy as me? Well, you've got the power inside you right now. So, use it, and send one dollar to Happy Dude, 742 Evergreen Terrace, Springfield. Don't delay, eternal happiness is just a dollar away.
Principal Skinner: I've always admired car owners and I hope to be one myself as soon as I finish paying off mother. She insists I pay her retroactively for the food I ate as a child.
Ned: (On phone) Howdily-doodely.
Homer: (Recording) Greetings, friends. Do you wish to look--
(Ned hangs up)
Ned: Oh, it's that darn recording again.
Maude: Of course it was. It's been calling all night. Just unplug the phone.
(Ned turns out the light and the phone rings again.)
Ned: Howdily-di--
Homer: (Recording) Greetings, friends--
(Ned hangs up)
Ned: Dang!
Maude: I told you to unplug the phone.
Ned: But it could be my mother!
(Phone rings again)
Ned: Howdy--
Homer: (Recording) Greetings, friends--
(Ned hangs up)
Ned: Shoot!
Maude: That is it, Ned! If you don't unplug that phone right now, you're sleeping on the lawn.
Homer: (Shouting through his window) Will you two shut up?! People are trying to sleep!
Mr. Burns: One dollar for eternal happiness.... Mmmm ... I'd be happier with the dollar. - 647.0Homer has to go to NYC to fetch his car where it was left by a drunken Barney. World Trade Center cameo.
Marge: I don't think it's a good idea to be driving around in a car you built yourself.
Homer: (Building a car out of a mattress) Okay, Marge, either you can stand there and complain, or you can get started knitting me those seatbelts.
Pleasant Female Voice: Thank you for calling the Parking Violations Bureau. To plead 'Not Guilty' press one now.
(Homer presses one)
Pleasant Female Voice: Thank You. Your call has been…
Gruff Male Voice: Rejected.
Pleasant Female Voice: You will be assessed the full fine, plus a small…
Gruff Male Voice: Large lateness penalty.
Pleasant Female Voice: Please wait by your vehicle between the hours of nine A.M. and five P.M. for Parking Officer Steve…
Gruff Male Voice: Grabowski.
Marge: Of course you'll have a bad impression of New York if you only focus on the pimps and the C.H.U.D.'s.
Vendor: Khlav kalash! Khlav kalash!
Homer: Can you go across the street and get me some pizza?
Vendor: No pizza, only khlav kalash.
Homer: Uhh, all right. I'll take a small bowl.
Vendor: No bowl. Stick. Stick!
Homer: Blech! That's just...awful!(After finishing his khlav kalash) Now what do you have to rinse that awful taste out of my mouth?
Vendor: Mountain Dew or Crab Juice.
Homer: Yech! Geez! I'll take a Crab Juice! (Drains his crab juice in one gulp) More, more, more! Uh oh! You got a men's room in there? - 658.2Homer enters Lisa in a beauty pageant to help her feel better about herself. Some really awesome gags in this one.
Kent Brockman: Lisa Simpson is no longer Little Miss Springfield. She was stripped of her crown in a ceremony earlier today (footage of a goat being bottle fed plays) Well, that's obviously the wrong footage. Uh, but it does seem the father of the deposed beauty queen Homer Simpson filled out the pageant application incorrectly. In the area under 'do not write under this space' he wrote 'okay'.
Principal Skinner: But first, our second prize winner and the recipient of this handsome shoe buffer... Ned Flanders.
Ned: (gasps)
Homer: Oh it's no fair, we'll never have a buffer!
Marge: We have one at home, you never use it.
Homer: Well, I want that one!
(Watching Amber on TV. Menacing thunderclouds roll in, and it begins to rain.)
Marge: Oh dear, it'll be a shame if that pretty dress got wet.
Lisa: I'd say the greater danger is her sceptre acting as a lighting rod. Unless it's made out of plastic.
Bart: [intense flash of light from TV] Nope, metal. - 668.9The first appearance of Homer's brother Herb, played by Danny DeVito. Herb is the wealthy owner of Powell Motors. He asks Homer to help him design a car for the common man.
Homer: Quiet, you kids! If I hear one more word, Bart doesn't get to watch cartoons and Lisa doesn't get to go to college.
Bart and Lisa: (In unison) Dad!
Homer: Not one word!
(Bart and Lisa trade insults via sign language and giggle at each other.)
Homer: I thought I said knock it off.
Lisa: We didn't say anything.
Bart: Not one word.
