The Funniest Seinfeld Quotes TV Programs
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The Funniest Seinfeld Quotes

Seinfeld is arguably one of the funniest sitcoms ever, and inarguably one of the best quote-able comedies of all time. I put together a small sampling of some of the best quotes on the show, and yes, it is missing a LOT... because, come on. I have a job. (But I did manage to put in the ones I love the most that I could remember.) So, please, add your favorite quotes to the list and vote on the ones that are the best, most iconic, greatest quotes of the show's history. It's hard, I know, because so much of the funniest stuff is full bits... but if you want, go ahead and add those. Your discretion. Just the funniest stuff from Seinfeld is the only rule!

Check out more lists like all of the greatest TV shows ever made, the most hilarious TV shows and the best British TV shows
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  1. 1
    Up 58
    Down 14

    The sea was angry that day my friends, like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli

    George
  2. 2
    Up 59
    Down 15

    Jerry, just remember, it's not a lie if you believe it.

    George
  3. 3
    Up 50
    Down 13

    Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don't stare at it. It's too risky. Ya get a sense of it and then you look away.

    Jerry
  4. 4
    Up 40
    Down 8

    I need the secure packaging of jockeys. My boys need a house.

    added by: Ron Mexico
    Kramer
  5. 5
    Up 45
    Down 12

    When you look annoyed all the time, people think that you're busy.

    George
  6. 6
    Up 35
    Down 8

    Boy, these pretzels are makin' me thirsty

    Kramer
  7. 7
    Up 36
    Down 9

    You know the message you're sending out to the world with these sweatpants? You're telling the world, 'I give up.

    Jerry
  8. 8
    Up 36
    Down 10

    You're killing independent George!

    George
  9. 9
    Up 37
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    You know I always wanted to pretend I was an architect.

    George
  10. 10
    Up 32
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    I have a bad feeling that whenever a lesbian looks at me they think That's why I'm not a heterosexual.

    George
  11. 11
    Up 21
    Down 2

    I'm Out

    added by: birdiejay23
    "Kramer"
  12. 12
    Up 36
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    Yada yada yada

    Elaine
  13. 13
    Up 27
    Down 11
    No image

    Dolores!

    added by: jr4150
    "Jerry"
  14. 14
    Up 17
    Down 3

    No Soup for You

    added by: udontneedtoknowmyname
  15. 15
    Up 24
    Down 9

    I'm much more comfortable criticizing people behind their backs.

    George
  16. 16
    Up 26
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    You, my friend, have crossed the line between man and bum.

    Jerry - to George
  17. 17
    Up 21
    Down 9

    I hate asking for change. They always make a face. It's like asking them to donate a kidney.

    George
  18. 18
    Up 11
    Down 1
    No image

    They're Real.....and They're Spectacular!

    added by: falsedawn
    "Teri Hatcher" 
  19. 19
    Up 9
    Down 0
    No image

    new! Hello, Newman.

    added by: looksharp
    Jerry
  20. 20
    Up 20
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    You should've seen her face. It was the exact same look my father gave me when I told him I wanted to be a ventriloquist.

    George
  21. 21
    Up 21
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    No image

    Every instinct I have, in every aspect of life, be it something to wear, something to eat - it's all been wrong.

    George
  22. 22
    Up 24
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    Elaine, breaking up is like knocking over a coke machine. You can't do it in one push, you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.

    Jerry
  23. 23
    Up 22
    Down 12

    Did you know that the original title for War and Peace was War, What Is It Good For?

    Jerry
  24. 24
    Up 23
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    People don't just bump into each other and have sex. This isn't Cinemax.

    Jerry
  25. 25
    Up 19
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    I can't go to a bad movie by myself. What, am I gonna make sarcastic remarks to strangers?

    Jerry
  26. 26
    Up 19
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    I want to be the one person who doesn't die with dignity.

    George
  27. 27
    Up 7
    Down 2
    No image

    We're Not Gay. Not That There's Anything Wrong with That.

    added by: WarrenMitchell
  28. 28
    Up 11
    Down 6

    SERENITY NOW!

    added by: taichungcanuck
    Frank Costanza
  29. 29
    Up 17
    Down 12

    That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me

    Jerry
  30. 30
    Up 6
    Down 2
    No image

    He's a re-gifter.

    added by: looksharp
    Elaine
  31. 31
    Up 16
    Down 12

    Why should I hire you to be my latex salesman?

    Jerry
  32. 32
    Up 17
    Down 14

    Nobody drives like me. Nobody. I'm doing things in this car, you have no idea they're going on.

    George
  33. 33
    Up 4
    Down 2
    No image

    Worlds are colliding.

    added by: looksharp
    George
  34. 34
    Up 16
    Down 14

    I've always been a stall man.

    George
  35. 35
    Up 17
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    Do you ever get down on your knees and thank God you know me and have access to my dementia?

    George
  36. 36
    Up 14
    Down 13

    Sex, that’s meaningless, I can understand that, but dinner; that’s heavy. That’s like an hour.

    Jerry
  37. 37
    Up 3
    Down 2
    No image

    He's a close talker.

    added by: looksharp
    Elaine
  38. 38
    Up 4
    Down 3
    No image

    She has man hands.

    added by: looksharp
    Jerry
  39. 39
    Up 18
    Down 18

    Look to the cookie, Elaine!

    Jerry
  40. 40
    Up 14
    Down 14

    Women don't respect salad eaters.

    Jerry
  41. 41
    Up 11
    Down 11

    Parking at a garage is like going to a prostitute. Why pay for it when you can apply yourself, and then may be you can get it for free.

    George
  42. 42
    Up 12
    Down 13

    The carpet sweeper is the biggest scam perpetrated on the American public since one-hour martinizing.

    Kramer
  43. 43
    Up 13
    Down 16

    My friend Jay Reimenschneider eats horse all the time

    added by: Ron Mexico
    Kramer
  44. 44
    Up 9
    Down 14

    You are way past the phone call break up stage

    Elaine
  45. 45 +

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