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The Most Epic Yelp Reviews

Everyone has an opinion, but as is hilariously obvious in these epic Yelp reviews for everything from restaurants, services and shows, some are much funnier, creepier, and more-nonsensical than others. From life-changing trips to the tailor to stories of teenage heartbreak to one man's unrelenting admiration for meat, these epic Yelp reviews are sure to get five stars.

For those unfamiliar with the site, Yelp combines the traditional information about businesses like address and telephone number with customer reviews. The majority of the reviews are honest and normal, though there are a few complete head-scratchers. Perhaps the funniest and most epic reviews come from instances where fictional places are reviewed or when the business owners fight back and yell at anyone who dares to say something negative.

What are the best Yelp reviews? Take a look at this list and you'll see for yourself.

The Most Epic Yelp Reviews Anything
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  1. 1

    Criss Angel's Believe at Cirque du Soleil in Las Vegas, NV

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    As reviewed by self-proclaimed "Tranny pornstar and apparently food critic" Lucia M. in August of 2010, illusionist Criss Angel's show "Believe" at the Cirque du Soleil in Las Vegas, Nevada, is so bad that she goes so far as to write off anyone who would ever go to see the show. Perhaps next time her "trick" can choose a better show that is less "self indulgent cat s**t."

    Lucia M.: "Can I give it less than 1-Star?? Grrr.
    A trick brought me here so at least I didn't pay but BLEH!!
    What a load of self indulgent cat s**t.
    The kind of magic he did is the kind where you just put a huge sheet up and go obviously do stuff and the magic is that like, apparently cloth is opaque? I dunno.
    Then there is this ridiculous backstory about his dad and stuff that would be *tolerable* if you like knew and were friends with this prick. As I was there to see magic and a hot douche bag doing it, the backstory was just pathetic.
    Oh, also ballet with rabbits. Couldn't make up it's mind if it was a ballet (which would have been cool), Magic (which would have been cool if it was like.. magic not illusions), or a diary of dips**t (which I guess could be considered comedy?). It fails miserably at all three.
    You suck if you go to see this and i hate your stupid face.
    trans friendly- Ugh."

  2. 2

    Abortionplex in Topeka, KS

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    The Onion, meet Yelp. Yelp, meet The Onion. When these two worlds collided in the spring of 2011, the only possible outcome was epic awesomeness. Roughly 200 Yelp users responded to an article in The Onion about a planned Abortionplex to be built in Topeka, Kansas. While completely fictitious and spawning multiple rage-filled rants on Facebook, the pro-choice superstore received mostly five-star ratings and numerous hilarious reviews.

    Robert C.: "as a part time homeless guy i want to say DO NOT dumpster dive here!"

    Jeffery V.: "This place is so nice and so big, I was able to bring in, not only my wife, but also my girlfriend, my secretary, and my second cousin, all with the same week and without any of them finding about each other!"

    Brian D.: "Never been inside (no pun intended), but outside is THE place to pick up total whores - BOO-YAA! I mean this place has more whores than Bourbon Street during spring break. Its like, wall to wall ho's up in here. Can only be improved if they had a lounge for guys to hang out in, possibly a bar to liquor up the ladies, not that they need much anyway."

    Nick H.: "Just like any other good American, I hate condoms. So when I knocked up my girlfriend Traci, it wasn't a huge surprise. She barely remembers to use deodorant, let alone take her birth control. Dammit, Traci.
    That said, Abortionplex makes an inconvenience seem like a day at Six Flags.
    My only gripe is that they use high fructose corn syrup in the Slurpee machines. I know because my friend Ben works there. Get with the times, Abortionplex!
    I'll be back."

  3. 3

    The Smokin Joint BBQ in Los Angeles, CA

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    What's funnier than reading disgruntled customers vent on Yelp? Reading the responses from disgruntled restaurant owners of course! From what can be gathered in Yelp reviews for The Smokin' Joint BBQ restaurant in Los Angeles, California, owner Michael K. agreed to a deal with the discount site Groupon, but according to the reviewers, refused to honor the deals when they came in. File this one under "how not to gain customers." By the way, The Smokin Joint BBQ has since closed.

    Erica F.: "I thought it was OK BBQ (I'm not a connosieur of meat) but I was really pissed off about the groupon thing and how I HAD to bring a printout. Screw them, that disclaimer is NOT in the terms..."