Homer: Well, no "pantomomine" either.
Marge: Any luck, Homey?
Homer: No, I called all three Herbert Powells in Detroit. Nothing.
Marge: Hmm. Well, you wanna try that H. Powell? (Points in phonebook)
Homer: H.! Of course! That could stand for Herbert! It's a long shot, but--(Dials the phone)
Homer: All right, you eggheads! I want a place in this car to put my drink!
Engineer: Sir, the-the car has a beverage holder.
Homer: Hello! Hello, Einstein! I said a place to put my drink. You know those Super Slakers they sell at the Kwik-E-Mart? (Makes a large circle with his hands.) The cup is this big!
Engineer: (Talks as he writes on a clipboard.) Extremly large beverage holder.
Homer: I'm not done yet. You know that little ball you put on the aerial so you can find your car in the parking lot? That should be on every car!
Engineer: (Talks as he writes on a clipboard.) Litte ball.
Homer: And some things are so snazzy, they never go out of style! Like tail fins and bubble domes and shag carpeting.
Engineer: I gotta call the boss.
Homer: Gee, Herb, because of me, you lost your business, your home and all your possessions. I can't help but think that maybe you'd have been better off if I'd never come into your life.
Herb: Maybe I would have been better off? Maybe? Why, you sponge head! Of course I'd have been better off! As far as I'm concerned, I have no brother!
(Herb pulls away in a bus headed out of town.)
Marge: (Consoles Homer) Hmm. Maybe he just said that to make conversation. - 678.0Homer starts his own "internet company", and the kids have a U.N. Club that ends up getting stranded on an island for an awesome Lord of the Flies parody (which is their second).
Homer: Oh, they have the Internet on computers now!
Homer: Welcome to the Internet, my friend. How can I help you?
Comic Book Guy: I'm interested in upgrading my 28.8 kilobaud Internet connection to a 1.5 megabit fiber optic T1 line. Will you be able to provide an IP router that's compatible with my Token Ring Ethernet LAN configuration?
(Pause)
Homer: Can I have some money now?
Skinner: Order! Do you kids want to be like the real UN? Or do you just want to squabble and waste time?
Skinner: Poland, tell us about your country's achievements.
Milhouse: Well, I heard they sent a rocket to the sun once, at night, and then there was that submarine, with the screen door . . .
Homer: Compu-global-hyper-meganet, Junior Vice President Homer Simpson speaking, how may I direct your call? (hands the phone to Marge) It's Patty.
Bart: It'll be like "The Swiss Family Robinson," but with more swearing. We'll live like kings. Damn, h**l, ass kings! - 687.6Santa's Little Helper gets sick.
Announcer: The state lottery, where everybody wins! (quickly) Actual odds of winning one in three hundred and eighty million.
Homer: Bart, I need some lucky numbers, fast, how old are you? Uh huh, and what's your birthday?...No kidding, and what's Lisa's birthday? What, you don't know your sister's birthday, what kind of brother are you?
Homer: I want to tell you about the most wonderful place in the world: Doggie Heaven. In Doggie Heaven, there are mountains of bones, and you can't turn around without sniffing another dog's butt! And all the best dogs are there, Old Yeller, and about eight Lassies.
Bart: Is there a Doggie H**l?
Homer: Well… of course, there couldn't be a heaven if there weren't a h**l.
Bart: Who's in there?
Homer: Oh, uh… Hitler's dog… and that dog Nixon had, what's his name, um, Chester…
Lisa: Checkers.
Homer: Yeah! One of the Lassies is in there, too. The mean one! The one who mauled Timmy!
Kent Brockman: But there's already one big winner...Our state school system, which gets fully half the profits from the library.
Skinner: Just think what we can buy with that money...History books that know how the Korean War came out. Math books that don't have that base six c**p in them! And a state-of-the-art detention hall, where children are held in place by magnets
Police Chief Wiggum: (Answers phone) Uh, no you've got the wrong number. This is 9-1... 2 - 698.3Homer steals Cable.
Bart: (about Hell) Wouldn't you eventually get used to it, like in a hot tub?
Homer: Oh, hey, hey. Family, family, come here. I have an announcement to make. The Simpsons have cable!
Bart and Lisa: (In unison) Cable!?
(The kids excitedly clamour in front of the TV.)
Homer: That's right, 68 channels. MTV for the kids, (To Marge) VH-1 for us. Sixteen hundred hours of quality programming, every day!
