The Funniest Seinfeld Quotes TV Programs

The Funniest Seinfeld Quotes

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Seinfeld is arguably one of the funniest sitcoms ever, and inarguably one of the best quote-able comedies of all time. I put together a small sampling of some of the best quotes on the show, and yes, it is missing a LOT... because, come on. I have a job. (But I did manage to put in the ones I love the most that I could remember.) So, please, add your favorite quotes to the list and vote on the ones that are the best, most iconic, greatest quotes of the show's history. It's hard, I know, because so much of the funniest stuff is full bits... but if you want, go ahead and add those. Your discretion. Just the funniest stuff from Seinfeld is the only rule!

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  Name
  1. 1
    Up 49
    Down 11

    Jerry, just remember, it's not a lie if you believe it.

    George
  2. 2
    Up 46
    Down 10

    The sea was angry that day my friends, like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli

    George
  3. 3
    Up 39
    Down 6

    Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don't stare at it. It's too risky. Ya get a sense of it and then you look away.

    Jerry
  4. 4
    Up 38
    Down 6

    When you look annoyed all the time, people think that you're busy.

    George
  5. 5
    Up 29
    Down 5

    You know the message you're sending out to the world with these sweatpants? You're telling the world, 'I give up.

    Jerry
  6. 6
    Up 31
    Down 7

    You're killing independent George!

    George
  7. 7
    Up 31
    Down 8

    You know I always wanted to pretend I was an architect.

    George
  8. 8
    Up 27
    Down 6

    I have a bad feeling that whenever a lesbian looks at me they think That's why I'm not a heterosexual.

    George
  9. 9
    Up 24
    Down 5

    I need the secure packaging of jockeys. My boys need a house.

    added by: Ron Mexico
    Kramer
  10. 10
    Up 22
    Down 6

    Boy, these pretzels are makin' me thirsty

    Kramer
  11. 11
    Up 24
    Down 8

    You, my friend, have crossed the line between man and bum.

    Jerry - to George
  12. 12
    Up 22
    Down 8
    No image

    Dolores!

    added by: jr4150
    "Jerry"
  13. 13
    Up 23
    Down 10

    Yada yada yada

    Elaine
  14. 14
    Up 20
    Down 8

    Elaine, breaking up is like knocking over a coke machine. You can't do it in one push, you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.

    Jerry
  15. 15
    Up 17
    Down 6

    I hate asking for change. They always make a face. It's like asking them to donate a kidney.

    George
  16. 16
    Up 18
    Down 7

    I'm much more comfortable criticizing people behind their backs.

    George
  17. 17
    Up 20
    Down 9

    People don't just bump into each other and have sex. This isn't Cinemax.

    Jerry
  18. 18
    Up 17
    Down 7
    No image

    Every instinct I have, in every aspect of life, be it something to wear, something to eat - it's all been wrong.

    George
  19. 19
    Up 14
    Down 7

    You should've seen her face. It was the exact same look my father gave me when I told him I wanted to be a ventriloquist.

    George
  20. 20
    Up 14
    Down 7

    Why should I hire you to be my latex salesman?

    Jerry
  21. 21
    Up 16
    Down 9

    Did you know that the original title for War and Peace was War, What Is It Good For?

    Jerry
  22. 22
    Up 15
    Down 9

    I can't go to a bad movie by myself. What, am I gonna make sarcastic remarks to strangers?

    Jerry
  23. 23
    Up 14
    Down 9

    I want to be the one person who doesn't die with dignity.

    George
  24. 24
    Up 12
    Down 8

    Sex, that’s meaningless, I can understand that, but dinner; that’s heavy. That’s like an hour.

    Jerry
  25. 25
    Up 12
    Down 8

    My friend Jay Reimenschneider eats horse all the time

    added by: Ron Mexico
    Kramer
  26. 26
    Up 11
    Down 7

    That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me

    Jerry
  27. 27
    Up 14
    Down 11

    Do you ever get down on your knees and thank God you know me and have access to my dementia?

    George
  28. 28
    Up 6
    Down 3

    SERENITY NOW!

    added by: taichungcanuck
    Frank Costanza
  29. 29
    Up 9
    Down 7

    Parking at a garage is like going to a prostitute. Why pay for it when you can apply yourself, and then may be you can get it for free.

    George
  30. 30
    Up 2
    Down 0

    new! No Soup for You

    added by: udontneedtoknowmyname
  31. 31
    Up 12
    Down 11

    Nobody drives like me. Nobody. I'm doing things in this car, you have no idea they're going on.

    George
  32. 32
    Up 1
    Down 0
    No image

    They're Real.....and They're Spectacular!

    added by: falsedawn
    "Teri Hatcher" 
  33. 33
    Up 10
    Down 10

    I've always been a stall man.

    George
  34. 34
    Up 12
    Down 13

    Look to the cookie, Elaine!

    Jerry
  35. 35
    Up 10
    Down 11

    Women don't respect salad eaters.

    Jerry
  36. 36
    Up 10
    Down 11

    The carpet sweeper is the biggest scam perpetrated on the American public since one-hour martinizing.

    Kramer
  37. 37
    Up 8
    Down 10

    You are way past the phone call break up stage

    Elaine
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