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The WifeYou are the caviar, the duck confit, the turkey liver pate of dating. The highest order a woman (should she be game for it) can attain is the wife, partner and ultimate best friend of a man.
He shows you off to his mother, to his friends and everyone else he deems important. Every gesture, every breath and every facial expression is devoted to making sure every man in the radius of 500 miles knows you belong to him. You buy his clothes, clean his house, fix his dinner, rub his back, listen to his hopes, his dreams, his fears, his goals. You are his strength, his rock, his anchor. You have access to stuff other women can only dream of getting their talons on. In return, you will be provided for, sheltered, protected, adored and respected above all other women...even his mama. She'll hate you but you sincerely won't give a damn. It's your lion pride, now.
The GirlfriendThis. Is. Awesome. Nothing is more blissful than totally crushing on someone and knowing they are crushing on you back.
You can't wait to run over to his place. He never wants to leave yours. The phone rings and you have to announce to EVERYONE in earshot that it's your boyfriend calling. He's out with his buddies and you call, putting a mouse-eating cat-grin on his face, as he proudly shows everyone at the bar your face on his caller ID. You spend endless hours texting "No, I love YOU more!", you keep your roommate awake with your incessant giggling other noises and your co-workers are sick of hearing about "Mr. Big."
Enjoy this time. Seriously.
The Eternal GirlfriendWow, gosh, look at the time. You’ve been dating for 24 years and look! No engagement ring. Your boyfriend is no longer a boy - he's applying for AARP next week when he turns 55.
OK maybe he's not that old, but you certainly won't be carded on the honeymoon, should one ever happen. You both are comfortable in your unmarried status but you're uncomfortable at his level of comfort. He's so comfortable, if your relationship were a waterbed, he'd refuse to get up.
Everything is perfect, why ruin it? he says. Only a man would compare wreckage with the ultimate bonding adhesive.
The Eternal FriendYour marathon viewing of Sex & The City is interrupted by your male friend calling you at 11pm. He's depressed. She broke up with him AGAIN.
Odds are she used to be your best friend – they both used to be your best friend and now every time you see her, you envision stomping on her throat with your stilettos. You want to pound his face into pie because you don't understand why he's with her.
But because you've loved him for so long - you guys practically shared the same formula bottle - you'll let him come over and literally cry on your shoulder. You'll counsel him, pat his back and practically breast-feed him while he sheds his tears over Ms. Silicone. He'll spend the night cuddling with you as you both fall asleep on the sofa.
The next morning, he hugs you, looks you deep in the eyes and says "Someday, you're going to make a great wife to a really lucky guy." He manages to stomp on your heart on his way out the door.
The BackUp DateYou're sitting at lunch with the girls, listening to them gab about their respective squeezes and silently wondering if you're going to spend another night watching "House" while inhaling Ben & Jerry's. Your best friend is in the middle of her story about how sex-tastic her boyfriend is when your cell phone rings.
Yep, it's Mr. Tonight Only. You know, the guy who calls you only when his first date canceled and he calls you because:
1. He knows you'll say yes.
2. He knows that you have nothing else to do.
3. And he know that you’ve crushed on him for way too long.
He'll take you out, you'll be having dinner or a drink and his phone will ring. It's HER, the one he REALLY wanted to go out with.
Suddenly Oil Slick has to leave but you understand, don’t you? Hey, text him to let him know you got home, okay? Great, thaaaaaaanks.
OopsTHE OOPS - It’s been YEARS since you had a date. Your evenings consist of watching porn and taking notes. If a man smiles at you, you immediately start envisioning yourself as his wife. If a man speaks to you, you unload your entire life story, thinking he’ll be flattered by your trust but all you succeed in doing is scaring him away.
By chance, you meet a guy and the sexual vibes are so strong, it brings you to tears. You actually cry when you climax. This man has rocked your world – he’s shaken you to your core. He made you feel alive, on top of the world he – geez, now I want his number.
Where was I? Oh, yes, he woke up feelings that had remained dormant for so long. Your souls fused, your minds became one and now, now, NOW – now he won’t take your calls. That one glorious, soul searing night is etched in your mind forever. He must have felt the connection, too. He must be running from you because his feelings for you scare him. And to a degree, that’s pretty accurate. A desire to throttle someone senseless does tend to frighten the average citizen. You need to stop calling and texting. Stop hoping he’ll show up one night – stop spending hours at the bar you guys met at. Stop harassing the bartender. Stop wondering what happened and accept it for what it is. He was awesome and you were an "oops."
Booty CallYou can delude yourself into thinking you’re using him but we all know the truth. You can lie to yourself and say "But I don’t want a relationship." Bulls**t. You know for a fact that if that assclown said the word, you’d be dating his unworthy rear end in a NY minute. You can hope and pray that you’re the girl to change him but centuries have proven how effective that method is.
If a man calls you after 10pm to "hang out" or "watch a movie," he's getting laid and no, he doesn't care if it's good for you. More than likely, you’ll be doing all the work.
He'll never date you. He'll never buy you dinner unless you bring it and it comes in a paper bag with ketchup packets. You’ll never meet his family or his friends. You’ll never know what his house looks like in the daytime. He'll never drive you home. If you're lucky, he'll let you spend the night but your ass had better be gone in the morning. It has to be - he's got someone coming over at noon.
The Other WomanTHE OTHER WOMAN – Yeah. The reason you’re on the bottom is because women truly have no respect for you at all.
Men may like screwing you and, at some point, have feelings for you but since this list is being compiled by a woman, thou dost existist at the bottomest of society – and may you stay there forever.
There is absolutely nothing glamorous or romantic about poaching another woman’s husband. There are extenuating circumstances – maybe his wife is in a coma. That’s it. There are no other excuses. One of the glorious things about our country is that divorce isn’t illegal. It isn’t even expensive. When a family of 5 on welfare drives a Lexus and hard-working Americans are taking the bus, anything in this country is possible – including a divorce. Sorry, I’ll stop preaching now….and….I’ve lost my thought.
**Disclaimer: This list was compiled by a woman. During my days of research, it was found that men and women will rank this list differently. While men view "The Other Woman" as somewhat higher than "The Oops," women recognize that, as pathetic as "The Oops" is, there is indeed nothing worse, nothing lower and nothing more disgusting than a husband poacher.**