Marge: Homer, we've talked about cable before. Do you really think we can afford it?
Homer: (Chuckles) Nothing a month? Yeah, I think we can swing that.
Marge: Mmm. Are you sure this is legal?
Homer: Don't worry, Marge. Take a look at this.
(Homer hands Marge a pamphlet entitled, "So, You've Decided To Steal Cable.")
Marge: (Reads from pamphlet) "Myth: It's only fair to pay for quality first-run movies. Fact: Most movies shown on cable get two stars or less, and are repeated ad nauseam." Hmm. I don't know.
Homer: (Enticingly) Marge.
(Homer turns the channel.)
Woman Announcer: Hear Me Roar, the network for women.
Woman TV Host: In the next half-hour, we'll show you how to cut your first-aid bill in half by making your own band-aids.
Marge: Ooh, that's a good idea.
(Homer watches a Jerry Seinfeld type comedian on TV.)
Comedian: Don't you hate it when you go to the bathroom… and there's no toilet paper?
(Homer and the TV audience laugh.)
Homer: It's funny 'cause it's true! - 707.8The kids get snowed into the school with Skinner and Willie.
(Bart and Lisa listen to the radio.)
Radio Announcer: The following schools are closed today; Shelbyville, Ogdenville, Ogdenville Tech, and Springfield Elementary...
(Bart and Lisa gasp in surprise.)
Radio Announcer: ...My Dear Watson Detective school.
(Bart groans.)
Radio Announcer: And lastly, Springfield Elementary School...
Bart and Lisa: YAAAAAAAAY!
Radio Announcer: ...is OPEN!
Bart and Lisa: Awwwwwww!!!
Radio Announcer: And it's open season on savings at Springfield Menswear... which is closed
(During a fierce blizzard)
Marge: This is terrible! How will the kids get home?
Homer: I dunno. Internet?
Nelson: Skinner gets paid $25,000 a year!
Bart: Let's see, he's 40 years old--Wow, he's a millionaire!
Principal Skinner: I wasn't a principal when I was one!
Milhouse: And in the summer, he paints houses. He's a billionaire!
Principal Skinner: If I was a billionaire, why would I still be living with my mother?
(Kids laugh)
Principal Skinner: They don't seem to listen to logic anymore.
Flanders: Hey, whatever happened to the Plow from your old snow plow business?
Homer: I never had a snow plow business!
Flanders: Sure you did, Mr. Plow. You're wearing the jacket right now!
Homer: I think I know my own life, Ned.
Kent Brockman: (about the blizzard) Roads closed, pipes frozen, Albinos...virtually invisible. - 718.0A popular TV character named Homer Simpson forces our Homer Simpson to change his name to Max Power which changes Homer's life.
Lisa: Max Power?
Homer: Dynamic, isn't it?
Bart: I love it, Max.
Marge: You changed your name without consulting me?
Homer: That's the way Max Power is, Marge. Decisive, Uncompromising! And rude!
Grampa: Oh, wait a minute. The family name is my legacy to you. I got it from my father, and he got it from his father, and he traded a mule for it! And that mule went on to save Spring Break!
Burns: Ah! Max Power! How's every little thing?
Homer: You remembered my name!
Burns: Well, who could forget the name of a magnetic individual like you? Keep up the good work, Max!
Homer: Mr. Power.
Burns: Yes, of course. Mr. Power.
Marge: But I married Homer Simpson! I don't want to snuggle with Max Power.
Homer: You don't snuggle with Max Power, you strap yourself in and feel the G's! - 728.0Krusty loses his job, but Bart helps him have a comeback with a standup act.
Marge: Oh, look! This is the perfect chance to get you kids some nice church shoes!
(Bart and Lisa sigh)
Bart: What do we need church shoes for, Jesus wore sandals.
Homer: Well, maybe if he had better arch support they wouldn't have caught him.
Bart: I don't get it, Krusty. You said you would never be a shill again!
Krusty: Me, I learned something about myself today. It ain't comedy that's in my blood. It's selling out.
Homer: Heh heh heh, from now on, I'm gonna be just like Krusty and tell it like it is. Marge, you're getting a little fat around the old thighs!
Bart: Dad!
Homer: You too, Bart!
Marge: Oh, knock it off, Homer; you're the fattest one in the car!
Homer: (shocked) You didn't have to tell it like it is, Marge!
(Homer walks into the bathroom about to take a pee)
Bart: Dad!
