Author Olivia Goldsmith once wrote "The secret to true happiness is a combination of low expectations and insensitivity." Given that most relationships are a combination of both of those, I'd say we should all be prancing naked in the streets, doling out hugs and chanting in tongues. But until I can find enough acid for everyone, here are some creative ways to truly kill a moment for someone.
I Love You
What's worse? Telling someone you love them and being greeted with a deer-in-the-headlights gaze? Or being told that your friend loves you and knowing fully well that their level of suicidal tendencies is now your #1 concern, should you fail to utter the appropriate response.
Really? Wow, well I'm so, like, flattered.
That's impossible. I don't love you.
But..but...we're FRIENDS. You're like my SISTER.
Yeah, I, uh...love you...too.
I am honored to be loved by you and I do love you, too, but maybe in a different way.
Thank you so much for loving me. I hope I can deserve it in years to come.
Love is a powerful word, so I'm sure you must have a valid reason for loving me and I hope to never prove you wrong.
Because, the truth is, is if you are friends with someone long enough for them to develop an obsessive crush on you, you've either been in an extreme case of denial for a while or you have been using them to boost your own lame self-esteem.
Either way, they've just handed you their heart and you will be a true, hard-core douchebag if you don't respond with some form of respect.
Then you can run.
Let's Just Be Friends
Granted, women may pull this beautiful line of bulls**t out of their purses more than men do, but it doesn't hurt any less when you are on the receiving end. Your friend is awesome - hip, smart, funny, kind and freaking gorgeous beyond all reason. You spend all of life's pauses together and share the same brain. Maybe he hasn't noticed that you've grown boobs or that you've started showering recently. But you've sure noticed that his eyes are the exact color of the ocean and that the new cologne he bought recently is enough to send you into a musk-scented frenzied state of scentasmic bliss if he hugs you one more time. You have mutual friends and even your families like each other.
One evening he calls, heartbroken over some worthless tramp who didn't deserve his precious seconds of life. He comes over to your frantically cleaned up apartment and pours his soul out to you. You hold him, you stroke his head, you practically breast-feed him as his sobs slowly subside. He looks up, gazes into your hopeful eyes and says "Some day, you are going to make a man very happy. I only wish I could be me." His phone rings - it's HER. His face lights up, he practically pants as he answers his phone with a triumphant "Huzzah!" and he slowly waltzes around the room in a euphoric trance. Once he hangs up, he suddenly remembers you're still sitting there, surrounded by wads of tissue and looking very forlorn. He kneels at your feet, kisses your hands and says "Thanks for being such a great friend."
All kidding aside, this is an issue that deserves some respect. Learning that you and your partner will be vying for the attention of the same person can only cause one of two emotions: denial or anguish. This all depends on your sex. Upon hearing that their girlfriend is now or always has been a lesbian, men instantly rewind their mental reel of Girls Gone Wild and assume they will still have a finger-hold on their girlfriend’s vagina. Whereas women, upon hearing that their guy is gay and considers their vagina sacred but about as appetizing as a bucket of vomit, may experience grief but ultimately will accept that things will never be the same. On the bright side, she may have a new shopping companion.
I used to be a Man/Woman
In this age of technology and denial, it’s very easy to not notice if the person you’re exchanging body fluid with used to frequent YOUR restroom. While it’s not a crime to have a sex change, it might be a good idea to disclose it to someone you’re dating. Hopefully that person will be open-minded enough to see you for the person you are, not the person you were. But it does put a spin on having things in common, particularly when you could compare jock strap sizes or bra sizes.
Shit, my parents are home!
If the bunk beds, posters of Metallica and overflowing laundry basket weren’t enough of a hint that the 14 or 40yr old boy you are about to deflower lives with his parents, then you deserve to be there. Just look at you, fighting for space on the bed as you jostle with his life size replica of Heidi Klum and his giant stuffed Stewie Griffin. Perhaps you were too drunk to notice all the happy family portraits you passed on your way down the hall to his room, and maybe it was too dark to see his high school grad pics still on the wall. But when you finally get to faking it already, a frantically whispered "Ssh! My mom will hear you!" can only be worsened with a "S**t! My parents are home" OR, my personal favorite: "Do you have a GIRL in there??!!"
Back in the day, telling your partner that you are in the family way would be a cause for celebration and rejoicing…at least, for everyone except the girl who has to shove the seed out in 9 months. But you could at least be 99.9% sure of who the father was. Nowadays, the identity of the father is as obscure as the common sense of the mother. No offense, but we all know where babies come from and there is absolutely no excuse for demanding "Well how did THIS happen?" Blurting out your impending stork arrival will hopefully take the moment to new heights, but you can bet your partner is going through his mental rolodex of all his friends even faster then you, wondering when Maury Povich will save him with "You are NOT the father!"
Yeah the sex is hot and he acts like you are the greatest creation since the Wii, but that still doesn’t make it any less aggravating when the nervous, awkward or extremely egocentric assclown – who, by the way, is still trying to get back into bed with you – reveals that someone else has the misfortune of being his missus. Honestly, didn’t you get the hint when he told you not to call his cell phone after 5pm? Or when he refused to disclose his home number? Or when he asked you not to put anything incriminating in an email? Or maybe the tan line on his left ring finger? No? How about the pictures of his kids you found in his wallet and he claimed they were his nieces and nephews? No? Then you deserve each other because you have a brain the size of a knat.