    Michael K. of The Smokin Joint BBQ: "You werent privy to an agreement between my place and Groupon, PERIOD! In actuality, Im being a good sport by honoring any of them. You see, I actually NEVER agreed to do Groupon, PERIOD!!!! We NEVER finalized the deal. I NEVER signed ANY agreement with them and they had a mix up of sort and put it out there for folks without my approval. FACT!!! So, take your opinion and keep it. Anyone that bought one should be happy that Im even accepting them considering the reality of the situation. How dare you lash out without know anything other than your ASSumption."

    Joe R.: "Sadly, a case where I wish I could designate zero stars and specifically pin the zero star sticker on the owner of the store.
    I came solely because of the groupon promotion, but when it came time to pay, they refused to accept my groupon. The owner of the store threatened to call LAPD on me -- really?"

    Michael K. of The Smokin Joint BBQ: "Were you privey to my deal with Groupon? No, you WERE NOT! I have my postings and policies that I will adhere to. Doesn't it say to present the Groupon when ordering on your confirmation? Oh yes, it does. Isnt there a LARGE sign in my window EXACTLY about this? Oh yes, there is. The rules are the rules. No one here is trying to get over on you as MANY of the Groupon people have tried to "get over" on my business. I have my policies for valid reasons that I tried to explain to you that you werent interested in. Fine. Nuff said."

  4. 4

    Patois in Brooklyn, NY

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    Though Jonathan W. gave Patois, a since-closed upscale French restaurant, only three stars out of five in a January 2010 Yelp review, clearly he was simply suffering from a broken heart. His review comes in two parts. The first describes a delicious dinner with friends and the second borders on a creepy dear John letter, complete with the note for "Patois, shape up soon or we're through."

    Jonathan W.: "My Dear Patois,
    We had SUCH a good first date. I will fondly remember that night of passion forever...and the morning? OH GOSH, waking up to you was awesome! The oral sensation just blew me away -- especially your french toast....ohhhhh your french toast. But lately things have taken a turn for the worst. It seems you've grown complacent, my dear, and you've started to let yourself slip..."

  5. 5

    La Donuts in Anaheim, CA

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    Ever find yourself looking for a good donut shop in Anaheim, California, and stumble on hilarity? That's exactly the case at La Donuts, which was first reviewed by Cesar Z. in July 2008. Cesar reflects on visiting the shop while in junior high and crushing on the owner's daughter. Sadly, she got knocked up and he never saw her again. Reddit users got a hold of this Yelp review and finished the story for him, adding reviews from both the formerly pregnant girl and the baby daddy.

    Cesar Z.: "i really love this place. i have been going since it opened. i had the hugest crush on the daughter of the owner and i would come in after class when i was in jr high and try and talk to her. but the skate store next door opened up and all the skaters got to her and one of them got her pregnant. i never saw her again.
    oh yeah, the donuts and good and they will usually hook you up with a free donut to try."

    Whitney A.: "this place is great. i used to come here every morning before my shift at the skate shop next door, but then i had to go away for about nine months. when i came back, the doughnuts were just as delicious as before everything happened."

    Jake D.: "LOVE this place worked at the skate shop next door also w/ whitney but knocked her up and the owners daughter so i had to go away infinately. Wish someone would bring me back a donut."

  6. 6

    Eddie's Tailor Shop in Los Angeles, CA

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    Mark Twain said the "clothes make the man," and this stellar review of Eddie's Tailor Shop in Los Angeles, California, proves just that. Hilton L. from Honolulu describes his life-altering experience at Eddie's, which involved a suit for a wedding, "slampieces," and the devil. Well done Eddie, well done.

    Hilton L.: "I'm not a tall dude. I bought a suit and that thing needed some tailoring, and quick because I had a wedding the next freakin' day.

    I brought it into Eddie's and they be doin' some freaky mad alterations, son. I came back to pick it up the next day and that shiznits was proper. I looked so good, I was about to ditch my woman to go trolling for some new slampieces.

    But a minute later, the newly tailored suit released its magical powers and restored my inner gentleman. So I rejected the devil's temptations, stayed with the love of my life, and went to the wedding, where I received many compliments and high fives.

    Thank you, Eddie. Thank you."

  7. 7

    Rodizio Grill in Denver, CO

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    What better for manly meat lovers than a swanky Brazilian grill serving meat by the masses? That's exactly what Rick L. found in his review of the Rodizio Grill in Denver, Colorado. See, Rick likes meat because Rick is a man. Rick keeps it simple, but also feels the need to tell us that he likes naked chicks and yelling "ooga." Rock on, Rick.