Homer: Whoops, sorry, son. I didn't know you, Jay Leno and a monkey were bathing a clown! - 737.8Homer starts a bowling team that ends up being pretty good, until Mr. Burns forces his way on.
Homer: Let me set the scene for you, Marge.
Marge: All right.
Homer: It's a 7-10 split.
Marge: Uh-huh.
Homer: The hardest shot in bowling. It was all up to me.
Marge: Oh!
Homer: So I got up all my courage. Right away, my lips started to move, and I came up with the chant that won the match!
Marge: Who knocked down the pins?
Homer: I don't know. You know, some guy, uh... Otto, I guess.
Marge: Good for him!
Homer: Yes, but, Marge, you're mi--you're missing the point! The individual doesn't matter! It was a team effort! And I was the one who came up with the whole team idea! Me!
Marge: I can't believe Otto picked up a 7-10 split! He's phenomenal!
Homer: But, just--
Marge: Wow!
(Moe shares his feelings on Mr. Burns joining the bowling team.)
Moe: Call this an unfair generalization if you must, but old people are no good at everything.
Bart: Omigod! The MAD Magazine Special Edition! They only put out seventeen of these a year!
Milhouse: Boy, they're really socking it to that Spiro Agnew guy! He must work there or something.
Homer: I guess some people never change. Or, they quickly change, then quickly change back. - 747.8Marge becomes addicted to gambling when Burns builds a casino in town. Homer, of course, ends up working there and Mr. Burns becomes Howard Hughes. Bart builds his own casino in his treehouse.
Homer: Ssshh! I'm trying to teach the baby to gamble.
Marge: Why?
Homer: I got a job at Burns' casino. As you know, it's been my lifelong dream to become a blackjack dealer.
Marge: Your lifelong dream was to be a contestant on "The Gong Show",
(after flashback)
Homer: We got more gongs than the break-dancing robot that caught on fire.
Homeless Guy: Got any spare change?
Grampa: Yeah! And you ain't gettin' it! Everybody wants something for nothing! (Walks into the Social Security Office) I'm old, gimme gimme gimme!
Lisa: I'm not a state, I'm a monster!
Homer: No, Lisa. The only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother! I call him Gamblor, and it's time to snatch your mother from his neon claws!
Kent Brockman: Joblessness is not just for philosophy majors anymore. Useful people are starting to feel the pinch. - 757.2Marge has a nervous breakdown taking care of her insane, demanding family. She goes off to a spa and Homer takes over. Awesomeness ensues.
Eddie: She's locked in the car and refuses to move.
Chief Wiggum: Did you flash your lights?
Eddie: Yes.
Chief Wiggum: Well, I'm fresh out of ideas.
Marge: I need to unwind.
Homer: I know you do, Marge, but come on, you know what our vacations are like. Those three monsters in the back seat: "Are we there yet? Are we there yet?" And let's face it; I'm no day at the beach either: "Marge, can I have another sandwich? Marge, can I have another sandwich?"
Troy: I'm Troy McClure. You might remember me from such movies as "Today We Kill, Tomorrow We Die" and "Gladys the Groovy Mule." But today you'll see me in my greatest role - your video tour guide to Rancho Relaxo!
Homer: Barney! I lost the baby! What am I going to do!?
Barney: Don't worry. Don't worry. Know what I'm going to do? I'm going to make you an omelet.
Homer: Just help me look.
Barney: Are you sure? I make 'em with four kinds of cheese.
Radio: It's time for another Bill and Marty Classic Prank Call!
Bill: Hello is this Mr. Chester Sherman?
Chester: Yes.
Bill: Sir your wife is dead!
Chester: Oh...god, no!
Bill: That’s right, she just walked through a plate glass window, there's blood everywhere!
Chester: But...but I just talked to her (starts crying)
Bill/Marty: (Laughs) - 768.1This ep is brilliant. And has some of Alf Clausen's (music composer) greatest work in it. Apu loses his job at the Kwik-E mart after selling rancid meat. Who needs the Kwik-e Mart? I dooooooooooooo......
Man #1: I need one twenty-nine-cent stamp.
Apu: That's a dollar-eighty-five.
Man #2: I'll have two dollars worth of gas.
Apu: Four-twenty.
Martin: How much is your penny candy?
Apu: Surprisingly expensive!
(Homer eats some expired, rancid hot dog.)
Homer: Oh, stomach churning...bowels clenching...not much time...must finish.
