The Seven Deadly Sins of Dating

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  Stop Dropping Hints

  

  "Hi, I just got home from work. I didn't have dinner yet. What are you doing?" Translation: I don't have dinner plans and even if I did, I'd break them to be with you. "So what are you doing? Oh, that's cool. No, not much. Just hanging out, you know?" Translation: I have nothing to do. Please invite me over. "So, when are you off? Oh, you just got off?? You're - you're on your way home? Oh. Oh, ok." Translation: What?! You're not on your way to see me? WTF? "So yeah, this weekend I'm out of town with my parents but might be back early. I'll have Sunday evening free. Nothing to do Sunday evening." Translation: You'd better be free because I just said that I am. "Do you have plans after work? I was thinking of going out but don't have a ride." Translation: Will you be my taxi and spend the night? Honestly, if a man wants to see you...he'll make himself available. Remember, there was life before you. There can be life during you and you can bet all the IOU's in the national deficit that there will be life after you.

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  Stop Planning OUR Future

  

  I'm a woman that was born with a little black book in one and a list of excuses in the other, so I know I'm an exception to the next categorization. Women who plan their wedding before meeting puberty (boys have cooties, but I want a tulle gown with floral beading). You know what I mean. Personally, I don't see the rush. Why not have Mr. Could Be stay Mr. Could Be for a while, instead of making him Mr. Right overnight? It's usually much more fun. So seriously, when you're dating a guy, don't deliberately invite him to IKEA under the pretense of "I'm buying my Dad a gift and need your input," and start taking off his socks and rubbing his feet after spotting a couch that would "be perfect for us!" Also (deep breath): Don't start pausing at jewelry store windows whenever you guys are out shopping, stare at a 10kt solitaire and sigh with longing. Don't get all misty-eyed around other people's kids, link your arm through his and say "Don't you just wish you had one?" Don't start bringing items over to his place, thinking he won't notice until you start using them and then say "So it feels natural to have my loofah in your shower!" Don't steal business cards out of his wallet - or, better yet, don't program his friends into your cell phone and then stare at your contact list, wondering who eats beef or who you should put next to the maid of honor at your wedding. Don't pepper him with questions about "where he sees this going" or "if he sees a future with you" or if he "could see himself with you for a long time" or if he thinks his mom will like you. Trust me, when the man is ready, he'll come to you. And if you're lucky, maybe even crawl.

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  Do Not Play Mind Games

  

  A lot of girlfriends feel like they have to be mysterious. But to men, it's just plain confusing. For example, a friend of mine has a girlfriend who is incapable of a straight answer, and conversations between them usually goes as follows: Q: "What did you do today?" A: "Stuff" Q: "Hey, do you have to work today?" A: "It's a snow day." Q: "Would you like me to pick you up?" A: "Not sure where I am" Q: "I'm confused. You told me to come in and say hi." A: "My mom didn't invite you. Sorry." Now, we all know where this is going and seen it too many times it hurts. The girl's beating around the bush, and the poor guy's the bush. Just like we hate it when guys play dumb, guys actually hate it when women play coy. So give 'em a straight answer and if they don't get it, you then have permission to get mad at them for playing dumb. Also, men are not stupid. They only seem stupid but erections are painful when they go down. Honestly, men can tell when you've been doing something you shouldn't. Just like you can tell when someone else has been driving your car. It just doesn't run the same, does it? Yeah.

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  Do Not Try Too Hard

  

  Contrary to Mean Girls, nobody wants to be a Plastic. We all know the kind, and they fall easily into two categories. 1. Fake - literally. As in, nothing is real or organic. As in, that body will still be intact centuries from now. That Boeing jet? Her donated body parts and organs. 2. Fake - desperate to please. This usually stems from severe insecurity and the thought, however misguided, that her man will easily leave her for someone else. This person is a product of what she thinks her man wants, not what he actually really wants. Lesson of the day: stop trying so hard. You don't need the fake expressions, the fake sexy laugh, the fake hair (the blonde extensions aren't you, so toss them), and the fake conversations (if you really want to talk about pyrotechnics, go for it). The point is, just be yourself. Besides, you wouldn't a guy liking the person you're pretending to be. The act can only last for so long and you'll hate yourself every step of the way.

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  Do Not Take Over His Life

  

  When a man is a young boy, his mother takes care of him. When he's a grown man, he takes care of himself. Unless he's wearing a diaper and can't formulate a series of words in a sentence, this shouldn't change once he's in a relationship. This extends to changing men. Again, unless he's wearing Depends, a man doesn't need to be changed. If a man wants to improve himself or expand his thinking, he will on his own. You may inspire him. You may lead by example. Heck, you may even provide a safe place for him to try different things. But you should never change a man by forcing the issue. And for good reason too. Well, two reasons: 1. Who buys a painting, only to take it home and paint over it? You knew what you were getting. Why did you buy it? If you can't appreciate it for what it really is, leave it be. Leave it alone. Leave it for someone who will appreciate it for its originality, good or bad. 2. If a man wants to better himself or try something constructive but different, wouldn't you want him to do it because he wants to? There is no joy derived from forcing someone to do what you want them to do. The triumph is right up there with cyber-sex: short-lived and shallow. Even if you're man's life needs some serious organizational skills and you have the spreadsheet to do it. Don't.

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  Do Not Become Clingy

  

  Look, we've all been there. We've all met someone who just knocked us off our stilettos and seemed to be completely perfect--down to every toenail. Yes, we've checked. They're filed. Sexual chemistry, combined with a mental connection, is extremely potent. And it can be extra addictive when the other person appears to feel it as well. That said, the fastest way to lose a guy is to smother him. Don't suddenly abandon your life because you're so preoccupied with his. Odds are, that streak of independence you exhibited earlier is what attracted you to him in the first place. Also, if you're calling him more than he's calling you, you're about 1 fake orgasm away from losing the guy. When you ARE around him, don't express a desire to be surgically attached to his side. Let the man breathe. Give him a chance to miss you. Show him what life is like without you for ten minutes and he'll be greeting your phone calls with a grin instead of a grimace. Go on, throw on some lip gloss and go out. Alone. Or, rent some movies you wouldn't be caught dead watching, order takeout and turn off the phone. Believe it or not, time apart doesn't equal BREAKUP. It equals - having a life of your own.

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  Do Not Let Yourself Go

  

  You've been dating for a year. It's established. He likes you. Maybe he even loves you. That's great. But this doesn't mean you should celebrate by gaining 20 lbs and devaluing 100 beauty points. As much as you'd like to believe he loves you for your mind, odds are he's more attracted to your bum. And he likes not getting lost in rolls of identical cheeks while reaching for it. So keep getting your nails and hair done because men who look at beautiful women or fantasize about Megan Fox aren't pigs or shallow. They're just red-blooded and hormonal, and well, you're stuck with that for as long as Viagra's around. So flaunt your fabulous self and show him what you're mama--not McDaddy--gave you.

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