    Rick L.: "I like meat. They serve it here. I can have a lot of it. It is good. They also serve things I don't like. I don't have to eat those. Ham good. Ham better with pineapple. Vegetarians should call PETA. PETA should go get more chicks to pose naked in their ads. After I eat here I club girl over head and yell ooga. I am all that is man."

  8. 8

    Atlas Purveyors in Boulder, CO

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    Though listed as a resident of Boulder, Colorado, M S. had few nice things to say about the city and its "snooty" coffee shop and bakery Atlas Purveyors. In between calling out the cafe and locale as "annoying," M S. questioned why people enjoyed the shop, concluding that regulars must be smoking something.

    M S.: "Um. What are all of you people smoking? Oh yeah, it's Boulder so we all know what you're smoking. This place is everything that is annoying with Boulder.

    Snooty. Crowded. A place you would go to pick up someone instead of a bar because you're Boulder Chic.

    There is no where to sit in this joint. The feng shui is whack - you walk in and you're automatically put on the spot at the register. Everyone is crammed together at these little tables.

    Maybe everyone loves this place because they love to listen in on other people's conversations."

  9. 9

    Ramon Noodles in New York City

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    While not quite a review, Vicki N. is feverishly looking for a New York City restaurant that serves "Ramon noodles" and posts her request in the Yelp forum. What follows is a hilarious exchange between Vicki N., Yelp user Ramon "Your Favorite Yelpers, Favorite Yelper" B. and others, first identifying her desired food as Ramen noodles then going as far as to ponder if "Mormon noodles are against gay marriage." Wow.

    Vicki N.: Best fresh restAurant?

    Ramon "Your Favorite Yelpers, Favorite Yelper" B.: I thought this was about me.......never mind I guess.

    Vicki N.: Looking for some restaurants that serves great Ramon Noodles, would Chinatown have it?

    Ramon "Your Favorite Yelpers, Favorite Yelper" B.: you mean ramen* noodles?
    I've also tried searching for one as well in chinatown. Haven't found one though. I mean all I've done was a google search, even though I go to chinatown once a week haha
    I hear there are a few spots in midtown, but there has to be one in chinatown. Maybe someone can make a suggestion.

    Aaron "Ronny" L.: "nO he wAnt fresh restAurant Best ramon noodles

    Kevin "™" W.: "dude, ITS SPELLED RAMEN...

    AssholeJohnson X.: "Martin Sheen's real name is Ramon Estevez. Maybe he'll make you some noodles.

    Vicki N.: "Ramen noodle sorry!

    Mike S.: "Ramon noodles are ramen noodles cookes in beer.

    chun l.: "Ramon noodles are Ramen Noodles made by Razor Ramon.
    Machismo added at no additional cost.

    Craig "suck my rant" N.: "isnt ramon that porn star with the really big noodle? maybe that's what she was looking for.

    Scott "Some people call me Scooter, but I don't like it" Y.: @ Chun: "How much machismo do they add at no cost. I like my ramon noodles to be oozing machismo.

    Greg S.: "you can only be native to a place you are born....
    it takes decades to be a real Roman if you're a noodle

    Mohammed "Rodion Romanovich Raskolnikov" S.: "Is this some sort of Mexicanized version of the cheap Japanese noodle?

    Chris H.: "Moron noodles

    Jose "Cookie JAH" H.: "Mormon noodles

    Suresh "where'd my drink go" D.: "Are Mormon noodles against gay marriage?

    Roberto "That's Dior Homme, not Dior Homie" A.: "Razor Ramon is going to noodle you up."

  10. 10

    Motel 6 in Tewksbury, MA

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    As noted by Lauren Michelle C., this Motel 6 in Tewksbury, Massachusetts, is not the Taj Mahal, but cheap, clean, charming, and "like everything you would want from a hooker." It's unfortunate that in February of 2011 she and her friends were unable to plug in their Super Nintendo for a party, resorting to use the extra television in her car, and in turn, knocking the perfect five-star rating down to a four.

    Lauren Michelle C.: "i have been to this motel 6 more than any of my math classes in high school. its about $60 for a night, and i can smoke cigarettes here. now, i didnt go to any of those math classes, but i can figure out that $60 is only $10 per person when you have 5 scumbag friends with you. someone will sleep in the bathtub. its part of the charm. its cheap & clean; like everything you would want from a hooker.

    i am not giving this place 5 stars simply cos one time steve and i brought my super nintendo here for a party and the tv in the room didnt have the right hook ups. so, be smart like me and keep a back-up tv in your backseat.

    final word; youre not staying at the taj mahal, its the motel 6 & its FINE."

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