The Tier of Women Anything
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The Tier of Women

In the large jungle of life, there is a certain order to things. Animals have their food chain; so do humans. While men and women may disagree on the ranking order of the menu, they must agree on the content. A woman has many roles in a man’s life – beginning with his mother and ending with his nurse. In this world, you are either refined or declined.

Let's start from the top and..um..go down.
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  1. 1

    The Wife

    You are the caviar, the duck confit, the turkey liver pate of dating. The highest order a woman (should she be game for it) can attain is the wife, partner and ultimate best friend of a man.

    He shows you off to his mother, to his friends and everyone else he deems important. Every gesture, every breath and every facial expression is devoted to making sure every man in the radius of 500 miles knows you belong to him. You buy his clothes, clean his house, fix his dinner, rub his back, listen to his hopes, his dreams, his fears, his goals. You are his strength, his rock, his anchor. You have access to stuff other women can only dream of getting their talons on. In return, you will be provided for, sheltered, protected, adored and respected above all other women...even his mama. She'll hate you but you sincerely won't give a damn. It's your lion pride, now.

  2. 2

    The Girlfriend

    This. Is. Awesome. Nothing is more blissful than totally crushing on someone and knowing they are crushing on you back.

    You can't wait to run over to his place. He never wants to leave yours. The phone rings and you have to announce to EVERYONE in earshot that it's your boyfriend calling. He's out with his buddies and you call, putting a mouse-eating cat-grin on his face, as he proudly shows everyone at the bar your face on his caller ID. You spend endless hours texting "No, I love YOU more!", you keep your roommate awake with your incessant giggling other noises and your co-workers are sick of hearing about "Mr. Big."

    Enjoy this time. Seriously.

  3. 3

    The Eternal Girlfriend

    Wow, gosh, look at the time. You’ve been dating for 24 years and look! No engagement ring. Your boyfriend is no longer a boy - he's applying for AARP next week when he turns 55.

    OK maybe he's not that old, but you certainly won't be carded on the honeymoon, should one ever happen. You both are comfortable in your unmarried status but you're uncomfortable at his level of comfort. He's so comfortable, if your relationship were a waterbed, he'd refuse to get up.

    Everything is perfect, why ruin it? he says. Only a man would compare wreckage with the ultimate bonding adhesive.

  4. 4

    The Eternal Friend

    Your marathon viewing of Sex & The City is interrupted by your male friend calling you at 11pm. He's depressed. She broke up with him AGAIN.

    Odds are she used to be your best friend – they both used to be your best friend and now every time you see her, you envision stomping on her throat with your stilettos. You want to pound his face into pie because you don't understand why he's with her.

    But because you've loved him for so long - you guys practically shared the same formula bottle - you'll let him come over and literally cry on your shoulder. You'll counsel him, pat his back and practically breast-feed him while he sheds his tears over Ms. Silicone. He'll spend the night cuddling with you as you both fall asleep on the sofa.

    The next morning, he hugs you, looks you deep in the eyes and says "Someday, you're going to make a great wife to a really lucky guy." He manages to stomp on your heart on his way out the door.

    To HER.

  5. 5

    The BackUp Date

    You're sitting at lunch with the girls, listening to them gab about their respective squeezes and silently wondering if you're going to spend another night watching "House" while inhaling Ben & Jerry's. Your best friend is in the middle of her story about how sex-tastic her boyfriend is when your cell phone rings.

    Yep, it's Mr. Tonight Only. You know, the guy who calls you only when his first date canceled and he calls you because:

    1. He knows you'll say yes.
    2. He knows that you have nothing else to do.
    3. And he know that you’ve crushed on him for way too long.

    He'll take you out, you'll be having dinner or a drink and his phone will ring. It's HER, the one he REALLY wanted to go out with.

    Suddenly Oil Slick has to leave but you understand, don’t you? Hey, text him to let him know you got home, okay? Great, thaaaaaaanks.

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