Homer: Your old meat made me sick.
Apu: I am so sorry, sir. Please accept five pounds of frozen shrimp.
Homer: These shrimp aren't frozen, and they smell funny.
Apu: Okay, ten pounds.
Homer: Woohoo!
Grampa: Ah, there's an interesting story behind this nickel. In 1957, I remember it was, I got up in the morning and made myself a piece of toast. I set the toaster to three - medium brown. - 779.3This is the baseball episode, where the plant gets a team and a ton of real MLB players do guest voices.
Marge: And the next man wants to hit the ball too...and he does and everyone is happy.
Bart: Uh, mom? Why don't you let me call the game?
Marge: That's alright dear, I can do it.
Homer: You're Darryl Strawberry?
Darryl: Yes.
Homer: You play right field?
Darryl: Yes.
Homer: I play right field too, so, are you better than me?
Darryl: Well, I've never met you, but…yes.
Umpire: Okay, let's go over the ground rules. You can't leave first until you chug a beer. Any man scoring has to chug a beer. You have to chug a beer at the top of all odd-numbered innings. Oh, and the fourth inning is the beer inning.
Wiggum: Hey, we know how to play softball!
Officer Eddie: (reading Steve Sax's license) Well well, Steve Sax, from New York City.
Officer Lou: I heard some guy got killed in New York City and they never solved the case. But you wouldn't know anything about that now, would you, Steve?
(Lou and Eddie laugh)
Steve Sax: But there are hundreds of unsolved murders in New York City.
Officer Lou: You don't know when to keep your mouth shut, do you, Saxxy Boy?
Homer: Come here, boy, I want to show you something.
Bart: What's that, a homemade bat?
Homer: It's something very special: a homemade bat.
Homer: It was a lightning storm and I'd locked myself out. So, sheltering myself with a large piece of sheet metal, I ran and took shelter under the largest tree I could find. - 788.5Homer skips church one cold Sunday morning. After realizing the freedom he can obtain from having the house all to himself, Homer decides to stop going to church altogether.
Homer: Kids, let me tell you about another so-called wicked guy. He had long hair and some wild ideas. He didn't always do what other people thought was right. And that man's name was... I forget. But the point is... I forget that, too. Marge, you know what I'm talking about. He used to drive that blue car?
Reverend Lovejoy: Homer, you remember Matthew 21-27, "The Foolish man who built his house on sand".
Homer: And you remember Matthew...21-17?
Reverend Lovejoy: And he left them, and went out of the city into Bethany; and he lodged there?
Homer: Yeah...(regains confidence) think about it.
Homer: Oh, the song. The song. (sings) When the fire starts to burn, there's a lesson you must learn. Something something, then you'll see: You'll avoid catastrophe! D'oh!
Ned: Homer, God didn't set your house on fire.
Reverend Lovejoy: No, but He was working in the hearts of your friends and
neighbors when they came to your aid, be they Christian (Ned), Jew (Krusty), or ... miscellaneous (Apu).
Apu: Hindu! There are 700 million of us.
Reverend Lovejoy: Aw, that's super.
God: (To Homer) Now if you'll excuse me, I have to appear on a tortilla in Mexico.
Homer: God, I gotta ask you something. What's the meaning of life?
God: Homer, I can't tell you that.
Homer: C'mon!
God: You'll find out when you die.
Homer: I can't wait that long!
God: You can't wait six months?
Homer: No! Tell me now!
God: Well... okay. The meaning of life is...
(gets cut off by the closing music) - 798.2While a cat burglar prowls Springfield and evades capture, Homer forms a vigilante group to protect the city. The posse gags are some of the funnier bits of the series.
Kent Brockman: When cat burglaries start, can mass murders be far behind? This reporter isn't saying that the burglar is an inhuman monster like the Wolfman, but he very well could be. So, professor: would you say it's time for everyone to panic?
Professor: Yes I would, Kent
Homer: People can come up with statistics to prove anything Kent. Forty percent of people know that!
Jimbo: Hey, you're that drunken posse. Wow! Can I join ya?
Homer: I don't know, can you swing a sack of doorknobs?
Jimbo: Can I!
Homer: You're in. Here's the sack.
Moe: But you gotta supply your own doorknobs.
Homer: So I said to him, "Look buddy, your car was upside-down when we got here. And as for your grandma, she shouldn't have mouthed off like that."
Kent Brockman: Well, what do you say to the accusation that your group has been causing more crimes than it's been committing?
