The Top Five Best Worst Things on Television By Lillian Behrendt  [16 more lists]

Why Ghost Adventures and not Ghost Hunters, Most Haunted, or Ghost Hunters International?

Ghost Adventures combines the appeal of a hokey ghost-hunting documentary with that of a stoner comedy. There is no other explanation for the idiocy of the program than that the three heroes are, like, toootally stoned, man.

If they're not high, then they are three very paranoid, very stupid individuals. Between their exclamations of "Bro!" "Brah!" and "BROAH!!" and lines like "I'm totally angry against the Spanish right now," Ghost Adventures is comic gold.

My retitling: Dude, Where's My Ghost?

As you might surmise, "documentary" shows about the paranormal have a special place in my heart. UFO Hunters, however, has a lot more integrity than Ghost Adventures (which, to be fair, isn't saying much.)

While Ghost Adventures is a farce, UFO Hunters takes itself very seriously. Whether it's the stoic visages of the UFO Hunter team or the CG maps that scream HIGH TECH, UFO Hunters' complete lack of humor compounds the humor of its absurd claims exponentially. My favorite episode is by far the one about Hitler's secret ties to alien technology. Solid.

My retitling: The Lone Gunmen

So maybe I watch the primetime pundits of MSNBC. Can you blame me? Rachel Maddow is a fox.

However, when I'm sitting naked on my boyfriend's couch Friday evenings and the pundit shows end, MSNBC's weekend programming comes on the air. Want to watch a shitty sensationalized documentary about prison? Or maybe about the horrible death of a troubled Canadian teenage girl? (complete with her trashy crying friends and shadowy dramatizations)

Sex Slaves in America, Baby R**e in Your Hometown, Meth-Addicted Suburban Infant Sex Slaves and Rap Music, sensationaler and sensationaler. If you want that dirty, icky feeling you get from watching America's inbred duke it out on daytime television and still keep your 9 to 5 job, then the weekend programming of MSNBC is for you.

My retitling: Aren't You Glad You're Not These People?

Imagine a courtroom drama in which the same thing happens in every episode. Seriously. They change the names of the characters, the situations (slightly), the furniture arrangement, and some of the dialogue, but every episode of Perry Mason is pretty much identical.

Why is it on my list? It's a lot of fun. Besides just being dated and cheesy, seeing the producers try to de-gay Raymond Burr is a barrel of monkeys, and, to be honest, there's something kind of comforting about knowing exactly what's going to happen.

My retitling: Law and Order CAD

Viewers beware. I have never been able to make it through an episode, but my list would be incomplete without it.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon is either the worst thing on television or the most brilliant. It takes awkward to new levels-- imagine the moment you realize you've just made a "your mom" joke to someone recently orphaned...prolonged for half an hour.

It is excruciating. He can't tell a joke. The show is so painfully unfunny that it makes me wonder if it's intentional. If it is (in a kind of Andy Kaufman kind of way), then Jimmy Fallon should be celebrated as the great comic genius of our time.

Maybe that's why it's so perfectly disastrous, because we just don't know. When I'm able to watch, in spite of my teeth grinding and fist clenching, I sit completely tense, terrified through his opening monologue, praying that he sells at least ONE joke. My body recalls every pubescent embarrassment from my past as each punchline falls flat.

I scramble for the remote control and hit "power," as nausea washes over me and I curl into the fetal position.

My retitling: Late Night with Jimmy Fallon