Ron Swanson, the bacon-loving, pyramid-touting boss on NBC's hilarious sitcom 'Parks and Recreation,' has GOT to be one of the funniest and most quotable characters on television. Looking for the funniest Ron Swanson quotes? You've come to the right place. Nick Offerman's portrayal of the (let's face it) totally moronic Ron Swanson brings big laughs for fans of the show. And if you aren't a fan - become one. Now. 'Parks and Recreation' is one of the most cleverly written sitcoms in years!
Without furthur adieu, we present some nuggets of wisdom from Ron Swanson, via his often disturbing and hysterically funny quotes!
For more fans of small government, here's Ranker user Mr Porcupine's List of LIbertarian Celebrities. http://www.ranker.com/list/libertarian-celebrities/mrporcupine
Ron: "I've been developing the Swanson Pyramid of Greatness for years. It's a perfectly calibrated recipe for maximum personal achievement. Categories include: Capitalism, God's way of determining who is smart, and who is poor. Crying, acceptable at funerals and the Grand Canyon. Rage. Poise. Property rights. Fish, for sport only, not for meat. Fish meat is practically a vegetable."
Ron Swanson believes in his Swanson Pyramid of Greatness. He preaches it to anyone who'll listen, including children. Yes, follow the Pyramid of Greatness and you too can be just like Ron Swanson. A bacon-eating, libertarian out to destroy all that is right and good in this world!
Ron: "Just give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Wait, wait. I'm worried what you just heard was, 'Give me a lot of bacon and eggs.' What I said was, 'Give me all the bacon and eggs you have.' Do you understand?"
Bacon is one of the four major food groups. That's about the only thing we agree with Ron on. Okay maybe the fish meat-as-vegetable idea....
Ron: "This is your lunch. You should be able to do whatever you want to with this, right?...But here I come, the government, and I get to take 40% of your lunch. And that, Lauren, is how taxes work."
Then Ron eats the little girl's lunch. Also, a bit more than 40% to compensate for Capital Gains Tax.
Ron: "The less I know about other people's affairs, the happier I am. I'm not interested in caring about people. I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name. Best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes."
Ron Swanson: He cares about his co-workers. As long as they don't beat him in Scrabble...
Ron: "An ideal night out, to me, is stepping onto my porch area and grilling up a thick slab of something’s flesh and then popping in a highlight real from the WNBA."
Any wonder this douche has been divorced - twice? We didn't think so.
Ron Swanson: "...I don't want this parks department to build any parks, because I don't believe in government. I think that all government is a waste of taxpayer money. My dream is to have the park system privatized, and run entirely for profit by corporations. Like Chuck E. Cheese. They have an impeccable business model - I would rather work for Chuck E. Cheese."
Ron Swanson hates, really really hates, big government. So much so that he believes it's entirely possible for the parks department to be run exactly like Chuck E. Cheese - drop in a token, look at a duck or take a walk. This quote pretty much sums up Ron's entire philosophy. He's out to ensure that things do NOT run smoothly and efficiently in his department.
Ron: "On my death bed, my final wish is to have my ex-wives rush to my side so I can use my dying breath to tell them both to go to hell one last time. Would I get married again? Oh, absolutely. If you don't believe in love, what's the point of living?"
Ron's philosophy on marriage, like many of his philosophies, is slightly skewed. At least he believes in true love though, right?
Ron: "I got my first job when I was nine, I worked at a sheet metal factory. In two weeks, I was running the floor. Child labor laws are ruining this country."
Ron's ideal employee at the parks department would probably be a child under the age of 10 who likes heavy labor.
Ron: "I'm hungry." Leslie: "Okay, well, don't be such a baby - I cooked you some bacon for a trail snack. Ron: I ate it already." Leslie: "What?!" Ron: "I could smell it in your purse before I even parked my car. And now it's gone - and I hate everything!"
Yet another example of Ron's childishness - though we must admit, bacon-as-trail mix is a stellar idea...
April: (enters Ron's office) ""Yo, I had to wait until my dad fell asleep so I could steal his keys." Ron: ""I was born ready. I'm Ron F**king Swanson."
Poor April. Ron's been sitting in his office chair all day, suffering from a hernia - and it's HER job, as an intern, to take him and his born-ready, douche-bag self, to the ER?
Ron: "I have a hernia. I've had it for a while, and I've been ignoring it successfully. But uh, this morning, I made the mistake of sneezing. But as long as I sit still and don't move my head or torso, I'm good. I got this."
Even a hernia can't keep a man like Ron Swanson down. It can, however, confine him to his chair, unmoving, for an entire work day. And it can make eating a burger particularly difficult.
Ron: "I'm a simple man. I like pretty, dark-haired women and breakfast food. But this stock photo I bought at a framing store isn't real. Today I got the real thing: A naked Tammy made me breakfast this morning. Should have taken a picture of it..."
Thanks for not taking a pic, Ron, though we love Tammy. FYI: Actress Megan Mullally, who portrays one of the Tammy's, is actually Nick Offerman's wife in real-life.
Ron: "I just want to get the work over as soon as possible so I can do some fishing. Fishing relaxes me. It's like yoga except I still get to kill something."
Ron Swanson is comedy gold - which can also be very relaxing. Or you can always grab your yoga mat and a rifle for a little R&R...
Ron: "I've created this office as a symbol of how I feel about government. This sawed-off shotgun belonged to a local bootlegger. People who come in here to ask me for things have to stare right down the barrel..."
Yes, Ron's office is his oasis. And let's not forget his basketball court and his fanatical love of Bobby Knight.
Ron: "I am only here because I owe Leslie a thousand favors. I'm not big on charities. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Don’t teach a man to fish, and you feed yourself. He’s a grown man. Fishing’s not that hard."
Such a generous man, our Ron Swanson. A true American hero!
MrPorcupine The Funniest Ron Swanson Quotes at 7/13/2011 4:23 PM
He's not "moronic". He's a *caricature* of Libertarians the same way Jack Donaghy is of Republicans, and Lisa Simpson of Democrats. (Thank you for the link to one of my lists in your description BTW.)
If you want a list featuring real libertarian quotes check out:
Ron: "Just give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Wait, wait. I'm worried what you just heard was, 'Give me a lot of bacon and eggs.' What I said was, 'Give me all the bacon and eggs you have.' Do you understand?"
Ron: "The less I know about other people's affairs, the happier I am. I'm not interested in caring about people. I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name. Best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes."
Post a Comment
The Funniest Ron Swanson Quotes at 3/27/2012 5:41 AM
What the author really means here is "I wonder how this douche has been divorced twice, and I can't even find a girlfriend."
Maybe because you look like a neck-bearded basement-dweller.
The Ideal Night Out at 9/22/2011 3:53 PM
The Funniest Ron Swanson Quotes at 9/21/2011 10:11 AM
The Funniest Ron Swanson Quotes at 7/13/2011 4:23 PM
If you want a list featuring real libertarian quotes check out:
http://www.ranker.com/list/the-best-ron-paul-quotes/keaton