- 1+ 26- 6
I Bought a GiraffevAlan: "My name's Alan and I bought a giraffe! Oh, my life is great!"
After purchasing a giraffe, securing it in a trailer being pulled by his car, and getting on the highway, Alan thinks his life is grand. That is until he drives under an overpass causing a huge car crash and beheading the poor animal.
- 2+ 14- 2
Worst Place On EarthvStu: "I told myself, I would never come back."
Phil: "Don't worry, it all ends tonight."
Stu: "Someone needs to burn this place to the ground. This is the worst place on earth."
Alan: "I know, right? So many good memories."
Stu reflects on their less than great history in Las Vegas. Alan however has other memories of their time in Sin City, very fond ones.
- 3+ 17- 6
A Strange EmailvPhil: "What are we gonna do, Stu?"
Stu: "We're gonna go to the police."
Phil: "Oh no we're not. Did you hear that guy? He will kill Doug, period. Chow is a cancer. He's been a cancer since the first day we met him. So we're gonna hand him over to this guy, Marshall, and then it's done."
Alan: "Hey Phil"
Phil: "Alan, not now. But I need you, Stu. I can't do this alone."
Stu: "Do what alone? We have no idea where he even is."
Phil: "What, Alan?"
Alan: "Well I was just going to say I got a strange email the other day. I wasn't sure what it meant but now I think it might be from Chow."
Phil: "'Fatty, feels good to be out. I'm close by. Tell no one. I'll be in touch. Chow.' This says Chow. How did you not know this was from Chow?"
Alan: "At the time I thought it was ciao like goodbye. You know like ciao, arrivederci, Sbarro, Papa John's."
Phil: "I'm writing him back."
Stu: "Whoa, wait. Just hold on."
Phil: "I'm going to tell him that you're happy he's out and that you'd love to see him."
Alan: "Oooh, I would love to see him."
Stu: "Do you even know what's going on?"
Alan: "Yes, I do. Phil's doing all the work, I'm his assistant and you're standing there looking like an idiot."
Following Doug's abduction, the rest of the Wolf Pack strategize at a gas station about their next move. Alan provides a solution to finding Mr. Chow, through an email he recently received, though his confusion about the email's sender is pretty hilarious.
- 4+ 15- 5
Alan's Been Off His MedsvAlan: "I can't believe my daddy is dead. I can think of so many people I'd rather have died first, like my mother."
Doug: "Apparently Alan's been off his meds for about six months."
Stu: "Oh God, look at him now."
The death of Alan's father and following funeral sets off a chain of events from which the rest of the movie follows. As a result of losing his father, Alan goes off his meds forcing the other guys to step in and help him.
- 5+ 8- 3
A Pair of Sweatpants for AlanvMarshall: "Hector, grab a pair of sweatpants for Alan here"
Alan: "I'm a 44 slim. You bring me a few options?"
When the men meet up with Marshall again, Alan is frightened when Marshall shoots someone right in front of them and wets his pants. He doesn't completely lose it though as he has enough sense to ask for a few options in the change of pants Marshall's associate is brining for him.
- 6+ 5- 2
This Is An InterventionDoug: "We're all here to tell you about an awesome place called New Horizons."
Alan: "That does sound awesome."
Tracy: "Alan, this is an intervention."
Doug: "We drive you there today and I promise you will come back a changed man."
Alan: "You going, Phil?"
Phil: "I love you, Alan."
Alan: [cries loudly]
Phil, Stu, Doug, Tracy and other family members stage an intervention for Alan after the death of his father causes him to stop taking his medications. Alan first doesn't seem to understand what's happening but when Phil says he loves Alan, Alan loses it.
- 7+ 3- 0
Leslie Chow Stole 21 Million from MeDoug: "What was that?"
[Doug, Alan, Stu and Phil are pushed off the road and captured]
Marshall: "Where is he? Leslie Chow stole 21 million from me, and I figure the Wolf Pack have the best chance of finding him! Doug is my insurance!"
Alan: "Can't you take Stu instead?"
While transporting Alan to New Horizons, they are ambushed and pushed off the road. Marshall and his crew pull the men out of the car, put bags over their heads and demand info on Mr. Chow, all before taking Doug hostage as collateral.
- 8+ 1- 1
CockfightingPhil: "What are you doing here?"
Mr. Chow: "Same old, same old. Oooh, I got into cock fighting."
Alan: "Oh, cockfighting, that sounds wonderful."
[As the roosters attack Stu, Mr. Chow begins shooting a pistol at them]
Mr. Chow: "Hold still, I'm trying to help!"
Stu: "Are you out of your mind?"
When they finally catch up with Mr. Chow, Chow introduces them to his new passion, cock fighting. Later, when the roosters are attacking Stu, Chow chooses to shoot at them, in close proximity to Stu, as an attempt to scare them away.
- 9+ 0- 0
I Believe I Can FlyMr. Chow: "So long, bitches! ... I believe I can fly... I love cocaine!"
After jumping out of a high window from a hotel, Mr. Chow opens his parachute and enjoys the exhilaration of falling down to the Las Vegas Strip. Of course the drugs in his system are certainly helping.
- 10+ 2- 3
She Is Rude!Cassie's Mom: "Cassie, I'm hungry."
Cassie: "Mom, I'm with a customer!"
Alan: "She is rude!"
Cassie: "You hear that, mom. Nobody likes you!"
Alan: "Yeah, keep your mouth shut!"
Alan hits it off with a convenience store attendant, Cassie, and immediately joins Cassie in berating her mother. Phil and Stu are not amused.
- 11+ 1- 2
Bad Things HappenAlan: "We can't be friends anymore. When we get together, bad things happen and people get hurt."
Mr. Chow: "Yeah, but that's the point! It's funny!"
In a moment of clarity, Alan proclaims that he and Mr. Chow together are bad news. Mr. Chow however sees it differently, as something fun.
- 12+ 2- 4
You Haven't Learned AnythingAlan: "We've been on a lot of adventures together but it seems like you haven't learned anything. Anything! I'll be in the limo."
Oblivious to reality, Alan takes a moment to shun Stu for his failure to learn from their past adventures. Stu clearly feels like Alan is the last person who should be giving advice considering his unfortunate past choices.