Homer: Oh Kent, I'd be lying if I said my men weren't committing crimes.
Kent Brockman: (pause) Mmm, touché.
Ned: Since the police can't seem to get off their duff-a-roonies to do something about this burglar-ino, I propose we start out own neighborhood watch (pause) aroony! (everyone cheers) Now, who should lead the group?
Man: You!
Everyone: (cheering again) Flanders! Flanders! Flanders!
Ned: Well, I don't have much experience, but I'd be--
Moe: Someone else!
Ned: (more cheers) Someone else! Someone else! Someone else!
Homer: I'm someone else!
Lenny: He's right! - 807.6After the plant fails miserably at a routine fire drill, Mr. Burns organizes a retreat to promote teamwork.
Mr. Burns: Oh, yes, sitting, the great leveler. From the mightiest pharoah to the lowliest peasant, who doesn't enjoy a good sit?
Marge: Don't worry, kids. This is a national park. We can have lots of fun!
Ranger: Oh, I'm afraid that's no longer true, ma'am. Budget cutbacks have forced us to eliminate anything the least bit entertaining
Mr. Burns: Is it supposed to take this long? What's a good time for a mass evacuation of the entire plant?
Smithers: Forty-five seconds.
Mr. Burns: And what's our time so far?
Smithers: I don't know, sir. This stopwatch only goes up to fifteen minutes.
Mr. Burns: Damnation! What kind of slow coaches do I have working for me?
Smithers: Each two-man team will work its way through the wilderness to a cabin hidden somewhere on this mountain. The routes are treacherous, so use your maps.
Homer: (raising his hand) Uh, I lost my map.
Smithers: You haven't been issued a map.
Homer: You know, Mr. Burns, you're the richest guy I know. Way richer than Lenny.
Mr. Burns: Oh, yes. But I'd trade it all for a little more.
(Bart presses a red button on the electronic Smokey.)
Electronic Smokey: Only who can prevent forest fires?
(There is a stand with buttons for "You" and "Me", Bart presses "You")
Electronic Smokey: You pressed "You", referring to me. That is incorrect. The correct answer is, "You". - 817.7Bart needs to pass a test or he has to repeat 4th grade. Martin tutors him.
Bart: Well, as Mrs. Krabappel already mentioned, the name of the book that I read was Treasure Island. It's about these pirates, (Looks at the illustrated cover of the book.) pirates with patches over their eyes, (Looks at cover.) and shiny gold teeth, (Looks at cover.) and green birds on their shoulders. Did I mention this book was written (Looks at cover.) by a guy named Robert Louis Stevenson? (Looks at cover.) And published by the good people at McGraw-Hill. So, in conclusion, on the Simpson scale of one to ten--ten being the highest, one being the lowest and five being average--I give this book a nine. (Clears throat) Any questions?
(Several students raise their hands.)
Bart: No? Then I’ll just sit down.
Martin: As a natural enemy, I don't know why I should care, but the information pertaining to America's colonial period that you just received is erroneous.
Bart: So, you're saying--
Martin: A blindfolded chimp with a pencil in his teeth has a better chance at passing this test than you do.
Bart: I need you to help me get a passing grade.
Martin: Well, you do need someone's help to get a passing grade, but I don't know why that someone should be me.
Bart: Because I can make it so the other kids don't laugh at you so much.
Martin: They...laugh at me? I'd always considered myself rather popular.
Bart: You're not. Watch.
(Bart grunts as he pushes Martin to the ground and nearby kids laugh.)
Martin: But my--my speed with numbers, my years of service as a hall monitor, my prize-winning dioramas--these things mean nothing to them?
Bart: Perhaps another demonstration.
(Again Bart grunts as he pushes Martin to the ground and nearby kids laugh.)
Martin: Who would have thought that pushing a boy into the girls' lavatory could be such a thrill? The screams! The humiliation! The fact that it wasn't me! I've never felt so alive.
Homer: We're proud of you, boy.
Bart: Thanks, Dad. But part of this D-minus belongs to God. - 828.1After using an expensive miracle hair-restoration product, Homer becomes a new and successful man with a full head of hair.
Lenny: Homer, don’t be a sap all of your life. Just fill out a few medical insurance forms creatively. Charge that Dimoxinil stuff to the company.
Homer: But it’s a thousand bucks. Burns would can my butt in no time flat.
