I Love You
What's worse? Telling someone you love them and being greeted with a deer-in-the-headlights gaze? Or being told that your friend loves you and knowing fully well that their level of suicidal tendencies is now your #1 concern, should you fail to utter the appropriate response.
Really? Wow, well I'm so, like, flattered.
That's impossible. I don't love you.
But..but...we're FRIENDS. You're like my SISTER.
Yeah, I, uh...love you...too.
I am honored to be loved by you and I do love you, too, but maybe in a different way.
Thank you so much for loving me. I hope I can deserve it in years to come.
Love is a powerful word, so I'm sure you must have a valid reason for loving me and I hope to never prove you wrong.
Because, the truth is, is if you are friends with someone long enough for them to develop an obsessive crush on you, you've either been in an extreme case of denial for a while or you have been using them to boost your own lame self-esteem.
Either way, they've just handed you their heart and you will be a true, hard-core douchebag if you don't respond with some form of respect.Then you can run.
Let's Just Be Friends
Granted, women may pull this beautiful line of bulls**t out of their purses more than men do, but it doesn't hurt any less when you are on the receiving end. Your friend is awesome - hip, smart, funny, kind and freaking gorgeous beyond all reason. You spend all of life's pauses together and share the same brain. Maybe he hasn't noticed that you've grown boobs or that you've started showering recently. But you've sure noticed that his eyes are the exact color of the ocean and that the new cologne he bought recently is enough to send you into a musk-scented frenzied state of scentasmic bliss if he hugs you one more time. You have mutual friends and even your families like each other.
One evening he calls, heartbroken over some worthless tramp who didn't deserve his precious seconds of life. He comes over to your frantically cleaned up apartment and pours his soul out to you. You hold him, you stroke his head, you practically breast-feed him as his sobs slowly subside. He looks up, gazes into your hopeful eyes and says "Some day, you are going to make a man very happy. I only wish I could be me." His phone rings - it's HER. His face lights up, he practically pants as he answers his phone with a triumphant "Huzzah!" and he slowly waltzes around the room in a euphoric trance. Once he hangs up, he suddenly remembers you're still sitting there, surrounded by wads of tissue and looking very forlorn. He kneels at your feet, kisses your hands and says "Thanks for being such a great friend."Asshole.
All kidding aside, this is an issue that deserves some respect. Learning that you and your partner will be vying for the attention of the same person can only cause one of two emotions: denial or anguish. This all depends on your sex. Upon hearing that their girlfriend is now or always has been a lesbian, men instantly rewind their mental reel of Girls Gone Wild and assume they will still have a finger-hold on their girlfriend’s vagina. Whereas women, upon hearing that their guy is gay and considers their vagina sacred but about as appetizing as a bucket of vomit, may experience grief but ultimately will accept that things will never be the same. On the bright side, she may have a new shopping companion.
I used to be a Man/Woman
In this age of technology and denial, it’s very easy to not notice if the person you’re exchanging body fluid with used to frequent YOUR restroom. While it’s not a crime to have a sex change, it might be a good idea to disclose it to someone you’re dating. Hopefully that person will be open-minded enough to see you for the person you are, not the person you were. But it does put a spin on having things in common, particularly when you could compare jock strap sizes or bra sizes.