- 1+ 26- 6
I Bought a Giraffe
Alan: "My name's Alan and I bought a giraffe! Oh, my life is great!"
After purchasing a giraffe, securing it in a trailer being pulled by his car, and getting on the highway, Alan thinks his life is grand. That is until he drives under an overpass causing a huge car crash and beheading the poor animal.
- 2+ 14- 2
Worst Place On Earth
Stu: "I told myself, I would never come back."
Phil: "Don't worry, it all ends tonight."
Stu: "Someone needs to burn this place to the ground. This is the worst place on earth."
Alan: "I know, right? So many good memories."
Stu reflects on their less than great history in Las Vegas. Alan however has other memories of their time in Sin City, very fond ones.
- 3+ 15- 5
Alan's Been Off His Meds
Alan: "I can't believe my daddy is dead. I can think of so many people I'd rather have died first, like my mother."
Doug: "Apparently Alan's been off his meds for about six months."
Stu: "Oh God, look at him now."
The death of Alan's father and following funeral sets off a chain of events from which the rest of the movie follows. As a result of losing his father, Alan goes off his meds forcing the other guys to step in and help him.
- 4+ 16- 6
A Strange Email
Phil: "What are we gonna do, Stu?"
Stu: "We're gonna go to the police."
Phil: "Oh no we're not. Did you hear that guy? He will kill Doug, period. Chow is a cancer. He's been a cancer since the first day we met him. So we're gonna hand him over to this guy, Marshall, and then it's done."
Alan: "Hey Phil"
Phil: "Alan, not now. But I need you, Stu. I can't do this alone."
Stu: "Do what alone? We have no idea where he even is."
Phil: "What, Alan?"
Alan: "Well I was just going to say I got a strange email the other day. I wasn't sure what it meant but now I think it might be from Chow."
Phil: "'Fatty, feels good to be out. I'm close by. Tell no one. I'll be in touch. Chow.' This says Chow. How did you not know this was from Chow?"
Alan: "At the time I thought it was ciao like goodbye. You know like ciao, arrivederci, Sbarro, Papa John's."
Phil: "I'm writing him back."
Stu: "Whoa, wait. Just hold on."
Phil: "I'm going to tell him that you're happy he's out and that you'd love to see him."
Alan: "Oooh, I would love to see him."
Stu: "Do you even know what's going on?"
Alan: "Yes, I do. Phil's doing all the work, I'm his assistant and you're standing there looking like an idiot."
Following Doug's abduction, the rest of the Wolf Pack strategize at a gas station about their next move. Alan provides a solution to finding Mr. Chow, through an email he recently received, though his confusion about the email's sender is pretty hilarious.
- 5+ 8- 3
A Pair of Sweatpants for Alan
Marshall: "Hector, grab a pair of sweatpants for Alan here"
Alan: "I'm a 44 slim. You bring me a few options?"
When the men meet up with Marshall again, Alan is frightened when Marshall shoots someone right in front of them and wets his pants. He doesn't completely lose it though as he has enough sense to ask for a few options in the change of pants Marshall's associate is brining for him.
- 6+ 5- 2
This Is An Intervention
Doug: "We're all here to tell you about an awesome place called New Horizons."
Alan: "That does sound awesome."
Tracy: "Alan, this is an intervention."
Doug: "We drive you there today and I promise you will come back a changed man."
Alan: "You going, Phil?"
Phil: "I love you, Alan."
Alan: [cries loudly]
Phil, Stu, Doug, Tracy and other family members stage an intervention for Alan after the death of his father causes him to stop taking his medications. Alan first doesn't seem to understand what's happening but when Phil says he loves Alan, Alan loses it.
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