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By William Bibbiani
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Film >>
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The Most Disappointing Movies of 2009!
In 2009, we saw acclaimed actor John Turturro climb a real Egyptian pyramid to call in an airstrike on a pair of CGI robot testicles. In other words, it was something of a disappointing year. Here are some of the films that failed to meet our (often extremely low) expectations of quality in 2009. Not the worst films of the year per se; these are just the ones that deserved to be better… a LOT better.
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1
The Watchmen, a film perhaps destined to top this kind of list, was not the failure it could have been either critically or financially, but it sure was disappointing. Not a box office bomb, but not the kind of success that could have legitimized big budget adaptations of serious comics, and not bad, but also narrowly missing the point of the books. Ignoring the weird parts (Carla Gugino’s awful makeup, the massively over-produced opening fight sequence, Zach Snyder’s smug reference to 300), Snyder’s film spent so much time with its superheroes that it neglected all of its supporting players – the everyday human beings who end up suffering as a result of the powerful protagonists’ decisions. As a result, the twist ending (which was changed to be more plausible, missing the fact that the sheer madness of the original revelation was vital to the plot) has little impact, and a film that could have been either the very best or very worst of 2009 ended up being completely forgettable. Like we said: Disappointing.Zack Snyder2009-03-06Stephen McHattie,Jeffrey Dean Morgan,Billy Crudup,Carla Gugino,Matthew Goode,Patrick Wilson,Jackie Earle Haley,Malin Akerman,Danny Woodburn,Dan Payne,Matt Frewer,Glenn Ennis,Darryl Scheelar,Apollonia Vanova,Ron Fassler,L. Harvey Gold,Greg Travis,J.R. Killigrew,Brett Stimely,Steven Stojkovic,Leah Gibson,John Kobylka,Carrie Genzel,Walter AddiAlan Moore,Dave Gibbons,David Hayter,Alex TseLawrence Gordon,Lloyd LevinSuperheroUnited StatesTyler BatesR (USA)Legendary Pictures,Paramount Pictures,Warner Bros.Nite-Owl,Comedian,Doctor Manhattan,Silk Spectre,Ozymandias,Rorschach,Nite Owl II,Silk Spectre II,The BIg Figure,Henry Kissinger,Wally Weaver,Richard Nixon,Silhouette,Ted Koppel,Andy Warhol,Annie Leibovitz,David Bowie,John F Kennedy,Mick Jagger,Fidel Castro,Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis,Lee Iacocca,Leonid Brezhnev -
2
The first Crank was, in its way, one of the very best comedies of the decade, personifying to hilarious effect the manic need of mainstream cinema to provide constant entertainment at the cost of dignity and coherence in its tale of a man who needs constant adrenaline just to stay alive. This sequel, from the same filmmakers, could have coasted by on more of the same – good-natured anti-social wackiness – but instead became an exercise in sheer unpleasantness. A film about loving life begat a sequel about wallowing in misery, and with wholly unnecessary racist subtext throughout (“That’s awfully white of you” is considered a compliment... by the hero). Crank 2 became the very kind of cruel, by-the-numbers ADD cash-in that the first film so effectively – and perhaps accidentally – satirized.2009-04-17Jason Statham,Amy SmartUnited StatesCrankLions Gate EntertainmentEve -
3
Obsessed (2009)Raw sexuality is often lacking from mainstream Hollywood these days, so when the tawdry commercials aired for this Fatal Attraction knock-off about an obsessive-yet-totally-hot white secretary (the smoking Ali Larter) destroying a successful black businessman’s life and wife (The Wire’s Idris Elba and Beyonce Knowles in her first non-singing role), we hoped for a return to sleaze: a man (and an audience) seduced by forbidden fruit then paying the price. What we got was an uncomfortably chaste sex thriller without any of the “sex” or "thrills" that define the genre. Idris Elba acts like a saint and gets toyed with, to limited success, by an attractive woman with neither personality nor back story, with no nudity, sex or indeed anything tantalizing enough to warrant watching this by-the-numbers PG-13 nonsense. The film's working title was "Oh No She Didn't." If only she really had. -
4
Writer/director Tony Gilroy decided to follow his excellent but joyless Oscar-nominated drama about corporate lawyers screwing each other over with a terrible and joyless comedy about corporate spies simply screwing each other. Despite a star-studded cast of Hollywood’s prettiest and most talented (though not everyone qualifies as both), the only sparks flying come from the film’s story as it crashes and burns before the audience's very eyes. The boring twists, unlovable romantic leads and lackluster “comedy” undermine Gilroy’s impeccable cast and photography, resulting in one of the dullest films of the year.Tony Gilroy2009-03-20Clive Owen,Tom Wilkinson,Paul Giamatti,Julia RobertsSpyJohn GilroyUnited StatesJames Newton Howard -
5
Steven Soderbergh has directed some brilliant films. The Girlfriend Experience isn’t one of them. One of the director’s “artsy” films (read: it’s not an “Ocean’s Eleven” sequel), The Girlfriend Experience promised a story of a modern prostitute providing “the girlfriend experience” – a complicated psychological concept of women selling relationships to men rather than mere sexual intercourse. In the lead role he cast Sasha Grey, the hot young adult superstar of over 200 pornographic films. And somehow, the result was really, truly, incredibly BORING. Soderbergh was more interested in knee-jerk reactions to the recent economic crisis than really exploring his protagonist (or really exploring the economic crisis for that matter), while poor Sasha Grey acquitted herself admirably, but clearly has more charisma and artistic freedom in her XXX-rated performances.Steven SoderberghMark Cuban,Todd Wagner -
