L The List
- 1"Have the Rolling Stones Killed."
It's almost impossible to pick the best Simpsons Episode, but this one is easily in the top 5, and I put it at the top because that's just the kind of day it is. Of course, this is a Swartzwelder ep, probably all these in the top 10 or even 20 are.
Smithers: I have some sad news to report. A small puppy, not unlike Lassie, was just run over in the parking lot.
Smithers: And now it's time for the comedy stylings of Homer Simpson!
Homer: Are you ready to laugh?
- 2Lisa Needs Braces - DENTAL PLAN
So much awesomeness. This is possibly a perfect episode in terms of structure. But down to the details, every single one is gold. The Grinch parody with Mr. Burns, Lisa's protest guitarin', the Smartline bits, the dentists office...
This ep was also the source of Grandpa's awesome Union buster speech to mr Burns:
"We can't bust heads like we used to, but we have our ways. One trick is to tell 'em stories that don't go anywhere - like the time I caught the ferry over to Shelbyville. I needed a new heel for my shoe, so, I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on 'em. Give me five bees for a quarter, you'd say.
Now where were we? Oh yeah: the important thing was I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time. They didn't have white onions because of the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones..."
Boy: You can't treat the working man this way. One day we'll form a union and get the fair and equittable treatment we deserve. Then we'll go too far, and get corrupt and shiftless and the Japanese will eat us alive!
Mr. Burns' Grandfather: The Japanese!? Those sandal-wearing goldfish tenders? Bosh! Flimshaw!
Mr. Burns: If only we'd listened to that boy, instead of walling him up in the abandoned coke oven.
Lisa: Do you really think you can get our dental plan back, dad?
Homer: Well, that depends on who's the better negotiator, Mr. Burns or me...
Bart: Dad, I'll trade you this delicious doorstop for your crummy old Danish.
Homer: Done and done!
Mr. Burns: Simpson, eh? New man?
Smithers: He thwarted your campaign for governor, you ran over his son, he saved the plant from meltdown, his wife painted you in the nude...
Mr. Burns: Doesn't ring a bell.
Dr. Wolfe: How often do you brush, Ralph.
Ralph: Three times a day, sir.
Dr. Wolfe: Why must you turn my office into a house of lies?
- 3I wanted to put this one at #1, but couldn't deny the awesome of Rosebud. Still, the Planet of the Apes musical still makes me laugh myself to death.
Lisa: Dad, what's a Muppet?
Homer: Well, it's not quite a mop, and it's not quite a puppet, but man… (laughs) So to answer your question: I don't know.
Parker: Ever hear of Planet of the Apes?
Troy: Uh, the movie or the planet?
Parker: The brand-new multimillion dollar musical. And you are starring… as the human.
Troy: It's the part I was born to play, baby!
- 4The visual gag of homer obsessed with Clown College and seeing everything around him as bobbing clowns is one that has stayed with me forever and ever.
"Aw, being a clown sucks! You get kicked by kids, bit by dogs, and admired by the elderly. Who am I clowning? I have no business being a clown! I'm leaving the clowning business to all the other clowns in the clowning business! "
Krusty's Accountant: So let me get this straight - you took all the money you made franchising your name and bet it AGAINST the Harlem Globetrotters?
Krusty the Clown: But I thought the Generals were due.
[watches the game on TV]
Krusty the Clown: He's spinning the ball on his finger. Just take it. That game is fixed!
- 5First of all. The sandwich. Maybe if not for the sandwich, I wouldn't have put this one so high. But ... sandwich, I could never stay mad at you.
Homer (to sandwich): Another foot and it'll fit in the fridge!
Homer: Marge, I'd like to be alone with the sandwich for a moment.
Marge: Are you going to eat it?
Homer: (short silence) ...Yes.
Also. Duff Gardens. Nuff said.
- 6Albert Brooks is Scorpio. This is easily my favorite of his many Simpsons roles. So. So. Funny.
I quote almost everything Hank Scoprio said... constantly, and every time I see it, I still laugh.
Hank Scorpio: Uh, hi, Homer. What can I do for you?
Homer: Sir, I need to know where I can get some business hammocks.
Hank Scorpio: Hammocks? My goodness, what an idea. Why didn't I think of that? Hammocks! Homer, there's four places. There's the Hammock Hut, that's on third.
Hank Scorpio: There's Hammocks-R-Us, that's on third too. You got Put-Your-Butt-There.
Hank Scorpio: That's on third. Swing Low, Sweet Chariot... Matter of fact, they're all in the same complex; it's the hammock complex on third.
Homer: Oh, the hammock district!
Hank Scorpio: That's right.
Hank Scorpio:What happened?... When did that happen?... How much of it?... Oh my goodness, I'll be right up!
[Hangs up the phone]
Hank Scorpio: Homer, I've gotta go, there's a problem upstairs! Somebody ate part of my lunch!