Lenny: (Sarcastically) Ooh! A thousand bucks. So what? To Mr. Burns, that’s one less ivory back scratcher.
Karl: You don't belong here.
Homer: Huh?
Karl: You don't belong here.
(Karl stands and points at Homer across the desk)
Karl: You're a fraud and a phony, and it's only a matter of time until they find you out.
Homer: (Gasps) Who told you?
Karl: You did. You told me with the way you slump your shoulders, the way you talk into your chest, the way you smother yourself in bargain-basement lime-green polyester.
Burns: Let the fools have their "tar-tar sauce."
(After the Dimoxinil is spilled on the floor, Homer rubs his head on the carpet and cries)
Lisa: Dad seems to be taking this in a less than heroic fashion. - 837.0After a crazy b-story where Homer leaves town to avoid a duel, he ends up on the old family farm and manages to grow a super-addictive tomato-tobacco hybrid.
Homer: Oh, it's been a month. Why won't anything grow?
Marge: Maybe it needs more fertilizer.
Homer: I'm only one man, Marge.
Lisa: You're about to launch a terrible evil on the world. You've got to destroy this plant!
Homer: I know, honey. But what can I do as an individidual? I wouldn't know where to begin.
Lisa: Just burn that plant right now and end this madness.
Homer: I wish I could make a difference, Lisa, but I'm just one man.
Lisa: Grrrr!
Homer: I agree, but how?
Homer: If we learned one thing from The Amazing Colossal Man and Grasshopperus, it's that radiation makes stuff grow real big, real fast.
Marge: But didn't Grasshopperus kill Chad Everett?
Homer: Only because he tried to reason with him.
Homer: (about raccoons) Just think of them as cats with rabies. - 847.0Skinner loses his job and he and Bart form a friendship outside of school.
Principal Skinner: (Over phone) I know Weinstein's parents were upset Superintendent, but I was sure it was a phony holiday. I mean, it sounds so made-up: Yom kip-pur!
Superintendent Chalmers: Thank the Lord? That sounded like a prayer. A prayer. A prayer in a public school! God has no place within these walls, just like facts have no place within organized religion!
Homer: Whoa, whoa, whoa, let me get this straight. They let everybody out of school early just because you brought a dog?
Bart: Well, yeah, but--
Homer: Well, I'm off to work. (picks up the dog)
Skinner: Now I... I finally have time to do what I've always wanted: write the great American novel. Mine is about a futuristic amusement park where dinosaurs are brought to life through advanced cloning techniques. I call it Billy and the Cloneasaurus.
Apu: Oh, you have got to be kidding, sir. First, you think of an idea that has already been done. Then, you give it a title that nobody could possibly like. Didn't you think this through-- (passage of time) --it was on the bestseller list for eighteen months! Every magazine cover had-- (passage of time) --most popular movies of all time, sir! What were you thinking?!! (pause) I mean, thank you, come again.
Bart: Hey, what's this?
Principal Skinner: Oh, that's my old unit from Vietnam. I was their sergeant, they were my loyal troops. (photo shows Skinner saluting and his men scowling at him) That photo was taken shortly before I was shot in the back… which was very strange because it was during a Bob Hope show. I was trying to get Joey Heatherton to put on some pants, for God's sake. - 857.1Homer buys the family an RV and they set out for an off-road adventure in the forest.
Even though this episode is crude (it was one of the very first eps shown on tv), it stands as the very first Simpsons ep I ever saw (while I was going to animation school in Canada, no less!) and when Homer's makeshift rabbit trap flung the rabbit 3 miles away, I am not sure I had ever laughed so hard at a cartoon. It also included Albert Brooks as the RV salesman, which increases its awesome by the standard Al Brooks +10 points.
(Bob the RV salesman checks Homer's credit on a computer, and a siren wails when the results come back.)
Homer: Is that a good siren? Am I approved?
Bob: You ever known a siren to be good? (Chuckles) No, Mr. Simpson, it's not. It's a bad siren. That's the computer in case I went blind, telling me, "Sell the vehicle to this fella, and you're outta business." That's what the siren says.
(Homer and Bart head off to find civilization.)
Lisa: Remember, Dad, the handle of the Big Dipper points to the North Star.
Homer: (Chuckles) That's nice, Lisa, but we're not in astronomy class. We're in the woods.
(Homer's "Bigfoot" story is reported on TV.)
Reporter: Naturally, we'll have more on this story as soon as it develops. We now return you to the President's address, already in progress.
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