6
Wonder Woman and Green Lantern First FlightDC’s straight-to-DVD animated films are getting a lot of credit for fine casting, respectable storytelling and excellent animation quality., so why are two of this year’s releases among our “Most Disappointing Films” list? Because they’re too damned short, that’s why. With Wonder Woman clocking in at a brisk 74 minutes and Green Lantern: First Flight faring little better at 77, audiences were left with films with more potential than these talented filmmakers could realize. The results missed the mark with frustrating accuracy, glossing over vital character arcs and subplots in a frantic effort to hit all the important plot points before these arbitrary time limits ran out. Wonder Woman’s fish-out-of-water journey never takes the time to sink in, but the Green Lantern is the main offender, disappearing into his film like Tim Burton’s Batman, overshadowed by a villain with more screen time and juicier dialogue. These would be great feature films if they could just focus on the "feature-length" aspect. -
7
Once again, let us remember that our expectations were incredibly, indelibly low to begin with. But do you remember those production stills they released last year with Snake Eyes looking totally exactly right? And do you remember how the shadows in those pictures obscured the fact that they gave his costume lips? Yeah, they lied to us. We thought we’d get something reasonably competent from Stephen Sommers (hey, The Mummy wasn’t bad…), and instead we got a bizarre phantasmagoria of incoherent storylines, awful dialogue, super-soldiers who were chemically altered to feel neither fear nor pain who scream in pain and fear a lot, a master of disguise who does nothing but steal people’s hats, and the weirdest Brendan Fraser cameo since Son-in-Law. Adding insult to injury: Warren Ellis’ G.I. Joe: Resolute, a straight-to-DVD animated film released in November, bested the big budget version in every possible way. Watch it instead.Stephen Sommers2009-08-07Rachel Nichols,Channing Tatum,Joseph Gordon-Levitt,Ray Park,Sienna Miller,Marlon WayansBob Ducsay,Lorenzo di BonaventuraUnited StatesAlan Silvestri -
8
Deep down, all we wanted was some way to save the X-Men franchise that started so promisingly. By abandoning the absolute nonsense of X-Men: Last Stand in favor of a prequel starring the franchise’s most popular character, and handing the reins to Academy Award-winning director Gavin Hood (Tsotsi), we hoped the filmmakers would be able to stave off disaster but… NOPE. Despite some solid casting, the film was filled with ridiculous and confusing action sequences, plot holes so big the Blob could walk through them with arms akimbo (if THAT really caused Wolverine’s amnesia, why didn’t it show up in all those tests they did in X-Men 1?), and unresolved questions (what the hell happened to Sabretooth between X-Men Origins and X-Men 1 anyway?). Stick a fork in this franchise… because it’s not very good anymore.Gavin Hood2009-05-01Hugh Jackman,Liev Schreiber,Danny Huston,Taylor Kitsch,Ryan Reynolds,Lynn Collins,Kevin DurandDavid BenioffAvi Arad,Hugh Jackman,John Palermo,Lauren Shuler Donner,Ralph WinterSuperheroDonald McAlpineAustralia,New Zealand,United StatesHarry Gregson-WilliamsX-Men: The Last Stand20th Century FoxWolverine,Young Logan -
9
The original Taking of Pelham 123 was one of the best films of the 1970’s, a clever and funny thriller about a New York City hostage crisis starring the city itself and its everyday citizens, with one of the finest endings you’ll ever see. Naturally we didn’t expect the remake to be as good as the original, but it did reunite Tony Scott with Denzel Washington for the fourth time (always a winning combination) with John Travolta as a villain (which he’s usually good at) and a script by Academy Award-winner Brian Helgeland, so you can’t blame us if we wanted something mildly entertaining. Instead, we got an hour and a half of Washington and Travolta spouting unconvincing dialogue over the phone and plot points recycled from the original film that don’t make any sense in modern context. And that ending we loved so much…? It was tossed out in favor of a tedious confrontation between two talented actors who have all the chemistry of a “Creepy Crawlers” play set.Tony Scott2009-07-24James Gandolfini,Denzel Washington,John Travolta,Luis Guzmán,John TurturroSteve TischActionChris LebenzonUnited StatesHarry Gregson-Williams -
10
Admittedly, no one ever expects much of an Asylum Production. These are the people who brought us such classics as “Snakes on a TRAIN” and “The Da Vinci TREASURE,” after all. But man oh man, did the Megashark vs. Giant Octopus trailer set us up for disappointment. Giant sharks leaping out of the ocean to devour a jumbo jet, chomping on the Golden Gate Bridge, starring Debbie Gibson and Lorenzo Lamas (not as the shark and octopus, but still)? Sign us up… for over an hour of looking out at the ocean meaningfully, and the same CGI monster fight footage re-used over and over again. All we wanted was “good” bad, but aside an occasional moment of schlock hilarity (like the guy who gets up for no reason in the middle of a plane to announce that he’s getting married, then sits down and dies), we didn’t even get that much. Serves us right.Lorenzo Lamas,Stephen BlackehartDisasterUnited States
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