The Funniest Seinfeld Quotes

The sea was angry that day my friends, like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli

Jerry, just remember, it's not a lie if you believe it.

Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don't stare at it. It's too risky. Ya get a sense of it and then you look away.

When you look annoyed all the time, people think that you're busy.

You know I always wanted to pretend I was an architect.

You know the message you're sending out to the world with these sweatpants? You're telling the world, 'I give up.

I have a bad feeling that whenever a lesbian looks at me they think That's why I'm not a heterosexual.

I need the secure packaging of jockeys. My boys need a house.

You, my friend, have crossed the line between man and bum.

Elaine, breaking up is like knocking over a coke machine. You can't do it in one push, you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.

Every instinct I have, in every aspect of life, be it something to wear, something to eat - it's all been wrong.

People don't just bump into each other and have sex. This isn't Cinemax.

I'm much more comfortable criticizing people behind their backs.

I hate asking for change. They always make a face. It's like asking them to donate a kidney.

I can't go to a bad movie by myself. What, am I gonna make sarcastic remarks to strangers?

You should've seen her face. It was the exact same look my father gave me when I told him I wanted to be a ventriloquist.

My friend Jay Reimenschneider eats horse all the time

Did you know that the original title for War and Peace was War, What Is It Good For?

Why should I hire you to be my latex salesman?

I want to be the one person who doesn't die with dignity.

Sex, that’s meaningless, I can understand that, but dinner; that’s heavy. That’s like an hour.

That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me

Do you ever get down on your knees and thank God you know me and have access to my dementia?

Nobody drives like me. Nobody. I'm doing things in this car, you have no idea they're going on.

Parking at a garage is like going to a prostitute. Why pay for it when you can apply yourself, and then may be you can get it for free.

The carpet sweeper is the biggest scam perpetrated on the American public since one-hour martinizing.

You are way past the phone call break up stage